Obsessed with my husband's ex

[glittergurl]

I don't know what to do. My husband and I met 2 years ago, he had a girlfriend and I pushed him to dump her because she was really mean and cold to him. He eventually dumped her for me. It all went pretty quick. 6 or 7 months after we got together, I found out he had kept her on messenger, and that they still talked once in a while. I was furious! How could they be talking behind my back?

 

We talked about it several times, and he told me he just needed to talk to her, like he needed answers or something. I mean, I know the split up was fast, but what more did he need?

 

Anyway, I tried not to worry about it, and forced myself not to bring it up again. I figured: "if he needs answers, I have to let him do his own thing, and it will eventually stop". But last year, I was gone on a business trip for a while; when I came back, I found out they had had lunch together! SHOCK How could he? Behind my back! I freaked out again, and he told me that's exactly why he hadn't told me. I couldn't help it, it hurt so bad, it really felt like a slap in the face.

 

Everybody assured me nothing had happened (some of his friends were there), and told me that they had just been talking. Still, I would have liked to know about it, instead of finding it out afterwards, like some kind of secret. This really messed up my trust in him.

 

Part of me knew he wouldn't cheat on me, not physically. But it puzzles me so much to know how he really feels about her. It hurts.

 

We finally got married 5 months ago. Two months ago, I found a chat conversation on his laptop ... he was asking her if it was okay for him to marry me! He said that I really loved him; as if it was the best decision or something. No word about how he felt about me. I was so hurt again.

 

A few weeks later, I can't remember why, we were talking and I asked: "So am I the one you've loved the most in your life?" Which I figured was a pretty sweet question, which would be followed by a sweet answer, as we had just gotten married. He looked embarassed and said: "You know, we shouldn't ask eachother this type of questions." I was speachless, and so hurt.

 

Last month, he started bringing up the idea of meeting her some time. I said "No way". He then said : "she said you could come too". I didn't know what to do. I mean, I wouldn't let him go there alone, but I didn't want to meet her either. I said "we'll see", and we didn't talk about it anymore. But I know it will come up again eventually.

 

A couple of days ago, I got so insecure again, I finally decided to add her to my messenger. Don't ask me why, I don't even have a clue what I'd tell her. I'm stuck, somebody help me. It feels so unhealthy, at least for myself as I now keep my mouth shut about it. He doesn't know it still bothers me, I don't want him to think I'm being a baby about it all.

 

It's been two years, I feel like they'll be in touch forever. I can't take this much longer.

[mopar crazy]

Sorry, but there is no reason that he needs to keep in contact w/ his ex like this. If he sees her in public it's fine to say hello, and maybe talk for a little bit but to be calling or chatting is just wrong. You two are M now, if he wants to talk to someone, it should be you. If he needs to have friends to talk to about things, it shouldn't be other women. He needs to put a stop to the chatting and calling. How would he feel if you were doing this w/ your ex? I am sure he wouldn't like it too much.

 

When I met my H he was also dating his HS/college sweetheart. We were both seeing eachother but it wasn't serious so we broke it off w/ them to see eachother. Two weeks after we got M she called him and wanted to talk to him about her man problems, said he was the only one she could talk to. I was soooooo pi$$ed. I just stood there and listened to every word he said to her. I was very upset and he knew it. Ever since then she had never contacted him again and I never spoke to her again. She wont even come to any of the HS reunions anymore.

 

You need to put a stop to this. If he isn't willing to stop the phone calls and chatting then he needs to be kicked to the curb. He may not be having a physical affair but it sounds like it could be an emotional affair. It needs to stop or your M is going to fail.

[glittergurl]

Thank you so much for your feedback. I actually talked to her today. I stayed calm because I didn't want to sound like some hysterical freak. So, I asked her nicely if she would stop talking to my husband. She said she didn't know it bothered me, and that she would stop. She also apologized.

