boyfriend being distant after saying I love you **Updated**

[hope18]

Once he told you he had lost feelings for you that is what should be stuck in your mind to help you get over him. Guys don't say that unless they mean it.

 

I see what you're saying, and if this were any other situation I would trust that he meant it when he said he lost feelings. But this would not be the first time he's lied and used that excuse to avoid confronting the real reasons ("a lot of reasons" according to him) that he's left.

 

 

Don't give him access to your friendship and kindness. Stay away from him. If he wants you back make him work for it by coming to you and asking for you back.

 

I'm definitely not going to initiate any kind of friendship or conversations, but if he's the one to approach me again I want to remain on good terms with him. If he ever asked for me back, obviously it would take serious conversation and a lot of effort/thought on his end.

[Bgrcc]

I feel exactly the same. I did some stupid things and she got fed up with me and as opposed to talking it out she just broke up. But she told me she still loves me despite being super mad. It happened 3 das ago and now we are not talking, I nust hope when she calms down a bit that she will come around. My intuition tells me we will get back together but I don’t want to get stuck in that mindset

[Morello]

I guess the point is not really whether he truly lost feelings or not or even if he'll come back or not. The most likely scenario is that he will come back (even just with breadcrumbs), especially if you remain firm in no contact.

 

However, you're ignoring the elephant in the room. It's the second time he just bails and says he has no feelings. If anything he's definitely not sure about you. Relationships are hard enough when both people in a couple are sure about being with each other. When there's doubt, it just doesn't work.

 

You'd only get a temporary satisfaction if he came back. How could you ever trust this guy again? He appears to lose and regain his feelings for you quite abruptly. This is not the relationship you want to be in. It will damage you even further if he comes back, because if he does, he most likely will bail again soon after that.

 

Some people are very inclined to short term rewards. Actually, most (if not all) people are. You just want the pain to go away now and I'm pretty sure you'd gladly take him back if it was offered to you. However, in the long term that would be a bad choice because it would mean you'd hurt yourself again and cause even further damage to your self-esteem an self-respect.

 

On the other hand, can you imagine if he came back to you and you politely declined his advances? That wouldn't give you the short term boost, but it would do wonders for your confidence long term. It would tell him (and most importantly yourself) that you don't tolerate people coming and going from your life as they wish. It would mean you have boundaries and know what you're looking for.

 

Stay strong, I understand how hard this is now. And it will continue to be hard for a while. Just acknowledge you're going through a 'storm' now and it will be difficult while you're at it. The storm might last for a while. But if you stick to a plan that puts you in the center, you'll get out of it stronger and with great lessons learned that will be valuable to your next relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

I see what you're saying, and if this were any other situation I would trust that he meant it when he said he lost feelings. But this would not be the first time he's lied and used that excuse to avoid confronting the real reasons ("a lot of reasons" according to him) that he's left..

 

That's exactly the point though, Hope.

 

Guys who do truly have feelings for you don't dump you twice. You're in denial because the truth is painful, but you would be wise to stop assuming he's lying about not having feelings for you. Yes, there may in fact be other reasons he doesn't want to continue dating you, but that doesn't mean he also can't have lost feelings for you.

 

It hurts, I know. But the sooner you start accepting the reality of the situation, the sooner you will start to let go.

 

This isn't going to be the great relationship of your life.

[hope18]

I feel exactly the same. I did some stupid things and she got fed up with me and as opposed to talking it out she just broke up. But she told me she still loves me despite being super mad. It happened 3 das ago and now we are not talking, I nust hope when she calms down a bit that she will come around. My intuition tells me we will get back together but I don’t want to get stuck in that mindset

 

I'm sorry to hear this. I almost wish I had done something stupid, that way I could put my finger on something. But I did nothing, literally nothing wrong for him to leave. If anything I put up with TOO much of his immaturity and instability.

 

I hope things work out for you whether that means getting back together or finding something better.

[hope18]

Stay strong, I understand how hard this is now. And it will continue to be hard for a while. Just acknowledge you're going through a 'storm' now and it will be difficult while you're at it. The storm might last for a while. But if you stick to a plan that puts you in the center, you'll get out of it stronger and with great lessons learned that will be valuable to your next relationship.

 

Thank you for this. Everything you're saying is true. I know he's not what's best for me and that if we got back together I wouldn't be happy in the long run. What scares me is what you were saying, the short term and wanting the pain to go away.

 

I don't know that he will be back, but my gut tells me he will be and I worry I'll be so happy that he "woke up" that I'll take him back again.

 

But I'm also trying to just focus on myself instead of the "what will I do when he comes back" thoughts because he may never. My biggest struggle right now is trying not to be thinking 24/7 about what he's feeling, what he's doing, is he talking to someone else... basically all of the paranoid/insecure thoughts.

 

I think what's bothered me most over the last few days was his decision to pop back into my life on Friday only to return to complete avoidance again the next day. I don't know what happened or what changed in those 24 hours that he acts like everything is fine one day and then can't even look at or talk to me again the next.

Edited February 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[hope18]

but you would be wise to stop assuming he's lying about not having feelings for you. Yes, there may in fact be other reasons he doesn't want to continue dating you, but that doesn't mean he also can't have lost feelings for you.

 

I know, and maybe he did really lose feelings this time. But the only reason I'm having such a hard time believing that is because the last time we broke up he said it was because he lost feelings, but then when he returned he said that was never true and he just said that to try and move on easier and also because he didn't know how to handle the situation. I also don't buy it because everything was going SO well up until 3 days before the breakup. He was calling me every free second he had, asking me to come over or hangout any free second he had, everything was great. If things had been off for like a week or more I would understand, but everything was perfectly fine until the night he told me he loved me and then he just pulled away.

 

I'm just having a hard time believing his words because of the past identical situation as well as his behavior lately. The encounter last Monday when he hugged me and stuck around after giving my stuff back, then complete avoidance where he wouldn't even look at me, and then reappearing on Friday (completely on his own), only to return to avoidance on Saturday. That's not how you act when you lose feelings for someone. In my experiences, when I or any of my friends have been in a relationship where we lost feelings, there is no back and forth wanting to be around them then not. Or breaking up with them and then suddenly snapchatting them again out of the blue a few days later. When I lose feelings I have no problem being friendly and consistent and unless there was anything bad that happened or the guy was creepily clingy and obsessive, I had no reason to completely avoid them or look the other way when I saw them.

[hope18]

Sorry you are struggling, OP. As much as possible, try to focus less on what he is doing/thinking/feeling and more on taking care of yourself. Seriously, he created this situation, and if he is hurt by it, that's his problem.

 

Can you get off campus this weekend, even for a few hours? I think some distraction would do you good, as the hothouse environment is only exacerbating your hurt.

 

M.

 

Thank you, my friend came and stayed with me for the weekend which was a nice distraction.

 

Just having a really hard time letting go/processing how everything was going so well, we were better and closer than we ever had been and he just cut it off.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you, my friend came and stayed with me for the weekend which was a nice distraction.

 

Just having a really hard time letting go/processing how everything was going so well, we were better and closer than we ever had been and he just cut it off.

 

That's good, keep doing this. Find ways to stay busy that either take you off-campus or at least engaged in different activities that limit the chances of seeing him.

[hope18]

I'm really mad/embarrassed with myself right now. As you all know, we talked multiple times on Friday and everything seemed fine, but then he was back to totally avoiding me, stopped snapchatting me, saying hi etc. But today only confirmed that (kind of). I was at breakfast again and he walked in and saw me, shrugged and then went and sat by himself.

 

Here's the stupid part. I should have let it go, but instead I walked over to him on my way out and asked him if everything was okay because Friday things seemed good but now they seem off again since then. He was like "uhh we talked on Friday?" and I reminded him of breakfast and he was like "oh right. no everything is fine, just wanted to do some reading while I ate" (which he wasn't lying about because he had his books out). I said "oh ok I just wanted to make sure I didn't do or say something Friday to make things weird." And he said no everything was fine so that was that.

 

I feel so stupid and embarrassed right now. I definitely looked completely paranoid and I need to remind myself we are no longer together, he is not obligated to sit with me at breakfast every day like he used to. I just hope this doesn't make things worse or more awkward.

 

Wow I want to slap myself. On the bright side, he did look like absolute hell so that was a tiny pick-me-up for the situation.

[hope18]

I feel like such an idiot. As you all know, after being distant all last week he popped back up again on friday and sat with me at breakfast. Everything seemed totally normal, and then the very next day he went back to completely avoiding me. I have no idea what triggered it.

 

Today was the first day since Friday that we had the same breakfast time. He saw me, gave me a little shrug and kept walking and went and sat by himself. This pushed me over the edge. Before I left I walked over to him and asked him if everything was alright because he seemed totally fine friday but has been avoiding me since. His response was "we talked on friday?" which kind of hurt that he "forgot" and I reminded him of our three encounters and he was like "ohhh right, yeah everything's fine I just wanted to read for class while I ate." I said okay good and that I had just wanted to make sure I didn't do or say something to make him feel uncomfortable (even though I know I didn't). I should have just left it alone. He probably thinks I'm clingy and needy now but I never would have done that if it wasn't for Friday where he acted normal and then flipped back into being so avoidant like I had done something wrong.

 

I know he's not obligated to sit with me at breakfast anymore, so I hope he didnt take it the wrong way. I was just genuinely curious what had changed since he stopped snapchatting me and everything too.

 

I think this was my final straw though, realizing I need to do anything I can to not run into him anymore because otherwise I'm going to obsess over the possible intentions of his every action. Hopefully my disappearance allows me to redeem myself after probably looking like a total paranoid idiot today.

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't be too hard on yourself, OP. Many have done similar things after an unwanted break-up.

 

Sooner or later, you will care very little what he thinks of you. There will come a day when you don't give a fig about redeeming yourself in his eyes. It's normal to feel the way you feel right now, so go easy on your yourself.

 

Take his change in behaviour as further evidence that this relationship really has come to an end.

[Acacia98]

hope18: you have my tremendous sympathy. Do hang in there, it eventually gets much better.

 

I do admire your self-awareness and your understanding of what you ultimately need to do in order to move on. But there's something that's keeping you from truly starting to move on, and I think it's your confusion as to what his true feelings towards you were.

 

I think your ex-boyfriend genuinely loved you, still loves you. But I also think he is a broken person. So his way of behaving towards someone he loves is warped.

 

You wonder why he would say he no longer loves you. Well, he's lying. And why is he lying? I think it's because he wants to hurt you by making you feel unloveable. He seems to have low self esteem among other destructive emotions. Some kinds of situations probably make him feel really ****ty about himself. It is possible that he responds to them by hurting the closest person to him. And that is you. This is who he is. So, as long as he is a part of your life, he is going to love you AND hurt you.

 

He is also a rather selfish person. That's basically why he doesn't want you to move on. He sees you getting on with your life without him and he doesn't like that, so he keeps popping back into your life, getting you hooked again, and then ignoring you. He is doing all of this stuff deliberately. He gets some kind of satisfaction from seeing you miserable and desperate for his attention and from knowing that he can reject you and crush you. It's all really power play.

 

What I'm basically saying is that if you continue allowing him access to you, his actions will eventually crush what self-esteem you have.

 

You're not a complete victim, you know? You have the power to protect yourself, but you're not exercising it. How can you protect yourself? By blocking him on all social media and on your phone. By ignoring his messages. By refusing to meet if he still finds ways to send word to you. By standing up and walking away if he comes to sit next to you at the table.

Edited February 21, 2019 by Acacia98

[Acacia98]

All the steps I suggest sound drastic, but they are necessary because you both live on campus and have the same circle of friends. If you lived on different ends of town and had different social circles, it would be a whole other story.

 

Some other things you can do to help yourself move on include starting an activity that will take you off campus and introduce you to new people. You could do something like volunteering (if you feel so inclined), taking dancing lessons, joining some church group (if you are religious), taking up a new sport...

 

And there's something else relatively easy you could do. Just follow the other discussions about relationships etc. on this forum. I personally find it useful to read about what other people are going through. Sometimes it gives me the necessary distance to focus on something other than my problems, which allows me to heal. Sometimes it gives me insight into my own situation, enabling me to make wiser choices

[hope18]

This makes sense and I think deep down I know it's the real reason behind everything. After all, if he didn't truly love me or at least have real feelings for me I don't think he would have been as devastated as he was after the breakup and I don't think he would have gone out of his way to avoid me only to pop back up again. I also don't think he would be avoiding telling people about it (but who knows if that's changed by now).

 

He is an EXTREMELY insecure guy (like I mentioned in a previous post, not the most sought out guy on campus). He didn't show too much emotion when we were together, but the few times that he did he would ask me "how do you put up with me?" or "why are you even with me?". Now that I'm thinking a little more clearly I think part of the reason behind the breakup was he fell harder for me which made him more scared to get hurt, so he cut it off to avoid the potential of having his heart broken by me. I especially think this is the case because he broke it off (again) right when we had our first conflict, even if it was a small one.

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[hope18]

Don't be too hard on yourself, OP. Many have done similar things after an unwanted break-up.<snip>

Thank you for this, I'm still quite embarrassed but realizing that what I did wasn't all that bad, it's not like I begged for him back or anything I simply asked if everything was okay because things seemed off again.

 

I woke up today feeling more ready to move on than I ever have, I'm done caring about what's going through his head. Because even if he still has feelings, the fact is he's choosing not to be with me.

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

Because even if he still has feelings, the fact is he's choosing not to be with me.

 

Yes, exactly. This is what matters most.

 

I know the mind tends to torment itself after a break-up, mulling over the reasons why. And often, we never really get the true answers we're seeking. That lack of clarity becomes easier to accept over time and with genuine space from the ex. I realize it's not easy when you're on a small campus together, but implementing No Contact and not engaging when you do see him will be a great start.

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[hope18]

Yes, no contact and not seeing him just in the last two days has given me clarity and some peace of mind. It still hurts and I find myself wondering what's making him go out of his way to not see me, but I've been working on redirecting my thoughts reminding myself it doesn't matter.

 

The only real pain I feel the last few days is when I worry about him moving on, but I remind myself that even if he does move on, he's not going to be some newly transformed and amazing boyfriend to the next girl. He's going to carry these issues with him for a long time and no matter how much I love him I need someone who doesn't come with that amount of stress and anxiety.

[nolanola]

@hope18, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but the reason he stopped Snapchatting with you is because you guys broke up. That means you aren't in each others lives anymore. I know that is very hard to accept right now and it's fine that you're having trouble with it. But you need to start creating distance as soon as you can. Because you're torturing yourself by watching what he does or says and trying to read if he's ok, if he's mad at something you said, if he still loves you, and so on. What about hope18? She's pretty great, what does she want? What does she feel? Who cares what this douche wants? He's an idiot who can't seem to treat you as you deserve to be treated.

 

Do you think you can try, maybe just for a week, to avoid him? Go to breakfast at different times. Don't run into him at parties. Go a different way to your classes. Take some power back. I think when you detox from this guy, you will realize that he is not good for you.

 

And yes, he might move on, but he will no doubt make some other girl miserable. He's got a lot of work to do.

[hope18]

I was doing really really well, I hadn't seen him in 3 days because I had been going out of my way to avoid him and I was honestly starting to feel better until last night.

 

Nearly every weekend I go out with the same group of friends. He used to tag along, but only because I went (they're my friends). Last night he texted one of them and this is how the conversation went:

 

him: "what's the plan for tonight are you guys going out"

her: "yeah I'm going to a party in your dorm with Hope and my roommates"

him: "oh, so should I not come then?"

 

at this point I told her to just tell him to come so that he would see things don't have to be awkward since he had suddenly started avoiding me again last week after HE was the one who was so worried when we broke up about things being weird and us not being friends? (Like, he was genuinely worried about that, not just your B.S "we can stay friends")

 

So she said "no just come!" and he goes "well in that case can you please bring me alcohol".

 

So we get to the party and he shows up, hes standing next to me the entire time but will not look at me, talks to every single one of my friends except me, laughing with them etc. Yet he literally would not even say hi to me it was like I didn't even exist. The only time he said anything was when a guy at the party took my phone and put in his number and my ex goes "he's in my lecture, seems like a great guy" but in the most a**hole tone of voice and that was the last thing he said to me but again he was totally fine with all of my friends and refused to engage with me. At one point we decided to leave his dorm and go to another and he just stayed behind and went back to his room.

 

One thing I did notice though, for the last 2 weeks he had been avoiding watching any of my snapchat stories (you can see who views them) when he used to watch every single one when we were together obviously. Last night I posted a few pictures and he watched them immediately after I posted them.

 

I just don't understand why he's acting this way. It hurts so much and I was doing so well until last night. He literally does anything and everything he can NOT to talk to me or look at me and it hurts. He acts like I'm the one who broke up with him and hurt him and it bothers me that he's totally fine when he talks to MY friends. (note, he's not flirty with them or anything, 2/3 of them have boyfriends). Why is he acting like this?? Like something horrible happened between us and he can't even look at me?? The breakup was totally amicable and I never begged or pleaded or anything like that, I just let him go and we ended on (I thought) good terms. This hurts and after last night I'm mad at him for the first time and I really and truly don't ever want to see or hear from him again. I don't understand why he's going out of his way to act like this. I feel horrible.

[hope18]

Do you think you can try, maybe just for a week, to avoid him? Go to breakfast at different times. Don't run into him at parties. Go a different way to your classes. Take some power back. I think when you detox from this guy, you will realize that he is not good for you. And yes, he might move on, but he will no doubt make some other girl miserable. He's got a lot of work to do.

Since I last posted I had started avoiding him (going to breakfast at a different time, taking different routes to class etc). But he came out to a party with my friends last night and I never want to be that girl that's like "you cant see him or talk to him anymore just because he's my ex". See my above update for what happened there.

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

He acts this way because he is immature.

 

Continue to keep your distance, and if he tries to tag along in the future, ask your friends to kindly redirect him to his own friends if they're going to be hanging out with you. There is zero reason to invite him along to function you will be attending.

 

It would also be smart of you to delete him from your social media so you don't know if he's viewing your posts or not.

[nolanola]

100% co-sign what @ExpatInItaly said. I know we all want to be that girl that's cool, that's above all the drama, that can be friends and all that. BUT...seeing this guy is hurting you. Every time. You have to stop seeing him for a while. We have no idea why he's acting like he's acting, although immaturity is a good bet. Being around him is not going to be make it any clearer. It's only going to keep upsetting you. Maybe in 6 months you guys can be friends. I have a sneaking suspicion that once some time passes and you get away from him, you won't want to be friends with him.

 

I know this is tough because you guys are in similar circles, but I think you should ACTIVELY avoid him. If you know he's going to be at a party, don't go. Your girls will understand and I'm willing to bet they'll be happy to do something else with you if it means you'll have a good time and enjoy yourself. I would at least temporarily mute or hide him on your social media. By keeping tabs on what he's doing you're basically staying in contact with him, because you get really wrapped up in what he's doing or not doing. It's still all about him.

 

Hugs. I know it sucks. But you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than this dude.

[Minneloa]

I am sorry you had a bad evening, OP. I strongly urge you to now go fully into self-protective mode, where you prioritize *your* feelings and well-being over his. Like Nola said above, don't worry about being the cool girl. If you run into him at a party, plot an early exit with one of your friends. And definitely detach from him on social media. The less you information you have about him at this point, the better.

 

Sending good thoughts,

 

M.

[hope18]

He acts this way because he is immature. Continue to keep your distance, and if he tries to tag along in the future, ask your friends to kindly redirect him to his own friends if they're going to be hanging out with you. There is zero reason to invite him along to function you will be attending. It would also be smart of you to delete him from your social media so you don't know if he's viewing your posts or not.

I just don't understand why he is acting like this. Why is he acting like I'm a horrible person who cheated on him or something. We ended on GOOD terms. Then he decided to avoid me but I let it go, I didn't chase him or beg him or anything like that. Then HE was the one who reinitiated contact and popped back up. He was the one who was so insistent on being friends. I didn't do anything to deserve him acting this way. I'm furious that he thinks he can just come out with me and MY friends and talk to all of them except me. I get that he's probably lonely and doesn't have anyone else right now (he didnt really have anyone except me and again, MY friends). But he doesn't get the best of both worlds where he gets to act all buddy buddy with them and treat me like I don't exist/never mattered to him.

 

Everyone who was there even pointed out the fact that he was standing right next to me yet couldn't even look at me and didn't acknowledge me until he saw that guy putting his number in my phone. If you lose feelings for someone, you're indifferent towards them. You don't act like they shattered your heart and now you can't even say hi to them or look at them or even be in the same room as them without being drunk. If anything you would be friendly or at least say hi to them out of pity.

 

To anyone who didn't know the situation it would look like I'm the one who dumped him. I'm just so angry and hurt and confused and I just want to know why he's acting this way when I never did anything to him and if anything I should be the one treating him this way because of how badly he hurt me.

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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