two months after a breakup and i still dream about my ex

[paisleypanther]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm honestly so tired of feeling this way. One month after the breakup, I was feeling pretty great. I realized I was (as my ex always said when we were together) too good for him. I felt angry about how he had treated (or mistreated) me, and I was ready to move on.

 

It's a little after month two, and I'm absolutely ruined again. I think about him almost all the time. I keep having vivid memories about what touching him felt like. I think about our future together even though it will never happen. I'm also having a lot of sexual thoughts about him, and if you've seen my other threads, you probably know I'm not a very sexual person. And now, to add insult to injury, I'm even dreaming about him

 

Part of me genuinely feels like this isn't it for us. I'm not saying I want to get back together with him, but I am saying I think our paths will cross again. How I feel about that? I'm not sure. We're no contact right now, and I don't intend to break it.

 

Has anyone else had this delayed experience after a breakup? How would you recommend coping?

[Iamyoungjuan]

I’m three months in and all I can think about is my ex wife were 5 days into no contact and I’m not gonna break it either I tried everything to win her back but nothing seems to work I miss her like crazy and I also feel like we gonna end up together again someday

[paisleypanther]

I’m three months in and all I can think about is my ex wife were 5 days into no contact and I’m not gonna break it either I tried everything to win her back but nothing seems to work I miss her like crazy and I also feel like we gonna end up together again someday

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you're able to stick with NC. What I am slowly starting to realize is that, whether you're meant to be with someone or not, all you can do is become the best person you can be. Have peace knowing that what is meant to happen will happen.

 

Hope things work out for you

[Endnote]

Dreams are so weird, and at times very vivid. I'm 5 months into NC and I can tell you about 2 months ago I can recall a dream where we saw each other at a party and talked but nothing significant happened. But it was like she was right there. Last night I had a dream where we met up and she told me "look, we had a good run" and said some other things I can't recall. It was weird, but again, very vivid. And I can only recall dreaming about her in the previous dream I described.

 

 

 

Why dreams occur and their meaning is obviously something debated and studied to this day, but there's evidence to suggest their manifestations of you subconscious and unconscious mind. The craziest dream I ever had was maybe 3-4 months after my ex-wife died (we had been split up for more than a year when she passed, and I was dating my recent ex by this point, and I was over in many ways what had happened including her death), and in the dream we hashed out what happened, she apologized and told me she regretted everything. This never happened in real life, but I was so overwhelmed by that dream that I can remember the general time frame it happened and how she looked and everything.

 

 

How do I cope? I just accept that dreams only carry meaning in our minds, and do not have much value in the real world. I haven't heard a thing from my recent ex, but like anyone I miss her and the relationship, and while I continue to move on there's still plenty of pain left over to show up and manifest when I'm asleep.

 

 

 

I've seen people cross paths again after dating and get back together, become friends, etc and every situation I've ever known has failed. Some people may find a way to make it work, but my experience and the stories of good friends and family I've witnessed over time has led me to favor the idea of staying as far away from exes as possible. YMMV.

[nolanola]

I said this in my own thread, but I'm going through something similar and I'm 3 months out. I think in the early days of a breakup, you're on adrenaline. You're mad, all the information you learned or last words you said are pretty new - so you're still processing it. As some time goes by, there's no new contact or new information to process and that initial adrenaline fades a little bit. To me, this is when the reality of the situation sets in. Because now there's a vacuum. Instead of anger and yelling or crying, there's just nothing there. And I don't mean that to be depressing, just that that is my experience. And that nothing is the hardest part of it for me. Accepting that as far as I know, this person is out of my life.

 

I agree with what endnote says: dreams are a way that we try to process things that we otherwise can't or won't. Perhaps you're trying to come to terms with this person being gone from your life. Or trying to hang onto those memories.

 

I understand the feeling that things aren't over. I feel the same way. But I wonder if that's a coping mechanism too? Of course, none of us know what the future holds. I still hope that I will someday be able to talk to my first love again, even though we haven't spoken in over 10 years. I kind of wish for a "do over" with my most recent ex so I could have said things in a different way. I don't know if this will ever happen. Or if it would be a good thing for me - probably not right now.

