Introverts problems..

[Ladybug1982]

I am a introvert and a homebody. There are slim to none occasions where i am in a situation to make a friend . and its no doubt impossible to try to date. Ive tried several online dating sites. Things seem to go well when i find a match but it quickly fades once they find out im not ready to meet right away. Call me crazy but id like to chat a while and find some common ground before meeting. Seems guys immediately want to exchange numbers within 5 minutes of meetings and im uncomfortable with that. I also dont feel comfortable meeting right away.. Is this always going to hender me from meeting someone? Should i step out of my comfort zone and just do what everyone else does? Im very old fashioned and would like to take things slow.. I know i should put myself in more social situations to make friends but as it stands i just dont go out much. I work from home also.. Ive tried online forums also...im just plain out of ideas.. Im not really pushing to date anyone but i would like to make a few friend to talk with. Maybe even go on a outing with .. Any suggestions

[Juha]

Here is the issue with online dating and you wanting to just message back and forth for a while before you feel comfortable.

 

Your reasons are very valid so you feel comfortable, unfortunately there are many people online who message back and forth who just want attention and they will never exchange numbers to talk on the phone or agree to meet, they just want to talk online.

 

Because of this moving to the phone weeds out those people quickly so you do not waste your time with them. When I was on some dating sites I did the same thing. Anyone who would not move off the site was a time waster and not considered serious.

 

That is what you are running into, people think you are a time waster and not serious. You will have to move off the site to your phone and even meet up quickly or no one will bother with you because of the crappy people that are encountered online dating..

 

Move out of your comfort zone a little and meet for a coffee out in public with someone who strikes your fancy. Talking in person is the best way to get to know someone...

 

I wish you the best

[salparadise]

Call me crazy but id like to chat a while and find some common ground before meeting. Seems guys immediately want to exchange numbers within 5 minutes of meetings and im uncomfortable with that. I also dont feel comfortable meeting right away.. Is this always going to hender me from meeting someone? Should i step out of my comfort zone and just do what everyone else does?

 

Ladybug, I think you are going to have to step out of your comfort zone to make it work. I am an introvert too, and I have no problem talking, texting and meeting new people online. There is a big difference between being an introvert and being extremely reticent.

 

You need to look at if from a man's perspective too. No one knows if it will ultimately work out or not, but the way you figure that out is by talking on the phone and going on a date. Men who've been online dating have learned not to waste valuable time on people who are unwilling to meet them half way, because investing a lot of time doesn't increase the odds. In fact, if a woman proves to be standoffish we'll assume (and usually correctly) that the payoff just isn't there. We're looking for enthusiasm, engagement, gregariousness. That's just the nature of it. There are plenty of women who do reciprocate the enthusiasm, so it's a lot easier to just move on to one of those than keep spending precious time and energy on someone who won't play ball.

 

I realize this is against your nature, but there are no tricks. You either get into the game or sit on the sidelines and watch. You aren't alone though––I've run into quite a few who insisted on developing a relationship via messaging on the app before meeting. I've also invested the time (long time ago) and finally convinced the woman to go on a couple of dates. But the reticence wasn't limited to early talking and meeting. It all ended up being a total wasted of time. Lesson learned. You're just going to have to put yourself out there or keep sitting at home wishing you had some human interaction in your life.

 

I thought it was particularly revealing that you said, "maybe even go on a outing with." Sweetie, going on an outing is not the endgame. We're looking for a relationship, sex, and a reliable, reciprocal partner to enhance our life. Have you considered therapy to overcome your resistance to being social?

Edited February 5, 2019 by salparadise

[Ladybug1982]

Thanks for the advice guys... Actually i am quite the social butterfly once im comfortable with someone. I do intend on moving from the app to phone conversation quickly. Just not within the first ten minutes of the chat. What i meant was guys say hello and ask to exchange numbers all in one sentence. I atleast would like to know their name and what they are looking for.. Im really not that anti social. I just have limited interactions with others since im home so much. And i fear going out alone.. Im all for having a few dates. Just finding it hard to get to that point

[edgygirl]

When I used online dating in the past I’d take at least a couple of weeks to agree to go on a date. Sometimes even longer. Like you I wanted to know first if there was chemistry and common interests. But...

 

After a lot of experience I realized that’s a waste of time. You get excited about someone for weeks (of course we’re usually projecting) just to realize when you finally meet them that there zero chemistry. It’s exhausting.

 

I completely changed my mind. I now expect that men suggest a date at least within 2-3 days of messaging. If they don’t, I get turned off and move on. I prefer to know sooner than later if there’s chemistry, and the only way to know is live. Of course your point is valid - if there’s no info on their profile about what they’re looking for, it’s fair to tell them you prefer a little more messaging before agreeing to a date. That’s what I do.

 

I’m an extrovert but also prefer first dates in a place I’m comfy at, so I always book dates within 3 blocks from my place. Men are fine commuting for a first date.

[chillii]

l don't see a problem taking your time at all. When l was on one a few girls said on their page l'd like to email and get to know you a little first.

l met a few like that too l actually respect it.

l've told a few guys on ls to get the one they've asked about on the damn phone but that was more just their personal situation, not always the case.

 

 

l'd also briefly explain on your page what you said here, homebody fairly introvert ,whatever.

l saw things like that quite a bit too , right guy it wouldn't matter .

Personally l think it's a good thing she's being honest up front about herself ,

lt'll cut the numbers down but so what that's a good thing.

 

 

Anyway good luck

[anika99]

Nothing wrong with taking things slow but you have to remember that the first meeting is not some kind of big date. It's just a greeting to see if there is mutual attraction. It's like if you randomly met some guy in real life. If he tried to chat with you a little bit would you say "omg, this is too fast for me, go home and text me instead". Finding a partner always starts with a casual meeting, either by fate or by design, anything before that meeting doesn't count because as someone else said real life is much different than online chat. Not saying you should agree to meet with everyone, you can still be choosy but don't drag out the online chatting too long.

[LauraXX]

I completely agree with Anika99 above. t feels like meeting somebody you just met on a dating app is a big deal, but it really isn't. I had to change my mindset about that as well. Doesn't have to be a huge official date, but you can just meet for a cup of coffee. Still lots of time to get to know each other properly when the chemistry is there

[Penguin_hugs]

I've posted about this a few times before- but I'm also quite introverted- and when I used OLD it got really disheartening. I'd have a few week buildup of messaging someone til I was comfortable- eventually a coffee date would happen and then that would be the end. People were never the same in person, there was nothing there or just they would tell me that we weren't suited at all.

 

It felt like such a waste of the time I invested in contacting people. I decided in a moment of madness to throw myself out there for Speed Dating. Cuts out all the messaging time and you know instantly with a conversation whether you like someone or not.

 

I had a great time- met some other girls there alone, made some new friends- who I still see. And it was such a boost chatting with people in an environment where people were just there to chat. It really helped my confidence with dating as I felt like I was attractive and people were interested. Out of the 15 dates I had that night, I had 11 people tick me! I was very shocked. I'd been single/ struggling with rubbish dates for 2 years at that point.

 

I also met my now BF there. And we have been together over a year. So it can indeed work. You just have to push yourself to go. I nearly backed out so many times but it was so worth it.

[chillii]

Wth , was that a misprint , 15 dates in one night?

 

Anyway yeah l agree the time thing spent messaging and with whom can also be a really hard call.

Back when , there was one chick lived 3hours away and it took us a couple of weeks to meet. But we kept at because she looked and sounded very special and exactly what l'd like . ln the last week and a bit of that we were calling a lot and got along so well too.

Finally , we meet. She was nice a real cutey , but in 2 seconds l also knew just not for me, after all that.

So it was like a 2 1/2 week drawn out major let down.

