How does one survive?

[Blue Chilli]

I'll condense my story to make this less of a chore but I guess it might still be long, sorry...

 

So 11 years ago (after being married for 10 years with a 2 yr old daughter) husband number 1 died in an accident. I assumed that part of my life was over then 2 years later I stumbled across a man that became husband number 2.

 

So we met, fell in love, married, had another child. We had the best relationship I've ever had, or even imagined... for about 4 years.

 

Then he had a depressive crash around 5 years ago, we were still close then and I did what I could to help him. Over that period of recovery I never quite felt we were back to normal and I wasn't convinced he was properly well but he kept saying it would just take time.

 

Then about 12 months after the 1st crash the 2nd one came. Even more dark, dangerous and violent than the first. I don't mean physically but he became a different man for around 2-3 months. he couldn't give a **** about me, was speaking to another woman online (he never planned to meet her) basically I was pushed aside for a world of fantasy that he didn't even actually want.

 

So, I tell him I'm done and he jumps back in. Fantasy life gets binned and we commence the difficult journey of counselling and attempting to 'come back' from it.

 

Efforts were made, but again - I never really felt we got back on track, never really felt like he came back to me emotionally. Over the past year especially I've felt him prioritising everything else, putting his energy into going to the gym (4-5 times per week, 2-3 hours/session often more plus running) there was never any energy for me.

 

I kept challenging him on it - not to try and stop him going to the gym just saying come on - direct some of that into us? it's been ongoing.

 

It's all come to a big head now. He says he loves me but 'can't invest in our relationship the way I need him to and doesn't want to change how he lives his life'

 

So there it is. He's chosen the gym over me - I'm not sure if I should be grateful or not that it isn't a person, and anyway I never asked him not to live this way only to show me some of the same commitment.

 

My belief is that he has again - like 4 years ago - allowed himself to be immersed in a world to escape the real one. Only this time it's a socially acceptable one - the gym. He still works and is around for the kids but seriously it's the only thing that holds his attention, certainly had nothing left for me.

 

I think maybe he does still love me, maybe he still has issues, but I've realised that if he isn't going to fix them then I can't keep waiting and struggling with him. Our only route now is to separate. I have resisted I have asked for a trial separation and trying to work on our issues but he has disagreed so it's now out of my hands.

 

Unfortunately we can't do this properly yet and he'll have to stay here (the house is mine) for probably a year. I've spent time this past couple of days rearranging everything, creating spaces for us. we are doing this to ensure he can afford to live nearby when he leaves for access to our children.

 

The point of all this is - I love this guy. Like really... If I thought he was still fighting, no matter how hard it is I'd have fought forever for us. But he has let me go and I must find my way whilst he lives in another room.

 

My heart is broken in ways I never knew it could break. I'm obviously not complicating things by asking to be held but I would kill to be near him. It's really early days I know and I've kept busy with all the re-arranging. Tomorrow my new bed arrives... I have the most amazing group of buddies and I'm very lucky to have that support - I feel ungrateful for saying I still feel so lonely - because I want my husband. I miss him.

 

Of course the truth is I've been missing him for years but I always had the hope he would find his way back to me emotionally and I always had 'some' of him, but he's obviously chosen now that he won't ever properly come back.

 

How the hell do I get over this?

 

please. give me some glimmer of hope.

[Orokotikki]

First of all, if he is living under the same roof, kick him out ASAP. Secondly have no further contact of any kind with him.

Sorry for your pain, but there are other kinder, genuine men out there.

Give yourself time to heal (but not time to dilly dally in regards to kicking him out).

[chryssy83]

Yeah I think living together for a year sounds unreasonably difficult. I live alone now but for a couple of months my husband (now separated and divorcing) and I lived together in our house and it was awful. And we had a super huge house to live in but it was still crappy. Honestly, I get why you want to do it...it was my idea when we did. But it wasn’t worth how crappy it made me feel and if your husband is the one who wants to leave, let him find a place to crash. Maybe someone he met at the gym has a couch free.

[Mr. Lucky]

So there it is. He's chosen the gym over me - I'm not sure if I should be grateful or not that it isn't a person, and anyway I never asked him not to live this way only to show me some of the same commitment.

 

My belief is that he has again - like 4 years ago - allowed himself to be immersed in a world to escape the real one. Only this time it's a socially acceptable one - the gym. He still works and is around for the kids but seriously it's the only thing that holds his attention, certainly had nothing left for me.

 

Blue Chilli, I'm going to guess he's doing something at the gym other than lifting weights. Given his previous tendencies, chances are good he's looked elsewhere for companionship - and found it.

 

Look at the top this forum for "Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce" and, in there, the "180". It's a guide for living with a spouse who's checked out, trying to wake them up enough to see you're moving on with your life also.

 

Sorry this has happened to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blue Chilli]

My instincts are generally pretty good, 4 years ago I knew he was going to do something before he did it. I really think he *is* at the gym. He has the changing body to prove it. I think he's addicted, and even if he isn't I never minded him going - just that all his energy goes there and not here.

 

None of that really matters now in the sense that he's told me he can't give me what I want in this marriage and I'm not prepared to settle for the half measure.

