boyfriend being distant after saying I love you **Updated**

[preraph]

He doesn't want a commitment to you or to anyone yet. He's not ready. I love you is not a commitment. And it's a fleeting thing, sadly. You need to date other people if you're wanting a serious relationship this young. He wants to keep his options open, and honestly, at his age, he should. If you are living together, you need to move out separately and each have some freedom.

[stillafool]

That sounds like exactly what you're doing.

 

Accept the possibility that he may be in the process of dumping you and have enough self respect, self esteem and be secure enough with yourself that you know you'll be fine. You've invested way too much in this guy already and it's not really about him it's about you.

 

This is what seems to be happening to me. He wants to break up.

Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hope18]

He doesn't want a commitment to you or to anyone yet. He's not ready. I love you is not a commitment. And it's a fleeting thing, sadly. You need to date other people if you're wanting a serious relationship this young. He wants to keep his options open, and honestly, at his age, he should. If you are living together, you need to move out separately and each have some freedom.

 

If that was true though he's an honest guy (when he finally opens up) and he would have ended things the other night. He's not the kind of guy to beat around the bush. He also wouldn't lie to me and directly say "I don't want to break up" on his own. If I had said "do you want to break up?" and he said no then I would be more suspicious of his intentions because that situation would more likely be him trying to protect my feelings.

 

I specifically told him that night that if he ever has anything on his mind when it comes to us then to just be honest with me because I would rather know than wonder and he said that he would tell me if anything ever came up, so that would have given him the perfect opportunity to end things over the last two days. We aren't living together, but we (usually) spend all of our free time together and he usually asks me to stay over at his place a few times a week.

[Normm]

if this situation was suddenly dropped on anyone else I can guarantee that unless they have the ability to turn off their emotions they would be just as anxious and stressed as I am right now.

 

 

I guarantee you'd be wrong. You levels of insecurity, stress and anxiety are not normal.

[hope18]

This is what seems to be happening to me. He wants to break up.

 

I would also like to reiterate that he's still hanging out with me, asking me to grab breakfast between classes, coming over last night etc. He still laughs and stuff in person and will lay on my shoulder or something physical like that it's just that he's not as affectionate in the way he used to be, especially when we aren't physically together. I feel like if he were trying to break up he would be avoiding seeing me, let alone being the one to initiate every time we hangout.

[smackie9]

Yes I'm still doing it because we share a life together and have for 6 months now and any person who isn't scared of losing someone who has become that important to them has problems... I am living my life, I'm not sitting in my room waiting on him. But that doesn't stop the anxiety and fear and worry that comes from the unknown and the possibility of losing someone you love.

 

It's easy for people to sit behind a computer screen and say "stop obsessing, go live your life" but if this situation was suddenly dropped on anyone else I can guarantee that unless they have the ability to turn off their emotions they would be just as anxious and stressed as I am right now.

The thing is we have all gone through it too. It's the "If I had known then what I know now...". In the past I obsessed over a guy, and I wished someone had talked some sense to me then. That is why a lot of us do this...most, like myself, never had the guidance and suffered through it alone. 6 months is nothing, I had to abandon a 5 year relationship.

[SophieG]

If you are so sure he’s into you, doesn’t want to break up and is invested in the relationship, why stress and overthink everything he does?! If you’re 100% that being in a relationship with you is what he wants, I don’t understand why you are so affected by those small changes in behaviors.

[hope18]

If you are so sure he’s into you, doesn’t want to break up and is invested in the relationship, why stress and overthink everything he does?! If you’re 100% that being in a relationship with you is what he wants, I don’t understand why you are so affected by those small changes in behaviors.

 

because I am not sure why he is behaving the way he is. I truly believe if he wanted to break up with me he would have done it. But naturally when he acts distant my mind goes to the worst places.

[Normm]

naturally when he acts distant my mind goes to the worst places.

 

 

That's not natural.

[SophieG]

because I am not sure why he is behaving the way he is. I truly believe if he wanted to break up with me he would have done it. But naturally when he acts distant my mind goes to the worst places.

 

I get it, I do the same thing. Then I tell myself that if he wants to break up with me, I’ll survive. It will hurt, but I’ll survive. By doing that, I stop over analyzing every single detail, and I usually realize that I’ve been overreacting for nothing because things get into place a couple of days later. We can’t always act the same every single day. My bf didn’t write to me in 12 hours yesterday (I texted him at 6h30am and got an answer at 7pm). If lived did my things and talked to him when he called me at night, I didn’t let his lack of answer eat at me...

If you really think he’s not about to break up with you, then let things go and you’ll see how it goes.

[edgygirl]

Sadly I see myself in you. It mainly happens when you’re with someone who is an avoidant type. It triggers anxiety, hypervigilance and fear of abandonment through the roof in a way that is hard for most people to get as it seems so irrational.

