wondering how you guys would feel about this parenting situation

February 8, 2019

I’ve been dating this guy for a year and a half but only becoming kinda serious in the last few months. He told me about his arrangement with his son’s mother on our second date and I’ve been mulling it over ever since and I still don’t know how I feel about it. I can’t quite decide what it means about what kind of person he is.

He and the mom were together for two years, but he says things were strained the last few months and he finally told her he wanted to end it. Two weeks later she came back with a positive pregnancy test and wanting to get back together. He didn’t want children and he didn’t want to be in a relationship with her, but he didn’t want to pressure her into anything. He wanted her to do what she felt was right knowing that he wasn’t going to be a big part of the picture. But he told her that if she wanted to have the baby he would buy her a house and if she wanted to stay home he would give her $40,000/yr while she did that. He would also want to know the child but not be involved with the day to day stuff.

So that’s how things are now. His son is 10 and she’s a stay-at-home-mom. He usually sees the kid once a month or so depending on how much he’s in town, but I know he recently went three months without seeing him. They have always done a three week vacation during the summer, him, mom and son, in the country where his father and siblings live and he spends a few days around xmas with her family. When he talks about the kid it’s obvious that he loves him and feels some connection, but also seems like he is perfectly happy with that level of involvement.

I go back and forth in my thinking. In some ways it seems he’s doing right by her, but I can’t imagine wanting that sort of relationship with my children.

Thoughts?

February 8, 2019

They’re married?

February 8, 2019

No, they broke up before the positive pregnancy test and never got back together.

February 8, 2019

Well, it’s not the usual situation, that’s for sure...

Aside from the fact that I personally have a problem with the fact that he has tried to solve this problem by throwing money at her and he has enabled them to be totally dependent on him... something that I personally think is not healthy or in their best interest...

There is the fact that he has a very arms length relationship with his son. It would not be what I would want for my relationship with my children, but I suppose it works for them.

How does he feel about your children? Does he show interest and/or interact with them? I ask because, he could be their stepfather if you continue to get serious about this relationship... and if he has an arms length relationship with his own son, I would worry about the relationship he may develop with your sons. Obviously, you don’t want to introduce anyone to your own children who is not going to love them and treat them with kindness and respect.

February 8, 2019

My problem (red flag) with this is the kid is 10 and she is a stay at home Mom???

Umm, the kid is in school. Why is she not working? Something sounds off here.

Are you 100 percent sure they are not still a couple? I don't see why he is supporting her when most single moms would just get child support.

February 8, 2019

Geez he must be on pretty good money and he's certainly more than fair in that way.

But not a hope in hell l would be happy denying my child of as much of a father as l could possibly be in that situation. So being content with once a month is strange.

But on the other hand all the holiday thing is a huge effort, that wouldn't be easy with any ex let alone the families as well.

Does he have a reason or some strategy as to why he's content seeing his own child only once a month and not being a much bigger part pf his life?

February 8, 2019

That’s not parenting...that’s financing.

Any man that would be satisfied with that strikes me as low moral character.

February 8, 2019

Sorry, what I meant to say was that I would worry that he would be resentful of the time commitment you are required to parent your children, when he has basically abdicated this role himself.

Do you think he would be demanding of your time and/or become frustrated when you are not devoted 100% to him and your relationship? Would he want to spend time with your children (considering that he doesn’t spend much time with his onwn child).

It’s down the road, but why waste more time with a man if he has very different priorities for life. Nothing wrong with a casual relationship, but if you are considering getting more serious... you will need to think about these things.

February 8, 2019

Sooo, I think he looked at it like this — he didn’t want a child, he wanted her to not be pregnant, but he saw that as her decision. If she was going to have the baby, he wanted the baby taken care of but not by him. I don’t think he looked at it like HE was having a child.

He has never said this to me, but I suspect she got pregnant on purpose hoping that would keep him around. Not sure if that’s relevant to the moral/ethical issues, but might have factored in somewhere in his willingness to engage and to take this on in a way that was going to derail his life.

