Author Bama Belle Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 @dOnnivain: That you could find out something like that and have the control not to raise your voice above an icy whisper is AWESOME! I pout for regular anger. For something like that, I would definitely lose it. You are my hero! Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Bama belle, A bit late to this thread but what exactly is he yelling about? You know what they say - "an argument is a shouting match for the deaf" Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 @dOnnivain: That you could find out something like that and have the control not to raise your voice above an icy whisper is AWESOME! I pout for regular anger. For something like that, I would definitely lose it. You are my hero! No, no, no. When I am that quiet I am hair's breath away from a murderous rage. Me that angry & quiet is dangerous & very, very bad. I truly scare myself when I am like that. It's not to idolize. I almost have to be quiet, to exert that level of control . . .which is usually accompanied by digging my fingernails so deep into my palms that I bleed. It's literally me hanging on to sanity & anybody who has ever seen it, never looks at me the same way again. My point was -- yelling is not so terrible. It's an outlet. It's non-violent & in me, it passes. When your husband comes looking for a hug after he yells, even when he was just yelling at you, that is his way of saying "sorry." Even if you need a few more minutes to process, to let go of the negativity he caused in you, try to re-train your brain to know that the hug is a signal that the fight is over & you two are still connected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bama Belle Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 This is so helpful. People who know us pretty much assume everything is my fault. He's very sweet and normally even tempered. I'm more passionate with both love and hate. But, after I've said something unkind that hurts his feelings, I don't expect a hug. I say I'm sorry and-like you said-wait for the atmosphere to calm organically, then I am very affectionate. If I were in my twenties, I would do that just to teach him a lesson: say something mean and throw my harms around him. There are some benefits to aging. No longer a size 3, but I've gained at least a little wisdom along with the weight! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 If the hug is a genuine attempt to say "Sorry I yelled let's make up" then it may be all well and good, but is it just a way of shutting you up? He gets his anger out, he gets to put his side of the story pretty forcefully, but with the hug he is in effect shutting down the argument... and that is not so good as he gets his way and you are left seething... As you already said "It also kind of strikes me as, "I'm no longer mad. Thus, the fight is over." Well, I don't think so, Pal. " Many marriages can founder over this kind of thing. He thinks all is hunky dory, arguments are "settled", but the wife stores up the anger and years later brings it all up again as she walks out the door... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bama Belle Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 It could be about an unkind joke I made. "That's not funny!" (Not everybody gets my sense of humor.) Or like when I put oil where the gas goes in the lawn mower. "You broke it! You broke it! You broke it!" Our fights are never about anything major. Most people think they're silly. And they're rare. But it's not so much the yelling. I don't handle my anger well either. I say mean things, freeze him out, leave and don't return his calls. So, I really have neither the right nor the room to criticize him for raising his voice. It's the expectation of an immediate hug afterward. I don't want him touching me and frankly think it's weird that he wants to. He says I'm "creating distance." I say, "I need some space." Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 You two have to find a compromise. He needs to give you more time but you need to give him that hug when you have calmed down. To him that hug is physical reassurance that whatever happened has not ruined your marriage. I get it takes you longer to get to the forgiveness place, but get there & speak his language -- hug him -- when you are ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 (edited) While yelling isn't a good thing, as long as he is not name-calling/abusive toward you, it is at least communication. Your pouting is stonewalling. That's passive-aggressive and manipulative. You both have a little conflict resolution skill upgrading to do. If you argue with your husband, do you stop loving him and vice versa? Hugs are about affection which shouldn't "go away" just because you're upset with each other or disagree about something. And, withholding affection and/or sex after an argument as a weapon or punishment isn't appropriate either. Next time there's an argument and he raises his voice, you need to stop him right then and there. Calmly, but firmly, tell him that you do not appreciate it when he raises his voice and that you want to table the argument for 1 hour while he calms down and then you will pick up the discussion. You may need to do this a few times, but be consistent. If he continues to escalate it, then you may need to suggest conflict resolution counseling for the two of you. Edited February 3, 2019 by Redhead14 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Yes. Mental illness isn't like managing regular behaviours. If 'normal' strategies worked for them, there wouldn't be a diagnosis. Yes, but when someone literally tells you what works for him ie a hug would help him de-escalate, it's an option worth exploring. It's not like you're trying to train a dog, imo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 I would urge the two of you to get some counseling to develop much better communication skills and mutual respect regarding how to blow off steam and deal with negative emotions. It would be a shame if what appears to be an very loving relationship were to deteriorate as resentments over these bad habits accumulate. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Yes, but when someone literally tells you what works for him ie a hug would help him de-escalate, it's an option worth exploring. It's not like you're trying to train a dog, imo. Sure, but that implies that his behaviour is okay. I'm all for making up after a fight, but the other person needs to genuinely be putting in effort to not escalate in the first place. They can't just maintain the status quo where he puts zero effort into not yelling, and she hugs him to get him to de-escalate. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Sure, but that implies that his behaviour is okay. I'm all for making up after a fight, but the other person needs to genuinely be putting in effort to not escalate in the first place. They can't just maintain the status quo where he puts zero effort into not yelling, and she hugs him to get him to de-escalate. Yelling is not okay, but once it's happened, it's already too late. I wouldn't make it a habit but I would do it once, to let him know I heard him. All it takes is once (or twice) to change the dynamics of the conflict. It's not a habit to take, it's a sign that you have heard your partner, and you are ready and willing to meet him half-way for next time, so as not to reproduce the cycle. After that, talk it out for sure. I mean it's not like OP is exhibiting stellar behaviour herself in those moments. It seems like a manageable situation, to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 The root of this really is about establishing her boundaries, communicating them to him and consistently enforcing them. He yells, she pouts. The only thing she can really change is how she handles things and demonstrate a different approach herself, maintain it and then, hopefully, he will follow suit and make a change as well. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 No, no, no. When I am that quiet I am hair's breath away from a murderous rage. Me that angry & quiet is dangerous & very, very bad. I truly scare myself when I am like that. It's not to idolize. I almost have to be quiet, to exert that level of control . . .which is usually accompanied by digging my fingernails so deep into my palms that I bleed. It's literally me hanging on to sanity & anybody who has ever seen it, never looks at me the same way again. My point was -- yelling is not so terrible. It's an outlet. It's non-violent & in me, it passes. When your husband comes looking for a hug after he yells, even when he was just yelling at you, that is his way of saying "sorry." Even if you need a few more minutes to process, to let go of the negativity he caused in you, try to re-train your brain to know that the hug is a signal that the fight is over & you two are still connected. That's me. It happens only rarely and not for at least a couple of decades now. I raise my voice and am very assertive with people who are needlessly wasting my time, like utility people when I'm negotiating new contracts or whatever. I raised my voice when I went to have my car inspected and the guy told me I needed a new spoiler with taillight to get inspected after he'd just inspected it last year and passed it. So called the dealer, who didn't know that new law (the inspector was right) but left and got my car fixed cheap elsewhere and inspected. The worse I ever let loose on a stranger like that was I rented a car when I was blind in one eye and had to be at a hospital out of state that day. I rented the car two months before and they hadn't bothered to go get one from another location! I let loose on him. It embarassed my ridiculously cowtowing friend who stood behind me undermining me, grrrr. But when I'm really mad about something really important or someone really important, I can't even talk. It takes me weeks to find my voice and then I'm modulated, but the words coming out are to the point. I am not a good person for longterm relationship because once I'm to the point I'm that mad, I am basically DONE. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 If the hug is a genuine attempt to say "Sorry I yelled let's make up" then it may be all well and good, but is it just a way of shutting you up? He gets his anger out, he gets to put his side of the story pretty forcefully, but with the hug he is in effect shutting down the argument... and that is not so good as he gets his way and you are left seething... As you already said "It also kind of strikes me as, "I'm no longer mad. Thus, the fight is over." Well, I don't think so, Pal. " Many marriages can founder over this kind of thing. He thinks all is hunky dory, arguments are "settled", but the wife stores up the anger and years later brings it all up again as she walks out the door... It's just a way of getting away with his bad behavior and like she acknowledged, his mother is behind it. She gave him that so he thinks that he can be a dick and then get a hug. Nah. Time to enlighten him to adult behavior and bring him out of childish behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 He may not be able to handle his emotions very well so rather than expressing himself regularly he bottles it up and it comes out as anger. Rather than giving him a hug you should probably ask how his day was more often, and then genuinely listen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts