boyfriend being distant after saying I love you **Updated**

[preraph]

He just selfishly came and leaned on you for comfort. I had a semi-boyfriend who did that. He realized in the middle of him crying a puddle on the floor that I wasn't feeling it and realized for the first time how much he'd hurt me on prior occasions and made me feel like he was now feeling -- and hence, why my sympathy was shut down like a steel door.

[d0nnivain]

If he has completely shut you out, you know exactly where you stand: on the outside of his life.

 

Stop being bothered about him. Pursue something else. It's college. There are dozens of distractions. Go find one.

[hope18]

He just selfishly came and leaned on you for comfort.

 

And I know that this is true, but it's also difficult because he wanted to talk about us before he even knew his grandmother died. After we broke up he was miserable and jealous and made it obvious to me and everyone else that he still had feelings for me. I could see if he found out about his grandmother and then reached out for comfort, but we were already planning on meeting up before he found out, it's just the timing of everything that makes this so difficult.

 

Obviously I know the intensity of the weekend was due to him needing a distraction, but I do feel strongly that even if his grandmother hadn't passed away something similar would have happened just not so "let's pick up exactly where we left off".

 

I'm just not really sure what to do from here. I'm going to confront him about this at some point to get answers for my own sanity, because I know he's hurting but that doesn't mean it's fair for him to leave me totally in the dark. I just don't know how long to wait. Everyone is saying drop him, and I know that's what I should do, but the reality is just that that's probably not going to happen so if I could get helpful advice based on that fact I would really appreciate it.

[hope18]

Stop being bothered about him. Pursue something else.

 

Easier said than done when you've been emotionally invested in someone for 7 months. I'd be impressed with any human who has feelings and can be like "meh, whatever" and move on from such a complicated situation like it's nothing. This was a relationship with someone who I loved very deeply, not some fling that just didn't work out. So honestly when I get insensitive responses like this it just doesn't help me.

Edited March 9, 2019 by hope18

[ExpatInItaly]

He didn't leave you in the dark.

 

You are still broken up. I realize you're really hoping that him wanting to talk to you prior to this loss meant that he wanted to reconcile, but you actually have no idea if that's what was going to happen or what he was going to say to you. He didn't ask you to get back together, and he has declined to see you.

 

Your status with him thus has not changed; you are still his ex-girlfriend.

 

The person you should really be confronting is yourself, girl. You keep letting him come around for some easy attention and affection. We teach people how to treat us, and you've been teaching him that it's fine to come to you for some attention and affection when he wants, and then bail when he's had his fill. You need to stop that. Unless and until you find your backbone and draw some limits, you're going to continue to get hurt.

 

Go ahead and confront him if you like, but the probability is very high that you won't like the result. You are far more invested in this guy than he is in you, and a confrontation isn't going to change that. It isn't likely to make you feel any better for getting things off your chest, either. Judging by your last thread, you would feel guilty afterwards and apologize to him and then get sucked right back into the cycle.

Edited March 9, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[hope18]

I know, I just don't know what it is about him that I cannot let go. I've been in serious relationships before and when it was over I had no problem moving on after some time to process. But I just can't let him go.

 

I think it's because he's come back so many times before that now when he leaves it just feels like a waiting game, less an "if" he's going to come back and more of a "when" will he be back. I know I need to have more respect for myself and I'm mad that I keep letting him walk in and out of my life but I just do.

 

When we talked I was planning on holding my ground, telling him everything that needs to happen and what's unacceptable if we were to give it another shot, but we never got to that conversation because of his grandmother's passing. I still want to say all of this to him, that if he wants me in his life even as a friend he cant just pick me up and use me and then drop me whenever he pleases, but I don't know when that conversation will get to happen, if it ever does.

 

And I think what's also so difficult about this is that none of his behavior is intentional, if it were I would be gone in a second. I know it's hard for anyone who doesn't personally know him to see this, to anyone else he looks like he's playing mind games and trying to screw with me. But he is the most innocent and naive guy I've ever met and he has a really big heart and would never intentionally hurt anybody. And that's why it's so easy for me to keep forgiving him, because I know it's just an immaturity thing and him being a clueless boy unaware of how his actions make me feel, and that's no excuse, but it's what makes me let him back in every time.

[JuneL]

“Yesterday I saw a casual friend in the student center, he was on his way out but he looked at me and didn't say hi or anything, just kept walking.”

It’s super rude to ignore you like this, even if you’re just a casual friend.

[Minneloa]

Time for some tough talk, Hope.

 

You are squandering precious time on a wishy-washy ex-boyfriend, a young man whose ambivalent behavior towards you hurts your feelings. You keep insisting on your version of the breakup, that he still has feelings for you but can't handle them, but this is 1) not what he said and 2) a moot point. It does not matter if he has feelings for you. What matters is that you are torturing yourself by allowing him, as Expat said, to come and go as he pleases, and making excuses for his bad behavior (he's naive, etc). The situation is not complicated, as you wrote above; *you* are complicating it. And now, I fear, you are going to spend all of your spring break pining over him. Ugh! This is, as you say, a matter of self-respect. You're gonna have to dig deep now and find it.

 

And I know that you are going to protest that you care for him deeply, but c'mon, girl, don't you also care for and want better for yourself?

 

M.

[nolanola]

OP, I don't necessarily think he's doing any of this intentionally to hurt you, but I don't think he is spending a lot of time thinking about you. In other words, he is primarily thinking of himself and not considering how his push and pull is affecting you.

 

If you want to know how he feels, back off and do nothing. See what happens. If he really wants to keep you in his life, he will contact you. If he doesn't make a clear effort to let you know that he doesn't want to lose you, it means he is wishy washy about whether he wants you there. And you deserve so much better than that. If you really want to, you can tell him you are sorry for his loss and that you're thinking of him. Then back off.

 

I know when you're in it, you think no one else understands. No one else knows him like you do. No one else understands what is really going on or what he really meant. But, as outsiders, we can see him very clearly. More clearly than you can. His behavior is very clear to me. He is taking what you will give him. And you are asking for very little. Which means he can get a lot while giving very little.

 

I feel your pain here. I am also having a hard time getting over a man that I loved. He was not treating me how I deserved to be treated and it hurts very badly. It was very hard for me to cut him off and to go NC. I struggle with it every day and it's been 4 months. But I know, in my heart, that I had to do something. Just letting him walk all over me was just teaching him that he could continue to walk all over me and I would keep taking it. And he kept losing respect for me more and more.

 

I know you want him back. But this is not the way to do it. Do not let him downgrade you to his "not girlfriend". Many, many women have made this mistake because they thought that him sniffing around, hanging out with them, kissing them, sleeping with them meant that they were "basically" his girlfriend. Only to find out that they weren't, oftentimes when they met his new actual girlfriend. That will hurt SO much worse than cutting him off now.

[hope18]

I got a text from his best friend last night asking me if I knew what was going on with him because he hasn't really heard from him other than asking to hangout over break. When I told him about his grandmother passing, the friend said he literally had no idea. This really surprised me because my ex has a lot of acquaintances, but this guy is probably his only real close friend so I figured he would have told him about the death.

 

I told the friend how my ex is acting towards me after last weekend. This was his response.

"You and I both know how much he hates talking about or confronting his feelings. And clearly you're the only person he's told about his grandmother, so right now he probably feels that talking to you means he's going to have to talk about her or his feelings or where you guys stand and that's probably too much for him to handle right now. I know he's not acting like it, but as his best friend I strongly believe he cares deeply for you, he'll definitely come around when he's ready, it's just whether or not you want to be patient."

 

This makes a lot of sense and it's a bit of a relief knowing I'm the only person he's told, but it still hurts that he's shutting me out and he's not being fair to me at all.

[hope18]

Thank you for this and for your gentle but honest responses. I'm going to have to decide what to do. I think I'm going to give him a few days and if he doesn't say anything I'm just going to tell him I can't do it anymore and I'm sorry but I'm done.

[Normm]

Just let it go already. Let HIM go already. It's past the point of pathetic. He's dumped you several tines fed you more BS in the past few months that most people couldn't stomach in a lifetime and here you go again ready to say 'Make up your mind I can't take it anymore' despite everyone you know in real life and helpful posters on this forum telling you to move on with your life. It's sad that you allow someone to have so much power and control over you. Get a handle on this or it will keep happening either with him or other guys.

[JuneL]

“I'm going to have to decide what to do.”

 

I hate to break this to you, but you have absolutely no part in deciding what to do. He was the one to dump you several times like toilet paper, give you tiny breadcrumbs (which you would chase after desperately) whenever he pleased.

[ExpatInItaly]

“I'm going to have to decide what to do.”

 

I hate to break this to you, but you have absolutely no part in deciding what to do. He was the one to dump you several times like toilet paper, give you tiny breadcrumbs (which you would chase after desperately) whenever he pleased.

 

I was about to write the same.

 

The decision was already made for you, unfortunately, OP. He already ended it. There is no further decision to be made at this point, in that regard, since nothing has changed.

 

The only real choice you can make right now is stop allowing him such easy access to you whenever it suits him.

[sandrawg]

I had to come on this thread, because i'm dealing with a similar situation. Only, the guy I'm dating didn't already break up with me and come back once.

 

Here's how I handled my situation--*I* ended it.

 

Here's the difference. I'm 51. He's 26.

 

I've been through this before..I typically date younger men because I look so young, and they're the ones who approach me. I've also dated men my own age. I was married to a man 6 yrs older than me. Many of them NEVER mature, Hope.

 

It's sad, but that's what you're dealing with her..an extreme level of immaturity.

 

At 19, your guy is just a pup. He really is.

 

And it pains me to see you suffering so much from him, but the people who've replied to your posts..they are like me. Been there, done that. You would do well to take advantage of our experiences. We see what you're putting yourself through, and it strikes a painful chord of familiarity.

 

Because you yourself are so young, I guess you have to suffer so you can learn the same lessons we did.

 

This guy might wise up. He might mature, after several more relationships. You can't worry about that tho.

 

Here's the thing I will tell you..given enough time, and enough no contact..and NO social media...NONE. You leave that man alone. I guarantee he WILL come back. But guess what? By the time he does, YOU will have wisened up, and you won't want him anymore.

 

I had a much younger guy (26 at the time) tell me "I think I'm falling in love with you"..then a month later, he dumped me saying "the feelings aren't there." It took me a cpl of months to get over that one. And yeah, you're confused, and grasping for answers...there ARE no answers.

 

I saw him again at a friends' birthday party a few months later and asked him..WHY did you do that..he said something about being on ADHD meds, and they mess with his emotions. Then I stupidly slept with him, even though he said "you know this is just a hookup right?" But he had confused me, by buying me my favorite beer..

 

ah yes these guys know what they're doing. But they're incapable of giving you what you want.

 

Several yrs after I moved to a different town, the 26 yr old started texting me. Well, he's 32 now. And he still texts me from time to time. He wants to "hang out." Honey, I have better things to do with my time.

 

I know it sounds cliche, but there are a lot of fish in the sea.

 

As for my current guy..everything was going wonderfully. He, too, had said "i love you." Then he came to me with a problem..something frustrating. Didn't like the way I handled it? I guess? I mean, I thought I was supportive and good to him.

 

He then started being passive aggressive like your guy. Seemed weird and cold in IMs, and on the phone.

 

I was the one who had to push for a rel'ship talk, to see what was wrong.

 

His complaints about me were kind of ridiculous, and vague..and he said something about when the rel'ship stopped being fun, he was out..(cuz of the age gap, I guess.)

 

I gave him some time and space to try to come up with a better articulation of what I was doing wrong..preferably with some constructive suggestions for improvement. We were supposed to talk on Monday.

 

I'm like you..every anxious and nervous. I IM'd him on Sunday asking when would we be talking the next day? He blew off all my IM msgs.

 

Sent a text the next morning: "Why didn't you reply to my IMs?"

 

Nothing.

 

It really wasn't like him to blow me off like this.

 

I asked a male friend what he thought. He said "He wants to break up with you but is too scared to do it. He's hoping you will do it."

 

HARD thing to accept. Really hard. Esp when we'd been having an amazing time..just like you and your guy.

 

After a few hours, I msg'd him: I'm done. You can come and get your stuff that's here, or I can mail it.

 

Of course, he seemed shocked..said he was sad..did he try to fight for me? No.

 

I'm upset. I haven't cried this much in a long time. But I know this is for the best.