Soooo, ya can't win either which way it's still a tricky business anyway.

Edited February 5, 2019 by chillii

[Penguin_hugs]

It was speed dating. Each date was 4 minutes long. So yes 15 dates in one evening.

 

I paid £15 to attend the evening- every 4 mins a bell rigs and the guys all move around tables to chat with a different girl for 4 mins. You put ticks next to the name of people you would meet with again and contact details are exchanged. It was probably more dates than I would have in a year all at once. And at least a third of people there would have been typical people I would date.

 

My BF's housemate was there too- and he ended up with a string of dates from the evening and a friend of mine went to another one in a different city and had a massively positive experience. She has real anxiety and dating issues- but she said it was such a confidence boost going- and she's about to move in with her BF that she met there!

[PRW]

Forget the online dating nonsense. Build a social life, then you meet guys while out participating in your social life. Building the social life is what gives you the strength to progress to dating. You have to walk before you can run,...dating is running,...social life is walking.

 

There are too many creeps and odd people with the online stuff and it is already difficult for people who are skilled and on their game with dating and know how to navigate it. I think it would be a mess for you.

 

In my online profiles I put right in there that I will try to meet after just a few messages. I am not there to find a pen-pal. It is also a test against the other person,...if they can't handle it, are too "fearful", then I don't want to mess with them because their fear and insecurity will just be an ongoing problem.

 

Also introverted does not mean shy. Introversion is a personality type,...shy is a learned behavor. Shy can be, and should be, unlearned/fixed. Introversion means that you are drained by being around and interacting with people and have to "recharge" by being alone,...but while they are interacting with others they interact just like everyone else does. They are not "shy" about it.

[d0nnivain]

What do you do to socialize in the real world, off line, when you are not working? Use those activities to meet people.

[Ladybug1982]

@prw... I am definitely introverted. Being around people absolutely does drain me.. Even at home i have a roommate. After a few minutes of chatting in the living area i must return to my room. It can be a bit much for me just to converse. Its much worse after ive been in a social setting.. Its emotionally draining for sure.. I have long periods of being alone before i am able to work up the nerve to put myself in that situation again. I absolutely cant be in social setting very long.. Its so bad that i have panic attacks.

[chillii]

Yeah right , l'm about 60% of that extreme but it's just about finding similar and like minded in your partner , never ever been a problem.

There's all kinds of people out there just don't kid your self trying to fit square pegs into round holes.The change might be a buzz for awhile but sooner or later who you really are has to be.

 

So if you do use online this is why l don't see any harm whatsoever in calling it how it is on your page.

The right people are gonna be looking for attracted to it and the rest don't matter.

Anyway , good luck.

Edited February 7, 2019 by chillii

[guest569]

I am not there to find a pen-pal.

 

Neither am I. But I have many matches and I am not going to meet them all. Sending a few messages is just as telling as meeting for a drink and having a brief conversation, except you potentially waste a lot of time, money, makeup etc. I understand that the opposite can occur if you spent extensive amounts of time messaging, and then don't click in person. But OP is talking about guys who want to meet after 5 minutes of the first message, or exchange numbers instantly. I just don't see the logic in doing that. They are trying to pin her down. When guys get mad about this they appear desperate, impatient and bitter, and have unfair expectations on complete strangers.

 

Nothing wrong with exchanging a few messages before deciding to meet. My first boyfriend and I exchanged really awesome messages for a couple of weeks before meeting up, and it made our first dates a lot better because we knew what to talk about. I would rather match with a guy who has a teaspoon of patience and standards, than one who would just marry the first pretty face on Tinder. I have found many men who are willing to chat and get to know what you're about before meeting, I think you just need to drop the impatient ones and not waste any time or thought on them. I think it can be a powerful tool for introverts.. How long have you been trying online? Have you tried the bumble BFF thing?

