boyfriend being distant after saying I love you **Updated**

[hope18]

There's just no need for it, honestly. No, he doesn't owe me anything, but that doesn't give him the right to go out of his way to intentionally make me feel like crap.

 

There's no reason for him to even still be talking to my friends, he has his own. It's not like he knew them before we were together. They never got close with him, he would just tag along and hangout with us. And now he's suddenly so desperate to be talking to and hanging out with them when he knows damn well I'll be there. I would never make them cut him off or vice versa, but it's not fair for him to go out of his way to make me feel like crap. I don't deserve it and I won't put up with it.

 

If it happens again I'm not planning on reacting, I'm just going to remove myself from the situation or at least act like I don't care. But I addressed it the other day so that if he wasn't aware of how he was making me feel he definitely is now and if he continues the behavior I'll know he's just being an a**.

[Normm]

If it happens again I'm not planning on reacting, I'm just going to remove myself from the situation or at least act like I don't care.

 

Perfect!....

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing

[hope18]

I'm giving you guys all of the updates because sometimes it just helps to get strangers perspectives on situations lol. I can't express how helpful you all have been through this.

 

Last night I was in the library by myself studying on one of the couches. Out of nowhere, he came up behind me and leaned over my shoulder against the back of the couch. He was like "hey whatchya studying?" We talked for like a minute, I tried to be as politely disinterested as I could, and he went and sat by himself somewhere else.

 

About 15 minutes later I went to use the bathroom. When I came back, he had moved his stuff and was sitting next to me on the couch. For about two hours he didn't say much. We had some normal conversation but other than that we just studied. I had my notes lying in between us on the couch, and every time I would look over at them I would catch him staring at me and he would immediately look away.

 

Again, he did not seem like himself. He's normally a very happy, energetic, sarcastic and outgoing guy. But he was very quiet and just seemed down. He didn't really flirt or anything, but at one point he told me a joke his coworker told him and he was like "but was that the highlight of my day? No."

 

I needed a power move, and since he wasn't really saying much I packed up my stuff and headed out. He was like "you're done...?" and I said yeah for the most part so I was going to head back. He was just like "oh..." and so I was like see ya and he was like and he said bye and rested his head in his hand which was propped on the arm of the couch. I wanted to be the one to leave so that it sent a message that I wasn't sitting around waiting for him or looking for an excuse to be next to him.

 

I'm feeling pretty good, I expected that this would give me hope that he's coming back, but it hasn't. Yes I do believe he still has feelings, but he isn't acting on them so unless he does I'm moving on and taking his word for it that he "lost feelings". I'm going to take this as him just trying to be friends like we agreed. I feel more confident about the situation, like the ball is in my court now since he's been the one initiating these interactions.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, best to just forget him.

 

He’s just playing games with you at this point. This type of thing almost never amounts to anything but the exact type of on-off situation you’ve already experienced with him.

 

One day, you will find happiness and a long-term boyfriend. It just won’t be this guy.

[Normm]

I would never take him back after the way he's treated me post-breakup

 

Not sure I believe you.

 

I expected that this would give me hope that he's coming back, but it hasn't. Yes I do believe he still has feelings, but he isn't acting on them so unless he does I'm moving on

 

I hate being right all the time.

[JuneL]

Let me provide a different (though by no means innovative) perspective. The guy has no feelings for you. But he also has expected you to chase after him and beg him to get back together. I think your not doing that as much as he has wanted is a blow to his ego. That’s why he’s doing all these odd things.

[hope18]

I hate being right all the time.

 

I still would not take him back. I mean engaging with him or trying to figure out what his intentions are. If he decided he wanted to have an actual conversation about things, then I would hear him out, but I wouldn't give him a third chance after all of this. Maybe a few weeks ago I would have, before he started all of this hot and cold, but not now. I deserve better. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't let him say what he has to say.

[hope18]

Yes, best to just forget him.

 

exactly, I don't mind being polite and having conversations with him (if he initiates them), but as far as anything more than that I'm done.

[hope18]

Let me provide a different (though by no means innovative) perspective. The guy has no feelings for you. But he also has expected you to chase after him and beg him to get back together. I think your not doing that as much as he has wanted is a blow to his ego. That’s why he’s doing all these odd things.

 

I suppose this makes sense, just seems like a lot of effort and wasted energy. I feel more like he just has no clue what he wants, so he acts on based how he's feeling in the moment. I know it is hard for anyone who doesn't know him to see, but he's not the kind of guy to intentionally screw with someone's head or play mind games. Yes that's what he's doing, but I think it's more out of his own confusion than anything intentional.

[TheFinalWord]

He said that he lost feelings for me. But that makes absolutely zero sense. How do you lose feelings for someone days after saying I love you for the first time? I could understand if he had been distant for weeks or we were

 

He said I love you to see if that would trigger an emotion in him. It's kind of similar to couples having a kid to salvage a relationship, though a lot less risky.

 

Another thing to keep in mind is what people say in a relationship, "I love you", "You're the best guy I've ever met"...only means something in that exact moment. It doesn't mean it holds true a second later. It's irrational, but emotions are irrational.

[hope18]

Bare with me, this is a long one.

 

But hey everyone, with this update please refrain from any kind of judgement, I really just need help.

 

Friday night we had a formal dance, I saw him there and one of my friends pointed out that he was with another girl. They were holding hands at one point, she had her head on his shoulder, she asked him to take pictures etc. He came over and said hi to me but I was so furious and hurt that I walked away without saying anything. I immediately/impulsively deleted him from social media as well. He texted my friend later asking "what the hell was that?" She told him why I was upset and his response was "that girl is literally just my friend from one of my classes, she has a boyfriend and she was drunk and I didn't want to leave her alone. Hope always jumps to conclusions and it always causes problems... please just tell her it was literally nothing, I don't want to message her and make things worse."

 

I felt really bad after this so I texted him Saturday morning and apologized for basically being a total b*tch to him, just that I was hurt and realized I'm not ready to be his friend and see him with another girl. He said he understood, that I'm allowed to feel how I feel and it just hurt him and confused him because he had no clue what happened and thought we were friends. I left it at that, but then he texted again and said "we can always talk about things..." and I said "I know, I just wouldn't know what to say to you or how to put anything I'm feeling into words." He asked if we could meet up, I had a friend from home over so I told him maybe later that night or the next day (Sunday) and that I would get back to him.

 

I texted him around 8 and said if he wanted to talk I was free, he texted back "I can't tonight, sorry". This stung a little, but I brushed it off and went out with friends and had a great night. As I was leaving a party in his building, I ran into him walking into the dorm, I said hey and so did he. I went back to my room with my friend and 20 minutes later I got a text from him (this was around 1am) saying if I still wanted to talk I could come over. So I stupidly (and still somewhat drunkenly) said yes. I got to his place and sat on the end of his bed and just apologized again for the way I acted and he listened. Again he reassured me that it was literally nothing with that girl. Then he said he was sorry if it felt like he blew me off earlier, but that right when I had texted to meet up he had just found out someone in his family died. At this point, he broke down crying. I was literally in shock, he hardly shows any emotion let alone to that extent. He said he just didn't want to leave me hanging because he knows I get anxious and he didn't want to be unfair to me. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into a hug and he just fell apart, it broke my heart.

 

When he calmed down I told him we didn't have to have any serious talks that night, I didn't want to be selfish and talk about "us" when he just got this horrible news. Then I got quiet and looked away, and he just grabbed me and kissed me. It was so fast and abrupt I didn't see it coming honestly. It was so intense and it almost lead to other things but I stopped it and told him I couldn't, he said he understood and that was probably smart. So I just laid on him for a while and he had his arms wrapped around me. He got really quiet and then was just looking at me with his hand on my face. He asked me in such a sad and quiet voice "do you still love me?" like he was expecting me to say no. I started crying and said "yeah that doesn't just go away, but neither does everything else that's happened." He didn't say much back, just nodded and kissed my lips, nose, cheeks and forehead. We talked for a little while longer just about what's been happening in our lives, we laughed a lot and it was nice. Eventually I had to leave, but I hugged him and he held me tighter than he ever has and kissed me again. He texted me when I got back to my dorm to make sure I got back okay.

 

In the morning (Sunday) he called me, I was at dunks and asked if he wanted anything because he hadn't been eating. So I brought him a bagel and my friend and I stayed with him for a while just hanging out until I had to bring her to the train. He asked me to come back after, and I did. Again, we just cuddled and kissed a lot. And he broke down crying again but this time worse than before and I just held him for like an hour and wiped his tears away and he said no one has ever comforted him in that way. He asked me to stay the night, it was probably stupid but I said yes, I wanted to do anything I could to make him feel better. We didn't have sex, just watched netflix and he went and got us ice cream and it was just a nice night. When we decided to go to sleep he told me he loved me (he's only said it that one other time that initiated this thread, when he was drunk and it was over text).

 

Monday was a snow day so we spent the day in just talking and watching tv. We kissed a lot the whole weekend but again I didn't let it go further. He got me coffee and piggy backed me through the snow and it was like I was living in this alternate reality where we had never broken up.

 

 

Yesterday and today he's been pulling away a little. Yesterday I didn't really hear from him until he texted me a heart and then I saw him in the library, today I saw him at breakfast but he hardly said a word. I started panicking thinking he's about to drop me again, but then I texted him

"is everything ok? You seemed quiet at breakfast. I know we haven't talked yet about us but I want to be there for you, but I'm also trying not to push or force anything because I don't know where we stand and I don't want to get hurt again." He just said that he wasn't okay and didn't say anything else. I ran into him leaving his class in a suit, turns out he's going straight home for the funeral. I feel so selfish, like I was pressuring him to talk about us while he has this going on. I just had no clue the funeral was today and now it explains the distance. He was in a hurry but I grabbed him and hugged him and told him to call me later if he needs to talk.

 

I genuinely have no idea what to make of the situation. My head is spinning. This is NOT how I was expecting things to go. I cannot let myself forget everything that happened over the last month, but every part of me just wants to fall right back into where we left off which is how it felt this weekend. Once things calm down with his family I'm going to talk to him. A big part of me is scared he's just grieving and lonely and emotional and needs someone, but then again he wanted to talk to me before he even found out about the death in the family, it's just hard to separate the two situations. I'm going to give him (and myself) some space so he can grieve and so I can clear my thoughts with some distance and think about what I really want/need. I know if I get back with him I'm only going to get hurt again, but I also don't even know if he wants to be back together. There's just so much up in the air right now. My biggest difficulty right now is controlling my anxious thoughts and reminding myself that him being distant is because he just lost a family member and is processing.

 

The situation is just so complicated and I'm trying not to analyze everything or take anything personally while he's going through all of this. I just want to be there for him and take away all of his pain, but I can't let myself forget everything that's happened.

[ExpatInItaly]

Abort mission, girl.

 

You're about to get back on a merry-go-round that will end the same way the previous two rides did.

[hope18]

And I know that's exactly what I should/need to do, but it's like I physically can't. I feel like an idiot, I know 100% that if we go back into this I would get hurt again whether it's weeks or months from now.

 

But I don't even know where things stand after this weekend, like I said we didn't get to talk about "us". I feel like he thinks we're back together, last night in the library he made a comment about how we should go see a Red Sox game this summer and that kind of caught me off guard that he's thinking into the future.

 

Everything is just so up in the air and we need to talk but I don't want to push while he's grieving.

[Normm]

Did I say I hate being right all the time?

 

 

 

Anyway at least you didn't have sex with him.

[hope18]

In all honesty I just said in my post that I don't need people's judgment or criticism. I genuinely need help and advice because I am struggling with a complicated and painful situation so if you aren't going to offer that please refrain from commenting. I'm on here for support, not to be made to feel worse.

 

I am well aware of the risks and complications that come with this and I am well aware of the consequences of any decisions I have made as well as the ones that come with decisions I have yet to make.

[hope18]

This is also so hard for me because obviously I love him and I just want to be there for him right now, regardless of everything that's happened with us.

 

Seeing him break down and hurting the way he is literally broke my heart. It was like he turned into this hopeless little boy and I've never seen him so vulnerable and emotional. I just have this urge to hold/comfort him and I just want him to be okay but I don't want to force anything on him.

 

If anyone knows what an empath is, that's me. I feel every emotion of the people I care about as if it's my own. This is so hard for me because I don't want him to be hurting and I just want to take that pain away.

[Normm]

Who's judging?

 

 

I'm just saying that it's been clear from your very first post that you're waiting for him to come back to you and you'd take him back in a heartbeat if he only said so, yet you insist on saying the complete opposite. You're in complete denial and you're not being honest with yourself and that's part of the problem here.

 

 

 

Perhaps you have no self control, maybe you are in fact completely at the mercy of this guy who can simply snap his fingers and you'll be right there at his bedside to do his bidding, and you need to work on that of course but in order to take that first step you need to acknowledge you've got this problem in the first place. You can't ignore it. Well you can but it won't go away.

[hope18]

I meant it at the time when I said I wouldn't take him back, but after everything this weekend I'm honestly just confused. I don't know where we stand right now or what he wants, but I do know if he asks for another chance I'm not going to consider it unless he's willing to be honest about everything.

 

I don't know why I'm so attached to him, I wish I could tell even myself that. I'm not in denial that this is unhealthy, that I can find a guy without all the drama, that I'm torturing and hurting myself, that taking him back would be a mistake, but for some reason I just don't want to let him go because despite all of the complications I've never felt so at home and comfortable with someone before and there's just something telling me to hold on.

 

I'm just lost and confused and the unknown is what tortures me but I can't sit down and have this talk with him while he's grieving because "what are we" is probably the last thing on his mind at the moment and I would feel so selfish, and it would probably just push him away. Right now I just want to be there for him, but it's hard to tell where things stand.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think anything has actually changed between you two.

 

He is hurting, reached out for a familiar face, and there you were. You had some fun, and now he's distancing himself again. The circumstances are different, sure, but the behaviour really isn't.

 

I know you find it hard to take space when you know that he is in pain, but you really need to now. Being supportive doesn't mean offering yourself as a pseudo-girlfriend for the weekend when he's suffering. You can be a support without compromising your own integrity for a guy who has not proved to be boyfriend material.

[hope18]

He is hurting, reached out for a familiar face, and there you were. You had some fun, and now he's distancing himself again. The circumstances are different, sure, but the behaviour really isn't.

 

The only thing is he reached out wanting to talk before he ever found out about what happened in his family, he asked me that morning and didn't find out until that night about what had happened. Obviously that possibility has been on my mind, but he brought it up before he was in need of any comfort.

[Normm]

He reached out because he was looking for easy, presumably safe, comfortable familiar sex.

[Lenmi]

Ah, I wish we could write more privately, it's difficult to talk directly on a forum. I feel like we have dated the same type of guy, almost wanted to say the same guy lol... for the same length, same with everything being wonderful and no fights.. and now I'm in the same emotional state right now. Though we had other problems as well that we couldn't help. Been months going through everything in my head and I'm at this point where I wish every day for my mind to shut so I could have a break from the anxiety. Didn't read everything but I know how you feel and I may not have any advice since I'm going through the same but I just wanted to say that I'm sure you will be just fine eventually, hang in there.

[BC1980]

This is also so hard for me because obviously I love him and I just want to be there for him right now, regardless of everything that's happened with us.

 

No, you want to get back together with him, and you think being there for him will make him want to come back to you. It will do the exact opposite. He will see you as needy and desperate.

 

He doesn't want a relationship with you. He's not confused or scared of his emotions. He's not some avoidant kind of relationship type from a textbook. He just doesn't want a relationship with you. It's not complicated, and it happens all the time. Six months is a short time to be with someone. I know it seems like a long time and a big deal right now, but this is just a short relationship in the bigger picture of your life. We've all been there, and the best thing you can do is to accept this is over and cut him off.

[hope18]

My ex and I broke up about a month ago because I was his first serious gf and he got overwhelmed/scared when things started getting deeper and after he told me he loved me for the first time while he was drunk.

 

Over the month we talked like once a week, he would randomly sit with me at breakfast or in the library once in a while etc. Anyways, last weekend he wanted to meet to discuss getting back together/where my feelings were at. We had planned to meet up on saturday to talk, so I texted him later that night and he said "I can't tonight sorry." I was a little hurt and felt blown off but went out with friends. Later that night I ran into him as I was leaving a party, we said hey and I just went back to my dorm. He ended up texting me asking if I still wanted to talk if I was around. I went over his place and he said he was sorry if it felt like he blew me off, but that right when I texted him he had just found out his grandmother passed away. At this point he broke down crying which took my by surprise because he's never cried infront of me or shown that level of emotion. So I grabbed him and hugged him for a long time until he calmed down. Then I told him we didn't have to talk about us right now, that would be selfish and his grandmother's death is more important. He grabbed me and kissed me, it was so fast I didn't see it coming. Things got really intense but I told him it couldn't lead to anything more, he understood. I was laying on him and he was holding me and he looked at me and asked me if I still loved him and was crying again, I told him yes that doesn't just go away but neither does anything else that's happened.

 

Long story short, I spent the rest of the weekend (Sunday-monday) with him and it was like we were in some alternate reality where we had never broken up. We were laughing, cuddling, kissing etc. We didn't have sex. He didn't want me to leave his side, at one point before we went to sleep he told me he loved me, this was the first time he's ever said it because the first time was drunk and over text. From the looks of it, we were back together.

 

Tuesday I didn't hear much from him, but he texted me a heart at one point in response to a snapchat and then came and sat with me for an hour while I studied in the library. Wednesday we got breakfast together but he hardly said 2 words to me, I texted him after and asked him if everything was ok and said I want to be there for him but I don't want to force anything since I wasn't sure where things stood with us and I didn't want to get hurt again. He said he wasn't okay. Then an hour later I ran into him coming out of class (we're in college) and he was in his suit, so it hit me that he was leaving class to go straight home for the wake. I felt horrible because I had no idea and when I texted him before I made it sound like my only focus was "what are we". I hugged him and told him to call me if he needs anything.

 

He was home Wednesday-Thursday, the funeral was Thursday morning. When he got back to campus that afternoon I didn't hear anything from him at all, so I just texted him saying "hey I hope you got back okay, I'm not leaving until tomorrow for spring break so if you need anything please let me know". He just said okay thank you.

 

Yesterday (Friday) I saw him in the student center, he was on his way out but he looked at me and didn't say hi or anything, just kept walking. This hurt a lot because I hadn't heard from him in days other than the quick responses to my texts. I ended up texting him again saying "hey if you're up for it can I see you before I leave? I just want to say bye real quick and make sure you're okay" he said "when are you leaving? I'm not really up for that, and not really ok but thanks". I told him it was killing me that he's hurting and I can't do anything to help, but that I would give him space because I didn't want to push him away more. He just said thanks so I left it at that.

 

I am just so confused and lost on the situation. I'm hurting because I have no clue where we stand and he's completely shut me out. I can't help but wonder if last weekend only happened because he was hurting and needed a distraction, but then again we had plans to talk about us before he even found out about his grandmother. This is his first loss, and he was extremely close with his grandmother so he's devastated. I just can't tell how much of this is him grieving and pushing people away or if it's him not wanting to talk to or be with me, because our mutual friends say he's been snapchatting them a couple of times per day but I've gotten nothing.

 

I just feel like I've been left hanging and in his head we could be back together or we could be broken up still/again. I want to be there for him, but this is also torture for me, not knowing where we stand after getting a taste of being with him again this weekend. I know my best bet is to sit on my hands and let him come to me when he's ready, but I just don't know how long that could take and for my own sanity I'm going to need answers at some point. I know he's hurting and I feel so selfish for focusing on "what are we," but again I've kind of just been left in the dust with no clue what happened and he's acting like I've done something wrong where he needs to push me away. If he was acting like this with everyone else I wouldn't be worried, but again he's talking to other people. I just have no clue what to do.

[ExpatInItaly]

As mentioned in your previous threads about him, I don't think anything has changed in terms of where you stand with him.

 

You're still broken up. He came to you for comfort for a few days, but you can see that you need to keep away from him now. Talk of doing things together in the future was just that - talk. He has other people to turn to for support, in the form of family and friends. As his twice-over ex, you really don't want to position yourself as being there for him. Let others take that role.

 

You would be wise to stop allowing him to bounce in and out of your life at his convenience. The only result here is more pain for you as you again come to the realization that he doesn't have serious intentions with you.