Other Man caught

[CaliforniaOtherMan]

Not sure what to do...

I am/was the other man in a multiyear affair with a married woman with kids.

It started a few years ago after she started texting me. To be clear, I was friends with her husband and knew her, though not as well.

It went from texting to meeting while she lied to her husband about where she was. It was just fun at first, emotional without a sexual relationship. That changed after about a year into our relationship.

I love her kids, was still friends with her husband and spent time at their home.

Her and her husband eventually moved away and we kept in contact secretly. He suspected things and we no longer had any "official" contact.

We continued to talk in secret, and after she moved away we started to fight more and have problems. We "broke up" but still wrote each other regularly and were mainly fighting, but still talked about our past.

He found our secret conversations recently and told her that he will divorce her.

I always realized how ****ty of a person I was for engaging in such behavior, but I loved her and still kept going. I feel so awful for involving myself in this, not only because we were caught, but because of the lies, deceit, and infidelity I caused. I keep thinking back to our first meeting and wish I could have stopped her, but I didn't. I remember in my mind while it was happening that first meeting "there is a fork in this road" but I said "**** it" and let it happen. We should have stopped after we were caught, but we didn't. I wish I could go back and end it there since I didn't at the start.

Her husband told me to kill myself. I don't want to do that, but I feel so awful for everything.

What should I do? Should I cut off all contact and see how things unfold? I am not sure if I want to be with her after our break up and the hurtful things that were said and done between the both of us, but I am responsible for what happened. I am afraid she will lose custody of her children.

[CaliforniaOtherMan]

I tried to find similar instances on here, but I couldn't find one that matched... also I am not familiar with many of the abbreviations used here, so perhaps I am missing something from that.

[BaileyB]

If she lives in the US, she won’t lose custody of her children. Her husband may chose to divorce her, or her children may chose not to live with or speak with their mother, but she will have a lawyer and she would not lose custody of her children in the event of divorce.

 

And, you should not kill yourself. That is never the best solution to any problem, no matter how bad.

 

You need to stop talking with this woman. If you have ever loved her, ending all contact is the most “loving” thing you can do for her now. It is her marriage - it should not involve you - let her deal with the situation at home... She made her bed and now she will deal with the consequences.

 

About the only thing that you can do right now... look ahead and make better decisions for your own life. Be a better person. Perhaps that will help to make some kind of cosmic amends for the hurt and the pain that you have caused...

[Patrice]

You were party to something that is not or should be in your keeping as a person. She is culpable too, get out and stay out of it.

[CaliforniaOtherMan]

yes she is in the US. this is helpful. thank you.

[sandylee1]

So you betrayed a friend too? There must be thousands of other women you can be with...your friend's wife should never be one of them.

 

He can make things very difficult for her, so you need to cut contact.

[Miss Clavel]

come on, where you really friends with her husband? really?

 

if so, you are going to have to apologize. and mean it.

 

just say you were raised better. that you were in a bad place and made bad decisions. that it only happened two or three times, lie. fall on your sword. take all the blame. let him tell rant and cuss.

 

then, end it. no contact, no going back.

[stillafool]

Why her when there are so many other women you could have been with?

[whichwayisup]

I wish I could go back and end it there since I didn't at the start.

But you can end it now. You have full control over your life and can walk away from her at any time.

 

For your own sake, as well as theirs and their kids, stay away.

 

This is double betrayal! He has every right to hate you and who knows how dangerous he is. Some people are capable of anything when pushed past their emotional limit, and your situation isn't good at all. You were around their kids, befriended him and he trusted you...So imagine the rage he feels towards you.

[CaliforniaOtherMan]

But you can end it now. You have full control over your life and can walk away from her at any time.

 

For your own sake, as well as theirs and their kids, stay away.

 

This is double betrayal! He has every right to hate you and who knows how dangerous he is. Some people are capable of anything when pushed past their emotional limit, and your situation isn't good at all. You were around their kids, befriended him and he trusted you...So imagine the rage he feels towards you.

