What do I do?

[SA88]

I've been seeing a married woman for about a year and a half. Theres been lots of talk of leaving and being together but its never happened, she still loves him, loves their life etc but has also been madly in love with me.

I don't know whether to or how to walk away. I feel like maybe she is over me but I need help?

 

 

Last week was rough, stressful and busy for both of us and we had a few arguments. She told me she wasn't feeling super in to me or this, even though she was still in love with me, felt overwhelmed and needed a break. She asked if we could have a break for the following week (this week) and just stop, but not permanently. We had dinner planned for over the weekend and I asked if we should cancel it, but she said she wanted to go ahead and then just start the break from Monday - we went out, she wanted to hold my hand, kiss me etc but then bailed suddenly at the end of dinner... I saw her 2 days later, she came over and we slept together but it didn't feel the same intensity as usual. She's spoken to me on the phone every day since, the only difference since this 'break' is that she hasn't asked to see me...

 

 

Is she over me? What do I do? Am I being an idiot chasing her?? Can I ask her if we're still on a break or if shes still into me or do I just ignore her and see what happens?

 

 

Actually making me crazy.

[dogloverof2]

I am going to assume you are single...

 

If that is the case, find someone who is single also. Someone that doesn't keep you on a hook.

 

You are allowing yourself to be a matter of convenience, and you deserve to be priority.

 

Just my two cents.

[ManMar]

You are asking for relationship advice... before some people here paint the situation in black and white, or rather, in a very negative black, allow me a more practical view

 

This kind of relationship is prone to a push and pull dynamic, not bc she wants to manipulate you, but bc she is sincerely torn between two realities. Btw, most likely it will happen to you too, you are now hot, but at times you will have second thoughts and become cold with her. This is only natural if you think about it.

 

Only you can decide if this experience is worth living (contrary to some opinions here, I do think the answer is sometimes a big yes). If you decide to go ahead, develop a thick skin.

 

If she were not into you, she would have left you already. She is interested. However, if you push her with your anxiety, she is going to retrace. Just let her breathe. It is hard, but control yourself.

 

This type of relationship is addictive, for both. She is also addicted, but she is a different person with different emotional reactions. Do not panic.

 

If she breaks with you, it could be for three reasons. One is she does not like you anymore, in which case, nothing you do is going to change her view. She has tasted you, you are not for her. She moves on, you should do the same. Do not fall into a pathetic chasing, it is not going to change anything.

 

The other reason is that she goes from one reality to the other and sometimes gets confused. If this is the case, most likely she will come back to you, no need to chase her. I think this is what is happening.

 

There is obviously a third reason, which would be when she likes you but makes a cold assessment and decides that she likes her other side more, and then chooses. This is hard to do, so unlikely at this point.

 

To sum up: relax and dont chase her! most likely she is not playing a game, she just needs space. Give her some time and assess yourself if you really want to play this very dangerous game. Maybe you dont. Use this board to learn from other people's experience. Some people here are very generous with their time and want to help.

 

My honest advice: if you are not too hooked, move on now. If you are looking for sex, find a non-emotional arrangement, better with a single woman. If yo are looking for something else, unless you are deeply in love with this woman, it is smarter to move on now.

 

Good luck

Edited February 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[eastdean]

She's the one doing the cheating (I assume), and it's probably hard for someone outside that atmosphere to understand it. It's full of stresses and pressures and can be crazy-making. As long as she's in stay-or-go dilemma (if in fact she's considering going), there will be periods like this. Question is whether you can abide with it or not. Good luck.

[elaine567]

How old is she?

Are there kids involved?

How long has she been married?

[DKT3]

Most people in affairs are in them for the fantasy, to escape from thier real life. Parr of the fantasy is often planning a future. Another part of the fantasy are the obstacles.

 

The problem for many is when reality touches the fantasy, at some point this has to happen. I dont know how, but its happened here. Maybe her husband is suspicious, maybe she made a mistake and is waiting for him to discover it, whatever it is, it appears that part of her is looking to end this affair.

 

Forget all the love talk, after all it's most likely just that. Drug addicts dont usually LOVE the drug of choice yet they cant stop, same here. I believe once people get honest with themselves about the true dynamic, navigating becomes clearer and much easier.

[BaileyB]

I would keep my dignity. I would not chase her.