 

He wants to talk, and I'm willing to talk one more time, but..I'm not gonna get caught up in this trainwreck of "I know what I want"--get back together. "Oops I don't know what I want"..break up.

 

He needs to go out there, have more experiences, figure out what he wants, and grow up.

 

So does your guy.

 

But better things are waiting for you, I promise.

 

If you just get away from him, and give yourself a chance.

[sandrawg]

I was about to write the same.

 

The decision was already made for you, unfortunately, OP. He already ended it. There is no further decision to be made at this point, in that regard, since nothing has changed.

 

The only real choice you can make right now is stop allowing him such easy access to you whenever it suits him.

 

Yup! Breadcrumbs is a good word for it.

 

He needed comforting cuz of his grandma..so he used her.

 

Then didn't even have the decency to be polite and nice to her afterwards..just brushed right past her.

 

This guy is a child.

[hope18]

Hey everyone,

 

Just thought I would update you. He texted me on Monday morning, i guess snapchat glitched and sent him a notification that I was typing a message so he texted me "hey.. did you send me a message?" I just said "no" and he said "oh... idk when I saw the notification that you were typing and then no message came it just made me feel insane."

 

This lead into him telling me that he hasn't been talking to me because he just doesn't know what to say to me right now. I told him to just tell me if last weekend meant nothing to him so that I could just move on. He said "I really just don't know right now:(". He said he can't think straight and just doesn't know what to say because his "head and heart feel like they're being trampled". I told him I understand if he needs time and I'm not pressuring him to make any decisions, but that I wouldn't wait around. I told him it wasn't fair of him to drop me (again) the way he did as if I never mattered and did something wrong. He was upset by the fact that I thought I had done something wrong, so he reassured me that there's nothing I did, I'm just the only one he told about his grandmother and he just doesn't know what to say right now. He also apologized on his own for last Friday when he walked by me without saying hi. He said he was just in a hurry to class and was walking out the door as I walked in so he didn't have time to stop and talk plus it was the morning after the funeral.

 

And we kind of just left it at that. I haven't heard anything since then, although he sent me a few snapchats Monday night and one this morning. I've felt very lost and confused and I think I need to take his "I don't know" as a no for my own sanity. Because I have no idea what he's thinking right now, he could be truly confused and planning on talking to me or it could be over in his head and he could be talking to someone else. I need to walk away now, cut him off and let him go and if he wants to talk he knows where to find me, but I won't sit around waiting and counting down the days until I have my heart broken again.

[hope18]

 

And it pains me to see you suffering so much from him, but the people who've replied to your posts..they are like me. Been there, done that. You would do well to take advantage of our experiences. We see what you're putting yourself through, and it strikes a painful chord of familiarity.

 

Because you yourself are so young, I guess you have to suffer so you can learn the same lessons we did.

 

This guy might wise up. He might mature, after several more relationships. You can't worry about that tho.

 

Here's the thing I will tell you..given enough time, and enough no contact..and NO social media...NONE. You leave that man alone. I guarantee he WILL come back. But guess what? By the time he does, YOU will have wisened up, and you won't want him anymore.

 

Thank you for your response, I think after this past week I've finally reached my breaking point. I'm just torn now between telling him I'm done directly or letting my actions prove it by not engaging with him, after all he never gave me an explanation so why should he deserve one?

 

I'm just exhausted and it's not worth it anymore.

[Normm]

I told him to just tell me if last weekend meant nothing to him so that I could just move on.

 

This is so sad. Metaphorically speaking you're chained to a pole with an entire world out there waiting for you but you can't- because he's got the only key. Only Prince Charming has the power to say the magic words and free you from your self imposed prison.

[BC1980]

I don't know = No

No one is that confused about a relationship. You either want to be in it or you don't. It's not complicated. What he enjoys is the idea of you circling around him because it gives him attention, and he knows you'll always be there. That's hard to give up.

[stillafool]

I know, I just don't know what it is about him that I cannot let go. I've been in serious relationships before and when it was over I had no problem moving on after some time to process. But I just can't let him go.

 

I think it's because he's come back so many times before that now when he leaves it just feels like a waiting game, less an "if" he's going to come back and more of a "when" will he be back. I know I need to have more respect for myself and I'm mad that I keep letting him walk in and out of my life but I just do.

 

When we talked I was planning on holding my ground, telling him everything that needs to happen and what's unacceptable if we were to give it another shot, but we never got to that conversation because of his grandmother's passing. I still want to say all of this to him, that if he wants me in his life even as a friend he cant just pick me up and use me and then drop me whenever he pleases, but I don't know when that conversation will get to happen, if it ever does.

 

And I think what's also so difficult about this is that none of his behavior is intentional, if it were I would be gone in a second. I know it's hard for anyone who doesn't personally know him to see this, to anyone else he looks like he's playing mind games and trying to screw with me. But he is the most innocent and naive guy I've ever met and he has a really big heart and would never intentionally hurt anybody. And that's why it's so easy for me to keep forgiving him, because I know it's just an immaturity thing and him being a clueless boy unaware of how his actions make me feel, and that's no excuse, but it's what makes me let him back in every time.

 

Then what are you expecting from LoveShack?

[sandrawg]

Thank you for your response, I think after this past week I've finally reached my breaking point. I'm just torn now between telling him I'm done directly or letting my actions prove it by not engaging with him, after all he never gave me an explanation so why should he deserve one?

 

I'm just exhausted and it's not worth it anymore.

It's ok. We all have our own thresholds if when/if we hit bottom.

 

Let me tell you tho, I wasted 4 yrs going back and forth with a guy who was a trainwreck. Don't make my same mistake! lol

 

You will look back and go..WHY did I waste so much time?

 

You're young. Go have some fun. Get on a dating website and just date for fun. Get guys to take you out to nice dinners (don't go with the "let's do happy hour" thing..lol)..maybe join Meetup. Pursue some things you're interested in.

 

I guarantee you won't regret it

[Normm]

Then what are you expecting from LoveShack?

 

 

We're collectively her BFF.

[hope18]

It's ok. We all have our own thresholds if when/if we hit bottom.

 

Let me tell you tho, I wasted 4 yrs going back and forth with a guy who was a trainwreck. Don't make my same mistake! lol

 

You will look back and go..WHY did I waste so much time?

 

You're young. Go have some fun. Get on a dating website and just date for fun. Get guys to take you out to nice dinners (don't go with the "let's do happy hour" thing..lol)..maybe join Meetup. Pursue some things you're interested in.

 

I guarantee you won't regret it

 

Thank you, I think the hardest part for me in all of this will be having to see his face every day where it's such a small campus. That's what's made it so hard to move on so far. But thankfully it's summer in less than 2 months so I'll be able to fully physically distance myself from him soon.

[hope18]

A few days ago I reached my breaking point, I hadn't heard from him in days and I felt like I was just sitting around waiting for my heart to get broken again. Last I heard he didn't know what he wanted, so I took that as him saying he didn't want to be with me.

 

I sent him a text simply saying "I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry." I fully expected him to just not answer or to say something like "ok, sorry". Instead, he sent me an essay in response. To summarize, he begged me to wait for him. He said that when I spent the weekend with him it meant the world to him, but that he shut everyone out right before the funeral and then after the funeral he went numb and felt like he lost something emotionally. So he said he began to distance himself from me because he's trying to "get his sh*t" together because he wants to be with me more than anything. He said he was also afraid of saying something opposite of how he feels about me because he does that as a defense mechanism (i.e when we broke up and he said he "lost feelings"). He said he's just trying to take time to make things right because he doesn't want to rush back into a relationship with me where he's still numb because that wouldn't be fair to me. He said he wants to do what's best for us in the long run and he wants to be able to be there for me in the relationship mentally and emotionally, not just physically. He said he understands how scared I am because he's terrified too. But he said he knows he doesn't want to be with anyone else. He said he just needs more time but he promises he will talk to me soon if I could just wait a little longer, but he understands if I don't want to.

 

I was really surprised by this response, I told him I'm willing to wait and work things out, but I can't wait forever. I think I scared him because I've never been the one to walk away, it's always been him. That was five days ago, we've texted once in between. I guess it's just up to me whether or not I want to wait. I'm just afraid his feelings are going to fade the longer we go without talking or he'll change his mind, but I expressed this concern to him and he said he promises he would tell me if that happened but he doesn't see that happening.