 

we have not been in contact since he found out. i am planning on keeping it this way, though i am very worried about her... i just feel trapped and feel so awful for the situation that she is in. it takes two to create such a mess, so i am equally as responsible as her.

[BaileyB]

we have not been in contact since he found out. i am planning on keeping it this way, though i am very worried about her... i just feel trapped and feel so awful for the situation that she is in. it takes two to create such a mess, so i am equally as responsible as her.

 

But, it's her marriage, her husband, her responsibility to deal with the fall-out.

 

The time for you to take responsibility for the situation (ie. "it takes two to tango") is long past... You could have helped her a long time ago by ending this affair, or refusing to engage in this very inappropriate relationship. It's far to late for you to do anything now.

[Vivir]

This is one of those isht-storm situations

But please, in all seriousness, do not take the suggestion to kill yourself. That is no way to deal with what has happened here.

 

I agree with BaileyB's most recent post. It is xMOW's marriage and she cannot count on your assistance to do anything to help here. You've ruined your friendship with her husband by carrying on a multi-year affair with his wife... The damage was already done; he just found out about it and now there are some pretty negative consequences... You really cannot do anything but allow Time to create a lot of distance in your situation AND do some inner work on YOU so that you will not allow yourself to become involved in anything remotely similar in the future ... mostly because what you've done has been you living against your primary values and this outcome is not sitting well with you (which I think is a good thing, because that means there is hope for you yet).

[CaliforniaOtherMan]

This is one of those isht-storm situations

But please, in all seriousness, do not take the suggestion to kill yourself. That is no way to deal with what has happened here.

 

I agree with BaileyB's most recent post. It is xMOW's marriage and she cannot count on your assistance to do anything to help here. You've ruined your friendship with her husband by carrying on a multi-year affair with his wife... The damage was already done; he just found out about it and now there are some pretty negative consequences... You really cannot do anything but allow Time to create a lot of distance in your situation AND do some inner work on YOU so that you will not allow yourself to become involved in anything remotely similar in the future ... mostly because what you've done has been you living against your primary values and this outcome is not sitting well with you (which I think is a good thing, because that means there is hope for you yet).

 

i appreciate your honest reply. thank you.

[Vivir]

No problem, CaliforniaOtherMan. I do feel badly for you. Sometimes we cannot see the situation for what it is until other people provide their perspectives.

 

I also want you to know that I have been the other woman and a self-proclaimed villain. I was guilty of lying to a single man I had tried to date when I was not completely done with xMM. It turned into a gigantic mess and I LOST big time. It is not easy to be the one who caused a lot of pain to others.

 

In the meantime, COM, you have to deal with the seconds, minutes, hours as they s l o w l y pass by. If you do anything remotely like I did, you will have to come to terms with what you've done and how others perceive you. Once you put it into the universe, you cannot take it back <--- these are words to live by. That goes for words and actions.

 

You do deserve to feel bad and grieve, but don't get stuck there. I wallow and I did feel I was getting stuck, but I am much better today. It is a process. You live and you learn. And you strive to do better, to be better.

 

Here's wishing you luck.

[CaliforniaOtherMan]

No problem, CaliforniaOtherMan. I do feel badly for you. Sometimes we cannot see the situation for what it is until other people provide their perspectives.

 

I also want you to know that I have been the other woman and a self-proclaimed villain. I was guilty of lying to a single man I had tried to date when I was not completely done with xMM. It turned into a gigantic mess and I LOST big time. It is not easy to be the one who caused a lot of pain to others.

 

In the meantime, COM, you have to deal with the seconds, minutes, hours as they s l o w l y pass by. If you do anything remotely like I did, you will have to come to terms with what you've done and how others perceive you. Once you put it into the universe, you cannot take it back <--- these are words to live by. That goes for words and actions.

 

You do deserve to feel bad and grieve, but don't get stuck there. I wallow and I did feel I was getting stuck, but I am much better today. It is a process. You live and you learn. And you strive to do better, to be better.

 

Here's wishing you luck.

did you seek therapy? i am thinking of doing the same, however i am afraid of even speaking about what happened. it is just so painful...

[Orokotikki]

did you seek therapy? i am thinking of doing the same, however i am afraid of even speaking about what happened. it is just so painful...

 

 

Probably advisable, professionals may help you embrace truth, and unshackle yourself from the shame of your actions.

[Mrs._December]

...just say you were raised better. that you were in a bad place and made bad decisions. that it only happened two or three times, lie. fall on your sword.

For the life of me, I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why you would be advised to lie to her husband even more than you already have.

 

I'm just being honest here, but you had no problem going to his house, hanging out with his family, eating his food, drinking his beer, and acting like you were his buddy when in reality, you were completely disrespecting him and his children and his home, and making a complete mockery of his marriage. And all because - in your words - you were having sex with his wife for the 'fun' of it. She was just as low, make no mistake, but she's not posting here or I'd tell her the same thing.

 

So do NOT disrespect this man even worse than you already have by lying to him if you're going to man up and apologize for your part in the destruction of his marriage. Have at least the good grace and common decency to own up to what you did.

 

As the others have said, he can't 'take away' her kids from her for cheating on him. That only happens when one spouse can prove that the other is an unfit parent, and infidelity is not an acceptable reason. Neglect, abuse, sexual abuse, alcoholism or drug abuse can be valid reasons for possibly losing your kids, but not infidelity.

[Vivir]

did you seek therapy? i am thinking of doing the same, however i am afraid of even speaking about what happened. it is just so painful...

 

I understand how you feel. I, too, did not want to speak to a person I did not know or trust about what happened with me. I felt incredibly vulnerable and barely wanted to trust my own friends with the information. LoveShack came in handy when I was obsessing, in fact. I read so many threads in this forum. I mean, I went back hundreds of pages... I did searches for particular posters and for particular topics. And I did this for months...

 

I really wanted to seek therapy though, and I searched for a therapist, but never went until recently. It is complicated. My intention in therapy is to focus on a few other things, like the major underlying reasons I had the affair, as opposed to the affair itself...

 

I did a host of other therapeutic things instead in those terrible early days of ending the affair and NC, and I did A LOT of introspective work on myself. I hid my head in the sand a lot when I couldn't bear the thought(s) of what I was facing at that moment. I wallowed... Another reason I have sought therapy is because I want to make sure I am not caught up in circular thinking...

 

The top things that helped me in the very beginning were reading here at LoveShack, listening to fiction audiobooks (my favorite at the moment is actually a podcast called Lore by Aaron Mahnke), the "End the Affair" coaching session at GoAskSuzie, forcing self-compassion, going for nature walks, listening to Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue, and journaling my deepest thoughts... I cannot recommend journaling enough. Also, Brene Brown's TED talks on shame... and reading Nathaniel Braden's How to Build Your Self-Esteem (or Honoring the Self)...

 

These worked for me. You may try different things, but you will have to find out what works for you.

 

I would give myself a break by getting lost in audiobooks. I found that these kept my mind focused on something else. There is also a task at my job that demands me to focus totally on it and nothing else. California OM, maybe you can determine what allows your mind to drift away from your pain for a while, so you can have a break from it.

 

When you're ready to focus, you can get back to your introspection and practicing integrity. I practice integrity by telling the truth in all aspects of my life... even when I am afraid to do so. By doing this, I have built up my confidence in myself to be true to me.

 

I really hopes this helps you to get further along as you start down a healthier path to a more authentic you. I know it hurts you, and that is to be expected. But with Time and serious work, you can get to a better place.

[CaliforniaOtherMan]

For the life of me, I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why you would be advised to lie to her husband even more than you already have.

 

I'm just being honest here, but you had no problem going to his house, hanging out with his family, eating his food, drinking his beer, and acting like you were his buddy when in reality, you were completely disrespecting him and his children and his home, and making a complete mockery of his marriage. And all because - in your words - you were having sex with his wife for the 'fun' of it. She was just as low, make no mistake, but she's not posting here or I'd tell her the same thing.

 

So do NOT disrespect this man even worse than you already have by lying to him if you're going to man up and apologize for your part in the destruction of his marriage. Have at least the good grace and common decency to own up to what you did.

 

As the others have said, he can't 'take away' her kids from her for cheating on him. That only happens when one spouse can prove that the other is an unfit parent, and infidelity is not an acceptable reason. Neglect, abuse, sexual abuse, alcoholism or drug abuse can be valid reasons for possibly losing your kids, but not infidelity.

 

wasn't for "the fun of it." there are numerous other variables here that i did not include out of brevity.

[Vivir]

CaliforniaOM, somewhere in your thread I wrote that you "deserve to feel bad and grieve" I just want you to know I did NOT mean this in a way that admonishes you. When I was in the thick of my pain, I felt that I did not deserve to feel sadness because I had been "the bad guy." But I did feel great sadness, and I had a lot of trouble making it go away.

 

You are in pain. Show yourself some compassion. It helps. I just wanted to reiterate my meaning.

[CaliforniaOtherMan]

CaliforniaOM, somewhere in your thread I wrote that you "deserve to feel bad and grieve" I just want you to know I did NOT mean this in a way that admonishes you. When I was in the thick of my pain, I felt that I did not deserve to feel sadness because I had been "the bad guy." But I did feel great sadness, and I had a lot of trouble making it go away.

 

You are in pain. Show yourself some compassion. It helps. I just wanted to reiterate my meaning.

your last two comments are phenomenal. i cannot express enough how appreciative i am for you talking the time to respond to me thoughtfully, and in detail. really, i have felt so unbelievably alone and awful since D Day. i feel bad for MM. Badly. Like, i know my pain, but i cannot even fathom his.

i know that i have to allow myself to feel bad. i need to. i deserve to. i just don't think i deserve to not feel bad again. while i'm not the only one that started this A, I participated in it knowing full well what I was doing. i should feel bad. is deciding when i should stop actively feeling bad something that is part of this journey? i know i will always passively feel awful about it no matter what the outcome of this whole disaster is, i just... i don't know.

[Vivir]

I'm happy that my words have given you a shred of peace during this time in your life. I can definitely sympathize with those feelings of awfulness and aloneness , because I have been somewhere similar. It took me quite a long time to feel better without "faking it til I made it." And while I still suffer from loneliness, I manage it better these days than I did when I allowed myself to fall into an affair.

 

I think there is hope for you. In your last post, you expressed regret for your involvement in hurting her betrayed husband, for imagining what his pain must be like.

 

You asked the question, "is deciding when i should stop actively feeling bad something that is part of this journey?"

 

For me the answer was Yes. I didn't force it. It was a long and drawn out process that I thought I would never get past. The feeling of not feeling extreme shame eventually came and one day I realized I felt freer, lighter. My mind was no longer bogged down with it, although it had been for a very long time. BUT I tried really hard to be better, to get to a better place mentally. A

 

Also, I have had a few in-person talks with a divorced man who is an xMOM (ex-married other man, to a married woman), and he and I agreed that one works through it but eventually has to let it go. It is not that we come to a point where we become OK with our past actions; it is more that we have to come to a place of peace and finally move on. Holding on to it tightly, as anything other than cautionary tales for others, becomes harmful to us and any future we might have with someone else.

[CaliforniaOtherMan]

I'm happy that my words have given you a shred of peace during this time in your life. I can definitely sympathize with those feelings of awfulness and aloneness , because I have been somewhere similar. It took me quite a long time to feel better without "faking it til I made it." And while I still suffer from loneliness, I manage it better these days than I did when I allowed myself to fall into an affair.