 

You have been under the illusion that she was going to leave her family. It’s not going to happen. Take that for what it’s worth, and make your decisions accordingly.

[LonelyITGuy]

Bro, she's USING you. There is NO future for you two. NONE. So why do you waste your time with her? She's told you all you need to know and strings you along so she can bang you when she needs it. She's not leaving her marriage.

 

Get yourself into IC immediately and cut off ALL contact with her for good. Period.

[CaliforniaOtherMan]

as someone that was in a similar situation as you for a few more years, i would recommend without ANY hesitation to GET OUT. this will help your mental health short term and long term. additionally, you do not want to be in a situation where the details of your situation reach the MM.

it will be hard, you will suffer mentally but it's FAR better to get out now rather than to wait or risk a D Day.

if she asked for a break my guess is that she is having shame for the A, but she still has feelings for you, thus talking.

again, this is your situation and nobody knows it better than you. be honest with yourself. is risking everything you have, everything that she has, worth this? be pragmatic. i know it's hard.

[CaliforniaOtherMan]

as someone that was in a similar situation as you for a few more years, i would recommend without ANY hesitation to GET OUT. this will help your mental health short term and long term. additionally, you do not want to be in a situation where the details of your situation reach the MM.

it will be hard, you will suffer mentally but it's FAR better to get out now rather than to wait or risk a D Day.

if she asked for a break my guess is that she is having shame for the A, but she still has feelings for you, thus talking.

again, this is your situation and nobody knows it better than you. be honest with yourself. is risking everything you have, everything that she has, worth this? be pragmatic. i know it's hard.

again, nobody knows your situation better than you. everyone here is just giving advice from their own experiences and histories. this is not easy stuff.

again, i would advise you to break it off. explaining your reasons to her may help her realize your pain, or she may give you empty promises to keep it going. so perhaps not giving a full explanation other than "i need to focus on myself and my own mental health" MAY be your best option.

again, this is just my advice from my own life experience and from the limited information i have about your situation. only you know what is best for you, but be sure to think about your future, both short and long term and how her in your life can help or hinder your success, be in personal, professional or mental health wise. i am of the opinion that mental health is the most important thing for anyone and everyone. from what you've shared with us (thank you for feeling as though you can share these things... they're really F'ing hard), it seems you are going through a very difficult time. it's time to focus on you as an individual, not the OM to a MW.

i am not a professional by any means, so take from this what you will.

if i could go back and do things differently, i would have broken it off with the MW i was seeing early, or not even start when i was approached. it would have caused much less heartbreak for all parties concerned. but no two situations are the same.

best of luck and be strong. what i've found that this site is full of people that will give you support and listen. keep this as a resource, but don't limit yourself to only here.

Edited February 6, 2019 by CaliforniaOtherMan

[Origin]

Sorry that you're going thru that man. She's is in what they/we call "a valley". She's in there because she didn't make up her mind and will stay in there until something happens. You enabled her to be in the valley in a way also.

 

I recommend you listen to a podcast by Dr. Joe Beam who talks about Limerence (it has 3 parts) and I think everything he says will help you just based on little you wrote. Give it a listen I believe it'll help you understand.

 

 

Now for my personal advice on this. I know you won't like this or believe it because you badly want to be with her in a relationship. The best thing for you is to walk away and not look back. She's not a good person you convinced yourself she is and leaving will be very hard because she will always find a way to pull you in and make you believe "there is something there" "we're different" "this is different". It's not. Do you research and get out before you get crushed.

[pepperbird]

It sounds to me like you have fallen for a ghost...someone who isn't real. You see her as this fun loving person, her husband is a big bad guy, whatever...none of that matters because it's probably not true.

 

 

Lots of om/ow do this, as it's easier for them to believe the person being cheated on must deserve it in some way. The reality? He's probably just your average guy, a lot like you. Not super wonderful, but not terrible either.

 

Why am I bringing this up? Think on this...

Every day she sees her husband. they talk, joke, sleep together, whatever. Every day, she looks him right in the eyes and lies to his face without scruple. This is a man she stood in front of a whole group of friends and family and promised to remain faithful. That is one of the pillars of marriage.

 

If she lies to him, what makes you think she won't lie to your face too..after all, she's getting LOTS of practice.