I deserved this, breaking my own heart

[DKT3]

I'm still amazed how people try to sell the it just happened, we fell in love it wasn't my intention story.

 

As mentioned, boundaries are crossed long before you are ever close to being in love.

 

Affairs dont just happen, no one goes from zero to in love in a day. No its after a series of decision and choices. Its after a lot of lying and deceiving.

 

Oh honey how was your day.. uneventful really busy lunch at my desk. The truth text messages all day with this person of interest and sneaking off to lunch for some flirting.

 

No they don't just happen, people dont just fall in love.

[whatcomesnext]

I would say honesty is the best policy, however I think that if you want to reconcile there are some exceptions, and this is coming from a BH. Never tell your husband that your AP was a better lover or had a bigger d..k (I know this doesn't apply to you personally). Also I wouldn't recommend dwelling on the fact that you are constantly pining and generally carrying the torch for AP.

 

 

As for being a villain because you fell in love? That's not what makes you a villain. Having such poor personal boundaries that you allowed yourself to get that close to someone outside your marriage who could be a relationship partner is the real problem. If you want to keep your options open to new relationships, DON'T GET MARRIED Or at least be honest about it to the person you marry so they understand what they are getting into.

 

Anyways back to the OP, keep reading these and other similar forums. You will see so many similar stories to your own, and how things end up. Be realistic about where this is heading. Besides, "winning" a narcissist is no prize I can tell you. My WW's brother is a raging Narc and he has put his wife through hell. He is living with his AP while just throwing enough scraps to keep her from divorcing him. Downright cruel, and he has no conscience or guilt about it.

 

I can agree with some of what you say. However, I’m sure you realize that most people in affair situations (putting aside serial cheaters or sex addicts) don’t enter into their Ms realizing that one day, possibly decades later, they will have an affair and therefore can “warn” their Hs in advance of the M. Also, while I don’t believe it is possible for something to “just happen” when it comes to physical connection, it is possible to become emotionally connected to someone without going into it knowing that it could happen. Maybe that requires an element of naïveté, which I can admit that I had. I don’t have that naïveté anymore, which is how I know that I wouldn’t end up in this situation in the future.

 

I’ve been M for a long time, the MM was a friend that we all knew, not someone I viewed as a potential “relationship partner.” I had never previously been attracted to him. If anything I viewed him as safe for a variety of reasons. It’s not an excuse for continuing the R after I knew I was viewing him differently - though that change seemed to hit me like a freight truck and by the time I understood it (or admitted it to myself) I was already so far gone. But the initial decision to interact with him didn’t seem like anything of note. I would view it differently today if someone were to approach me the way MM did, knowing what I know now. At the time it never occurred to me. I also know myself better now. Having been in IC since this happened, I realize that based on my own personal history and traumas sustained, I have triggers and vulnerabilities and attachment issues that I need to watch out for. I would recommend IC for anyone who ends up in these situations.

 

In any event, I think we can all agree that this situation is destined to end badly for OP and she should get out while she still has some personal power and dignity remaining.

[DKT3]

If you go back and read my post, you will find I describe most affairs unfold that way...a guy who isnt the usual type, someone you're not initially attracted too. They sneak up on you, you slowly drop your guard and grow closer.

 

Yet still, there comes a point where you knowingly and willingly do something inappropriate. That's were the I can control this or it won't go further or happen again comes into play.

 

Still time to reverse if one wanted to, if one valued the spouse or relationship. We have actually had people come here at that point, most were convinced to not travel this road, some ignored the warning and continued. There are actually two active now at this very stage. One likely to stop the other in full denial mode and very transparently rewriting her marriage.

 

OP is beyond that point, but still in full denial mode.

[Keysie]

There are dozens, hundreds of threads on here started by ow/om who are broken hearted and in love with their mm/mw.

 

 

That's the thing, is it really "love"? I don't think it is, simply because the ow/om loves what they want the mm/mw to be, not what they are

 

It is love. I mean isn't that how relationships normally starts? Even if you have been dating someone it's not like you will know the real him/her right away. We all try to show the good side first. We only get to know them as time goes by.

 

We fall in love with the person from what they only showed us at first.

[DKT3]

It is love. I mean isn't that how relationships normally starts? Even if you have been dating someone it's not like you will know the real him/her right away. We all try to show the good side first. We only get to know them as time goes by.

 

We fall in love with the person from what they only showed us at first.

 

Affairs are a different dynamic, mostly because there are viable excuses that are used to cover red flags that are normally not ignored or excused.

 

Also, affairs have this built in advantage of basically giving people two options, 1) I'm not a very good person (in this) for doing this to my spouse and family or 2) it's an amazing connection, we are soulmates I've never loved anyone like this. No shock that 99% will convince themselves it's the latter, when in reality its mostly the former.

 

Those things dont need to be done in a normal relationship.

[Zona]

I'm not sure if OP met MM at work. Workplace affairs can be insidious because spending a lot of time with members of the opposite sex is part of the job in most cases. In fact, you likely spend more time with colleagues than you do with your spouse. In the case of my WW, she worked with AP for years before anything happened. They spent a lot of time together and started to develop a connection. I do think naïveté played a role, as once he started to get some inside information about our marriage, he used it to create some bitterness and resentment and make me out to be the bad guy and things went from there.

Workplace affairs are the main cause of the increase in infidelity, especially among women, and I think it's only going to get worse. Sorry to be a pessimist.

[Keysie]

Affairs are a different dynamic, mostly because there are viable excuses that are used to cover red flags that are normally not ignored or excused.

 

Also, affairs have this built in advantage of basically giving people two options, 1) I'm not a very good person (in this) for doing this to my spouse and family or 2) it's an amazing connection, we are soulmates I've never loved anyone like this. No shock that 99% will convince themselves it's the latter, when in reality its mostly the former.

 

Those things dont need to be done in a normal relationship.

It's the same for normal relationship. Just how many people out there ended up regretting getting married? That's why BS often say these lines "I never thought he will do this" or "he wasn't like this before"?

Isn't that the reason why there are BS? They thought their h/w was this perfect,loving and all not knowing that they are being cheated.

Edited February 8, 2019 by Keysie

[SecretStar]

How does one define love? The dictionary definition says that it is a feeling of deep concern for the well being of another person (or something to that effect). If you truly love your MM, you will be concerned about his well being and the best thing for him is to focus on his family and his commitment to his wife.

 

If you love your H and yourself, you will focus on your commitment and your relationship. How can you be most loving to all involved? Be honest with yourself and with them. End to PA immediately, go no contact and start looking in the mirror so you can figure out what happened and what you truly need. Do the hard work of repairing your marriage or decide to end it but not for or because of your MM. There's a reason why this happened. What's the reason? Be honest and as you work through this, think about what kind of human you want to be and how you can truly be loving and respectful towards the people in your life. This has been helpful for me, anyway

[Twistedlove]

defitnitely affects him when they fight and also when we fight it affects him so he takes it out on his family and when they fight he takes it out on me. It’s a vicious cycle. He feels sometimes he’s always fighting with someone

[Daisy2013]

My ex-MM was always angry with his wife. Always miserable. But he is very conflict avoidant, so refused to do anything about it. Said this was marriage number 3, so was sticking it out, and easier to do what she wanted to keep peace. He has no life, can’t enjoy his hobbies, cannot do anything he enjoys. While he never took it out on me personally, he treated me unkind, generally, because of his misery. If that makes sense.

[anika99]

My ex-MM was always angry with his wife. Always miserable. But he is very conflict avoidant, so refused to do anything about it. Said this was marriage number 3, so was sticking it out, and easier to do what she wanted to keep peace. He has no life, can’t enjoy his hobbies, cannot do anything he enjoys. While he never took it out on me personally, he treated me unkind, generally, because of his misery. If that makes sense.

 

Guys like your MM are just miserable in general but like to blame their internal misery on everyone else. He's been miserable through 3 marriages and if got married a fourth time he'd still be miserable. He is the common denominator in all of his relationships. He is the one bringing the misery.

