3.5 months later and I still can’t let go. !!

[Melissa_J]

It’s been 3.5 months since my breakup. Some of why we broke up is still unclear but it’s mostly that he lost interest in me and just didn’t have strong feelings for me. We dated for almost a year and he told me that I love him more than he loves me. For some reason I just can’t let go of this relationship and continuously make a fool of myself.

 

I’ve attempted no contact numerous times once for a whole month, other times for just a week or a few days. I do it all -block him, delete his number, erase everything. But the thoughts of him just don’t stop and I end up convincing myself that if I reach out again maybe he’ll have had a change of heart even though logically I know he would reach out to me if that was the case. Anyway I’ve tried it all, telling him I only want to be friends, then other times telling him I still love him and want him back.

 

Every time I reach out he’s been very cold and says he doesn’t want to be rude and not respond but he doesn’t want to lead me on by responding and then ends the conversation there. I just cracked again today after about two weeks. I got the same reply and I know I need to stop but I just can’t. Even if I got rid of my phone and deleted all of my social media I’m scared one of my less stable days I’d just show up at his house or something.

 

I’ve truly applied no contact to the fullest - no information exchange, blocked on everything, and focused 100% on myself. I’ve been going to the gym, I got a new job (my dream job) I even got a dog who has brought me so much joy but for some reason the thoughts of him do not subside. In fact they get stronger and I just get overwhelmed with wanting to reach out so bad that’s it’s all I can think about until I just unblock him and send him a message. For some reason I can’t convince myself that he really is done with me.

 

I guess it’s hard for me to grasp the idea that if I was so happy and in love how was it true that he wasn’t also feeling the same way? There was no betrayal or big fights or lack of sex. I just don’t get it still. I know that’s besides the point now - I’ll never fully understand, and I just need to move on. But I keep telling myself he just needed some time apart and that he’s probably missing me too, but too proud to reach out.

 

How do I stop this cycle and move on from him once and for all? Please any advice you can gave helps. I can’t go through getting my heart broken over and over because if I could just stop I would!

Edited February 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[skanzer]

I think you have to realize something very important.

 

You can't blame your personal weakness/tendency to become obsessed with someone in an unhealthy way, on the other individual. He has moved on, and you're running in circles. You have to realize, and accept, it's not because of HIM that this is happening, it's you. You need to realize your own actions and take responsibility for them.

 

It is over, he moved on. You are acting quite foolishly, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel from what I can see from this (based on my limited input via your post).

 

My advice: take responsibility for your actions. If you act desperate, it's not his fault, it's yours. Accept the reality, he has moved on, so should you. Stop trying to excuse or justify your actions. You should work on yourself, before even thinking of stepping foot in another relationship.

[Normm]

I obviously don't know you outside of a long unbroken paragraph of text on an internet discussion board and I'm no psychiatrist, but if you feel that extreme anxiety may be the cause of your out of control emotions, consider a medical consult for something short term to calm you down and break the cycle. That's what it sounds like to me.

[Grisha]

It’s crazy because I was just about to post a thread titled “finally got over my ex after 3.5 months of no contact”

We dated for about a year.I was head over heels for her and we never argued. The relationship felt perfect.

She was the best I ever had.

 

Our situations seem almost exact so I think this advice will help you.

1. Realize he was never fully in love with you even if he claimed to be. Some people go into relationships and stay in relationships hoping to one day feel 100% but after awhile they realize it’ll never happen.

2. Never contact him again. I feel that after going no contact for 3 months was the best way I got over her. Even 2 months into no contact I was still crying over her but I kept telling myself if she loved me and wanted to be with me she would come back 100%.

 

3. Realize this can take many months and it’s normal. Eventually the thoughts and memories will fade away. That amazing day together will feel almost forgotten.

4. Just because it felt great to you doesn’t mean it felt that way to him.

 

Ik this because I’ve been on both ends. I stayed with a great person for a long time wishing one day I’d be in love with her as much as she was with me. It sucked because I realized after a year that I was wasting both of our time. When we broke up it was hard and I was trying to be as nice as possible and I responded to her texts because I felt bad. But I was never going to go back with her even if I felt 90% sure she was the one. I respected her so much that I didn’t want to ever risk hurting her again.

 

5. Keep working on yourself. Don’t do it because you think it’ll make him come back. Do it for yourself.

You’ll be okay in time. That time won’t start until you lose hope. You have to lose hope first. It has always taken me at least 4 months of no contact to fully heal. Try 4 months.

Edited February 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Melissa_J]

Thank you I needed the tough love. I know I’m being pathetic and desperate and I need to accept that he has moved on and do the same. I just reinitiated no contact and am going to work on being stronger than this. It is all me I know that and I need to help myself first.

[Melissa_J]

Thank you for the reply it’s nice to hear someone at the same point as me (in a different situation). It certainly hurts more knowing that the relationship didn’t work because I wasn’t lovable enough. I’m going to give this more time and stay strong with no contact. I just blocked him again on everything and am feeling optimistic about just focusing on myself for a while.

 

Could I ask another piece of advice? I am very nervous that my new job is right by his house and my lease is almost up so I’m probably going to me moving to his neigborhood. I’m scared that it will trigger the daily thoughts of him and I might have to run into him or his friends. Should I stay in this neighborhood where I have a few friends but it will be an hour commute? Or move to be closer to work and not inconvenience my life just to avoid him?

[Normm]

Or move to be closer to work and not inconvenience my life just to avoid him?

 

 

Move closer to your job, don't live your life around him and see your md about an Rx for xanax.

[BC1980]

Move closer to your job. It's doubtful you will see your ex just because he lives near you. How to stop contacting him? At some point, your self-respect and pride has to become a factor.

[lonewolf88]

3.5 months for what you're describing isn't that long. It's a little longer than average but still normal.

 

I went through a difficult break up a few years ago so I feel your pain. Nothing was really "wrong" he just felt we got too close than he was expecting to so he ended it. He didn't do it nicely either.

 

It gave me extreme anxiety running around in circles in my head looking for answers, just like you. It drove me crazy. I had so much trouble sleeping because i was so caught up in trying to analyze what went wrong.

 

The truth is sometimes nothing really went wrong, nothing was your fault people just aren't really committed these days and that messes with our feelings. Humans are tribal animals and to be shunned feels like death. If you two were cave people and he just "decided" he doesn't want to be with you anymore you might literally die. So your brain and body have a strong need to know what went wrong and get your boyfriend (lifeline) back.

 

However now it's 2019 people break up with each other aftet sex for no reason. It's very hard. You had that intimate connection, now it's severed. On his part he may have liked you a lot but it's tough to commit and the smallest cold feet feeling could scare him off, nothing to do with you, just he wasn't looking for that settled down life just yet.

 

Eventually i told my Doctor and I'm happy I did. He prescribed me some sleeping medicine/antidepressant and I took it for about 3 months along with journaling and practicing CBT techniques. The way I look at it you're just not meant to go through this trauma by yourself. Play with your new dog, get all the help you need, take your time and care of yourself.

[FMW]

It certainly hurts more knowing that the relationship didn’t work because I wasn’t lovable enough.

 

You have to stop thinking that way, it's not true. You simply weren't a good match. It's hard to accept because you felt you were, but likely you were overlooking things that indicated otherwise.

 

You are perfectly lovable and other guys will see that. This guy just wasn't the right one for you.