My boyfriend's family....hates me?

[OliviaM]

I have been dating my boyfriend for over 1.5 years, and we are really happy together (that is, when it is just the two of us - or we are out with friends etc). BUT, I'm having major issues with his family.

 

To make a looong story short - my BF's mother and sister seemed to dislike me from the beginning....or, at least, once my BF and I were evidently "together" and going well. I feel like it is a jealousy issue, and my BF confirms this. They feel like I am "taking him away from them".

 

My BF's family is very "closed"....they don't seem to socialise much, and I have long had the impression that they don't like people "coming into" the family circle, or "going out of the family circle" (there are four of them).

 

Recently, my 24 year old BF got in an argument with his mother (she was upset that he had bought me a gift) and the whole thing blew up, his Dad got upset with him, and then they threatened to kick him out of the house. They have done this many times before, but on this occasion, they actually CHANGED THE LOCKS.

 

I have to be honest. I was 100% in support of my BF moving out of home. I think it is horrible the way his family treats him....(from what I see, it is a very manipulative process, in order to keep him "under control" and they KNOW that he is happy at home, and wouldn't want to move out just yet). But I felt that it would be a good thing for him to try the independent life, and doing things on his own. Particularly because it would give him some perspective on the whole thing with his family etc.

 

Once my BF decided to move out (he went looking for an apartment etc - because he didn't have anywhere to live), his parents then told him not to leave. They said it was a bad idea, and that all he had to do was apologise to them, and everything would be back to normal. I, (once again, have to be honest) encouraged him to move out. I thought even 6 months out of home would be good for him (he has a full-time job etc).

 

Anyway, he went to collect his things from his house, and his parents said HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT ME. As I said, I have had the impression (before) that they don't particularly like me, but I feel like I have not done anything wrong by them....in fact, I have tried to fit in with them as best I could...

 

But they honestly believe I was responsible for making my BF move out. They told him I am trying to "break up the family", that I am "manipulative" and to "be careful of me". I was so hurt. I cried and cried when my BF told me what they had said.

 

Unfortunately, to make matters worse, my BF only moved out for 2 days (his family told him they weren't going to contact him, and he could contact them when he had his "nervous breakdown"). I think that was what made it really difficult for him. It was difficult enough because it was his first time out of home....

 

So, on day three in his new apartment, he moved back home. I was DEVASTATED I honestly feel like this has made our relationship very difficult now....given everything his parents have said.

 

He tells me that he doesn't agree with what they said, and he "stands up for me" whenever they say something bad against me....but I feel so sad about this situation. For the first week that he was back home, they actually "banned" me from visiting, and told my BF that I wasn't to call the house because they didn't want to hear my voice. I was so upset....and I still am.

 

While I haven't been over there since all of this has happened (I feel that it would be a very uncomfortable situation for all involved), I have called his house to speak to him (my BF) and his parents have been very cold with me on the phone

 

My BF tells me that I have to give him time to "sort things out" with his parents....but I have to tell you, I get so upset sometimes. I have moments when I feel very anxious that he is there at all (even though I know it is his family), I honestly feel that they (his family) would be very happy if we just broke up....

 

My BF wants to go on an overseas trip with me at the end of the year....and he says after that, it is unlikely he will want to move back home....but I still feel anxious, and worried....because....I don't even know why !?

 

Am I silly for being so upset....(I'm better at the moment, but just yesterday I was really upset). Should I leave him to clear this up with his parents? I truly believe he loves me very much, and he wants to marry me....and tells me his heart would break if I left him....

 

What should I do?? Any words of advice, or comments ??

 

Thank you so much.

[Outcast]

If at the age of 24 this guy can't be a man and stand on his own, he'll forever be tied to his mother's apron strings. The whole family sounds dysfunctonal - unless this is a case of two different ethnicities and they're new immigrants. Either way, they will always interfere in your relationship and he will not be able to stop them. I'd run for the hills.

[Sheba]

If he had ordinary parents they would be happy when their son found a woman that loved him and treated him well. I have children, and I would be delighted if they found a partner who adored and respected them - I want them to be happy! If you treat your boyfriend well, and are polite to the family too, there is no excuse for their behaviour. You must not take it personally, if that is the case. They are not really reacting to you but to their own interactions.

[OliviaM]

If at the age of 24 this guy can't be a man and stand on his own, he'll forever be tied to his mother's apron strings. The whole family sounds dysfunctonal - unless this is a case of two different ethnicities and they're new immigrants. Either way, they will always interfere in your relationship and he will not be able to stop them. I'd run for the hills.

 

Dear Outcast,

 

Thank you so much for your response. It made me smile. I think I find it reassuring to hear that some people would actually "run for the hills" if they were in my situation. Because, I definitely have my moments when I don't think it is worth it...

[OliviaM]

If he had ordinary parents they would be happy when their son found a woman that loved him and treated him well. I have children, and I would be delighted if they found a partner who adored and respected them - I want them to be happy! If you treat your boyfriend well, and are polite to the family too, there is no excuse for their behaviour. You must not take it personally, if that is the case. They are not really reacting to you but to their own interactions.

 

Dear Sheba,

 

Thank you so much for your advice. Gosh - would I love to have you as a parent-in-law Fingers crossed, this will "blow over".....at this point, it's hard to imagine that it will....(given the things that have been said)....but perhaps things will change, or my BF will talk some sense into them or something....

[OliviaM]

My BF and I have done a lot of talking lately....and from what he is saying, he is not happy being at home, but he wants to be there for the next couple of months while he saves up some money....and decides what he wants to do etc. He knows that it is particularly difficult now - because they EVIDENTLY do not like me, and I think that makes it hard for him (he feels like getting mad at them when they make silly remarks etc, but doesn't, because he wants to stay living there etc).

 

I think - at this point - I am willing to wait and see what happens. I am hopeful that he will get sick of it before I do....(fingers crossed).

 

It's hard....because I don't want to "ditch him" on the basis that he is trying to maintain a relationship with his family....and at the same time, it hurts me greatly to know that he is in an environment in which people don't like me....and I feel that could infiltrate into him....maybe?

 

I'm sorry to ramble - but I will certainly keep you posted on what happens.

 

Perhaps you can suggest things I can do ? Particularly while I am - effectively - waiting for him to "be a man" and make some big decisions. Do you think concentrating on myself - my hobbies, friends, etc - is a good idea? Because at the moment - I feel like I am too readily getting upset at what is happening in his family home

 

Thanks a lot for your advice

[Outcast]

because I don't want to "ditch him" on the basis that he is trying to maintain a relationship with his family

 

There is a huge gap between 'maintain a relationship with his family' and 'allow the family to govern decisions and interfere in your relationship.' If he can't get himself to position A then you'll be stuck with B forever. It's to him to make this change and choice. Good luck on hanging in there. If he does get out on his own and if he then starts to reject their excessive influence, there may be a chance.

 

As to what you do - I don't know. Keep meeting in secret. Another sign of maturity is him not telling all to his family. At his age, they don't need to know all of his business. And again, it's not 'maintaining a relationship with his family' to tell them everything he does and who he does it with.

[FreeMe]

His family is sick and dysfunctional. You were right in everything you said about how they control and manipulate him. The "closed" aspect of the family is also messed up - he'll never be able to have a normal relationship with anyone. RUN RUN RUN. He'll still be dealing with them "sorting things out" and saying things like "let me deal with them in my own way" when he's 50. My EX-50-year-old boyfriend used to say the same EXACT THINGS. Even his parents said the same things your boyfriend's parents are saying about you. They don't want to hear your voice? My ex's parents used to say it "made them sick" to see us in a car together. I wasn't allowed to call there, go to the house or anything. In fact, they said he'd have a nervous breakdown on his own? well, that's what they said to my ex when he was a young guy and he did. He's in his 50s and still being controlled. RUN!

[Sheba]

It sounds as if you need to "free you". I do believe that such exclusiveness is highly correlated with dysfunction. Abusers typically shelter their family from outsiders - no doubt so that there is no observer to witness the abuse.

 

This family does not sound in the least ordinary.

 

If you have a clear conscience and have done no harm to any family member (it would have to be serious harm, in my view, to warrant this reaction), then you should run the other direction. Do not stick around to try to "fix" this man.

 

A kind and loving person ought to be welcomed into the family of any partner.

[RainyDayWoman]

well, it may be their dissatifaction with him that is projected onto you.

 

maybe they are wanting their adult son to move on in life (i.e. stop living with them) and then he goes and spends his money on you, when he should be saving it.

 

see what i mean?

 

they may very well be issues about him, but since you are taking his time and money (not that you're "taking it" but you know what i mean, i hope) then you become the "culprit."