GF Broke Up All Of A Sudden, Ghosted Me

[Highndry]

...I don't know why I'm still thinking about this girl so much, and I have some hope that she'll come around (even though getting back with her would be a bad idea...but I doubt she will even)...

I'm out....

[skanzer]

I'm out....

 

I still have to come to acceptance it's over deep inside, I'm still in the 'shock' stage because of how it happened. Logically I know it is over, and I will never go back to her. That comment didn't mean I am hoping for her to come around...I know it's done.

[bathtub-row]

What she did to you was horrible and there’s no other way to say it. People just don’t do that. You didn’t even do anything wrong. But even when a guy blunders, the woman is typically understanding enough to hear him out. But she didn’t do that. She flat out cut you off without so much as an explanation or giving you the chance to talk to her about it. If someone did that to me, I’d never speak to them again.

 

I think you keep blaming yourself when really you did nothing wrong. Even if she couldn’t afford to pay half, she could’ve told you that. Even if in her world the guy pays for everything, she should’ve explained that to you. This thing of not even talking it out is the crux of the problem, along with the cruelty of her actions.

[SevenCity]

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This is a random story, but this happened during our relationship and it was a huge red flag to me..

 

You have to pay attention to fed flags early on. When you meet a chick you really dig, it’s easy to overlook signs she is not a good person.

 

Men are famous for this. We can be so attracted to women that it blinds you to reality.

 

What you want to do for the next one is realize just because you like a girl doesn’t make her girlfriend material.

 

Instead, keep your feelings in check until she PROVES she is worthy of them. But even then, you have to realize women say what they feel in that moment....it is only applicable then. The exception is when they lose feelings - that is forever.

 

I’ve dated a few women who actually insisted on paying. That’s the type of women you want - one who is not selfish. I’ve never made a girl my girlfriend unless she feels obligated to share the financial burden.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sadly, I think you were far more into her than she was into you.

 

She liked what you could provide, in terms of material comforts, but I don't think her feelings for you as a person were all that strong. Sorry OP, you didn't deserve such a cold brush-off, but I think you are seeing what this relationship actually meant to her - which was not that much.

[elaine567]

It may be cultural, I read that whilst men make the money, the Japanese woman usually decides how it is spent.

By deciding you were only paying half, she may have seen that as disrespectful to her.

Hence she bailed.

[JuneL]

It may be cultural, I read that whilst men make the money, the Japanese woman usually decides how it is spent.

By deciding you were only paying half, she may have seen that as disrespectful to her.

Hence she bailed.

 

Then she should find a stereotypical Japanese boyfriend

 

The last I checked, nothing in Japanese dating culture says a woman can ghost her bf like that.

Edited February 4, 2019 by JuneL

[skanzer]

I don't want to demonize her, or conclude that it was 'all' about money for her breaking up with me. She has a good job too, and I was very generous with her.

 

I sincerely think, she was infatuated, and really liked me in the beginning, but it wore off, and she lost interest for WHATEVER reasons those may be. You don't just cut someone off like that, who is very generous with you, offered to pay half your ticket AND your stay in another country (pretty much 70-80% of her trip cost). If another guy offered that, that she really digged, she'd stay.

 

She did not dig me that much. I respect her feelings, you can't force someone to love you. I do not respect how she broke up with me, that's for sure.

 

What's done is done, I need to move on. I've been coming to terms with the acceptance that, I'm better off without her, because what I want ultimately is a girl who will stick around. My fantasy dictated, that it was this girl, who loves me and will stick with me, but she didn't...in other words, she simply is not 'the one'.

[bathtub-row]

It’s not about demonizing her. It’s about her cutting you off without so much as a discussion. Look, I’ve had a few men in my life, and couple of them were pretty bad guys. One of them was from another country. The cultural differences were bigger than I anticipated. But his behavior wouldn’t have been acceptable in any culture. I talked to him about it and gave him a chance to fix things before I bolted. As I said before, her not even discussing it with you is a huge problem and very cruel on her part.

[skanzer]

It’s not about demonizing her. It’s about her cutting you off without so much as a discussion. Look, I’ve had a few men in my life, and couple of them were pretty bad guys. One of them was from another country. The cultural differences were bigger than I anticipated. But his behavior wouldn’t have been acceptable in any culture. I talked to him about it and gave him a chance to fix things before I bolted. As I said before, her not even discussing it with you is a huge problem and very cruel on her part.

 

I agree 100% with you.

 

And in regards to some previous comments, it's not a Japanese thing. I have lived in Japan almost 2 years as an American, have many Japanese friends, and this is not acceptable behavior in this country, even according to all my Japanese friends.

 

The way she ended it with me was extremely insensitive and heartless. She didn't even officially end it, she just said "I shouldn't have said that" in regards to my comment mentioned in previous posts, she said she wants to pick up her things, and when I tried to talk to her about it, she said "I don't wanna talk to you anymore" which I think was her last official message to me. When I met her at the subway station to give her the things she left at my apartment, she took them, and just walked away.

 

I'll be honest, I've gone on a single dates with other girls, and sometimes I don't feel the vibes, so I might just never say anything after the 1st date. But this was a 3 month relationship where we spent lots of time together, took trips, sex, talked about marriage etc. 3 months is not long, but it is not short by any stretch of the imagination, especially when the girl is sleeping at your place 3-4 days a week.

 

It is what it is at this point. I lost a lot of respect for her, and would never consider getting back with her. It hurts, because of how she did it, but at the same time so brutally breaking up with me like that, is even more reason for me to be glad she didn't waste any more of my time.

 

But geez, it really hurts a lot.

[Tamfana]

It may be cultural, I read that whilst men make the money, the Japanese woman usually decides how it is spent.

By deciding you were only paying half, she may have seen that as disrespectful to her.

Hence she bailed.

 

There's a lot of truth to that. We've had some Japanese friends, couples, and that was how it worked. The wives were responsible for the bills and money.

[skanzer]

There's a lot of truth to that. We've had some Japanese friends, couples, and that was how it worked. The wives were responsible for the bills and money.

 

 

Keyword wives, and I'm not even sure this is extensive in Japanese society. It happens even in American families...but I don't think this is something relevant to my situation anyways

[skanzer]

If your suggestion is that a Japanese girlfriend controls/manages her boyfriends money...100% wrong

[Tamfana]

Keyword wives, and I'm not even sure this is extensive in Japanese society. It happens even in American families...but I don't think this is something relevant to my situation anyways

 

Don't reject this out of hand. Look into it. In the over-40 generations I've never met one Japanese couple that didn't do it this way and you were discussing money with her when she said you shouldn't have said that. Other cultures have their view of us too so what you said might have fit right into something that her culture knows is a big difference with theirs.

[skanzer]

Don't reject this out of hand. Look into it. In the over-40 generations I've never met one Japanese couple that didn't do it this way and you were discussing money with her when she said you shouldn't have said that. Other cultures have their view of us too so what you said might have fit right into something that her culture knows is a big difference with theirs.

 

I am not trying to disregard your comment in any way, but I'm certain that in the new generation of couples in their 20's, it does not work this way. When marriage happens, sure, but not in first 3 months of dating that's for sure.

[bathtub-row]

Really sorry this happened to you. I can’t imagine how much that must hurt.

[skanzer]

Really sorry this happened to you. I can’t imagine how much that must hurt.

 

The extremely hurtful part is her breaking up leaving me with nothing...thats why i kept blaming myself, and i still do sometimes except im starting to realize/feel i did nothing wrong...and even if I did, you cant resolve anything if your partner cuts you off like you are trash.

[bathtub-row]

The extremely hurtful part is her breaking up leaving me with nothing...thats why i kept blaming myself, and i still do sometimes except im starting to realize/feel i did nothing wrong...and even if I did, you cant resolve anything if your partner cuts you off like you are trash.

 

Right. How do you fix a mistake if you’re cut off the second you make it? I get it. There are some things that a dealbreakers but I don’t think what you did falls into that category. She’s just really cold, is all I can say.

[skanzer]

Right. How do you fix a mistake if you’re cut off the second you make it? I get it. There are some things that a dealbreakers but I don’t think what you did falls into that category. She’s just really cold, is all I can say.

 

Any advice on how to move on? And trust again? I was single 3 years before I got into this relationship (single so long because I was in a 5 year relationship and wanted to be single and ‘find myself’)...but my first considerable relationship after 3 years ended in disaster obviously...and what’s lousy is she probably doesnt even have a thought of me yet here I am in pain because of her.

[bathtub-row]

I doubt that she doesn’t think if you. That’s highly unlikely.

 

As far as how to move on, that’s always very difficult. As I’m sure you know. And it’s hard to trust after you’ve been treated so badly. I guess if I were in your shoes, I’d think back to any negative things you noticed about her but brushed off. Sometimes it helps so that you don’t ignore the red flags the next time around. Most importantly, time will heal your hurt. I know that doesn’t help right now but it might help to know there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

[skanzer]

I doubt that she doesn’t think if you. That’s highly unlikely.

 

As far as how to move on, that’s always very difficult. As I’m sure you know. And it’s hard to trust after you’ve been treated so badly. I guess if I were in your shoes, I’d think back to any negative things you noticed about her but brushed off. Sometimes it helps so that you don’t ignore the red flags the next time around. Most importantly, time will heal your hurt. I know that doesn’t help right now but it might help to know there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Thank you for your response...and sorry to keep talking about this but..

 

It's hard to find many things wrong with her. Actually it felt pretty perfect for the most part, and we really clicked and enjoyed time with each other. I know she genuinely enjoyed being with me. There wasn't some downward slope that led to the breakup on the surface at least...it was like being in what you felt was an amazing, perfect relationship, then having the rug swept from under you.

 

It really feels like a nightmare, a bad dream, that I'm not waking up from. We were really close. 3-4 days a week sleeping over, and if she was away she'd always text and call me...I really don't know what went wrong, and a big part of me wants her back

[Chaparral]

I wonder what if there is a cultural difference here. You offered to pay her way then you took back the offer. Maybe she simply couldn’t afford it. Maybe she was insulted. You should have said you had no idea the ticket was so expensive and you could not afford it. If I was going to invite my girlfriend to come see me I would pay. No question. Why couldn’t you afford it? How do you know she could? She may have been embarrassed. It’s always seemed to me the Japanese have a much higher sense of honor than we do. You crossed some kind of line that can’t be crossed perhaps. I understand your friends there disagree but they may have ulterior motives. Foreigners can’t become Japanese citizens correct?

Is there a class system in Japan?

[skanzer]

I wonder what if there is a cultural difference here. You offered to pay her way then you took back the offer. Maybe she simply couldn’t afford it. Maybe she was insulted. You should have said you had no idea the ticket was so expensive and you could not afford it. If I was going to invite my girlfriend to come see me I would pay. No question. Why couldn’t you afford it? How do you know she could? She may have been embarrassed. It’s always seemed to me the Japanese have a much higher sense of honor than we do. You crossed some kind of line that can’t be crossed perhaps. I understand your friends there disagree but they may have ulterior motives. Foreigners can’t become Japanese citizens correct?

Is there a class system in Japan?

 

She could have simply said something to me, I'd pay it. I agree, I should've paid simply because I said I would. But, I pay 90% of things, lunches, dinners, drinks, etc....I didn't think asking her to split the ticket AND mentioning that I'd take care of all her costs while she visited me (food etc) was a such bad thing to suggest, not because I couldn't afford it (I could afford it), but just so she can share at least part of the finances.

 

I even sent her messageD apologizing, and saying I should have paid it.

 

Her job is decent too...I don't know her bank account value, but if she couldn't afford it I'd be happy to pay it. She didn't even communicate anything at all to me, she just left me like I was a sinking ship. I didn't realize I was crossing "some kind of line that can't be crossed".

[Normm]

You never know what someone else's dealbreakers are going to be.

 

 

 

Some women expect the guy to pay for everything. I've met a few along the way and they were disappointed after a week or two when I've paid for a few meals and then I say something like "now it's your turn" or "when is it your turn" and they say "I don't think the woman should pay" and I say "nice knowing ya". Because a woman who is a financial parasite is my dealbreaker.

 

 

 

All depends on which side of the fence you're on I suppose.

 

 

I know you're hurting but truth be told you're better off not spending the rest of your life with a woman who is offended at the mere thought of having to pay for more than a cup of coffee.

[skanzer]

She could have simply said something to me, I'd pay it. I agree, I should've paid simply because I said I would. But, I pay 90% of things, lunches, dinners, drinks, etc....I didn't think asking her to split the ticket AND mentioning that I'd take care of all her costs while she visited me (food etc) was a such bad thing to suggest, not because I couldn't afford it (I could afford it), but just so she can share at least part of the finances.

 

I even sent her messageD apologizing, and saying I should have paid it.

 

Her job is decent too...I don't know her bank account value, but if she couldn't afford it I'd be happy to pay it. She didn't even communicate anything at all to me, she just left me like I was a sinking ship. I didn't realize I was crossing "some kind of line that can't be crossed".

 

 

And I understand you saying, if you invited your gf to come see you, you would pay. I think its the right approach.

 

I paid for most of everything, she rarely offered to pay for a lunch or dinner (and she was staying with me 3-4 days per week...). She's 'sometimes' offer, but rarely.

 

I just felt like I was always paying for most of everything, it kind of bothered me. Asking her to pay half the ticket, and telling her I'd pay for her stay here (no hotel payment from her, no food payment, nothing) was still generous I think. If someone can let you go SO EASILY just because you so much as suggest to pay half a plane ticket, was it even worth it?