[BaileyB]

Guys like your MM are just miserable in general but like to blame their internal misery on everyone else. He's been miserable through 3 marriages and if got married a fourth time he'd still be miserable. He is the common denominator in all of his relationships. He is the one bringing the misery.

 

Absolutely. And, to convince yourself of anything different is pure fantasy...

[Lotus_Luna]

His marriage never had a direct impact on us. He never talks to me about it, or speaks negatively of her.

 

Only stressors from work affect us. He goes into his head and needs to think about the solution. I understand that, he communicates it to me.

 

And to add, we dont fight. We have had issues but we have learned to communicate calmly through them. He was initially afraid to have communication, he was prepared for me to explode. He had to learn to trust me and I had to learn to trust him. We both are a little bruised from our current partners.

Edited February 9, 2019 by Lotus_Luna

[somanymistakes]

Absolutely. And, to convince yourself of anything different is pure fantasy...

 

Do you also think that people who keep falling into abusive relationships must somehow themselves be the abuser, since they are the common denominator?

 

Some people make the same mistakes over and over again.

 

It is definitely a warning sign, though. If he's constantly attracted to terrible relationships and now he's attracted to you, what does that say about you?

[Mrs._December]

I've told MM i'm ready to tell my H about getting a divorce, but as he has a young child, he has told me that he's not ready to end it yet as he really loves his child.

Yeah, they love playing the kid card. He'll ride that for everything it's worth.

 

 

Don't be surprised when he starts to do a slow fade on you if you actually separate from your husband.

 

 

You see, right now the playing field is even. You both pretty much have the same to lose if your affair were discovered. But once you're separated, the scales will be horribly imbalanced and you'll no longer be risking what HE's risking. And that will scare the hell out of him. He'll start to do the risk/reward thing and you may become a risk that's no longer worth the reward for him.

 

 

 

I'm getting the impression he's just in this affair for the fun and thrills, not for any type of emotional needs. It doesn't sound that way from the things you've posted. I'm also willing to bet you're not his first affair (even though he's probably lied and told you that you are). This guy is way too smooth and practiced for this to be his first affair.

 

 

I'm just saying not to be surprised if he does a fade on you. But you won't be his last affair.

[Tessa111]

Guys like your MM are just miserable in general but like to blame their internal misery on everyone else. He's been miserable through 3 marriages and if got married a fourth time he'd still be miserable. He is the common denominator in all of his relationships. He is the one bringing the misery.

 

Mine is a bit like that too. Never been happy in any r/ship for long because something comes along that takes the attention from him. He freely admits it though. Knowing our faults doesn't always mean we can change them.

[Mrs._December]

BaileyB, the child is 2. Yes he is out having sex while Wife is home caring his child.

Of course he is. That's the kind of guy he is - he's a cheater. That's what they do.

 

Then he goes home and tells his wife how much he loves her and tells his son how much he loves him, as well.

 

He's a prince amongst men.

[BaileyB]

Some people make the same mistakes over and over again.

 

It is definitely a warning sign, though. If he's constantly attracted to terrible relationships and now he's attracted to you, what does that say about you?

 

Agreed. Some people make the same mistakes over and over.

 

Still, three failed marriages and an extramarital affair is a HUGE red flag.

Edited February 10, 2019 by BaileyB

[DKT3]

 

It is definitely a warning sign, though. If he's constantly attracted to terrible relationships and now he's attracted to you, what does that say about you?

 

I'm guessing he makes his relationships terrible. I'm also guessing cheating is a pattern in those relationships.

[Daisy2013]

Do you also think that people who keep falling into abusive relationships must somehow themselves be the abuser, since they are the common denominator?

 

Some people make the same mistakes over and over again.

 

It is definitely a warning sign, though. If he's constantly attracted to terrible relationships and now he's attracted to you, what does that say about you?

 

Interesting. But, I don’t think I am an abuser? I’ve done everything he has asked and our relationship was all on his timing, and his way or the highway. In fact, I bent over backwards doing everything possible to make him happy bc his happiness is important. Even if it didn’t include me. Supported him on all of his dreams, encouraged him. She didn’t, and still doesn’t, and fights him every step of his way on things he wants to do. Sad to see him so unhappy. And I still wasn’t good enough.