 

I actually know several people who got back together with exes and had it work out. But all of them were apart for at least a year. No back and forth, they had moved on and found themselves back together after time. One couple took about 20 years. So I think it can happen. But, as I'm realizing for myself, the reason things didn't work with my ex was that I wanted one thing and he wanted something else and wasn't ready or willing to be emotionally available to me. That will probably not change in 3 months. So even if he were to call me tonight and want to get back together, it would probably not work for that reason.

 

I think sometimes you just have to acknowledge that things suck right now. My therapist is always telling me to be kind to myself and this is very hard for me. But I would tell you the same thing. Accept that this is where you are right now and it's part of the process of your grieving.

[paisleypanther]

But, as I'm realizing for myself, the reason things didn't work with my ex was that I wanted one thing and he wanted something else and wasn't ready or willing to be emotionally available to me. That will probably not change in 3 months. So even if he were to call me tonight and want to get back together, it would probably not work for that reason.

 

Ugh! Seriously what is up with all these emotionally unavailable guys?!!

 

I'd say my ex was also emotionally unavailable. He had a lot of baggage to sort through, but he made it pretty clear that he had no intention of doing so. Also I realized my happiness and satisfaction were pretty low on his list of priorities. And you're right. If he were to reach out to me right now, he wouldn't be any better than when we broke up. That's a hard pill for me to swallow. I'm a hopeless romantic and I always think of the sad montages in romance movies where the couple has broken up but both people still pine for each other and try to become better people. Why can't real life be like that?

 

I think sometimes you just have to acknowledge that things suck right now. My therapist is always telling me to be kind to myself and this is very hard for me. But I would tell you the same thing. Accept that this is where you are right now and it's part of the process of your grieving.

 

Thank you for the advice. I've been seeing a therapist and it's been helpful. It can seem difficult to take care of myself sometimes, especially because I feel very insecure about rejection. It's a slow process.

[nolanola]

@paisleypanther, I actually think it's a really big step in healing to be able to see that there were fundamental flaws in both the relationship and with our partners. If you are anything like me, you've already heaped judgement on yourself and gone over and over what you could have done differently or said differently. I've pinpointed a ton of things over the 4 and a half years that I've been involved with my ex. But the reality is that the reason I did a bunch of those things was because I wanted this person to love me and commit to me and he either could not or would not. So I tried to hang in there, hoping he would see that I was worthy. But he didn't. And I don't think it was because there was some huge issue with me. That is both comforting and sad at the same time.

 

I have hope for everybody to change and to improve themselves (Goodness knows I'm trying to!!) but I think it takes a really long time. And people don't always change the ways that we want them to either.

 

Hugs to you. I know how much this sucks.

[paisleypanther]

@nolanola I understand where you were coming from. After my relationship ended, I was so disillusioned that I was convinced everything was my fault. I had always felt like my role was to protect my ex from his inner demons and past trauma, and I felt like a failure after he dumped me. But in the end, I realized I couldn't protect him from his own destructive tendencies or anything else. That's just something he's gonna have to deal with on his own.

 

Thank you so much for your advice and support!!

[paisleypanther]

So for anyone who wants to read up my previous post about this breakup:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/674107-trouble-coping-after-losing-ex-friends

 

I’m back to university and keeping busy has been helpful, but lately I feel like I’ve been going crazy. Everything seems to remind me of him. I was at a concert last night and I almost started crying because I thought he would have liked the bands playing. In one of my classes, a required reading is a book that he gave to me after I had surgery. And it’s not just that. Almost everything in my room reminds me of him. I look at my artwork and I remember excitedly showing it to him. I see a stuffed animal on my bed and I think of when I bought it while on a date with him. Even the stupidly cute penguins on my paper towels remind me of him (penguins are one of his favorite animals). It’s so frustrating. I can’t even listen to the music I used to listen to because we liked the same bands. Listening to them makes me panicky whether I want it to or not. And now there’s the dreams….

