hamsterhouse Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 I'm set to stand up to one of my oldest and best friend's weddings this year. It's a small destination wedding, and because of travel, lodging, and other expenses, it's setting me back over $1k. Worse still, their wedding is around tax time which will set me back even further. None of this would matter too much to me, except that lately I've been feeling rather unappreciated by them, and sometimes even ridiculed or made fun of. We've been friends for 20 years so some good natured ribbing is par for the course, and sometimes I throw it back as friends do, but I feel as if both of them are now ganging up on me to the point where it's flat out mean. I love him like a brother and I genuinely do like his fiance, but sometimes when I leave their house I can't help but wonder why I'm spending so much money on their wedding when it seems as if they don't even enjoy my company. On top of that, I'm one of only a few single people attending this wedding, and the other singles have already purchased plane tickets (together) without even consulting me, when last year we discussed driving there as a group, thus adding to the cost of my trip. I'll be driving alone and incurring all the expenses. I may be overthinking things, but frankly I've got my hands tied here. I want to attend and participate in their wedding, but a part of me also wants to back out. If I do back out, however, that will most certainly sever our friendship. It's late at night right now and I'm bouncing around inside my own head, but I'm at a loss for words on this one. Any help? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Sit your friend down & tell him you feel under appreciated. Talk about what you are feeling. It may be that you see life changing & you are wondering why you are still single. It may not be them at all. Other people's weddings can be difficult & expensive. If you really can't afford to participate speak up sooner rather than later. Frankly $1k for a destination wedding doesn't seem that expensive but my perspective on money may be skewed. Last one DH & I went to cost more. $400 each for r/t airfare so $800; hotel room for 7 nights roughly $100 / night so $700; eating & drinking for 7 days we'll go with $1,000 for that; plus wedding gift. . .we're looking at closer to $3k for 2 people and we didn't have to buy special attire. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Tell your friend you'd really like to be part of the wedding but the money is a dealbreaker for you. If they can help you out then great otherwise they can look for a wedding gift from you in the mail and hopefully no hard feelings. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 (edited) I like Normm's reply, but apart from that there isn't anything you can say to them that is going to matter. The best thing you can do IMO is to reduce the amount of time you invest in them. Sometimes the best way to get someone's attention is the remove yours, so they might respect you more if you aren't so available and use your time for more of your own purposes. Asking for more respect, or complaining that you aren't getting it, pretty much never results in getting the respect you want. You need to earn the respect by not being a doormat without verbally stating it,...it looses impact if you verbally say anything about it. Edited February 4, 2019 by PRW 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 (edited) Tell your friend you'd really like to be part of the wedding but the money is a dealbreaker for you. If they can help you out then great otherwise they can look for a wedding gift from you in the mail and hopefully no hard feelings. The time to do this was when they asked him to be part of the wedding party, not now. You can't just agree and then back out so much later on "because it's too expensive" when the cost had remained the same all this time, and all the arrangements have already been made. That's awfully poor form. That said, OP, I think you should talk to your friend honestly about your concerns. Tell them what you told us here - what it's costing you to attend, that you are happy to do so, but you feel unappreciated. It's possible that they're so engrossed in planning that they don't realize what they're doing, and they might straighten up once you tell them. If they don't listen, or worse, try to make YOU feel bad, then you can back out knowing you'd done everything you can, IMO. Edited February 4, 2019 by Elswyth 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 The time to do this was when they asked him to be part of the wedding party, not now. You can't just agree and then back out so much later on "because it's too expensive" . True, it's bad form and they'll probably hate you. Well you could still call them and explain that you're broke and you handled things poorly and see if they'll help you out financially. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 There's no way I could or would ever spend that much money to go to a wedding. I think if people have destination weddings, they need to foot the bill themselves. It does sound like your friendship is winding down anyway. Him getting married may hasten that. If you stay in the relationship, then stand up for yourself. If he is a real friend, he should know this is a financial hardship for you. If you really don't want to do it, tell him, Sorry, man, this is not something I budgeted for and I need that money to pay taxes and my bills. If it was something you could drive to, I'd have thought the groom or bride would have chartered a bus to take everyone there. Honestly, I just think it's very egotistical to think people want to and can spend this kind of money on someone else's wedding. I mean, unless all your friends are rich. I probably misssed something up there, but I'd say unless you knew it was a destination wedding from when he asked you to stand up, you don't need to feel bad about backing out. If he told you up front it was a destination wedding and would you be there for him, if you can, keep the promise, but as I said, fly in and fly out and don't run up a hotel bill. If you feel you can spend the airfare but don't want to stay and run up hotel expenses, find out exactly what