 

Living apart isn't really an option for either of us financially, this will set us both up better. This house is mine I know but as I changed my career recently and I'm trying to build a business I may have to sell if he moves out soon. I'm not against that and if I need to I will, but if we can make this work for the both of us then ultimately I won't have to sell, he'll be able to afford something nearby, and the kids win - which is my main concern now over myself.

 

Obviously I can't have NC with kids too, but it is being kept low and once I get our spaces properly sorted that can be even less.

 

I'll have a look at the reading post about the 180, thankyou. I've heard of this before and I know I'm doing some of this already but it won't hurt to remind myself of it.

 

I'm seeing a counsellor next week, so I'm hoping she can help me with my current overwhelm.

[elaine567]

My guess he is not "choosing" the gym, he is choosing mental stability.

I guess without the gym he will crumble or he believes he will crumble, so he has no room in his life for you or anything else.

[Blue Chilli]

you may be right, but if that were the case he could talk to me. We could have tried to navigate a path, if he'd saught help, and I would have helped him as I've always tried to do. The thing is I've never said he shouldn't be at the gym, only that his energy was never here and only ever there.

 

if what you've said is true then presumably he's not capable of being in a relationship, but the reality of it is, none of it really matters now.

 

He doesn't want me, and so I need to find my way through the next year without ending up insane.

[Mr. Lucky]

My instincts are generally pretty good

 

Said every cheated on spouse ever. Just keep your eyes open, it may explain some things down the road...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blue Chilli]

yeah, well I did know last time, I accept i could be wrong this time but I've no reason to think so. If it transpires to be true then I'll deal with those thoughts on top of these ones at the time, I'm not adding them into the current **** storm that is my mind without reason.

 

I'm really just wanting to know how to cope with the overwhelm I feel just now, the pain and rejection. Woe is me.. I'm sounding like such a helpless idiot, but I'm not...

 

I'm strong and resourceful. I have several ways of making enough money to get by, and most of the practical stuff gets done by me anyway. I'm an ex engineer. As he was at work yesterday when I continued sorting our spaces, and I'm pretty stubborn I dismantled and moved the sofa myself and have built my new day bed entirely single handedly. (hemnes day bed with 3 drawers from Ikea if anyone is interested) I do love having a thing that suggests it's a 2 person assembly and managing it single handedly. Small triumphs but helps my state of mind.

 

Practically, financially (other than short term) I really don't need anyone. But still, I miss him. I need to get over that.

[Mr. Lucky]

But still, I miss him. I need to get over that.

 

Wish that part was as simple as assembling Ikea furniture. My ex-wife cheated on me, I was happy to be divorced, but still spent some time missing her and the life we'd created with our son.

 

I'm afraid most of the answers are cliches - stay busy with work and friends, get plenty of exercise and avoid tequila therapy and rebound relationships. Time is really the only cure...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chryssy83]

If your figure out the secret let me know...I think living apart would help you and that keeping busy is essential. I don’t really believe your husband is forgoing a relationship with you in exchange for work out time, I think he has someone else providing him emotional support at a minimum and has been doing that for a long time which is why you never feel like he came back to you fully before. But maybe that’s just because there are so many similarities between your experience and mine and my husband has a “just a friend” who is always there for him. Even when he’s at the gym or taking our kid to the park or working late, he involved her.

[Blue Chilli]

I may never know the full truth. I have been keeping busy and making my own plans for more but I will be stuck with him living here for a time. Perhaps he will move out sooner than planned, now that I'm not running after him and doing as much for him. I'm not aware of a friend of the type you describe, but then he may not have said and I haven't looked overly closely to find out.

 

If I find any secrets to survival I'll let you know, and I'm sorry you have been/are hurt in a similar way.

[anika99]

Reminds me of the years I spent with an alcoholic, waiting and hoping that one day he would pick me over partying and drinking. I tried everything. First I addressed his list of complaints about me and made huge improvements in all the areas he said I needed to improve. That didn't work so then I would cycle through crying, getting angry, then trying to convince myself it wasn't that bad. We would talk and reach compromises but he never kept his end of the deal.

 

When I finally realized there was nothing I could do to make another person change, I moved out within 2 weeks, after living with him for 8yrs. It was heartbreaking and it took me a couple of years to heal. However once I was healed my only regret is that I invested so much time and energy into someone who clearly did not share my values or goals. If the person you're with doesn't even want the same as you want then fighting for what you want is just a futile waste of effort and a colossal waste of time. Looking back I actually feel bad for all the misery I put both of us through in trying to change someone who didn't want to change.

 

Your healing will not begin until he moves out. As long as he lives with you, you will be in pain. Your new life won't start until he is gone. I really think you need to come up with a better plan. I think this arrangement just prevents you from accepting the end while allowing him to have his cake and eat it too, but in the long run it will just prolong the pain. It is rare for a man to take the initiative to divorce without another woman being somehow in the picture. I'd say if your husband doesn't already have another woman then at the very least he wants the freedom to pursue other women.

 

Lastly don't pay attention to the inflammatory posters. Once you have been here for awhile you will see that we pretty much ignore James and his ridiculous over the top posts.