 


After the concert I went to a party and I was drinking a lot, having a great time with friends. Later I was hanging out with some people in a dorm room and I started crying about my ex. Not my best moment, but I’m at least proud of drunk me for not breaking no-contact. After, I had a really vivid dream that I saw my ex and we embraced. After we broke apart, he said something about it being “too much.” But then we just did it again. I woke up empty and very sad. I feel so tormented by my memories and the things I associate with him.

 

I know in the first thread I posted about my ex, I definitely still romanticized him. Now, I don’t think he’s a very good person. One time, when we were still romantically involved, he accused me of being desperate. Another time, I expressed my concern about him being friends with his ex. It would make sense if they were childhood friends, but she’s someone he met in community college, dated for a month, then they broke up and now they’re “best friends.” I said I wanted to meet her because I was concerned there was something going on between them. He didn’t try to assure me that nothing was happening, he just challenged me by saying “How would you even know there was something going on between us.” After I met her, he texted me saying she thought I wasn’t very nice. Good for her.

 

He also would gaslight me, stonewall, and pretty much use every other emotional abuse tactic in the book.

 

It doesn’t make sense that I’d miss him so much. I’m feeling a cocktail of emotions. Part of me is still genuinely in love with him (and really sexually attracted to him). Another part of me feels betrayed and rejected. And another part of me is absolutely furious that he never confessed to his friends about how he mistreated me, and probably just brushed the breakup off by saying I was crazy. The way he treated me was enough to make anyone crazy!!

 

I guess, long story short, I’m feel very rejected and betrayed by someone I’m still in love with. I feel ripped-off, bamboozled, etc. Everyone always tells me I was too good for him (hell, HE even said that), but it just makes me feel worse. Knowing I’m head-over-heels for someone who isn’t worth my time feels so much worse than liking someone who is too good for me. There were a lot of guys I could have chosen to date, but I chose him. Not because he was too good or not good enough. I chose him because I really liked him, regardless of what others thought about him. Maybe that was a bad idea.

 

Part of me keeps trying to reason with myself. I’m a committed person who cares deeply about others and I try to project that onto him. I try to say he truly did love me. That he truly meant it when he said he wanted to go gray with me. But the other half of me just doesn’t know. I think I’m scared I’m still in love with a monster. And it’s so defeating when I’m having an okay day and I break down crying or I have a dream about us doing things we haven’t done for months. If he texted me right now, I don’t know what I’d do. I feel like I’d completely cave in and forgive him.

 

As usual, I have no idea what to do. I could really use some perspective that isn’t just “he’s not good enough for you.” I’ve already been going to therapy and all that jazz.

[nolanola]

I struggle so much with everything you talk about. I feel SO rejected in my situation and start to question everything about my ex. Did it mean nothing when you held me for so long when we said goodbye in my hotel room? Were you just jerking my chain when you were checking up on me after my surgery, knowing you were already seeing someone else? Did you ever care about me the way I thought you did? It's so hard to deal with. I completely understand and there is something so comforting about knowing that someone else feels the same way.

 

But I'm trying to ask myself, instead of focusing on what he is or isn't doing: is what he is doing (or was doing) good enough? I deserve someone that knows they want to be with me. Not someone that will feel it one day and then go silent for weeks. Someone that will be proud to bring me into his life, not someone who won't want to introduce me to his children. I don't think my ex is a monster and I don't think yours is either. Even abusers have good qualities sometimes. But it's not good enough for us. Being good to you 50% of the time isn't good enough. He needs to be good to you all the time. No man is perfect, but a man that loves you won't hurt you intentionally and if he does unintentionally hurt you, will make sure he makes it up to you.

 

I do think my ex cared about me in the way that he could. He is a flawed person that has issues. I think your ex cared about you too, but it sounds like he also has issues he needs to work on. That is his path. He has to figure that out on his own. There is probably a part of him that knows he hurt you and that that was wrong. I feel like my ex probably knows this too. Whether he has acknowledged this or not, I think our exes know it.

