Forgive and forget?

[sleeplessincnd]

Ok so my BF of about 3 months is away for 6 weeks and asks me to look after his place. While over there I was on the computer and in what i know was a bad move... looked at his e-mail.

 

I see that he has been getting some e-mail from a girl who says that she loves him and he has been saying the same.

 

We have recently transitioned to I love you's about 3 weeks ago. He is the sweetest man and we spend all our time together so I think it is impossible for him to be cheating on me.

 

I was able to talk to him about it for just a few minutes the other day and he says that it was an internet relationship that never got off the ground, that she was supposed to meet him when he got home from overseas but she kinda dropped of the face of the earth and has recently reappeared. He claims he has never met her.

 

He swears he hasn't cheated on me but told me "I don't know what I am going to do" and he has apparently not told this girl that we are together. He was mad at me the other day for reading his e-mail but he did still tell me that he loves me.

 

He is still away for 5 more weeks and I don't know what to do with myself. Can I trust him that it was nothing? Who says "i love you" to someone they have never met? Should I just trust in the fact that he loves me and leave him to sort this out on his own?

 

I really need some advice. Anyone out there experienced the feeling of internet love and would you choose that over reality?

 

Thanks!

[mutton]

Eh...unless he's cheating on you or with you on the other woman, you probably got nothing to worry about. He was probably just flirting with her when he said "I love you" online. If he meant the "I love you," then the truth may be that he does not know what love is. But hey, what's the harm of writing it to another person through online flirting when you're probably not going to meet them? If he does love her, he loves the idea of who she might be in his mind, not the real person. Was this a recent email?

 

By the way, do not trust him that it was nothing. Even if it's just harmless flirting, make it clear to him that he is now involved in a relationship and that this type of behavior is not be tolerated. Tell him that it's an issue of respect.

 

Right now, there really isn't anything that you can do. It's something to deal with when he gets back. Don't push him, Don't harass him. Let's just hope his 6 weeks away isn't spent with the girl in the email. And if it was, be glad that you've only been dating this guy for 3 months and get out while you can.

 

Also, you're the woman who is there for him now. If he cares about you he will realize that and back off the internet dating. Tell him to write a letter to the woman and tell her that he is a relationship now and that as long as he is in it, he will not be contacting her anymore. He should also add that this is out of respect for his new partner. (That is something all women will understand). And when he is done, to forward the letter to your email box as well.

 

P.S. if I found an email like that, I would've emailed her back through his address explaining the "new" situation.

Good luck on everything. I hope he listens to your feelings and understands.

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

1. I see that he has been getting some e-mail from a girl who says that she loves him and he has been saying the same.

 

2. I really need some advice. Anyone out there experienced the feeling of internet love and would you choose that over reality?

 

 

1. Are these current emails - as in - is he writing his "I love you's" to this girl while you two are currently together?

 

2. People do fall madly and deeply in love over the internet, but what they are falling in love with is their own perceptions of the person. A highly idealized 'fantasy' mate - where all the gaps that come from not meeting in person are filled with wishful thinking, hope and idealized romantic stuff. They fall in love with who they desperately want this person to be for them. Do people choose this over reality? Sometimes. Will your boyfriend? It depends - if he refuses to end contact with this person then it sounds like he is determined to have it at least simultaneously. Maybe he wants to hold on to this fantasy he has?

 

...but told me "I don't know what I am going to do" and he has apparently not told this girl that we are together.

 

Well, he should probably start with ending contact after he tells this girl he has a girlfriend. If he refuses, then you have a problem.

[EchoedMemory]

Girl....and I speak this from experience and I am so sorry for what I am about to say...but I was involved with a cop whom I met online and ....6 years later, we are still involved in ...well, friendship, right now. But when we told each other we loved each other, we meant it...from the heart. You don't tell someone you love them, if you don't. Especially, online. Why?....Because this....it is so much easier to dis someone or disregard someone or ignore someone or just not listen to what someone has to tell you online....because that person is not face to face with you. As an internet user, you know this. It's much easier to be upfront and blunt with someone behind a screen.

 

So....if he's telling her he loves her behind a screen....my advice???....LEAVE THE DOG!!!.....You may love him...but it's not worth it ...the pain and the time spent on this pig...he's playing you, it's blantenly obvious. You deserve much better than that. You deserve a man who will love you for who you are and have no interest in anyone else, online or otherwise. And you KNOW that. And there ARE men out there like that. It may be extremely painful to leave him, as you may love him.....but in the long run...you will be saving yourself so much more pain. And gaining a whole new life with someone who has respect for you....and who loves ONLY you. Think about it, hun.

[sleeplessincnd]

Well, thanks for all the input.

 

LucreziaBorgia, you are so right as usual and EchoMemory I think you need to read what she wrote when placing value on your internet relationship. Very easy to fall for the idea of someone (that is why a lot of long distance relationships fail too). I know b/c I was there just before my bf and I got serious with someone I met on the internet and had only met in person once. So I have to keep reminding myself of how that was just something in my head and what I have in the flesh with my boyfriend is more important than anything.

 

To answer some questions..... My BF is away with work, the military, so he is out in the field and not spending time with this woman. Some of the e-mails were recent but it doesn't seem to be a continuous thing - more sporatic - e-mail every 10 days to 2 weeks kind of thing.

 

There is also this strange thing about online dating that makes it so addictive - I know b/c I met my bf online and it has taken me a long time to ween myself off of it. It is nice to know that someone, anyone will show interest in you when you feel the self-esteem dipping.

 

I know that we are going to work though this and that I have may have blown a lot of this out of proportion. I trust that he loves me. I know that men don't do things that they don't want to do and I know that he wouldn't have done all the amazing things he does for me and told me he loved me if he wanted to be with someone else. I need to trust in that.

 

I'm not out to lunch here am I?

[sleeplessincnd]

So it has been a week since I found this stuff and confronted my bf. He is away and we have barely talked. I got an e-mail monday and another tuesday telling me that he was still thinking about things. So I have left him alone and not contacted him.

 

I am getting really mad though. He is supposed to be my boyfriend and love me and he won't even talk to me and tell me he is sorry for hurting me?? I have the keys to his house and am supposed to be taking care of things and getting things in order for our life together while he is gone and he won't even talk to me!

 

Is leaving him alone the best thing to do here? Or should i get mad and demand answers? Is his non-response supposed to tell me that there was a lot more going on with the girl than ever expected? Does anyone have any stories about similar situations and how you got past them? My bf is very stubborn and so am I so it this just the normal way stubborn people act?

 

Thanks in advance!