Should I break up with my boyfriend?

[lonewolf88]

Hi everybody I just wanted to get some advice about my situation and help on a decision of what to do.

 

I (30) have been dating my boyfriend (32) "John" for 6 months. This guy is loads better than my past boyfriends, he treats me very well. We had a rocky start in the beginning where he confronted me about some of my negative attitudes and behaviors. This caused me to look deeply at myself and I feel from being with him, I grew as a person. I reflected on my past relationships and saw how I was caught in abusive relationships and also sometimes contributed to the abuse.

 

For example, my last boyfriend was very attractive and made a lot of money, but he was an alcoholic. I posted about the break up here. I promised myself i would overcome negative patterns and that led to me meeting my current boyfriend, John.

 

The thing is I am just not sure how I feel. On the one hand being with John feels healing, but on the other hand I don't like feeling like I am the wounded, sick one that John "saved". He cares about me very much but I don't exactly like feeling like I am the misfit one with the tragic past. My previous boyfriends all had worse backstories than me, and now, I feel the roles have been switched with John playing the role I did before of rescuer and me now the fickle one. It's magnified by how previous boyfriends weren't truly committed to me, I would get upset, now I am just not as committed to John.

 

I can tell John is holding back from saying "I love you" only because I haven't said it, and he makes it no secret that he wants us to get married within a year. I sometimes wonder if I should break up with him just because I don't feel as strongly as he does. But I always come to the conclusion "no" mainly because when I dated someone as fickle as myself now, I wished they would just get over it and give me a chance (and I know my ex isnt really that happy without me.)

 

I doubt that I will ever find someone who treats me as well as John. I might find someone richer or better looking but no one who really cares about me like he does. I don't think I will actually be happier without him, but I'm also not sure this relationship is the right one. I don't know what to do.

[ExpatInItaly]

How long had you been broken up from your previous boyfriend when you met your current one?

 

Why do you feel he's taken the role of "rescuer", and does he feel the same way?

 

For what it's worth, I feel it's too fast to be talking about getting married within a year when you've only dated 6 months and haven't even exchanged "I love you" yet. I would feel pressured, even without some unfinished emotional business in my past.

[zouz71]

Conviction is an inexhaustible treasure

 

but you don't love him enough ....

 

You want to stay , make sure you tell him what you feel .

[Arieswoman]

Lonewolf,

Let's have a look at what you posted;

 

We had a rocky start in the beginning where he confronted me about some of my negative attitudes and behaviors.

The thing is I am just not sure how I feel.

I don't like feeling like I am the wounded, sick one that John "saved".

Co-dependent relationship coming up

 

and he makes it no secret that he wants us to get married within a year.

beware of guys that want to 'fast forward' the relationship.

 

I doubt that I will ever find someone who treats me as well as John.

Even if it were true, that's no reason to carry on seeing a guy you aren't sure about.

 

 

I think you know the answer.

 

Good luck x

[Highndry]

Talking about marriage before even saying "I love you" is extremely odd, in fact ridiculous.

 

John has made the mistake of showing his hand too much, and as a result you don't really feel like he's much of a "catch."

 

Be aware that once you say goodbye to John there's a good chance you will regret it, maybe for the rest of your life.

[lonewolf88]

How long had you been broken up from your previous boyfriend when you met your current one?

 

Why do you feel he's taken the role of "rescuer", and does he feel the same way?

 

For what it's worth, I feel it's too fast to be talking about getting married within a year when you've only dated 6 months and haven't even exchanged "I love you" yet. I would feel pressured, even without some unfinished emotional business in my past.

 

My ex and I were broken up for over 6 mos before i met this guy. I've never been one to jump from relationship to relationship but i do tend to go for the same type.

 

I feel he's the rescuer because I'm in a worse spot than him when it comes to emotional and mental health. For example i had an abusive childhood, he had a good childhood. However I've done a lot of recovery and do have positive figures in my life. Also I've had more break ups than him. He's sort of more "pure" if that makes sense.

 

So I get frustrated that I feel that dynamic between us because i think partners should be equal, help raise each other up. I think we do it for each other i guess it's just hard sometimes.

 

I know it's too early to talk about marriage but on the other hand i don't want to be dating a guy for months and then find out he's not sure about starting a family one day. I like to know we're on the same page on issues like that and both marriage-minded folk.

 

My parents got married after 1 month of meeting each other so it might be a cultural thing too.

 

So I don't really know what to do because on the one hand I feel he is really rare and special and we are well-matched, on the other hand I feel pressured and hurried to commit too fast and also that he looks down on me or feels sorry for me somehow. Do you think it is normal for a guy to feel that the girl he's dating needs help from him and he likes that feeling?

 

I don't want to be in a codependent relationship ever again. My boyfriend is much, much better than my ex I just can't tell if my feelings are off because he's too "normal" and therefore boring so I'm not used to that, or if there is something just a little bit off about the relationship.

[lonewolf88]

Lonewolf,

Let's have a look at what you posted;

 

 

 

 

Co-dependent relationship coming up

 

 

beware of guys that want to 'fast forward' the relationship.

 

 

Even if it were true, that's no reason to carry on seeing a guy you aren't sure about.

 

 

I think you know the answer.

 

Good luck x

 

Thanks for the response too. I really want to avoid any codependent relationship. In my past i was the chaser. It gave me terrorism anxiety. With John I'm not like that. I feel confident. But I'm worried it's still codependent somehow. Like now, he has anxiety, and tries to control me. The way I did to others in the past.

 

I wish to just be in a comfortable and happy relationship and for the most part this is, so i want to keep it. But then I'm not sure if I'm settling.

 

Sigh. Anyway. Thanks for listening.

[ExpatInItaly]

So I don't really know what to do because on the one hand I feel he is really rare and special and we are well-matched, on the other hand I feel pressured and hurried to commit too fast and also that he looks down on me or feels sorry for me somehow. Do you think it is normal for a guy to feel that the girl he's dating needs help from him and he likes that feeling?

 

Not really, no.

 

It's one thing to support a partner through a rough patch and to feel capable of being a support system. It's another to want to rescue them from their own lives. If it's the latter he enjoys, you're setting yourselves up for a very unhealthy dynamic in which you are under his thumb and unable to function on your own.

 

It's also not a good sign if he's pressuring you to marry him quickly. What your parents did is irrelevant. That was a generation ago and you are already having reservations about how fast this is moving.

 

Listen to your gut, OP. It's trying to tell you something.

[lonewolf88]

Not really, no.

 

It's one thing to support a partner through a rough patch and to feel capable of being a support system. It's another to want to rescue them from their own lives. If it's the latter he enjoys, you're setting yourselves up for a very unhealthy dynamic in which you are under his thumb and unable to function on your own.

 

Thanks for writing back. Well we had a big fight yesterday where he told me i am lazy and a narcissist. I felt really bad. Today he complained more that I do not spend enough time with him and I honestly could not promise that I will give him more time. He said I'm avoiding answering directly and broke up with me.

 

I feel so hurt and confused because like I said in the original post it's so hard for me to think of ending with him because he has such a good and kind character. But then we have these moments where he's upset and I don't feel good enough. I don't know why relationships have to be so hard. I don't know how I feel about this, except sad.

[Highndry]

Thanks for writing back. Well we had a big fight yesterday where he told me i am lazy and a narcissist. I felt really bad. Today he complained more that I do not spend enough time with him and I honestly could not promise that I will give him more time. He said I'm avoiding answering directly and broke up with me.

 

I feel so hurt and confused because like I said in the original post it's so hard for me to think of ending with him because he has such a good and kind character. But then we have these moments where he's upset and I don't feel good enough. I don't know why relationships have to be so hard. I don't know how I feel about this, except sad.

 

 

You sounded really wishy-washy about the relationship and I'm sure he fully recognized that. It seems like you were taking him for granted.

[bathtub-row]

It’s quite possible that you felt subtly controlled by John and it kept you from fully connecting with him. Also, guys rarely wait until the woman tells him she loves him. Usually the guy needs to do that first.

 

And I agree with the other poster that it was odd for him to talk about marriage when neither of you had even talked about your feelings. I once had a guy say to me, “I want to marry you.” I didn’t realize that was a proposal. He then told someone in his family that we were getting married. That was his way of dodging rejection I suppose and I later learned just how manipulative he could be. Perhaps John was like that. And despite the fact that he helped you out, he shouldn’t have made you feel like you were beneath him.

 

Don’t be surprised if he comes back and wants to mend things with you. You need to think about whether this was a good relationship for you or not. I think there was something about it that caused you to keep your distance. One thing I’ve noticed about people who grew up with abuse is that they’re almost always extremely good at reading people and sizing them up. You need to honor your instincts and draw on them.