 

Focus on what you deserve when you start to miss your ex. I made a list of the bad qualities of my ex and how he made me feel when he would go cold or pull away. I can't tell you how many times I cried because I didn't understand why he was acting how he was acting. I have to think of those times at the same time as the times that I mentioned above when I felt that he loved me. Because they are as much a part of that relationship as all the wonderful times. I suspect, if you are honest with yourself, you can come up with a list of similar things with your ex and it might help you to do it. I put my ex on a pedestal too and he doesn't belong there. In the end he was a coward and broke my heart.

 

Hugs to you. It sucks. I know how much it does.

[The Dude Abides]

Hello everyone,

 

 

Has anyone else had this delayed experience after a breakup? How would you recommend coping?

 

 

Hello Paisley Panther

 

In my case, I recently started dreaming (bad dreams, some were definitely nightmares) about my ex wife . These dreams are nearly 30 years after the events in the dreams ( !!!!! ). It’s a long story about what precipitated the recent cycle of dreaming, but essentially I had suppressed nearly every memory and virtually never talked about what had happened between the two of us. There was a lot of abuse , of all sorts, manipulation, infidelity, and so on. I was embarrassed , ashamed and not willing to tell anyone about what had happened to me. So, off it went into deep storage way back in the attic of the brain.

 

I did something I never thought I would do: I started weekly visits to a psychologist and have gotten up the nerve to divulge all the gory details about what happened. This was very hard to do, especially the stuff about the assaults. After about ten visits and a lot of discussion and outside reading, I have improved tremendously and now have very little dreaming activity about the ex.

 

Your situation might not mirror much of my (former) situation, but it sure sounds like you are greatly affected and I hope you will consider talking to a good psychologist.

[paisleypanther]

I don't think my ex is a monster and I don't think yours is either. Even abusers have good qualities sometimes. But it's not good enough for us. Being good to you 50% of the time isn't good enough. He needs to be good to you all the time. No man is perfect, but a man that loves you won't hurt you intentionally and if he does unintentionally hurt you, will make sure he makes it up to you.

 

You're so right. I've been telling myself this for a while now and it really helps. I also realized that when I start thinking "but I deserve someone like him because I'm not good enough," it means I gotta take a hard look at my self-esteem. I agree that my ex cared about me as much as he was capable of. But like you also said, that isn't good enough. After posting the update I remembered a time where we were at a party and he was pretty drunk and he was getting touchy with me (which was okay) but then he wanted to go heavy PDA and I stopped him. He called me a "dumb b****." I was shocked at the time. Haven't thought about it until now. I've been trying to recall all the awful things he did to me so I'll want nothing to do with him.

 

On the other side of the coin, I've also been trying to make a list of qualities I'd want in a partner so that I have something to reference if I start liking another toxic person. If you haven't done so yet, I'd recommend you try that as well!

 

Thank you for all your responses btw, they've been very helpful and understanding. I'm sorry you had to go through something similar.

[paisleypanther]

I did something I never thought I would do: I started weekly visits to a psychologist and have gotten up the nerve to divulge all the gory details about what happened. This was very hard to do, especially the stuff about the assaults. After about ten visits and a lot of discussion and outside reading, I have improved tremendously and now have very little dreaming activity about the ex.

 

Your situation might not mirror much of my (former) situation, but it sure sounds like you are greatly affected and I hope you will consider talking to a good psychologist.

 

Thank you for the response,

 

I'm sorry about what you've gone through. That sounds awful. I haven't experienced anything that intense, but I understand the feeling of repressing memories out of shame. I was so scared to tell anyone about how he treated me because I didn't want them to think I was weak or a coward for putting up with it.

 

I've also been going to therapy, and it has been helping me a lot. I haven't been back to my therapist since this whole thing has been going on, but I think I'm gonna see him this week. I'm glad therapy has been helpful for you. It makes me happy to know there are people healing from harmful events they have experienced.