Author hope18 Posted February 23, 2019 Author Share Posted February 23, 2019 100% co-sign what @ExpatInItaly said. I know we all want to be that girl that's cool, that's above all the drama, that can be friends and all that. BUT...seeing this guy is hurting you. Every time. You have to stop seeing him for a while. Thank you, seeing him is hurting me and after last night I do not want to see him or hear from him again and I want him out of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 To anyone who didn't know the situation it would look like I'm the one who dumped him. I'm just so angry and hurt and confused and I just want to know why he's acting this way when I never did anything to him and if anything I should be the one treating him this way because of how badly he hurt me. And if you had the answer to that question, how would that help you? I mean that sincerely. What would you then do with that information? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 No amount of overanalyzing or research is going to give you the answers you want. Like other posters have said, he's doing this because he's immature and doesn't know how to handle his feelings, which may include guilt, confusion, and sadness. Eventually he'll get over it, but until then you need to avoid him as much as possible. This isn't worth the pain it's causing you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 23, 2019 Author Share Posted February 23, 2019 And if you had the answer to that question, how would that help you? I mean that sincerely. What would you then do with that information? I feel like it would give me a peace of mind because right now I feel like I did something horrible to hurt him. I think deep down I know why he's acting this way though, but I'll never hear it from him. I think he still has feelings and is probably hurting a lot, feeling guilty, maybe even regretting. So I think he's resenting me for having feelings that he doesn't want to have anymore and looking at or talking to me makes it that much harder. I've never for a second believed his breakup excuse that he "lost feelings". I think maybe he felt that way at the time because things were getting deep so the fear overshadowed his feelings and he cut and run but once time passed he started thinking (hence his sporadic reappearance) but then it was too hard for him (hence his re-initiating avoidance). Because the thing is I would say maybe he just doesn't know how to handle a breakup since this is his first one, but when we broke up in October he had no issue saying hi to me or being friendly with me. But this time around our relationship was much stronger/deeper and lasted a while so it's probably been harder to handle then when we had broken up in October after only being together a month. This is just my own theory based on how well I know him and the fact that if you lose feelings for someone you don't act like they did something horrible to you or like they were the one that broke up with you. That being said, I know I'll never get a real answer from him but that doesn't stop me from wanting to know what the h*ll I did to make him hate me so much. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 I feel like it would give me a peace of mind because right now I feel like I did something horrible to hurt him. I think deep down I know why he's acting this way though, but I'll never hear it from him. You know that you didn't. You also know that he doesn't hate you. But I think the rest of your response is very revealing. You're hoping his current behaviour might mean he still has feelings for you. I think that is the reason you're really upset about this, because he has not actually said or done anything concrete to confirm your theory and it hurts. The truth is that the boy you date at 19 or 20 is unlikely to become the one you wind up with forever. Young adults tend not have the maturity or experience to seriously commit, which is why so many of us dated around during our college years. You're seeing that with him. He isn't ready for the type of relationship you want, and probably won't be until he's had a couple more girlfriends and a few more years of experience. By then, you'll barely remember this dude's name. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 I agree with Expat that you are struggling to process his behavior because it doesn't match your theory or fulfill the hope that he will return. I know it's early days and that you are hurting, but you are torturing yourself here. As much as possible, try not to dwell on his actions and begin to accept that, no matter the reason, you are broken up and interacting with him only serves to increase your pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 23, 2019 Author Share Posted February 23, 2019 I feel like his current behavior just proves he still has feelings. In all honesty I would rather him truly not have feelings anymore because then he wouldn't act this way towards me because his acting like he hates me (even if he doesn't) is only making this so much harder. My theory is just a theory, but again it's based on the fact that if you genuinely lose feelings for someone you don't pop in and out of their life and go out of your way to avoid them as though they did something awful to you. This is so much worse than it ever needed to be. You're right that breakups happen especially at our age and it's a part of life, so I don't understand why he's making it so much harder by acting like I shattered him. It would be so much easier to move past if he didn't make it like we now have unnecessary bad blood where there never needed to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 Gently, OP, you are sending yourself into a tailspin here. Endlessly overanalyzing his behavior/thoughts/motives is futile and a waste of time and energy that could be better spent on taking care of yourself and beginning to move on. What are your plans for the day? Can you get outside, preferably off campus? Will your budget allow for a small indulgence, like a latte or a manicure? M. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 23, 2019 Author Share Posted February 23, 2019 I agree with Expat that you are struggling to process his behavior because it doesn't match your theory or fulfill the hope that he will return. I wanted him to return up until the beginning of this week, but now I honestly do not want him to. I don't want him in my life anymore. And in my opinion just from knowing him and how he handles (more like avoids handling) emotions, his behavior does match the theory and that's what's frustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 23, 2019 Author Share Posted February 23, 2019 (edited) <snip>What are your plans for the day? Can you get outside, preferably off campus? Will your budget allow for a small indulgence, like a latte or a manicure? I'm actually getting off campus with some friends for a while to clear my head, I'm going off on a rant because I'm just genuinely pissed off at him for making what should have been a normal college breakup so much deeper and more painful than it ever needed to be. Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote and fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 With all due respect, OP, you are killing me here. Let's say for the sake of argument that you are right and he still has feelings for you. How does that change anything? What good does it do you? I know it's painful, but the harsh reality is that you are broken up and things are awkward between the two of you. No amount of theorizing or ruminating is going to change that. I'm sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 I'm actually getting off campus with some friends for a while to clear my head, I'm going off on a rant because I'm just genuinely pissed off at him for making what should have been a normal college breakup so much deeper and more painful than it ever needed to be. Good for you! I hope a change of scenery & some fresh air will do you good. M. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 I feel like his current behavior just proves he still has feelings. No, it doesn't. Unless and until you hear it out of his mouth that he still has feelings, all you're really doing is fleshing out a confirmation bias: "the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms one's preexisting beliefs or hypotheses. It is a type of cognitive bias and a systematic error of inductive reasoning" (thank you, wikipedia) I think it's great you're getting out for a bit. Seeing him is driving you mental, girl. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 OP, I hope you got out and enjoyed your day. You deserve so much more than this BS. I have to agree with the posters above. Whether or not he has feelings for you is irrelevant. He is still choosing everyday to not be with you. I agree that he likely does care about you, but he clearly has some issues. And he's clearly decided that he is going to be very careless with your feelings and your heart. And he's also decided that he'd rather stay broken up, not matter how it's affecting him or you. We're all in your corner. Obsess about it if you need to, but please try to separate yourself from him. If you can do that for a few weeks, I think you will start to feel better and will get some clarity. You might even meet someone new that actually deserves your attention. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 23, 2019 Author Share Posted February 23, 2019 Thank you, I did get off campus for a few hours which was nice. I've been feeling a little better, as much as the situation sucked I can use it to move on with the knowledge that I won't be expecting him to try to talk to me. Knowing him, based on his behavior I do strongly believe he still has feelings and maybe that's just my way of coping. But despite believing this, even if he ever did anything about those feelings I would never take him back after the way he's treated me post-breakup, as if I'm a horrible person who did something hurtful to him. I'm going to use this situation to move on because I'm done with his mixed signals and drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 I would never take him back after the way he's treated me post-breakup Not sure I believe you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 25, 2019 Author Share Posted February 25, 2019 We ran into each other again Saturday night while I was with friends in line getting food. Again, he made a point to stand next to me but acknowledge every one of them except me and I was fed up. So I pulled him to the side and basically said "clearly you don't want to be friends, and that's fine, but at the very least you can acknowledge me and say hello when I'm standing right next to my friends." I brought up the fact that he did the same thing Friday night. Basically his response was "I never said I don't want to be friends. I didn't talk to you friday night because do you really want me having a conversation in the middle of a party?" I said "no, but you had no issue talking to all of my friends and you wouldn't leave my side at the party so you had every opportunity to at least say hello and not treat me like I did something horrible to you because I've done nothing wrong, all I did was care for you even just as a friend and I don't deserve to be treated like I hurt you." He looked away when I said this, and quietly said "can you not say you did nothing wrong, I get that." He said if he's ever acting like that then I can just call him out on it and be like "hello???". I told him it's not my job anymore to correct his behavior or find out what's wrong and I'm not going to beg for anyone's attention. Then it got weird. He randomly changed the subject and brought up last Friday (the day he sat with me at breakfast and then ran into me later at a party next to his room which is when he went back to avoiding me the next day). He was like "but what were you doing last week hanging out with Stephen in that room next to mine? You could have just talked to me, you didn't have to hangout with him, I thought you didn't like him." I told him it's none of his business anymore who I hangout with and he has no right to be upset over it. He didn't really say anything to this. I said "I don't expect us to be hanging out and talking but if you're going to continue hanging out with my friends you can at least be polite and acknowledge me. And if you do want to be friends then you need to make up your mind because there is no in-between and you don't get to pop up and disappear whenever you please, because if that's the case I'm not interested. I will not be friends with someone who treats me like they're disinterested or like I'm something they can pick up and toss aside whenever they please." He looked upset when I said this and he said "I'm not tossing you aside, I'm just trying to adjust to this, it's going to take some getting used to I guess." I ended the conversation saying "Anyways that's all I needed to say. I hope everything has been going well." He said "thanks for asking, it's going." So I said I was sorry to hear that and that I hope whatever's wrong gets better. He said "ya gee I wonder what it could be" and we parted ways. So, this conversation basically gave me every answer I needed to be able to move on. 1. He feels guilty because he knows he messed up and I never did anything to hurt him or deserve this treatment, or the breakup. 2. He's jealous and that's why he suddenly disappeared again the morning after he saw me hanging out with a guy he thought I didn't like. It also made me realize I don't even want to be friends with him. I don't need a "friendship" where I'm the only one putting effort in or bothering to say hello. I'm proud of the way I stood up for myself and I hope I came off as confident and fed up as I felt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 25, 2019 Author Share Posted February 25, 2019 Not sure I believe you. The way he's handled this breakup as if I did something horrible to him, treating me so coldly, no, I wouldn't. Last week yeah I would have, but I don't think I would be able to move past this and start over with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 You really need to stop talking to him. So what he doesn't acknowledge you when you're with his friends? His choice, his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 25, 2019 Author Share Posted February 25, 2019 The point is they are not his friends, they are my friends who only ever hung out with him because he was my boyfriend and I introduced them to him, they even said this to me. I'm not going to just stand there and let him embarrass me and act like I don't exist. I don't want to be friends with him after this behavior, but if he is going to continue talking to MY friends instead of his own, the very least he can do is say hi instead of being an a**hole and completely ignore me like I'm not a human being standing right there. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 You're really letting him get to you. It's sad. Hopefully over time you can get to a place where what he says and does will not affect you so profoundly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 25, 2019 Author Share Posted February 25, 2019 (edited) If someone you were close and on good terms with, someone you never did anything to suddenly began to go out of their way to ignore you -to your face- if they acted like they did not even see you while they were standing right next to you, engaged in conversation with every single person there except for you, would it not get to you? Would you not be hurt and angry that they're treating you like that? Even if he wasn't my ex, just a friend or literally any other person I would not put up with it. I am sorry that you would not stick up for yourself when someone is treating you that way. Edited February 25, 2019 by hope18 Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 (edited) <snip>If they acted like they did not even see you while they were standing right next to you, engaged in conversation with every single person there except for you, would it not get to you? Personally, no, I wouldn’t let it get to me, and I would ignore him. My ex, when he left me, he went to my best friend’s house AND my best friend’s parents house and talked about me and things I’ve done that led to the break up. When they told me, you know what I did?! NOTHING. Why?! He knew exactly what he was doing, he wanted to get my attention and a reaction out of me. Sorry, you’re not getting it. It’s not about sticking up for myself, it’s about being done with him and just not responding to his attempts to get to me.You’re still getting mad at him. He’s still getting a reaction out of you, so you’re not that over him. You will be once his actions have zero impact on your emotions. Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote and fix spacing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 25, 2019 Author Share Posted February 25, 2019 My ex, when he left me, he went to my best friend’s house AND my bestfriend’s parents house and talked about me and things I’ve done that led to the break up. When they told me, you know what I did?! NOTHING. Why?! He knew exactly what he was doing, he wanted to get my attention and a reaction out of me. If he wasn't doing these things to my face I would not care. If he was talking to all of my friends without me there I wouldn't care. What bothers me is that unlike your situation, I am physically present when he is doing this to me and if he is going to continue hanging out with/talking to again ~my~ friends, he can at least be decent enough to say hi to me. I understand what you're saying about him wanting a reaction, and if he was talking behind my back I wouldn't give him one, but I'm not going to stand by and let any person, an ex or not, treat me like crap, like I don't exist, right to my face. It's plain disrespectful and if I'm going to be mature enough to not ask my friends to cut him off, he could be mature enough to be decent towards me when I have done nothing to deserve this kind of behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 (edited) It's not sticking up for yourself it's letting the person get under your skin. He's not picking on you, he's not being abusive, and he's not depriving you of your human rights. He's simply choosing not to engage with you. You keep saying "he can at least be this or he can at least be that". He doesn't have to do ANYTHING. Your expectations are not realistic. You act like he owes you something. Edited February 25, 2019 by Normm Link to post Share on other sites
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