sandrawg Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 (edited) He is a hot mess. I don't get why he wants you to wait. This all sounds like immature games to me. I think you're wasting your time. Edited March 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted March 19, 2019 Author Share Posted March 19, 2019 I don't get why he wants you to wait. Because my original theory was right from the day we broke up. He's inexperienced when it comes to deep emotions and so when he realized he loved me and things got serious he got scared, cut and run, telling me the "opposite of what he felt" (his words), that he lost feelings. He never lost feelings, hence all of the odd behavior over the last month. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 Oh, dear. You are going to learn the hard way that this guy is not worth the hassle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 Oh, dear. You are going to learn the hard way that this guy is not worth the hassle. My thoughts exactly! This cat and mouse game is never ending. The outcome won’t change, it’s always going to be the same thing, but whatever argument we bring will be brush aside. OP will defend him saying he’s in love with her, just can’t handle strong emotions like that! Been there, done that... we basically all went through something like that... but she’ll have to experience the heartache on her own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 OP, I fear this guy is going to break your heart and waste your time. He might be immature, but he doesn't have much respect for you if he's stringing you along like this. I know when you're in it, it seems like no one else understands and it seems so complicated and intense, but it's not. As outsiders, we can see what's going on here. Him saying he can't be with you right now for all of his reasons is basically like him saying no. Because if he really loved you and wanted you in his life, he would either make it happen (ask you to get back together) or make sure he gets it together quickly so he doesn't lose you. And I'm not talking about half-a**ed snapchats. I'm talking "here is what I'm doing to work on myself and get it together". Otherwise he's just jerking you around. I'll say it again. Take a step back, don't text him or reach out to him in any way and see what he does. My gut says that if you stop reaching out to him, he will disappear. Maybe not, but I think he's trying to do his own thing but keep you around as a possible "back-up" in case. I would strongly advise you not to be that person. It will destroy your self esteem and his respect for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted March 19, 2019 Author Share Posted March 19, 2019 Because if he really loved you and wanted you in his life, he would either make it happen (ask you to get back together) or make sure he gets it together quickly so he doesn't lose you. And I'm not talking about half-a**ed snapchats. I'm talking "here is what I'm doing to work on myself and get it together". Otherwise he's just jerking you around. I'll say it again. Take a step back, don't text him or reach out to him in any way and see what he does. My gut says that if you stop reaching out to him, he will disappear. Maybe not, but I think he's trying to do his own thing but keep you around as a possible "back-up" in case. I would strongly advise you not to be that person. It will destroy your self esteem and his respect for you. He did tell me what he's doing to work on himself and that he "should be okay soon so we can talk about getting back together", he said he wants to be with me long term so he's taking time to get out of this emotionally numb place that he's in right now so that he can be fully present in the relationship if I decide to give him another chance. He said he doesn't want to rush back into the relationship while he's still grieving and can't give me what I deserve. I did tell him directly "I feel like I'm a backup plan sometimes that you keep around when you need someone" and he was upset that I ever thought this and said I'm not nor have I ever been his backup plan, he reiterated that he wants to be with me and no one else and sincerely apologized that I felt like some kind of back up. This isn't me defending him, the way he handled this was wrong. I'm just giving you guys the facts. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 Because my original theory was right from the day we broke up. He's inexperienced when it comes to deep emotions and so when he realized he loved me and things got serious he got scared, cut and run, telling me the "opposite of what he felt" (his words), that he lost feelings. He never lost feelings, hence all of the odd behavior over the last month. You just described a stock character in romantic comedies. The guy who is too scared of his feelings to commit. Gimme a break. This dude is gonna burn you for the third time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 You just described a stock character in romantic comedies. The guy who is too scared of his feelings to commit. Gimme a break. This dude is gonna burn you for the third time. Exactly. Life is not a Nicholas Sparks novel/novel turned into movie. This guy is NOT in love with you. A guy who really loves you would NEVER risk losing you regardless of what is happening in his life. He’d want you there by his side if he really wanted a future with you. But I know you won’t listen. You’ll learn the hard way. Lather, rinse, repeat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 Been there, done that... we basically all went through something like that... but she’ll have to experience the heartache on her own. For sure... we've all been here. It feels sad to read the updates and know exactly what's going to happen every step of the way. OP, remind yourself of what your attachment style is: go read up on it again and again. Your ex-boyfriend or whatever he is right now is pushing all the right buttons to get you sacrificing your self-respect and emotional health in the name of waiting for him. Anyway, the most important thing is this: folks will be here to support you through the inevitable heartache when it does happen. Don't forget that. Also, seeing as he says he's taking this time to work on himself and improve himself, it wouldn't hurt you to do the same. Focus on yourself, your emotional health.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Even if he does come back, you have no idea how exhausting a relationship with someone like this is going to be. Conflict resolution is usually tough enough within a relationship, but if one of the involved parties is emotionally shut down, the stress of each issue that arises is going to be amplified. My guess is he will resurface and you two may even have a reunion of sorts. You'll likely run yourself ragged doing everything you can to make sure he doesn't emotionally shut down, even if that means compromising your own needs and wants from the relationship. You'll be periodically anxious, even when things seem fine, because you never quite feel certain what will make him disappear emotionally. Like others have gauged, I think this is something you're determined to find out the hard way. It's OK. We all have to burn our hand on the stove to find out for ourselves. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 This boy is high maintenance, immature and plain rude. Not sure who’s willing to be his gf, besides you. Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 OP, can I suggest something to you? This is something that I have had to wait many years to figure out: Put yourself first. Boundaries come when you think of what is best for you and not what is best for the other person. Many times in relationships I worried so much about whether the other person loved me, whether they respected me, whether they were happy with me, what they thought, what they wanted. I only paid lip service to what I wanted or whether I was happy with what they were doing or how they were treating me. I've had several relationships that I accepted less than what I deserved because I didn't want to lose the other person. I never stopped to consider whether I was happy and whether what I was getting was enough. It's a total shift to think about the relationship from your perspective than from his. Your focus in this situation is all about what this guy wants or is asking you for. You worry about how he feels because of his grandmother or his attachment issues. Or he's scared. Or whatever. That stuff is out of your control. What you should think about is what do you want? How does his behavior make you feel? I would guess not very good or you wouldn't be on here posting about it. Don't you deserve to feel good? Don't you deserve to feel wanted and appreciated? My advice to you would be to let him go work on his issues. If he is really serious about any of the stuff he has said to you, he will come back and make an effort. That will tell you all you need to know. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted March 25, 2019 Author Share Posted March 25, 2019 I ended things on Friday. I hadn't heard from him in a week since he told me to wait so I told him I can't wait for him if he's not giving me any reason to or communicating with me at all. I told him I need to move on, and that means I can't be his friend this time and I can't have him in my life. I told him if he truly wanted to be with me eventually he would show it, and I deserve someone who fights just as hard for me as I do for them. So that's it I guess. I no longer have him on social media and I've been avoiding seeing him. He's texted a couple of my friends saying to "please make sure she's safe, I know she doesn't want to be friends but I still care about her." I just couldn't do it anymore, he's drained me and destroyed my mental health and I need to build myself back up again. Walking away was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 25, 2019 Share Posted March 25, 2019 Glad you left. Anyone who is hard on your mental health is not a good person to keep in your life. A good bf or gf enhances your life and feeling of wellbeing, not the opposite. He's putting on a show for the friends, trying to get their sympathy and act like it's all your fault and that he had nothing to do with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 25, 2019 Share Posted March 25, 2019 You made the right choice, OP. This is just not boyfriend material for you. Dating does not have to be this complicated or draining on you. When it is, you're with the wrong person. I would advise you to block his number as well, simply because I think you will find it very difficult to stay away if he calls or messages you with a breadcrumb. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Morello Posted March 25, 2019 Share Posted March 25, 2019 I even think the way he contacted your mutual friends “make sure she’s safe” was patronising to say the least. Very out of taste for someone who has been the cause of all your hurt. He portrayed you as the one who’s going crazy over him and he’s the good guy “making sure you’re ok”. That’s a crappy thing to do. Just shows he doesn’t deserve to be in your life. I hope you truly give up on this and don’t keep hanging on that he’ll contact you. He will, but certainly not for the reasons you want him to. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted March 25, 2019 Author Share Posted March 25, 2019 I even think the way he contacted your mutual friends “make sure she’s safe” was patronising to say the least. Very out of taste for someone who has been the cause of all your hurt. I agree it was patronizing, but he was genuinely worried because I'm not a big drinker, I actually don't usually drink at all. But this weekend all I did was party and he knows that's not like me but I just didn't want to feel anything even if it was only for a few hours. Part of me is always going to hope he'll contact me, but I don't think I could ever move past this. He said he never wanted to hurt me and that I've done nothing wrong, but that doesn't change the fact that he hurt me -repeatedly- for the way he handled things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted March 25, 2019 Author Share Posted March 25, 2019 You made the right choice, OP. This is just not boyfriend material for you. Dating does not have to be this complicated or draining on you. When it is, you're with the wrong person. I would advise you to block his number as well, simply because I think you will find it very difficult to stay away if he calls or messages you with a breadcrumb. yeah I blocked his number a few hours ago, I haven't seen him yet around campus which has been nice and I want to avoid him for as long as possible. I can't have him in my life anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
gradh Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 yeah I blocked his number a few hours ago, I haven't seen him yet around campus which has been nice and I want to avoid him for as long as possible. I can't have him in my life anymore. Smart choice Hope. Love should not be that difficult at your age. Take some time to heal before moving on to someone new. And if he comes back and asks if you still love him, tell him no, he killed that with all his immature games. Good luck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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