r_m Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Hi everyone, New here. I searched forums but wanted a little bit more personal advice. I was married over 9 years and we have 3 kids. He moved out last month because I requested it. We had problems but overall had a good relationship. He had an emotional affair last year, I forgave him over and over and they stopped talking for awhile but we continued to have problems and I never regained trust... So now, we're separated and I told him I'm willing to try again but I only ask that he stops talking to this girl (also a co-worker) outside of work. No more going out alone, long convos, drinks, etc. He said no, I'm being controlling. So I said fine, be friends with her but she and I also have to be friends. If we're married, we should be able to share friends. And he said no, you burned that bridge when I told her off in person when I found them both at a bar when he was supposed to be working. So now I'm wondering what to do. Say I want to make it work and let him have her as a "friend" or just start the healing process and keep contact only when it comes to kids leading to divorce eventually? It's upsetting because it seems unfair right now - he's "busy" every weekend and can't see his kids as much as I thought he would. He was supposed to have them this weekend and he said he's busy Saturday so can't. Any advice? It's just such a painful process... Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Welcome! Sorry to say at the end of the day ifyour husband chooses not to plug back into his family it will never work out. At least you know where he stands with his"friend" that he is unwilling to stop being distracted with. I feel bad for your kids very much so. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Well if you want to reconcile you both need to really want it. That means you both need to compromise, not only one person. He doesn’t get to call all the shots, without listening to your reasoning. Looks like he’s not 100% in, and quite satisfied with the current separation. You sure he’s not romantically or sexually involved (or trying to be) with his “friend”? I don’t want to make any assumptions, but I’d look into that some more, before fully recommitting to this man. And not having time for his kids when it’s his weekend is just unacceptable. He’s not a sitter, he’s their father. Jesus. Unless he’s got a good reason, like a business trip or moving/setting up his new apartment, etc., you can’t let him dictate the parenting schedule, especially not by switching it around as he pleases. He’s currently trying to control a lot: the terms of your (parenting) schedule, and the terms of your reconciliation. Not cool. Link to post Share on other sites
Author r_m Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 He says he's never touched her, but he admit the emotional aspect of it was "gray." They would spend several hours (sometimes up to 8 while he was working) on the phone, hang out until 2am even during weekdays, and lie to me when he was with her. So it's clearly an emotional affair, I would just have to believe him when he says it never got physical. He did disappear over Christmas break for 3 days straight and I have a feeling he was with her. He didn't call or text me not once and refused to answer my messages. So you guys think it's not worth it? He's pretty much saying he'd be willing to make it work as long as I stop bugging him about her and not to be insecure when he's gone late or has to leave for days for work. It's hard not to be. At one point, they were planning on starting their own business together and I didn't know about this until I snooped after finding out about how close they got. My friends say if I leave, it'll hurt but I'll eventually feel better. If I stay, I'll hurt forever. Do you guys think this is true? He's not willing to compromise at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Your friends are right. Getting back together will not make anything better, just worse. He’s been dishonest all along, and now he acts like he’s doing you a favor by getting back together, while neglecting his children and making demands on how the “reconciliation” should be handled. Which is on his terms. Not a good sign. He won’t change, because he knows you’re the weaker party in this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 I wouldn't take his word for it that it was never physical, he didn't admit to the emotional affair, you discovered it, so he lied about that too...he could be lying about not having a physical affair. Him refusing to give her up confirms to me has checked out of the marriage, I think you should too, you shouldn't have to share your husband with his workmate. Go no contact (except for organising kids stuff) and look after yourself and the children. If he continues to mess around with his visitation the kids are going to wind up hating him, that's his problem, not yours. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
Author r_m Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 Okay, thanks for the responses. I appreciate it. I guess I just needed a 3rd party to confirm that's the right way to go (unbiased opinions). It just hurts SO much because I've been with him since I was in high school and I supported him through his career and now I'm in the middle of mine and he was supposed to support me. I feel so sad and so stupid I put my school on hold to support him all those years. I'm older amongst my colleagues because of it, not a whole lot, but still a few years. I wish we could have made it work. Link to post Share on other sites
chryssy83 Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Just wanted to say I’m in a similar boat with the work friend the husband just couldn’t seem to give up. I have a long way to go to heal etc but I will say, as someone who is just maybe a fraction of a step ahead of you that if he maintains contact with this coworker your marriage can never work. And he won’t give her up, so he’s making that choice. Marriage is about exclusivity right? And he’s not only with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 I wish we could have made it work. You've offered him a choice, and he's chosen ... not you. Or your family. It sucks, but at least you've gotten the answer that allows you to begin moving forward with your life. Be prepared, at some point after she dumps him, for him to show back up at your door... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author r_m Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 How do I stop myself from contacting him? How do I stay strong? Please, any advice/tips would be welcomed. I started counseling 2 weeks ago so I've only gone to two sessions. What do I do when I'm home and wanting to call or text? Or when I want to ask him to watch his own kids? I'm also very busy and now I'm the one having to do literally everything. Link to post Share on other sites
