The narcissist came back after 5 years to break my heart again!

[chicoandthemandy]

Hello, I am new here and just want to know if it is ok if I post my experience with a man I have recently determined to be a true-blue narcissist. I won't go into the whole story, but we dated on-and-off quite seriously from 1997-2000 until he decided I was too emotional and accused me of stalking him (even getting the police involved although hours before he told me he loved me). When this guy would get cold, he would get cold and would turn into another person (or more like a robot).

 

In July of 2005, after nearly 5 years apart he came back into my life and wooed me all over again, just to break my heart on Labor Day. Over this summer, we had a lot of fun and he promised he had changed and grew and would NEVER hurt me again. I did notice that he could still be inflexible and cold, but that was only some of the time, the rest of the time he was gregarious and charming. Right before he broke up with me he gave me a little back rub but said that I was just too sensitive and better suited to being a buddy for him. There is so much more to share, but I am new and do not want to bore anyone. I am devastated because HE came back into my life and told me all these things and now is taking it all away. Yes, there were red flags, but I really thought that he had seen the light about how well I treated him.

 

My main point in joining is to be able to express this and figure out WHY I was attracted to him and to free myself so that I do not get wrapped up in HIM again. I've tried to contact him but he has treated me rudely and threatened me. I just can't let go because literally an hour before he did this to me again, he told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I feel like such an object.

 

I will not let this happen with other men (I've known some similar types) but something about this guy's sense of humor, wit and intelligence draws me to him. Although I know I would be more cautious with other men I am afraid I will be too cautious and avoid meeting any future prospects. My friends, family, therapist and doctor have all been there for me, but keep insinuating that I should just get over him. I know that my self worth is unhealthily wrapped up in him. I've survived sexual abuse and have a hard time connecting with and trusting men...now I feel like I never will. When he would complain about my sensitivity, I would tell him that it was that sensitivity and empathy that allowed me to give him a second chance. He said some awful things about the disposability of people and friends (both of his parents died young). He really doesn't look at me as someone with normal feelings yet I foolishly am drawn to him to "fix" him.

 

I get frustrated because his friends and coworkers think he is the greatest guy...I know he really is just a shell of a person. Then, I doubt myself, maybe it is me that causes him to be this way. Every other woman he has dated has been cold and distant and maybe that is all he can get because the other sensitive women are too smart for him. I have such a weird mix of emotions right now...THANKS FOR JUST LETTING ME VENT!

 

I apologize that this is so disjointed and long-winded. I just wanted to put this up here before I go to bed.

 

Mandy

[lindya]

I feel like such an object.

 

Probably because you were involved with someone who objectified you in the sort of situations where a normal human being would have related to and empathised with you.

 

something about this guy's sense of humor, wit and intelligence draws me to him.

 

Even if your IQ were 20 points higher than his, he would remain convinced that you're an intellectual pygmy trailing in his path of brilliance. That level of conviction helps people to kid onto others that they're more intelligent than they really are.

 

As for his wit and humour - people often use black humour as a means of dealing with and detaching from difficult emotions. Imagine how easy it must be for someone who's a true emotional void to continually entertain other people with the sort of dark and sarcastic humour that often is genuinely funny!

 

He said some awful things about the disposability of people and friends (both of his parents died young).

 

I wonder if somewhere deep inside you remained convinced that he didn't really mean that - and that it was further example of the extent he needed you to....

 

"fix" him.

 

 

I get frustrated because his friends and coworkers think he is the greatest guy...I know he really is just a shell of a person.

 

When people aren't themselves on the receiving end of a disordered person's crap, they'll often find that person's behaviour "eccentric and amusing". Combine that with your ex's constant desire to entertain others with his wit and humour, and you can see why others might be drawn to spending time with him.

 

If they can watch him treating a partner in the way that he treated you and still believe that he's a great guy, that's their business. Do these people really matter to you? What practical impact would it have on your life if your ex spent the rest of his life conning them with the notion that he's a great guy?

 

Every other woman he has dated has been cold and distant and maybe that is all he can get

 

Maybe the cold and distant women don't care about getting affection from him. Perhaps they also have slightly narcissistic tendencies. He could experience the excitement of infatuation with women like that, whilst knowing that he wasn't giving another human being something that they might genuinely want or need. After all, why would he want to provide anyone with the feelings of genuine happiness and contentment that he himself can't experience?

 

Maybe when he starts feeling frustrated around these women and tires of being "the one who loves", he returns to a warmer, more empathic woman (you) so that he can switch roles again and feel like the one who's on top. The most effective way for him to revive the relationship would be to give you a little bit of what you want. The fact that he said he loved you shortly before ending the relationship indicates that he's keeping his options open. He wants to sustain your belief that it's not quite over - because at some point in the future you might serve a purpose.

 

A relationship with someone like your ex can be a real learning experience, in a sense. Your warmth and empathy are what make you human...but judging from what you've said, it wouldn't do you any harm to cultivate the art of meeting other people's coldness and ruthlessness with equal doses of the same. People are funny; if you've got the ability to be ruthless when you need to be, they will often sense that without you having to demonstrate it....and you'll certainly be less likely to get targeted by emotional predators like your ex.