SecretStar Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 I'm going to own the fact that I have been playing with fire. I haven't had a PA yet but I did have an EA. I encouraged it subtly. I want to own that and the fact that I very nearly caused a disaster. I just am wondering why I never heard a warning? My parents both cheated on each other so, I know first hand how destructive cheating is. However, I have been completely unprepared to manage the wild impulses that I have been having as a woman in her 40s. Those hormones and fantasy thoughts are powerful! My rational mind knows that I would be an ******* if I acted on these urges. I do realize that doing the hard work of maintaining my marriage is one part of the solution but damn, these urges are strong. I am sharing this here because I really don't think women talk about this often enough. We should be forewarned that sometimes it's hard to fight base urges. It's easy to be weak and to become a cheater. It's a lot more work to do the right thing. I don't want to be an *******. I swear that's a necessary daily mantra. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 You need to evaluate what you have and whether you want to lose it. And you need to understand that if you really love someone, the very last thing you want to do to them is hurt them. That's love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SecretStar Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 You need to evaluate what you have and whether you want to lose it. And you need to understand that if you really love someone, the very last thing you want to do to them is hurt them. That's love. I absolutely agree. My rational mind understands this completely. I continue to fight off urges. It sucks. So far, I have done the right thing. The urges come back now and then and everytime I come back here for some grounding and a dose of reality. Thank goodness for this forum Link to post Share on other sites
NotADayGoesBy Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 However, I have been completely unprepared to manage the wild impulses that I have been having as a woman in her 40s. Those hormones and fantasy thoughts are powerful! My rational mind knows that I would be an ******* if I acted on these urges. I do realize that doing the hard work of maintaining my marriage is one part of the solution but damn, these urges are strong. I am sharing this here because I really don't think women talk about this often enough. We should be forewarned that sometimes it's hard to fight base urges. I agree 100%...I was completely unprepared to experience exactly what you described above. And unfortunately I was an ass and did act on my urges (once). Honestly though, the damage was already done from the EA part. I had no idea I was capable of having such feelings or such sexual urges again. I loved having that part of me back but obviously hate it too. I wish it was something that could be talked about openly. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 ... but damn, these urges are strong. I am sharing this here because I really don't think women talk about this often enough. Yes, I think women's sexuality is somewhat taboo to this day and is rarely discussed in polite circles. It's common for women to long for the spark and excitement of a new relationship, and obviously this is a problem if they are married. The trick is keeping the spark in your own marriage, and being open and honest with your spouse about your sexual likes and dislikes, fantasies, etc. Keeping that bottled up and trying to be a prim and proper wife can backfire, because it can make the excitement of an affair intoxicating to the senses, and rekindle sexual desire and pleasure in an extreme way and create the perfect conditions for limerence to take root, and we have all seen how destructive in can be in the wrong circumstances. My advice would be to let your hair down in the bedroom, push the envelope a bit to keep things fresh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SecretStar Posted February 8, 2019 Author Share Posted February 8, 2019 Yes, I think women's sexuality is somewhat taboo to this day and is rarely discussed in polite circles. My advice would be to let your hair down in the bedroom, push the envelope a bit to keep things fresh. Honestly, my libido is off the charts and I have no complaints even though DH is 12yrs older than me. We have great sex but I often crave more. I understand that there are ways to get the stimulation I need without resorting to a PA but it's really hard to resist temptation while being in this state. I simultaneously want to keep this up and want it to end! I really need that mantra and grounding pretty regularly. Just keep focused on what kind of human I want to be and what I could lose. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 Honestly, my libido is off the charts It's a tough situation, and I understand your frustration. Have you talked to DH about it? Probably not much more he can do other than stock up on Viagra I hope you can find a way to resolve this problem that your husband approves of, and doesn't wreck your happy marriage. On a side note, when I hear about women who don't enjoy sex, I think they just don't enjoy sex with their husband or S.O. That is why women can be so shocked at their sexual reawakening in an affair. It was there all along, but just dormant because they lost attraction to their husband for whatever reason. Link to post Share on other sites
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