Does anyone else think that they may be a narcissist?

[HiCrunchy]

I didn't know what narcissists were until I got into therapy when I left exH.

 

As my life unravelled the 2 psychologists I spoke to seemed to think exH was a malevolent narcissist. I looked into it a bit and it seems to fit, but I'm not a medic and I've been told NPD is notoriously difficult to diagnose.

 

Narcissism as a personality trait isn't that uncommon so you may well be one, like plenty of others.

 

To qualify for a diagnosis, that personality trait needs to be pervasive and affecting others in a negative way.

 

Do you need to see your reflection in the mirror multiple times a day?

 

Do you lie a lot to get attention?

 

Do you get under people's skin for fun and need to have the last word?

 

Are you incapable (literally, as in you don't have the capabilities) to think about anything but yourself?

 

Do you need constant validation?

 

Have you bern told that you were self-centered and lacked empathy and emotional response by people who know you well? And you have a close circle of friends?

 

Do you lose your temper quite drastically when you don't get your way?

 

Do you seek revenge on those who wronged you? Like using stuff from someone's past to denigrate them?

 

Are you financially irresponsible?

 

Do those who don't know you think you're great?

 

Do you exaggerate your successes?

 

Are you chameleon-like? Like you change your values and opinions depending on your audience.

 

Do you think you are a misundersdood genius?

 

 

ExH had all of these traits (and a few more), but mainly he lacks self-awareness. If you are a lot of those things, you're in trouble!

 

These are good questions OP. I'd like to know the answers to them!

[MetallicHue]

I think we should avoid putting labels on ourselves when possible. There are so many degrees of narcissism. I’m sure there’s a few things that I’d fall under given one of the many different criteria for it. Then on the flip side I have incredibly low self esteem and get depressed because I feel I’m worthless (once in a while). I think you just need to know your own strengths and weaknesses. Self awareness is great and then take action on what you want to improve.

[Naivewomen]

@cantgetenuff. I really just think you bored, lack the lust and desire with your wife. The major addiction to other women is the LUST of another. You may have broken that desire for your wife and finding it very difficult to get back. Been there still there...... major problemo!!!!! Do u feel a strong pshycial attraction to her or is she just security and safety??? Eager for your reply.

[CantGetEnuff]

I can't possibly answer all of these questions, but I'll try to hit a few of the basics...

 

No I don't spend all day in the mirror. My wife primps as much as I do, maybe more.

 

Most of my lying has been hiding the affairs. I do not affirmatively lie on a daily basis. I am a pretty honest person, generally speaking, and every word I've typed on here has been truthful.

 

I don't have a bad temper. I rarely drink. I have been in two fights in my life, and they both lasted like 30 seconds max. My hair got messed up but you should see the other guys! (their hair got messed up too)

 

I am financially responsible. The riskiest behavior I engage in is low level gambling. For example, I have a poker game this weekend but I'm using my own money for that, not family money.

 

Etc Etc

 

Basically, I think most people I know in real life dig me and value me as a person, and vice versa.

 

Re: @naivewomen's questions, the honest answer is, "I still find my wife attractive, but she's so familiar that the lust has died down some. I still enjoy sex with her. It's just that when you compare your familiar spouse to a hot, mysterious new person, the new person is going to have that shiny allure that the familiar person doesn't have."

 

Please do not attack me for saying this. I am just being honest. I don't see any sense in lying here.

[Naivewomen]

I understand your honesty. At no time did you have feelings for any of the other women?? Do u simply cut off the emotional aspect of it?? I'm curious as I was in a long term affair and love to get a cheating males perspective here.

[CantGetEnuff]

@naive,

 

No I wouldn't say that I cut off "all emotional aspects" or anything. A person generally cheats with someone they genuinely like a person, not just as a "sexypants partner."At least that was my experience.

 

I've put the physical affairs in my rear-view mirror long ago and prefer not to go back and re-examine them, but yes I developed feelings for two of the women. They were both super smart (in different ways), sexy and clever.

 

With the online stuff, it was easier for me to just view that as quick sexy fun, and then put my phone away and get back to work.

[Naivewomen]

Sorry I didnt mean to bring up the past PA's. It was a selfish question on my part because of the intensity of my EA. A bit narcissistic on my part. Lol!

[preraph]

How are you with empathy for others? The worst narcissists are those without empathy and they resemble sociopaths, but you can have empathy and still be a narcissist, and it takes the edge off of it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

CantGetEnuff,

 

You're probably not a narcissist. Most likely you're just immature, selfish, and have a lot to learn about life, as many of the rest of us are or have been.

 

At some point, if you're fortunate, life will give you a truly swift kick in the butt. Then you'll have a decision to make as to whether you'll work through it tenaciously and honorably to become a person of substance or whether you'll become bitter and turn into a real jerk.

 

If you should decide to put in the hard work to get through adversity with grace when you are challenged beyond what you think you can endure, you just may emerge from the difficulty a truly great person who is humble, patient, compassionate and understanding toward others!

 

Many are the folks who have stood where you stand now. It's actually pretty common.

 

There are a hallowed few who learn (taught by parents or are just naturally gifted, these privileged few) as children the joys and rewards of esteeming others better than oneself and serving them with grace. The rest of us have to "live and learn" in order to become an outstanding individual. Here's wishing you challenges to face that, handled well, will catapult you to that end!

Edited February 9, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease

[chillii]

What amazes me is that you say your so smart yet you seem to be 10 miles off in your little list,

And you could easily diagnose yourself quite accurately if you really wanted to and were self aware enough with such smarts and the 2 billion things all over the net on narcs.

 

Also agree of the ridiculous use of the term narcissist too these days and especially by the every 2nd person that's been dumped . l think a more accurate term they're looking for is a/h or b@tch.

There must've been a narc breeding farm somewhere hidden away in this last 20 yrs

Edited February 11, 2019 by chillii

[vla1120]

I am not a narcissist. I have been labeled an "empath", which is supposedly perfect prey for the narcissist. My husband was, in fact, officially diagnosed with NPD. One thing I know about him is that he would never question whether or not he was a narcissist. He doesn't have that level of self-awareness.

 

As far as believing you are always the smartest person in the room, there are so many daily examples of overt stupidity in the world, I think many people are starting to question the intelligence level of the average human being. Don't even get me started on politics.

[BaileyB]

Personally, I think the term “narcissist” is thrown around much too casually these days. Certainly, on this board... It seems to be the latest trend. To me, it’s a convenient label used to excuse what would otherwise be described as very selfish, hurtful, and generally poor behavior.

 

Everytime I hear someone describe their “narcissistic ex” who treated them badly, I kind of ... Sure, some people have very narcissistic tendencies. But, just because someone treated you badly or hurt you doesn’t make them a narcissist.

[BaileyB]

CantGetEnuff,

You're probably not a narcissist. Most likely you're just immature, selfish, and have a lot to learn about life, as many of the rest of us are or have been.

 

At some point, if you're fortunate, life will give you a truly swift kick in the butt.

 

Absolutely. Immature, selfish, entitled, arrogant, lacking in empathy, the list goes on and on...

 

And someday, life will give you a truly swift kick in the but. Perhaps, you will learn a few important lessons. Or, you will continue along your current path...

 

At least, you provide some entertainment on the boards...

Edited February 14, 2019 by BaileyB

[CantGetEnuff]

I like you too.

Edited February 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post

[littleblackheart]

It seems to be the latest trend.

 

I think that's true. I see a few problems with this:

 

1. it invalidates the experience of those who did, in fact, live with a genuinely narcissistic person. I know now I'm more cautious about discussing my own experience with my abusive ex because I worry that I might not be believed. Which really adds insult to injury, because being scared of not being believed, or not believing what he was like, was one reason I stayed in my dysfunctional marriage for so long.

 

2. it desensitises people, makes them less empathetic, quicker to dismiss other people's situation.

 

3. it makes it more about attributing blame than accepting responsibility.

[elaine567]

3. it makes it more about attributing blame than accepting responsibility.

This is why so many attach the word narcissist to their story as it conveys a seriousness and a sense of drama that it may not really deserve.

 

He is a bit moody and self absorbed at times - talk to him, work out what is wrong.

He is a narcissist - RUN.

 

Borderline is another "diagnosis" that also totally shifts responsibility.

[BaileyB]

Borderline is another "diagnosis" that also totally shifts responsibility.

 

Oh goodness, yes.

 

And that is also thrown around here, any spouse who is being unreasonable is self-disagnosed with BPD. People are more willing to discuss their borderline spouses crazy behavior and I want to say — you married this person! And sometimes, you stay with this person...

[littleblackheart]

I think it's a good thing in general that people are more aware of personality traits.

 

Knowledge is power, as they say.

 

If it helps someone leave a dysfunctional relationship or get to know themselves better, it's all good. After all, people come here for support and a shoulder to cry on, not judgement and prejudice...

 

The main thing is self-awareness and knowing your own limitations; nobody is perfect.

 

Not sure how this helps you, OP! Apologies for the thread-jack.

Edited February 16, 2019 by littleblackheart

[CantGetEnuff]

No worries, @littleblackheart.

 

And yeah I found it interesting as I researched the diagnosis, but frankly I am probably just a human being who prioritizes his own interests over the interests of other people, even those closest to him.

 

So yes I am flawed, but I really think evolution programs us to be self-interested, you know, to ensure our survival and all.

[littleblackheart]

I really think evolution programs us to be self-interested, you know, to ensure our survival and all.

 

Our basic instincts ensure our survival at a primal level.

 

Evolution, in theory, should make us smarter and less prone to obey our basic instincts, imo. Even as we age, experience and observation will have taught us to adjust our behaviour according to any given situation.

 

So yes, we're all flawed basically (though you wouldn't think it on LS, as we all dispense our knowledge as though we were all experts ) but I guess what matters is our willingness to acknowledge and work on our flaws.

 

Self-awareness is, arguably, the easy part. So the question to you is - are you good with yourself as a self-interested man?