chryssy83 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 When you want to contact him— exercise, watch a movie, take a bath, do housework, anything to keep busy and keep your mind off him. Find some allies you can call any time who will help you stay strong. Come here and post or read stuff about no contact. This forum is such a time suck! Just remember that any progress you made since the last contact gets lost when you contact him again! He does not deserve you. He doesn’t deserve to know what you think or feel or do. He gave all that up when he lied to you and cheated on you and then basically told you that you will never be his priority again. Doesn’t deserve any contact. I’m going on about three months of no contact other than about the kids and the divorce proceedings and I swear it gets easier. Just develop other sources of emotional support and try to stay busy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LensCloth Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 Welcome! Sorry to say at the end of the day if your husband chooses not to plug back into his family it will never work out. At least you know where he stands with his"friend" that he is unwilling to stop being distracted with. I feel bad for your kids very much so. That's thing has'nt got the right to be called a dad - I'm separated over 6 years and have being there for my kids always. - You have the house, dogs, kids, marriage and then its boring so you have the affair - I lost everything! House gone, I could'nt afford on my own and its mounting bills - She went off with the new man. He feels he's having the life but that will fizzle out and will have lost the things he loves the love of his kids - Move on and be there for the kids and make no excuses for him. Tell them why daddy not here this weekend. There is light at the end of the tunnel, if its broken chuck it in the **** it bucket, three strikes ur out - You tried them for you too heal and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 How do I stop myself from contacting him? How do I stay strong? Please, any advice/tips would be welcomed. I started counseling 2 weeks ago so I've only gone to two sessions. What do I do when I'm home and wanting to call or text? Or when I want to ask him to watch his own kids? I'm also very busy and now I'm the one having to do literally everything. It is hard, but do a 180 no contact. Tell him the only time you will communicate is when it involves your children. Since he seems to have no interest there, it should make it even easier for you. When he starts to question your "absence" and lack of contacting him (and he probably will), tell him the ultimatum is for him to STOP with this woman for good. Right now, he thinks he can have his pick of the two women in his life. Let him know that's as false as all the lies he has told you about this other woman. He'll regret picking time with this woman over seeing his children. Especially when she kicks him to the curb because he was much more interesting when he was "unavailable." Link to post Share on other sites
TreadedSole47 Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 How do I stop myself from contacting him? How do I stay strong? Please, any advice/tips would be welcomed. I started counseling 2 weeks ago so I've only gone to two sessions. What do I do when I'm home and wanting to call or text? Or when I want to ask him to watch his own kids? I'm also very busy and now I'm the one having to do literally everything. I am so sorry that you have to go through all this alone. I can relate. (My post “Scared , Lonlry, Reaching out” ) I am glad you are getting some good advice about your husband. I am sorry. Emotional detachment hurts most of all. I can only imagine hearing it wasn’t physical only twisting the dagger further. Finding and wearing that strength is the hardest of all. But look in the mirror for a moment. Take a real good look past all the emotional and or physical baggage that haze the way. Look at the woman who is raising 3 kids. Supported her husband. Took pride in family. Became a wife and a mother and a provider. And you did all that because you wanted to. That’s your strength. It’s hidden. Heavy to pick up. Just from the brief synopsis you covered it seems as though his priorities have become askew. That strength that is so hard to carry , the lasting fulfillment that’s inside , will be yours to enjoy in the long run. I hope that helps a little! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 How do I stop myself from contacting him? It helps me to visualize myself following through on the act I'm considering. If you did contact him, what would you say? And what would he offer you meaningful in return? I'd guess the conversation would go off the rails pretty quick. Reason enough to avoid talking to him... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
skriti659 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 He says he's never touched her, but he admit the emotional aspect of it was "gray." They would spend several hours (sometimes up to 8 while he was working) on the phone, hang out until 2am even during weekdays, and lie to me when he was with her. So it's clearly an emotional affair, I would just have to believe him when he says it never got physical. He did disappear over Christmas break for 3 days straight and I have a feeling he was with her. He didn't call or text me not once and refused to answer my messages. So you guys think it's not worth it? He's pretty much saying he'd be willing to make it work as long as I stop bugging him about her and not to be insecure when he's gone late or has to leave for days for work. It's hard not to be. At one point, they were planning on starting their own business together and I didn't know about this until I snooped after finding out about how close they got. My friends say if I leave, it'll hurt but I'll eventually feel better. If I stay, I'll hurt forever. Do you guys think this is true? He's not willing to compromise at all. I don't think it's possible that he disappeared for 3 days without any call or text and then he says it's just an "Emotional Affair". Your friends are right, you should leave him. You should consult an attorney, as adultery can be a ground for divorce. You should think about your children now. Refer this to know more about it https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grounds_for_divorce Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 You have to start from a solid background , and assume the worse , he will sleep with her if he has not done so already . The point of reconsiliation is not avail now , to start healthy irrespective of any other factor , the base is that your kids needs a father ; so call him and request to see him . In this meeting just discuss the kids needs and make sure that this is your only concern . detect if he is still interrested to be a father ! and streamline the logistics for your kids needs . This part is the most sensitive part in the breakup or even in other possibilities in the future . A man even when he is a good dad might also reach a point where he has a resentment from his kids too amid a seperation. you might want to divorce him , the important point is that never use the kids against him , what is between you and him is not related to kids . Show him that it is important that the kids sees their father ... from the other hand , never involve your kids in the issue . if you opt to divorce he should be divorcing you not his kids . so step on your dignity for once and meet him formally for the only sake of the kids . Link to post Share on other sites
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