stillafool Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 I think if xMM had ever in his life uttered these words to me, the fog I had been in would've immediately lifted and my healing time might've been cut down drastically. No MM would ever say those words to an OW because they know the well would run dry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 No MM would ever say those words to an OW because they know the well would run dry. Exactly, but it doesn't mean he doesn't think that way... Affairs are complicated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 I agree, Stillafool, those who are looking to cheat count on naivete and magical thinking. And, Elaine, I wonder how different the worlds of dating and marriage would be if we could all read minds! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 (edited) The thing is, if you choose to be in this situation, then competition and jealousy are part of the package. If you don’t like that, then get out. Personally, I don’t know what you’re worried about if she’s lousy in bed - because someone who hates sex has got to be horrible in bed. MM apparently isn’t concerned with that and is happy to sleep with either of you. You not being ok with it isn’t going to make it better, you badgering and questioning him about it every day and fretting about it every night doesn’t change anything, either. This is a hell of your own making and, as long as you’re a willing subject, it’ll continue. There’s also a slight chance that MM will get fed up with your endless nagging and break it off with you. You’re merely comparing great sex to bad sex. It’s not going to change anything in MM’s life...or yours. Great sex does not a relationship make. I think the question of the day is: how long are you going to give up your years to a man who already has a home and family? Edited February 4, 2019 by bathtub-row 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 ...And you and his BW can both expect higher frequency of UTI's... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 The thing is, if you choose to be in this situation, then competition and jealousy are part of the package. If you don’t like that, then get out. This is a hell of your own making and, as long as you’re a willing subject, it’ll continue. This really is the bottom line, very well said. Sadly, about the only thing you have control over is whether you chose to stay in this situation or not. If you chose to stay in this relationship, you know exactly what you can expect. It truly is a hell of your own making. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 All I can say is yikes @ wanting to know every time he has sex with his wife. If you really are that jealous I would recommend getting out of a relationship with someone who is married. An affair is signing up for jealousy and heartache. If you want a real relationship you need to get with someone who is single. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Twistedlove Posted February 5, 2019 Author Share Posted February 5, 2019 I think she mainly has sex with him now because she knows that how he cheated to begin with. She owned up to neglecting him and being emotionless. I didn’t think he pursues her. He was rejected by her for many many years. He has been rejected so much he just quit asking. I mean, I’m sure there are times where he does pursue it but him and I literally have sex 4 times a week. So a guy that goes once every couple months with his wife to once or twice a month with his wife since he was caught cheating and to 4 times a week with me. I’m sure he gets enough sex. He’s literally probably has had sex with me more times in the last year then he has with her in five years. I know I’m being a stupid woman. I know I deserve better. He tells me I deserve better all the time too. He also tells me he’s not capable of giving me everything I need and I don’t expect him too. I was with my husband 15 year and we have been apart for 4 months.! IM honestly not looking for anything more. And it’s true if I loved him enough I would set him free and want him to be happy with his marriage. We have tried several times. It’s easily said then done. I know I will find the man I deserve and he won’t be married. I also do hope in the mix of our stupidness it’s doesn’t completely destroy what he has left . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Twistedlove Posted February 5, 2019 Author Share Posted February 5, 2019 I can’t say why I cheated on my husband before we were divorced. We had a very toxic relationship . I dealt with infedility from him , we tried over coming it but we grew apart and i became very bitter and then fell into an affair unexpectedly as do most. Nobody sets out in life to say geez I think I want to have an affair on my spouse and to boot over a year affair. It def is complicated. I know he loves me. (OM) I mean my husband still loves me but he deserves a woman to love him like he needs to be loved and not be I love with another man as to OM wife does. It’s not my spot to tell her. His love may not be enough to leave but I know you can love people and get yourself in mixed up situation. And hey it could be a fog but how long does the fog last? OM and I have had some rough times too. It’s not always easy , he doesn’t get mad at me for asking , or wanting to know he understands but he just thinks it will make me more crazy knowing when it happened . It’s not so much because I’m like no your forbidden it’s more of a mental thing for me. I am very weird with sexual things like that but I also know he’s never overblap it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Twistedlove Posted February 5, 2019 Author Share Posted February 5, 2019 Thank you to those who are shedding some light for me. Anyone knows anyone that has an addiction can’t get clean until they are ready and an affair is literally like a drug and addiction . Tho I’ve never done drugs. But so I’ve heard. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 I am currently in an EA so I know how challenging it is. The affair fog and mental gymnastics really takes an emotional toll on you. Everyone is responsible for their own choices. I tell my AP that at least once a week. You can’t will him to leave and you can’t will him to pick you. Pick yourself first. And everyone ultimately makes the choice that is in their best interest, regardless of what they tell you. He is making her his choice. You need to decide what to do with that accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 Is this really what you want to be doing with your life? Spending energy over the fact a married man is having sex with his wife? Every interaction you have with him - you are choosing this. All these thoughts you have - you are choosing this. The hard question to ask is why do you choose this? Why don’t you believe that you deserve something better? Why are you willing to settle for so little? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 Delete....................... Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 I'm confused...has he cheated on his wife before? My guess is "yes". I'm not surprised she isn't into oral sex with him. Just imagine what she'd be putting her mouth on! op, you do know it's so much the sex with "you" that's caught his interest. if it wasn't you, it would be someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 Ok so you were the bit of fun, and now you are basically a nag. I get you are upset about him having sex with his wife but is that not what you signed up for? Do you honestly think you can get him to stop? What is your goal here? Sounds like you are tearing yourself to bits, but for what exactly? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 I agree, Stillafool, those who are looking to cheat count on naivete and magical thinking. See I don't believe this. Women aren't as naive as they would like people to believe. The majority of OW go into affairs knowing the man is married and their eyes are wide open. It sounds better to say they were naive than to say they don't have the morals or self respect to know better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 I believe a lot of OWs enter affairs seeing something they want and trying their utmost to get it. It may be that they want to replace the wife it may not but the wife is often an obstacle to their "ambitions", so she needs ousted and pushed off the pedestal to allow the OW to assume her rightful place in the life of the MM. Here the OP is the "sex goddess", so she is peeved that the MM dare have sex with his "undesirable" wife as that devalues the OP's position as the provider of the great sex... "He may not be leaving his wife, but we have fantastic sex, behind her back..." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 (edited) I too think there is a certain naitivity in many situations... Either people think - I can handle this. It’s just sex. I won’t get attached. I can walk away anytime... only to discover that it’s not just sex, they develop feelings, and it’s not so easy to walk away... Or, they think that their connection is so special that he will eventually leave his wife to be with her... and then these women are completely befuddled then that doesn’t happen. However, naitivity doesn’t excuse poor decision making and selfish, hurtful behavior. It’s just very clear from reading all these posts that even the most selfish individuals have a certain naitivity about them... for the most callous, a naitivity that they are entitled to do whatever they want, that they will never get caught, or that all will be forgiven... In this case, it’s not the “connection” that bonds these two individuals, as Elaine’s put it - it’s the great sex that he doesn’t share with the wife. Which is why, OP is rather befuddled about why he continues to have sex with his wife, when sex with her is bad and he gets so much sex every week in the affair. But, sex is just one aspect of the equation... not sure what you are hoping for or what your end game is OP, but if this man is a religious leader in the community... it’s highly doubtful that he will ever leave his wife - regardless of how bad the sex is with his wife or the great sex he has with you. You are just making it really comfortable and really easy for him to have both. Edited February 5, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 Before our affair they have gone 6 months with no sexual contact. He stays because he loves her and he loves his kids. He said sex is just a bonus, obviously he doesnt like the no sexual contact that’s why we ended up in bed. I know you want to THINK that just because you two were 'friends' first, you were getting the actual truth from this guy as far as how horrible and hurried his sex life was. What you don't realize is that just because you thought you two were 'buddies' sharing your marital woes and he didn't have an agenda and no reason to lie to you, doesn't make it so. Most married men - especially those complaining to a woman they find attractive that their sex life is non-existent and/or awful - have an agenda. No matter how innocently he tried to appear like he was just your 'confidant' and was sharing secrets and nothing else, it would be foolish to honestly think he wasn't 'grooming' you for an affair. Seriously. You're too old to be this naive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 I think she mainly has sex with him now because she knows that how he cheated to begin with. She owned up to neglecting him and being emotionless. I didn’t think he pursues her. He was rejected by her for many many years. He has been rejected so much he just quit asking. I mean, I’m sure there are times where he does pursue it but him and I literally have sex 4 times a week. What could POSSIBLY be so appealing about a married liar and cheater that two women are lining up to provide all the sex on tap this cretin could ask for? What's so special about him? Is he famous? Rich? Powerful? I don't get it. I don't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 What could POSSIBLY be so appealing about a married liar and cheater that two women are lining up to provide all the sex on tap this cretin could ask for? What's so special about him? Is he famous? Rich? Powerful? I don't get it. I don't. Exactly but at least his wife has an excuse to cosy up, she has a house, a life and kids to consider. What is the OP's excuse? Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 Every affair I read about here on this site seems to be one variation or another of the same.exact.story and yet every duo engaged in affairs seem to think their story is unique or their 'love' or sex or whatever SO unusual/special. If it wasn't so sad, it would be comical. I can't wrap my brain around affairs. At all. Or why a woman would want to have sex with another woman's husband. How is that not a major blow to one's self-esteem that a man thinks you are good enough to f*ck but not good enough to be with? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Twistedlove Posted February 5, 2019 Author Share Posted February 5, 2019 I am 39 and he’s 40. He’s been married 20 years and no he’s never cheated on his wife before other than with me which he got caught with me 6 months ago. I spoke with his wife6 months ago when we got caught and she said they have never dealt with infedlity before and would be willing to work on their marriage. She was of course very mad and rightfully so. That was just it. I’ve known him for almost 10 years prior and we always kept our boundaries and even when I felt like it was becoming too friendly I would back off. We didn’t speak every day back then . We would see each other where I worked every now and then (I use to work in a restaurant) then he ironically became a trainer at the small gym I was at (boot camp CrossFit type deal and even then nothing until after he left the gym I messaged him congratulating him on his gym and told him I missed seeing him at the gym and bam from there things changed. Indef didn’t set out to chest on my husband. I thought I could handle just sex. But both of Ilya immediately got attached because we kinda knew each other for so long Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 What I don't understand is you say your marriage has ended because you couldn't recover from your husband's infidelity. Having experienced this how can you then turn around and insert yourself into another woman's marriage, even if it was just for sex initially. You've already been caught once, somehow I'm not convinced you're not going to keep pushing going for DDay2 in the hope she throws him out and he'll be all yours. I think you'd be surprised though, if it came down to a real choice between you or his wife it would be her. You're single now, choose you and a healthy uncomplicated future with someone new. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 What I don't understand is you say your marriage has ended because you couldn't recover from your husband's infidelity. Having experienced this how can you then turn around and insert yourself into another woman's marriage, even if it was just for sex initially. I know OP if you just needed sex you could have done that with a single man no another woman's husband. Link to post Share on other sites
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