 

I think there is hope for you. In your last post, you expressed regret for your involvement in hurting her betrayed husband, for imagining what his pain must be like.

 

You asked the question, "is deciding when i should stop actively feeling bad something that is part of this journey?"

 

For me the answer was Yes. I didn't force it. It was a long and drawn out process that I thought I would never get past. The feeling of not feeling extreme shame eventually came and one day I realized I felt freer, lighter. My mind was no longer bogged down with it, although it had been for a very long time. BUT I tried really hard to be better, to get to a better place mentally. A

 

Also, I have had a few in-person talks with a divorced man who is an xMOM (ex-married other man, to a married woman), and he and I agreed that one works through it but eventually has to let it go. It is not that we come to a point where we become OK with our past actions; it is more that we have to come to a place of peace and finally move on. Holding on to it tightly, as anything other than cautionary tales for others, becomes harmful to us and any future we might have with someone else.

 

thanks vivir.

like, i am pretty sure that their marriage will not survive and that's what is killing me because of the pain it puts on xMW and MM and their families. will they both recover? probably. will there always be that wound in their hearts? yes. i recognize this.

i tried to go to a walk in therapy session today, but i couldn't go in the door. i just am not ready to talk about something like this with someone. there has been only one person i have talked to about this A, and he is not privy to the most recent events. i don't want to be judged by him or anyone else... so much of my insecurities right now are coming from judgement. i am worried that other people in my social group will learn about the A and the damage I caused to them. i am well aware that this is part of the package deal of engaging in activity like i was... i guess i just never fully thought about the A surfacing, which was stupid. every lie eventually comes out.

suicide or self harm have not crossed my mind nor do i really see those as logical moves, i just don't see myself ever recovering from the trauma i caused or the trauma/ptsd i am facing now.

this whole thing sucks. i would give ten years of my life to not have to go through this. easily.

i didn't start the A with MW, she did. i know this may seem very very stupid and selfish, but i feel like i am 0.00001% a victim. not even 1%, but a tiny fraction of a percent. did i actively engage in it? yes. did i make an active choice? yes. was i weak in letting it happen and continue rather than listening to the voice in my head that said don't? yes. i am just like... trying to reflect on this whole thing, not to deflect any blame, but to understand what is going on with me both then and now. this is such a pivotal point in my life, yet i only think about the damage i caused and its affect on me. am i selfish for thinking like this? am i wrong for thinking like this?

this isn't directed just at you vivir, but to anyone that has read this and perhaps has been in a similar situation as myself.

Edited February 6, 2019 by CaliforniaOtherMan

[Aloha123]

Hi -- I am a MW having an affair with a MM, and I just want to say I was afraid to go to therapy but neither my therapist NOR my psychiatrist was AT ALL shocked or even judgmental about my situation. Believe it or not, I think they hear similar stories all day long. This is more common than most people think (much like alcoholism, abuse, or any other myriad of unhealthy and toxic situations we humans can find ourselves in the middle of).

 

The good news for you is that, unlike mine, your situation has run it's course, like it or not, so you will have no choice but to try to get on with your life, make amends, whatever.

[CaliforniaOtherMan]

Hi -- I am a MW having an affair with a MM, and I just want to say I was afraid to go to therapy but neither my therapist NOR my psychiatrist was AT ALL shocked or even judgmental about my situation. Believe it or not, I think they hear similar stories all day long. This is more common than most people think (much like alcoholism, abuse, or any other myriad of unhealthy and toxic situations we humans can find ourselves in the middle of).

 

The good news for you is that, unlike mine, your situation has run it's course, like it or not, so you will have no choice but to try to get on with your life, make amends, whatever.

Thanks Aloha.

I am sure I will get there eventually... but everything is still fresh and i am not ready to face the music by verbally talking about it. this board has been a therapy of sorts for me.