 

I guess it's all good now. I don't know. I probably need to talk it out with him as well, but I don't want to. It gets on his nerves when I bring it up. He doesn't understand how it can upset me.

[dumbluck05]

You should be careful about the situation. Why was your H getting mad at you for asking questions? In my experiences this means they are hiding something. I am dealing with similar issues right know with my husband and I am having a hard time justifying things. You may want to dig a little deeper and always be on your guard. He may be innocent but a lot of times it's the men you think are least likely to do something. Best of luck to you!!

[Thinkalot]

This situation would make me VERY uncomfortable...especially the way he wouldn't tell you he loves YOU more than he's loved anyone! shouldn't that be the case, given he's married you... I know that's what I'd want to be hearing.

You most definately need to be able to talk to him about this...or it will remain wedged there, like a little stone, wearing things down below the surface. That's what I think anyway. he needs to have closed the door on that chapter in his life...emotionally I mean.

[glittergurl]

Well, I must say that talking to her helped a lot. I mean, maybe not the situation; but my mind feels more peaceful. I am staying on my guards though. I don't want to bring it up now; things are good with my husband, and I don't want to throw it into a conversation like it's coming out of the blue.

 

There is probably a certain degree of paranoia coming from my part; so now I'm just waiting to see. I'm glad I told her what was bothering me, it's like my worries feel much lighter now (if that makes sense?). The conversation was short, but she told me what I needed to hear, and that was enough.

 

Thanks for your feedback though, I REALLY appreciate it!

 

dumbluck05, what exactly is the situation with your husband?

[Thinkalot]

glad things feel easier for you....and yep, just see how things go. Good luck to you.

[sugar-rae]

Well, I must say that talking to her helped a lot. I mean, maybe not the situation; but my mind feels more peaceful.

 

I would be wary about what SHE says. Just because she says she won't talk with him or she apologises that she has and it's bothered you, doesn't mean she will stop. How do you know she didn't go to him and tell him about you talking to her?

That could be why he gets upset when you ask him stuff about her.

 

I wouldn't give a rats a$$ whether he gets mad or not! He shouldn't even be angry with you about asking him to reassure you of his love FOR YOU.

I hear warning bells on this.

[a4a]

WOW Glitter!

 

I would be so pissed! You handled it well so far! Great you went to the cause and confronted her directly. Wondering though about your husbands reaction to this? Seems like you have addressed 50% of the problem so far....... hats off to ya! You did what most people are far too terrified to ever do.

 

a4a

[glittergurl]

Holy Crap, why are all my old posts coming back up today? lol

 

Well, Sugar Rae, I had a VERY LONNGGGGGG discussion about it with him a couple of nights ago. It was the most horrible thing I've ever been through with him, but it was very well worth it.

 

The thing is; she didn't lie to me. She completely stopped talking to him, blocked him on messenger, etc; and well, he just started noticing ... I wasn't gonna lie about it, so I told him that it bothered me so much, I felt like I had no other choice. He got REALLY mad. I told him he wouldn't have stopped even if I had begged him; and he said he would have. It was a very long conversation and we discussed a lot of points, so I'll keep it short: after he calmed down, he said he was just pi$$ed that I had done this behind his back and that he now had no other choice. He said he would have liked to slowly cut contacts instead, because she used to be a good friend.

 

I told him if it really upset him he could always contact her again; but that I wasn't going to approve it and that this would have very negative effects on our relationship.

 

He calmed down, we talked a bit more, and he eventually said: "Alright, let's leave the past to the past and only look forward from now on." He said that since she had blocked him, he wasn't gonna try to change it. I told him flat out that if, at some point, he was gonna talk to her again, I'd rather have him tell me instead of hiding it from me. I told him that if I ever find out about anything that he did not tell me, well, I would basically not put up with it anymore. Which implied me leaving. (although I'm not sure I would, but ah well)

 

As I said, it was a 3 or 4 hour conversation; so this is the whole thing in a nutshell and I'm probably leaving a lot of points out. I think he finally understood. I don't think he lied to me about not talking to her again; I have a good feeling about it. It was hard, and I hope I'll never have to go through this kind of discussion with him again, ever. But I'm glad we did it. She's the only thing that's been bothering me about our relationship from the start; and now that she's out of the picture, I feel like I can finally start having a peaceful mind about it all.