 

I’m not deluding myself anymore. Nothing left to offer. I lost. I have wondered, though, if he has cheated in this marriage. She holds the reins so unnaturally tight, it did give me pause at times. Unnaturally tight. He said he hadn’t cheated in this marriage, but did in the 2nd after things went bad.

[BaileyB]

Interesting. But, I don’t think I am an abuser? I’ve done everything he has asked and our relationship was all on his timing, and his way or the highway.

 

I have wondered, though, if he has cheated in this marriage. He said he hadn’t cheated in this marriage, but did in the 2nd after things went bad.

 

Was he not cheating with you Daisy? Does that not count?

 

No, I don’t think she was implying that you are an abuser...

 

Rather, I would suggest that you are an enabler...

[foxtrot4]

Thanks everyone for your reply.

 

The last few days have been a little rough for me. Its been a rollercoaster of emotion.

 

MM and I had a fight, I felt neglected as since he had a fight with his W 4 days ago, she moved out to her friend's house near their home with his son.

 

The last few days he was out partying with his friends and didn't even make time to see me (though granted these plans were made in advance, he had told me about it)

 

Yesterday I told him that I was hoping to spend more time with him that she moved out, then he told me that their mutual friend had convinced her to come home (He didn't even try to bring her home at all for the few days she was away)

 

So i got annoyed and told him that I felt he didn't love me and that his actions and words didn't tally. I sent a longggg text, he only replied with "Baby, please don't be angry. I really love you" and I'm like thinking that's all you can say? and I only replied him "Actions speaks louder than words, goodnight!"

 

Since then i know his W and son moved home, I saw social media; but he hasn't came online our chat app (he only uses that for me, not whatsapp), hasn't read our text msgs at all. That was 15 hours ago.

[Tessa111]

Thanks everyone for your reply.

 

The last few days have been a little rough for me. Its been a rollercoaster of emotion.

 

MM and I had a fight, I felt neglected as since he had a fight with his W 4 days ago, she moved out to her friend's house near their home with his son.

 

The last few days he was out partying with his friends and didn't even make time to see me (though granted these plans were made in advance, he had told me about it)

 

Yesterday I told him that I was hoping to spend more time with him that she moved out, then he told me that their mutual friend had convinced her to come home (He didn't even try to bring her home at all for the few days she was away)

 

So i got annoyed and told him that I felt he didn't love me and that his actions and words didn't tally. I sent a longggg text, he only replied with "Baby, please don't be angry. I really love you" and I'm like thinking that's all you can say? and I only replied him "Actions speaks louder than words, goodnight!"

 

Since then i know his W and son moved home, I saw social media; but he hasn't came online our chat app (he only uses that for me, not whatsapp), hasn't read our text msgs at all. That was 15 hours ago.

 

 

I'm sorry you feel hurt, it really does suck I don't think he has any plans to leave or to put you first - his actions are really speaking loudly here. Most people who are legit will definitely want to see you when they have the chance.

 

Try to move on, I know how hard it is though, believe me.

[Vivir]

You say his wife and son moved out for a few days? And he wasn't falling over himself to see you?

 

This behavior speaks to at least two things:

 

1. During this time, he was FREE! Or at least, he could pretend to be.

 

2. The affair with you could be what makes married life bearable for him; thus, your usefulness to him deteriorates dramatically if there is no marriage. In other words, he needs you around when she is around. If she is not around, he needs you far less.

 

You deserve better than this.

[foxtrot4]

I'm sorry you feel hurt, it really does suck I don't think he has any plans to leave or to put you first - his actions are really speaking loudly here. Most people who are legit will definitely want to see you when they have the chance.

 

Try to move on, I know how hard it is though, believe me.

 

 

Thanks Tessa111, I totally agree. If he wanted to see me, he would have even found at least an hour or two out of his busy time to find me.

 

Yeah, i'm trying to move on. I can't do cold turkey right now I guess. But I'll take small steps forward. My first to do is to be less emotionally attached to MM.