Totally unsure next

[Swandov83]

Hi guys,

 

I'm new here from aussie land, hope all is well, anyway,

 

I was with my ex fiance for almost 2 years, we have a 1 year old son together and things went south quickly when I lied to my fiance for the first time to her face about being arrested just after christmas 2018, I had never broken the law up until this point due to gambling issues and just being emotionally unavailable for the better part of 2 months to her and my son and also our 4 other children (2 were her kids and 2 were mine plus our son we had together)

 

Now I cannot go into detail about my arrest but it was something minor and I should have just been truthful from the get go (she found out from a third party that I was out on bail) now you guys can judge me all you like but I was in a dark dark place at that time and i felt extremely ashamed at my actions because that just isn't in my personality at all.

 

Now I haven't begged, I haven't cried and I haven't pleaded like an idiot to have her back (she asked for space so I respected that, but still video chat my son with her eldest to give her space).

Now i know she still has feelings for me and that she din't want to end things but really, i gave her no other choice, i have been going to gamblers anonymous and also AA as well (gambling got way out of control whilst drinking) to better myself and started training again and just focusing on myself for now to become a better person for the kids.

 

Now my question is, do i put my ego aside and ask her out for dinner or a movie? Or do i just leave it and let her move on? I really miss her alot and also i treated her children like they were my own and i most my son EVERY SINGLE DAY!! (We have been separated for almost 6 weeks and I have given her total space for the past 2 weeks) sorry about the long post but I just want a female perspective as what to do next?

 

I have written her a letter stating how much I miss my son and her and her children and that I don't feel complete without them in my life (just wondering if I should give it to her or just let it go)

 

Thanks guys, I really appreciate it and look forward to your honest and awesome replies!!

[d0nnivain]

Try flowers with a note of apology. . You can try the letter.

 

This is going to be very hard to repair because there were several problems under here:

 

* the dark place

 

* the gambling problem

 

* the arrest

 

* the lie about the arrest

 

Are you in GA yet? Maybe start there. Show her your 30 day coin / chip.

 

At this point she does not know how she can trust you so you need to start engaging in great transparency & showing her, not telling her, that she can trust you. She must have been frantic when she couldn't locate you while you were in jail. She fears that you have lied to her before. She is probably terrified that you will lose the house / mortgage money / rent money & she won't be able to feed 5 kids on her own. That is a lot & it's going to take real effort to overcome the damage that has been caused.

[Normm]

Now I cannot go into detail about my arrest but it was something minor

 

 

To you it might be minor. To her it might not be. Can't really help you if you aren't forthcoming about what the crime was. It's all anonymous here so don't go saying you can't talk about it that's just ridiculous.

 

 

I have written her a letter stating how much I miss my son and her and her children and that I don't feel complete without them in my life

 

 

Terrible idea to give her a letter that's all about YOU.

[Michael1978]

In my opinion you need to give her space. It's great to see you on the road to self improvement and the first steps are always exciting when you get that impactful change. But you need to get right into it and live the change for a bit, trust me, she is watching with interest to see if you are truly changing and back on track, or if it's a temporary change that might revert.

 

Respect her wishes and keep contact to a minimum, because she knows what you want and she'll see that you are changing for you.

 

In this time away, work on you and you alone. Short messages to check on your child, with no emotion and a pure level head, sent at a time when you are at peace with yourself.

 

Leave it a month or so before you increase the contact.

 

I know this because I made every mistake under the sun and drove my ex away in November. I went full (as much as I can working together) no contact and really got her out of my system and trained like a beast, got my **** together, and I am living a great life. I reached out to my ex on Friday (her son was playing basketball in a tournament) and we bantered fairly well. Probably a bit too much a bit too fast as shes now asking for advice on her phone and that's kinda not cool!

 

Everything is a test... Pass it well!

[Swandov83]

Thanks norm for your valuable input (as we can't decipher between sarcasm and being real, let's say I was using sarcasm) first of all, if you'd read the post clearly, I wrote her the letter but HAVE NOT GIVEN IT TO HER!! I was asking for general help and if you're going to be a ****wit about it you can stick your opinion up your arse!! To everyone else who has actually given great input and advice, I really appreciate it, and norm, go **** yourself

[Normm]

The next step is going to anger management classes.

[Michael1978]

Norm may have hit a nerve here I think - but there is a lot of validity in his responses even if he has made assumptions and poor phrasing. I might be able to help...

 

1. Some people see something that we consider minor as major - in this case it may not be the crime itself but more the act of deceit that she's hurting. You are sowing that you can mislead or lie to her and that'll hurt more than what you've done, or it could amplify what you have done if it's something she cares deeply about.

 

2. He is right about us writing about ourselves - even if we have the best of intentions (and great that you haven't given it to her because I gave mine to my ex... bad move). We talk about ourselves and what we should have done, etc... We also try to turn their feelings around like trying to turn a runaway car - it's always best to wait until they stop first! THEN you talk about THEM and how THEY feel. I have been helping some mates through some relationship issues and this is working!

 

I know you're distraught mate, and when you get some advice on places like this you tend to not read it in the tone intended. There are lessons in everything and the key is to come at it when you're less steamed up.

 

Trust me, it's been 3 months and I have just had the first phone convo with my ex after going No contact.

 

As one Aussie to another, take care buddy. This is a delicate operation you are about to embark on and you're gonna have to take the rough advice with the kind advice.