 

Also introverted does not mean shy. Introversion is a personality type,...shy is a learned behavor. Shy can be, and should be, unlearned/fixed. Introversion means that you are drained by being around and interacting with people and have to "recharge" by being alone,...but while they are interacting with others they interact just like everyone else does. They are not "shy" about it.

 

I'm not sure what point you're trying to make here as no-one mentioned shyness and pretty sure most people know these definitions. Do you think OP is shy?

[PRW]

I'm not sure what point you're trying to make here as no-one mentioned shyness and pretty sure most people know these definitions. Do you think OP is shy?

No. Most people don't know the definitions. Most of the time people think the two terms mean the same thing. I wasn't defining the OP either way. I was clarifying the terms to find out what the OP really is.

[PRW]

@prw... I am definitely introverted. Being around people absolutely does drain me.. Even at home i have a roommate. After a few minutes of chatting in the living area i must return to my room. It can be a bit much for me just to converse. Its much worse after ive been in a social setting.. Its emotionally draining for sure.. I have long periods of being alone before i am able to work up the nerve to put myself in that situation again. I absolutely cant be in social setting very long.. Its so bad that i have panic attacks.

I used to have it pretty rough too. But it is like a muscle,...you keep exercising it,...it gets stronger. You keep pushing yourself out there and it will get easier. Extroverts have the flip side of the same problem,...they have to struggle to have the strength to be alone, it is just as difficult a problem.

[Gretchen12]

Ladybug, I'm gonna give you advice you didn't ask for. I think you should make some girl friends before you date. If you already have some girl friends, you need more, ones that will get you out of the house. I'm an introvert too, but you seem isolated.

People who are isolated have a really rough time dating, esp. online dating. That's because he should not be your only social outlet. When he doesn't call you, you're gonna want a girlfriend to talk and hang out with. You can't come to LS to talk. If you are isolated you become dependent on the boyfriend, that's why controlling men want women who are isolated.

Find a good buddy and go out. Need not go to a crowded place, just enjoy nature or culture. It's good for you. Now I sound like a mother.

[PRW]

If you are isolated you become dependent on the boyfriend, that's why controlling men want women who are isolated.

Awesome observation. I've seen that a lot. I've seen these guys go to great lengths to isolate the girl from everyone else once they think the have her. One guy that I have in mind from the past was very fearful, distrustful, clingy, and very clearly "sneaky". He always tried to get her away from everyone else as much as possible.

[caveman621]

I'm just going to be redundant here. When I was using OLD, I preferred to meet in person within a couple of days. If I was chatting with someone who wanted to message for a long time without meeting that was a red flag that maybe they were only looking for a "pen pal" or were in some other way insincere about wanting to date. And I heard this complaint from a lot of women I talked to. I met my wife through OLD and she said a lot of guys would chat and chat and chat and never want to meet which she didn't like.

[guest569]

I'm just going to be redundant here. When I was using OLD, I preferred to meet in person within a couple of days. If I was chatting with someone who wanted to message for a long time without meeting that was a red flag that maybe they were only looking for a "pen pal" or were in some other way insincere about wanting to date. And I heard this complaint from a lot of women I talked to. I met my wife through OLD and she said a lot of guys would chat and chat and chat and never want to meet which she didn't like.

 

What do you think is a “long time”? 3 days?

[PRW]

What do you think is a “long time”? 3 days?

The last one I dealt with in Tinder I made the initial "reach out" and asked what area she lived in (so I'd know where to make the date), she responded later that day. My second message I offered the date for a specific time/day/place. I left some flexibility in that I offered two possible days. She replied and said which day was best for her. I replied and made the date official and left her my cell for any further contact if she needed to. So 3 messages from me, 3 replies from her,...done.

[guest569]

Very insightful.

[Rayce]

I am not an introvert but I also am mostly a homebody. I love being at home and find it really hard to get out and about sometimes. I found the one thing that has helped me the most was joining a gym and making a regular schedule out of it. It has done wonders for me and now that I have been doing it for a couple of years my social circle has also expanded. I've made several new friends...both male and female.