time the wedding ceremony is and fly in and out in one day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 In my opinion, asking people to spend tons of money to attend a wedding is not polite. However, you're also in a spot because you agreed to be part of it and now you are thinking of backing out. That's not polite either. At this point, you need to have a conversation. Explain that you are in unexpected financial difficulties and that the budget is tight. Also explain that lately the way they are treating you with the jokes is getting uncomfortable. There's ways to express yourself that can save the situation if you are calm. Emphasize that you would love to continue the friendship, but that there's some stress going on for you. If they are good friends, they will act to resolve the issues. If not, then you can step back. I tend to question the sanity of people who want to have big destination weddings. It puts friends who are less financially well-off in a bind, such as what the OP is going through. Is the point of the event about how posh the party is, or about sharing a meaningful day with the people you care about? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 (edited) I personally find traveling for a wedding to be normal, due to the distributed nature of my friends and family. We're not the kind of people who have lived in one town all our lives... most of us move fairly frequently. H and I didn't organize a "destination" wedding per se, but almost everyone still had to travel to attend (including us), simply because of how spread out everyone is. I also can't remember the last time I was able to attend a wedding WITHOUT at least taking a domestic flight... If someone genuinely cannot afford to attend, they should decline the invite, but I don't think that's what's going on with OP here. Edited February 5, 2019 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
Author hamsterhouse Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 (edited) Thanks for the input everybody. Just to clear up a couple things, I was asked to participate before I learned it was a destination wedding. Money is tight but manageable, but I can think of more appropriate ways to spend those funds, especially considering the time of the year, and also considering the way I've been made to feel lately. One thing I have considered is to ask them for a loan to help me mitigate the initial cost, possibly $500 or so, then pay them back as my finances are more in order. I also feel like I've gotten the short end of the stick because I feel overlooked when it comes to actually traveling to the destination. I'll be the only one traveling alone, and it's probably a 2-3 day drive (split up). I've made a number road trips of comparable distance, but I was younger and had a bit more road trip stamina at the time. He's been a close friend of mine for many years now, almost like a brother, and I genuinely do like his fiance and consider her a good friend as well, but their attitude over the past 6 months or so has just made me feel rather exhausted. I feel like when you ask somebody to participate in your nuptials and spend a considerable sum out of their own pocket, you would show that person a little bit more respect. That's where I'm at. As I sit here thinking about this, I think the problem has to do with a combination of their relationship to each other and me allowing myself to be too much of a third wheel. Being around them was more enjoyable a few years back when their relationship was younger and they were still more "individual," but after moving in together and getting engaged they've become more "one and the same," taking on many of each others' traits and basically becoming a single unit. This it to be expected, but perhaps I'm at fault for spending too much time with them by myself alone. Edited February 6, 2019 by hamsterhouse Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 It all comes down to whether or not you want to continue the friendship and if it's worth the money to do it. If not, you've got no one to answer to, just tell them you had a change of mind and you won't be attending. If yes, then tell them whats on your mind and give them a chance to make it right. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Why are you choosing to spend 4-6 days driving, rather than flying like everyone else? With the cost of fuel, meals, and at least a couple of nights accomodations, I doubt you will save any money by driving. I can see why everyone else chose to fly rather than taking that ridiculously long drive Link to post Share on other sites
Author hamsterhouse Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 Why are you choosing to spend 4-6 days driving, rather than flying like everyone else? With the cost of fuel, meals, and at least a couple of nights accomodations, I doubt you will save any money by driving. I can see why everyone else chose to fly rather than taking that ridiculously long drive I'm not the only one driving, but I'm not familiar with the few other people who are. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 I'm not the only one driving, but I'm not familiar with the few other people who are. Ask your engaged friends to get you in touch with the other drivers. Carpool. Problem solved Link to post Share on other sites
Cousin Vinny Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 I like Normm's reply, but apart from that there isn't anything you can say to them that is going to matter. The best thing you can do IMO is to reduce the amount of time you invest in them. Sometimes the best way to get someone's attention is the remove yours, so they might respect you more if you aren't so available and use your time for more of your own purposes. Asking for more respect, or complaining that you aren't getting it, pretty much never results in getting the respect you want. You need to earn the respect by not being a doormat without verbally stating it,...it looses impact if you verbally say anything about it. Just to say I found this an interesting thread reading through it. I particularly liked the above reply-PRW good advice for this type of situation that can happen in life-being the underdog so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts