Michael1978 Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 So, I have a couple of threads in here from my more down and erratic times. In short - ex dumped me, we are adults, I was moody and suffering depression, never got help and was a bit of a dick. I expected the internet to back me and I got a lot of reality slaps... I went full no contact after some erratic behaviour from her at Christmas, I needed to do it for myself. Us being around each other wasn’t good for either of us. We work in the same office so I flip flopped my leave to completely miss being in her sight. We only had one interaction during NC and she seemed sad. I didn’t buy into it. She started doing things to stay in my periphery, which I read in to but still didn’t act on... You know what I did? I got my s### together. Hit up exercise, new hobbies, started as a speaker on mental health and a mentor to school kids at risk. I also have transformed my body into a bit of a beast! Opportunities opening up everywhere. I’ve even saved a couple of relationships! So I finished NC by wishing my ex partners son luck in a basketball tournament (he plays on the representative side for our town). That opened the floodgates. We messaged for three days and I did my best to keep it nonchalant. She was sending pics of the kids, of her accommodation, asking about me and telling me I should drop into a game if I can make it. She wished me luck for my gig. Then asked about a broken phone and where to get it fixed. Hell, she even tried to call me and did on Monday. We spoke for 15 minutes. The messaging has died off, hers are a bit less “excited” and I’ve been pretty funny yet not implying that I want anything (because I am not sure if I do, but of course I do!) Any tips for steering this towards a reconciliation? I’m going slow and steady. No expectations because I don’t wanna I do my hard work. I’ll continue to train my arse off and be the best version of myself, but I am wondering if I’ve used all my “tricks” when we first got together!?! You know, those things that lit the spark in the first place. I’m going to sit down and wrote out my game plan for what to say, when to say it, conversation points that connect to that, etc... Cheers! (From a much happier lad) Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 If you have a new hobby which she might enjoy, invite her to partake in it. Highlight the new in you. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Keep the lines of communication open. See if she is willing to go on a date. Send her a thoughtful respectful card about love not sex on Valentine's Day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael1978 Posted February 5, 2019 Author Share Posted February 5, 2019 Keep the lines of communication open. See if she is willing to go on a date. Send her a thoughtful respectful card about love not sex on Valentine's Day. Cheers mate! Hey, I'm 40 and she's 44 - It's always gonna be about love! Funnily enough, I was just doing my thing and now I am all in the air! Bloody women! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 I'm serious. Send the lovely dovey card but not too over the top. I prefer the funny ones but my husband always gets me the sappy ones. I gave him a funny /silly one once early on & he looked so crestfallen. I never did that again . . . saccharine-y sweet all the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael1978 Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 I am trying to work it out! It seems the pressure is on. The messaging isn't flowing now she's back to her regular life. We also see each other daily. We spoke today as I pulled a bit of a prank on her (nothing rugged, she's lost her voice so I put a print out of sign language on her desk). She smiled and seemed bouncy when we joked about it at lunch, but she didn't really hang around me. Question is - I want to suggest catching up. But I have the fear of rejection and it knocking my confidence around! Link to post Share on other sites
Occitanie Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 If she dumped you, and you want her back, I would seriously consider waiting till she gets in touch with you. Then you can invite her over to make dinner together. Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 1. ex dumped me, we are adults 2. I went full no contact after some erratic behaviour from her at Christmas 3. We only had one interaction during NC and she seemed sad. I didn’t buy into it. 4. You know what I did? I got my s### together. 5. We messaged for three days and I did my best to keep it nonchalant. 6. The messaging has died off, hers are a bit less “excited” and I’ve been pretty funny yet not implying that I want anything (because I am not sure if I do, but of course I do!) [sigh] I cringe at the term "went full no contact" as if it is a thing, or a noun, or a weapon, or some kind of military maneuver. It is just common sense thing in that if you get dumped by someone you are going to be then spending time with friends or someone else you are trying to get a date with, so they are the ones you are contacting, you have no point in contacting the ex,...so you don't contact the ex. It is just like getting fired from a job and you don't keep calling your old boss everyday. So onto to points I pulled from your message. 1. & 2. Ok, it happens 3. What is "I didn't buy it" all about? It is not a confrontation. She was sad. Chicks get sad. It happens. There is nothing to "buy". 4. Good 5. Screwed up here. When the ex who dumps you reaches out and you want to get back with them,...you attempt to set a date. Simple as that. You blew it. 6. She tapered off and is less excited because you blew it in #5. Any tips for steering this towards a reconciliation? Not anymore. I’m going slow and steady.No, at this point you are steadily going nowhere. I’m going to sit down and wrote out my game plan for what to say, when to say it, conversation points that connect to that, etc...Don't know what coach taught you that, but they are wrong. The ex is never going to call you and say, "Ok, let's have that conversation you've been practicing for, so you can negotiate me into getting back together with you". What the ex does is contact you and says, "Hey, what's up?" You say, "Doing great! Let's get together Friday night at Joe's Burgers at 6:00pm". If the ex declines you say, "It was nice talking to you gain, maybe another time,...by" If the ex contacts you again do the same thing until they either accept or they stop contacting you. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 What do you do? Nothing! She's made it clear she isn't interested in getting back with you- multiple times, and yet here you are asking about how to "steer her toward reconciliation". You're making it all about what you want, not what she wants. She ain't a car she ain't a boat, there's no steering wheel, she's a living breathing person with thoughts and feelings of her own and she doesn't feel like she wants to be with you. Could it change? possibly, probably not, but until and unless she shows any interest, just leave her alone. There are so many posts on this forum just like yours, they all say the same thing more or less. She dumped me, she doesn't show any interested in getting back together but I want to so how do I do it? Its a total disregard for what the other person has clearly and unequivocally stated but the dumpee can't take no for an answer. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Backing off completely is your best bet. The only other thing you can do is show your hand, but she'll most certainly reject you. Link to post Share on other sites
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