DebraSun Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Hi, I am very new this forum and needs advice regarding my situation. I was 19yrs old when I fell in love with my ex who was also 19yr. That relationship was emotionally fulfilling but being young and naive we used to fight a lot on little things. It was kind of a emotional roller coaster relationship. I moved to USA for doing my Master's. We used to argue over the phone too and we broke up. Then I met my husband and got married. We have a 6yr old son. My husband is a lovely man to be with but very emotionally detached and doesn't talk much. This has been the issue from the beginning. There has been days when he says only two sentences in a day. He neither gets angry nor takes any special interests in me. He does say that he loves me but that's about it. We are not physically involved from past 6yrs and he doesn't want to talk about it. We have been to couples therapy with two different counselors and they pretty much said he is not going to change much. Some people are not emotional at all. We have been married for 15yrs. I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and Fibromayalgia. He doesn't take any interest in my health issues. But financially supports me well. Now, I met my ex boyfriend online and we are having an A from past 5months. He lives in a different country and is married and has a kid. We talked and texted a lot. He is very emotional and was worried about my health. I flew to meet him and we spent 5 days in a hotel. We both wept a lot and wondered what happened to our love. He said that he would always be there for me emotionally for life. And we both are in situations where we can't take divorces. Then I came back home. Now, I am getting a feeling that he is pulling away. He says its the time difference between the two countries and work and family obligations that sometimes he can't talk for a week or 10 days. But when he does talk, he is concerned about my health and well being in general. I know this story must have happened in the forum a thousand times. But I am really confused to put up with the emotional pull and push or to let it go. I am just scared that if I let it go then the few emotional moments that I get from him won't be there and I would really be unhappy again. Also, I don't know how am I going to deal with losing him. At home my husband is the same, still emotionally detached and aloof. Please help!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Have you considered just divorcing your husband? It seems you two are not in love with one another and he is just there to provide for you financially. Can you make it on your own? This exboyfriend is just filling in the time. Realistically you two are not going to end up together in the long run, it's very very rare when both affair partners divorce their spouses, especially when kids are involved. My suggestion is, be honest with your husband, tell him how you feel and why, do counseling together to at least give your marriage another chance at working better. Turning to someone else just complicates your life and if/when your husband finds out the consequences and fallout are going to be bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DebraSun Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 Thank you whichwayisup for your advice. I have talked with my husband atleast a 100 times explaining/pleading/ while angry that he needs to talk and open up emotionally. But he never changes. Its just his nature. As per counselling I may try but not hopeful as we already did twice. But thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 I'm sure if you told him the truth, that you're "this close" to actually having an affair, he'll wake up! What you're doing now is actually harming your feelings for your husband. You're detaching more and more and putting effort into an ex instead of him. If he is still unwilling to work on things with you, then it's time to consider separation or divorce. Cheating (online or not) will not make life easier for you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Well if you've already been to marriage counseling and they said your husband isn't going to change then that means you are only with him because "financially supports me well". So you are only with him for his money. You said when you got back from visiting the OM for a week your husband was still emotionally detached and aloof. Wasn't your husband detached and aloof before you married him? I'm sure you weren't warm and fuzzy to him after just being with your OM; what do you want from your betrayed husband? Also how are you able to have sex with fibromayalgia? Isn't it too painful? Yes if OM is only now talking to you about your health issues he is losing romantic interest. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Unfortunately, you married a man who is not the man you want him to be... And now, you are disappointed because you are starting to come to terms with the fact that he is not going to change - you can't change him. That was your first big mistake. Your second big mistake was thinking that you would be able to get your emotional needs met by another man, who lives in another country and is married and has a family with another woman. That is a short term solution to a long term problem. And, not even a very good one at that... What to do? Well, you will need to make a decision about your marriage. Either you decide to stay in an unfulfilling marriage because it is in your financial best interest or you file for divorce (remember, you will get some support through child and spousal support). Then, you have another decision to make about your affair - do you continue in this push-pull dynamic or do you decide that you deserve more and try to gather the courage to go out and look for what you want (a loving relationship with a SINGLE man). Because again, don't expect your affair partner to change and decide that he is willing to leave his wife and family to be with you... that rarely happens and when it does, the chance that this relationship would survive the stress is very small. You have some tough decisions to make. There are no easy answers. Perhaps, rather than returning to marriage counselling with your husband who doesn't think there is a problem and is unwilling to change in any way... you would be wise to spend your money on individual counselling. It's time for your to discover what it is you really want and how you can go about meeting your own needs - rather than searching for it from unavailable men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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