[a4a]

BTW Glitter you are not obsessed and you are not paranoid! There is something happening here! It may not be physical but it is an affair of sorts. I certainly would not allow an open relationship with this woman.......and that is basically what he is requesting from you by meeting up with her... seeking your approval to continue this relationship by setting up meeting with all of you is a tad inconsiderate and selfish on his part.

[sugar-rae]

Holy Crap, why are all my old posts coming back up today? lol

 

Well, Sugar Rae, I had a VERY LONNGGGGGG discussion about it with him a couple of nights ago. It was the most horrible thing I've ever been through with him, but it was very well worth it.

 

The thing is; she didn't lie to me. She completely stopped talking to him, blocked him on messenger, etc; and well, he just started noticing ... I wasn't gonna lie about it, so I told him that it bothered me so much, I felt like I had no other choice. He got REALLY mad. I told him he wouldn't have stopped even if I had begged him; and he said he would have. It was a very long conversation and we discussed a lot of points, so I'll keep it short: after he calmed down, he said he was just pi$$ed that I had done this behind his back and that he now had no other choice. He said he would have liked to slowly cut contacts instead, because she used to be a good friend.

 

I told him if it really upset him he could always contact her again; but that I wasn't going to approve it and that this would have very negative effects on our relationship.

 

He calmed down, we talked a bit more, and he eventually said: "Alright, let's leave the past to the past and only look forward from now on." He said that since she had blocked him, he wasn't gonna try to change it. I told him flat out that if, at some point, he was gonna talk to her again, I'd rather have him tell me instead of hiding it from me. I told him that if I ever find out about anything that he did not tell me, well, I would basically not put up with it anymore. Which implied me leaving. (although I'm not sure I would, but ah well)

 

As I said, it was a 3 or 4 hour conversation; so this is the whole thing in a nutshell and I'm probably leaving a lot of points out. I think he finally understood. I don't think he lied to me about not talking to her again; I have a good feeling about it. It was hard, and I hope I'll never have to go through this kind of discussion with him again, ever. But I'm glad we did it. She's the only thing that's been bothering me about our relationship from the start; and now that she's out of the picture, I feel like I can finally start having a peaceful mind about it all.

 

Well, I'm just glad you put your foot down. I was very concerned with his getting mad over something YOU had the right to be mad over, not him.

 

If this woman sticks to her guns and refuses any overtures on his part (if he tries to)at staying friends, then she's got a brain in her head and obviously isn't interested in him "like that" anymore.

 

Just keep a watch on all sides for a while, JUST IN CASE. I say this because of what I've gone through and I am a bit of a skeptic now. For me , it's better safe than sorry, ya know?

 

I don't believe in guys having friends that are women, tho'. Unless they're related. lol

I don't see me being chums with some guy (cute or not) and discussing "things". That's what spouses are for. We should be able to talk with our spouses about anything.

 

I hope he will do you right. You seem like a nice girl who cares about her man and you deserve to be treated right.

[glittergurl]

Aww thanks suger rae Yes, I definitely hope this chapter is over for good. We have a good life together, I would hate for something stupid to mess it up if I can avoid it. I think, even unconsciously, I will always keep my eyes open. But I also think he understands me now. Men are so retarded sometimes.

[sugar-rae]

Aww thanks suger rae Yes, I definitely hope this chapter is over for good. We have a good life together, I would hate for something stupid to mess it up if I can avoid it. I think, even unconsciously, I will always keep my eyes open. But I also think he understands me now. Men are so retarded sometimes.

 

They can be.. lol