 

I found out I probably have fearful-avoidant attachment style. It makes us overthink things at any slight sign of change of behavior in partners. Do some research on attachment styles, might help you understand your anxiety.

 

You're clearly overthinking instead of, say, living your life and let the universe work things out. There’s nothing you can do if he wants to breakup, so your anxiety will only change the energy and push him away anyway. If you’re like me with an insecure attachment style I don’t blame you as it’s an unconscious process, but if so, read on it to start understating.

 

because I am not sure why he is behaving the way he is. I truly believe if he wanted to break up with me he would have done it. But naturally when he acts distant my mind goes to the worst places.

[hope18]

Ok wow... I've been reading a lot on this subject (I'm a psychology major so I should have picked up on some of this lol) and I found the avoidant-attachment style which literally describes our relationship and personalities nearly word for word. This makes me feel so much better honestly being able to pinpoint what is going through my head so that I can hopefully step back and manage this before I self sabotage this relationship.

Edited February 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[kendahke]

I just don't understand if he were breaking up with me why he would initiate a conversation less than two days ago and specifically say he doesn't want to breakup without me even prompting him to say that.

 

Because he was warning you that that is exactly the route he intends on taking. If he wasn't thinking of breaking up with you, then he wouldn't have mentioned not wanting to break up with you out of the blue. Why would anyone have a conversation about breaking up with someone if everything was really good? Like, isn't that the last thing you'd bring up if you were satisfied with everything?

 

 

If he were breaking up with me I feel like he would have done it instead of telling me he meant it when he said he loves me and putting energy into a really long and serious talk about the relationship, where it's headed, what his fears are etc, I feel like it would have been easier for him to just cut it off there.

 

Try to understand this: how you think or feel something should play out isn't the same as how he thinks or feels how something should play out. Don't try to climb in his head to negate what is happening.

 

If I had prompted the conversation in any way I can see why he would put it off, but he's the one who initiated everything and even the last few days when we do hangout he's the one who asks, it's just that the way he is around me is different lately.

 

Watch and observe his behavior. What he says is really meaningless right now--it's what his actions tell you.

[edgygirl]

Happy you’re finding out at this age. Took me decades of sabotaging relationships until finally coming accross it last year. For me it explained it all. I don’t think most psychologists specialize in attachment so it would make sense if they don’t even teach that in school.

 

Ok wow... I've been reading a lot on this subject (I'm a psychology major so I should have picked up on some of this lol) and I found the avoidant-attachment style which literally describes our relationship and personalities nearly word for word. This makes me feel so much better honestly being able to pinpoint what is going through my head so that I can hopefully step back and manage this before I self sabotage this relationship.

 

This is what avoidants attached style people do in relationships... they push people away even when they like them.

 

Because he was warning you that that is exactly the route he intends on taking. If he wasn't thinking of breaking up with you, then he wouldn't have mentioned not wanting to break up with you out of the blue. Why would anyone have a conversation about breaking up with someone if everything was really good? Like, isn't that the last thing you'd bring up if you were satisfied with everything?

Edited February 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hope18]

Because he was warning you that that is exactly the route he intends on taking. If he wasn't thinking of breaking up with you, then he wouldn't have mentioned not wanting to break up with you out of the blue. Why would anyone have a conversation about breaking up with someone if everything was really good? Like, isn't that the last thing you'd bring up if you were satisfied with everything?

 

He brought it up because 5 friends/couples we know of just broke up last week within two days so he was reassuring me that isn't what he was doing because he knew that scared me a bit and it scared him too.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think he's necessarily scared or avoidant.

 

I think he's just a young and inexperienced guy, who likes you enough to keep dating you, but isn't looking for a very serious relationship either.

 

You're not overthinking him pulling away at this point. Not even hugging or kissing your own girlfriend for days is a pretty clear sign that his words aren't truly reflecting how he feels. His actions are speaking more loudly here.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I just don't understand if he were breaking up with me why he would initiate a conversation less than two days ago and specifically say he doesn't want to breakup without me even prompting him to say that.

 

This can happen all the time. The person says you aren't breaking up, then says they aren't "ready" for a relationship and essentially end up ghosting you. I've had this happen. Guy was distant, I asked him if he wanted to break up, he says no. Keeps being distant then admits he isn't "ready" for a relationship. Look at things he is doing, not saying, if he is distant that shows something is going on.

[olivetree]

Avoidance did cross my mind, but I'm not sure if he's avoidant or if he's just young and conflicted as he really likes you but doesn't want to get too serious.

 

Either way, it is not good news.

If he's avoidant with you, that is the worst match for someone who tends to be anxious - your anxiety will get worse.

If he doesn't want to get serious, also not good since you seem to want to.

 

In both cases the end result is inconsistent behaviour from him and anxiety for you.

[kendahke]

He brought it up because 5 friends/couples we know of just broke up last week within two days so he was reassuring me that isn't what he was doing because he knew that scared me a bit and it scared him too.

 

But the thing is: this is exactly what he is doing, whether or not it scares him, you, the cat, the dog--who/whatever else. He's doing it.

 

Watch his actions, not what he says. He will tell you anything to keep that hook in your cheek.

[hope18]

For those of you that have been following my thread the last few days, he broke up with me yesterday. I cannot wrap my mind around this, I just can't. Thread link:

Boyfriend Distant After Saying I Love You **Updated**

 

He said that he lost feelings for me. But that makes absolutely zero sense. How do you lose feelings for someone days after saying I love you for the first time? I could understand if he had been distant for weeks or we were having issues before this, but everything was PERFECT. Just a few days ago he was wanting to spend every free second he had with me, talking to me 24/7. This past month we were the happiest we've ever been. And then he tells me he loves me, two days later we have a serious conversation about communication, and then it's just over?

 

I told him I don't buy it. He said there's no "hidden meaning," he just doesn't have feelings anymore. But the funny thing is, this is a MIRROR image of what happened with us back in October. Things were going really great, he got distant for a few days so I was honest with him about how it bothered me, the next day he ended it saying he lost feelings for me. And then he was back 2.5 weeks later wanting to try again and admitted that he never actually lost feelings.

 

My therapist says unless he's a robot or a freaking amazing actor there is no way someone completely loses feelings that quickly. She said it sounds like one of two things.

1)he gets scared whenever things start to get too deep or too serious and immediately cuts it off and runs, especially where I'm the first person he's ever had something meaningful with. (Even his relationships with his friends are all surface level and he's never been that close with his parents.)

 

2) His feelings were too strong and he didn't know how to handle them

and after saying he loved me he ended up panicking after being so

vulnerable where he's usually a closed off guy.

 

I don't know if either of these are the case, but it makes more sense than going from where things were just days ago to absolutely nothing now.

 

The breakup was a quick conversation before he had to catch a bus to a game, but he said we could talk more if I wanted so I texted him last night saying "hey, I would like to meet up again when you get back from the game to end things on better terms and give you some of your stuff back." and he immediately responded "yes I was going to say the same thing, we can meet later." so I told him to let me know when he got back and by the time he got back to campus it was too late at night (our dorms kick the opposite sex out by 12am on weeknights). He said he would try meeting with me today, but I haven't heard a word from him.

 

I want to be on good terms especially because we have the same friends. I don't want to break up and have things be unnecessarily nasty or awkward, it's not like one of us cheated. But I will not drag this out and I'm not going to push him to talk. He knows I want to and he knows where to find me but he doesn't get to keep me waiting on him even after breaking up with me.

 

I'm just so lost right now and I have no clue how this happened. I really do think he just has a huge fear of commitment on top of the fact that he's never felt this way about anyone so when things get serious, just like back in October, he runs. The only difference now is I gave him his second chance, and I will not put myself through that again so if he decides to come back like he did last time it's too bad. Idk how I'm going to get over this it's unbearable and I feel like I'm keeping myself as busy as possible because I don't want to stop and feel everything.

Edited February 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Moved to BBU and added link to dating experience.

[Normm]

What your therapist told you makes perfect sense.

 

Hang in there, it gets better.

Edited February 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing

[hope18]

I hope it does, because I've been through breakups but this is hell.

Edited February 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post

[Curiousroxy86]

I'm telling you. You have to take a mans "I love you" with a grain of salt. Not saying this dude lied to you but the fact of the matter is many men say it without really understanding the meaning. I know this hurts. Focus on moving on and judge a guys actions towards you over time hun.

[olivetree]

Very sorry to hear that.

You must be very hurt and confused.

 

As your therapist said, it does sound like he has intimacy issues and is afraid of being close.

Unfortunately they are for him to figure out, and since he is quite young, he probably won't for a long time.

 

Although it's nice to understand, it can be unhelpful in some ways to diagnose someone because you end up putting up with a lot (out of understanding) when really you need to focus on how his behaviour makes you feel and set your own boundaries.

You've been anxious throughout this relationship and being with someone avoidant sets YOU back in your own development.

 

If he comes back again, you need to not let him waltz right back in your life.

He needs to prove he has the motivation to work out his issues or you will be abandoned again.

But like I said, since he is young, it's probably going to take a lot of failed relationships to get to that point of conquering his fears.

 

I speak from experience, having gone through this cycle many times with my fiance who finally overcame his avoidance.

[hope18]

Thank you, if he decides to come back even with promises of change I don't think I could say yes. He had his second chance, and you're right that the issues he has will likely take a very, very long time to fix. And this is what I need to remind myself of when I get scared of him moving on, even if he gets in another relationship he will still be the same guy towards her. I need someone who can support me and enhance my life, not bring me down with him.

Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote