Long Overdue Unburdening and Recovery Story

[Equanimity]

Hello All,

 

I've been lurking on the LS breakup feed the last few months and thought I would give it a go. I apologize for the extreme length and feel free to skip to the later recovery sections if thats what you prefer to focus on. While I am only 3.5 months in to the breakup, and no where near fully healed, I still think it can help people to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. For comparison the relationship was 4 years and she ended it. Hopefully the ensuing rant will make sense to everyone.

 

The Relationship:

I dated my ex for nearly 4 years. I met her during graduate school, where she was a senior undergrad student in the neighboring lab. Sparks flew right away and we dated happily for a little under a year before she moved across the country to attend pharmacy school (she'd accepted the offer shortly after we began dating). At the time I still had another 3 years of graduate school, while pharmacy school would take her 4 years. Essentially we knew there would be at least 3 years of long distance. At the time I naively believed that love concurred all and that we would defy the odds of a LDR; and to be honest, we nearly did. For the next 3 years we did the whole LDR thing and were extremely happy with only a few minor arguments. Our few fights were standard couple arguments with the majority related to our differing sex drives. For example she would be fine with having sex once during a weekend visit, while I would usually want more after not seeing each other in over a month. Regardless, we were both extremely invested in the relationship and excitedly discussed our future when she would finish school and we could be back together. We frequently discussed marriage and when the best time to get engaged would be. Once I'd graduated (and she had 9 months of pharmacy school left), we decided it would be easiest for me to get a job where I lived, and had connections, since her career was more mobile. Especially since the LDR became far easier to handle with my new salary to cover our monthly flights.

 

The Decline:

Her 4th year of school included a full year of rotations where she moved to the other side of her state. This was fantastic at first because she loved the new location so much more. Previously she had always hated where she lived and would frequently talk about how much she regretted moving across the country for school. She also gained a new group of friends and started going out more which I more than encouraged because she was so much happier. This all changed when she came back to stay with me last June (she had a month off). One or two days into her visit she started crying shortly after we'd had sex. I was obviously extremely concerned and asked her what was wrong. Her response was that she felt really guilty; apparently she was having a great time at her new location and didn't really want to come back to my place. I was completely shell shocked and we talked for the next few hours. She said she still loved me and really wanted to work on things, but had lost the excitement and "spark" in our relationship. Over the next month I bent over backwards to reconnect with her (yes I now realize that was a mistake and HUGE red flag) and I thought we would make it since there WAS ONLY 6 months left in our LDR. She left after the trip and we seemed to be back on good footing, however the damage was already done. Long story short, over the next few months she grew more and more distant while I grew more and more clingy. As everyone knows, thats a terrible combo...

 

The HORRIFIC Breakup:

We had a previously planned trip with her family at some resort in the middle of nowhere Virginia. As soon as I arrived, and she picked me up from the airport, I could tell how incredibly distant she was. It didn't help that we were with her family who she never sees and also wanted to catch up with. The last night she literally cringed when I went to give her a good night kiss. I freaked out and told her I couldn't take it anymore and that she needed to decide if she wanted to be with me. She said she couldn't do it anymore... I just want to emphasize that she was previously growing distant, but the degree to which she'd pulled back that weekend was a complete shock to me. We'd always worked things out before and she always said she was only stressed and busy. I couldn't blame her for this since I'd been in the same stressed situation the previous year. That night I called to get my flight home moved up, but we still needed to spend the night in the same hotel bed. YIKES! We both cried all night and she kept saying she felt like she was making a huge mistake and that she still loved me. The next day she told me she really wanted to work on herself and wanted to get back together with me after she finished school and had everything figured out. She hugged me goodbye and was sobbing throughout it all. At the time I was so desperate that I clung to that hope with a passion. Summing up our final conversations I left thinking we were just on a very long break and would get back together in 6 months or so.

 

The Two Week Denial:

For the next two weeks all I thought about was how much I missed her, but also naively optimistic for the future and in MEGA denial. After all, how could this person possibly leave me? I'd spent 4 years with them and had planned our entire future together. We were planning to get married and how could she possibly through that away? Two weeks later I cracked and reached out... Her response was that she really needed the break and that it wasn't fair to either of us to drag it out and that I should consider the relationship completely over. At this point I probably stayed on the phone silently for 30 seconds or so. I eventually said she was making a huge mistake and hung up the phone without saying anything else.

 

The Start of NC:

I immediately blocked her on all social media because any image of her gave me immediate panic attacks and nausea. I constantly wanted to reach out so I deleted her number to remove the temptation. I will fully admit that the first few weeks were the worst time in my life. Other than a few short relationships I had never been dumped and had no frame of reference on how HORRIBLE they are. I tried going to the gym, but had no energy to do anything - work was the same. I rehashed the breakup, and decline, over and over again. I suspected that the new attention she was receiving from the guy "friends" in the new city contributed greatly to the breakup. As a result I constantly imagined her rebounding and had multiple panic attacks a day. It's embarrassing to admit the amount of time I spent googling "how to deal with a breakup", "how to get over depression", etc etc. The mornings and evenings were the worst - I just wanted to freaking sleep, but the ******* hamster wheel in my head just kept spinning about how screwed and miserable I was without her. I constantly checked my phone thinking she would reach out and every time my phone was blank I would dive back into despair. Fortunately my friends were incredible and I did my best to never be alone, but at the same time always felt alone. I know people can relate to that feeling, but it's bizarre to try to explain.

 

The Recovery:

After a month I finally started to notice the sunshine again (barely) and was able to begin distracting myself. Just noticing that I felt a SLIVER better helped me to realize that I actually was healing, and that the hellish existence I was in wouldn't last forever. I began hitting the gym which felt phenomenal. In the past I had always been passionate about exercise, but graduate school had stomped that out of me. It was refreshing to get that feeling back. I continued to reach out to friends and started to view it as a fun opportunity to socialize and not just a distraction. I slowly lost the urge to constantly bring up my breakup and vent to my friends. At this point in time I also consciously started to refer to her as My "ex". It may seem trivial, but this really helped me to begin reinforcing it was over. After two months I experienced my first genuine laugh at something I thought was funny. I can't tell you how good it was to laugh just for the sake of laughing. Previous to that I'd always had the urge to text my ex about the "funny" thing I saw just to get sad when I realized I couldn't.

 

The Here and Now:

It's been 3.5 months since the breakup and I still get depressed and anxious from time to time. This happens the most when anything hard happens in life and I can't talk to her; previously my ex was always my go to person to talk to and get things off my chest. Now I just have to self process, which has been a challenge, but I am making progress. I am also honest with myself in saying I'd have a hard time saying no to her if she reached out. I need to prioritize my healing effort to make sure when/if she comes back I know that I deserve better and would never be able to trust her again. With all that said I am clearly in a FAR better place than I was immediately following the breakup. The recovery was not linear, but I'm just trying to focus on the fact that I AM STILL BETTER than I was. In the end, the thing I am proud of is that I've never contacted her again. I continue to look forward to the day where I don't think of her, but I'm honest with myself and know that is far down the road.

 

The Advice:

Go NC IMMEDIATELY! I wasted two weeks of my life before going NC and that essentially added two weeks to the worst part of the recovery process. Seeing as how that was one of the worst experiences of my life, I basically added two weeks of torture to the breakup. That sounds stupid right? Just go NC. There's a reason that literally everyone on LS preaches it.

[Highndry]

...This all changed when she came back to stay with me last June (she had a month off). One or two days into her visit she started crying shortly after we'd had sex. I was obviously extremely concerned and asked her what was wrong. Her response was that she felt really guilty...

 

 

Because she was sleeping with another guy. It's ALWAYS another guy. Do you think she would toss you away when there was nobody else in the wings? Of course not.

 

You are lucky this was a long distance relationship because you weren't living with her and didn't have that daily contact. You were able to bounce back much quicker. You'd have a harder time if you had spent thousands upon thousands of hours with her.

 

Glad you're feeling better. You'll find somebody better.

[Equanimity]

You are lucky this was a long distance relationship because you weren't living with her and didn't have that daily contact. You were able to bounce back much quicker. You'd have a harder time if you had spent thousands upon thousands of hours with her.

 

I am SOOO glad that I didn't need to physically separate my life from hers. I've read so many other peoples stories, where they lived together, and it sounds awful.

 

However, I will say the LDR relationship added a weird twist to the breakup process. I started to realize that I wasn't necessarily missing her, but amplifying the process of mourning the future relationship. During a LDR you constantly fantasize about when the long distance will be over. Your main goal in life is reaching that finish line and it almost becomes an obsession. Once that goal is taken away you lose your sense of purpose and need to recalibrate. Just a weird concept that I noticed was a little different from a standard relationship. Not worse, but different.

[Highndry]

I would never, ever do a long distance relationship like that. It's not satisfying at all. In fact, I can't remain close to somebody I rarely see. I need to see her, touch her, laugh - whatever.