As for my kids, he hasn’t met them and I’m not thinking/feeling like that’s important to me. My kids are important to me and he’s important to me, but having them meet is not something I feel like I’m dying to see happen. I think it would be fine if they met, I just don’t think either he or my kids will feel like their lives are enhanced by the other. My kids have only met one of my boyfriends and from very early in that relay, I thought that I wanted for him to meet them because they’d like each other and he would be a positive in their lives and he’d be good to them. This guy would like them and be pleasant to them and he’s likable, so I’m sure they’d like him, but he’s not going to take on s big role in their lives. But I’m not sure I need a partner to do that. They have a father and they’re with him 50% of the time. And if I ever live with him, I could see that being 5 years from now, at least, when my youngest would be in high school. I’m not really having fantasies about living with him, though I do kind of think about the idea of being with him for the long haul.

I’m sure culture also has something to do with this and he may also have always felt pretty negative about becoming a father because of his situation growing up. He’s from a culture very different from mine and his father had quite a few wives and nearly 50 children. I don’t think it was easy for him growing up and he seems to have rejected everything about that life — never been married and I think ours might be the most significant relationship he’s ever been in. The only person he describes as having been a girlfriend is his sons mom and he says they were never serious.

His background probably also informs his feelings about what is appropriate in terms of supporting the mom. He has the means and he wants to make sure sh and his son are financially set. As far as her being dependent on him, that may work for indefinitely. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the house he bought her is worth a million dollars now (haven’t seen it but I know the neighborhood) and it is hers. And her being a SAHM to a 10 year old is not the norm but I know others who do it and are happy. I was a SAHM until my little one was seven.

He’s a very warm person and when he talks about his son, he’s very sweet. But I don’t get the feeling that he really misses him or wishes he could see him more. He seems content being a devoted uncle.

I’m really not sure that I think this is a bad thing about him, especially since I’m not looking for a step-father. He’s very supportive and respectful of me putting my kids first always. OTOH, I can’t wrap my head around what he feels about it all. It’s pretty foreign to me. But I chose to have my children and felt in complete control of it. I’m not sure what it would feel like to be forced into parenthood.

February 8, 2019

Sorry, what I meant to say was that I would worry that he would be resentful of the time commitment you are required to parent your children, when he has basically abdicated this role himself.

Do you think he would be demanding of your time and/or become frustrated when you are not devoted 100% to him and your relationship? Would he want to spend time with your children (considering that he doesn’t spend much time with his onwn child).

It’s down the road, but why waste more time with a man if he has very different priorities for life. Nothing wrong with a casual relationship, but if you are considering getting more serious... you will need to think about these things.

I think, not sure, that he sees mothering as being very necessary to a child’s health and well being, but not so much fathering. He actually likes to talk about my kids and his. But neither of us has ever made a move to introduce them.

I feel like this is still early days for us. The first year was very casual. I wasn’t expecting to ever catch feelings. To me he was a bit of a curiosity. It was only six months ago that I realized that I really liked him and I like him even more now. But I don’t feel like I know him well enough to say I love him.

ETA: One more thing, in terms of my kids, like I said, I’m not looking for someone to parent them, but I am hoping to model a healthy relationship for them and/or a healthy single-ness. I don’t think they need to spend a substantial amount of time with whoever my guy is to see that in my life. And so far we seem very healthy together, IMO. But it’s early. We’ve never had an argument and we’re always happy to see each other. No idea what it’ll look like in a rough patch.

Edited February 8, 2019 by grays

February 8, 2019

I don't know that anyone is really in a position to judge...

He's doing the right thing in terms of taking care of finances...The fact that she's a SAHM is really no one's business..Some women stay at home with kids until they leave the house...That's their prerogative..

I dunno, grays...It doesn't sound out of the ordinary, but if you think you want something else or you want more of the attention directed at you, then that's going to be your fork in the road...

I just don't see it as odd...Perhaps unconventional, but not odd..Most guys I know, even if their relationships with the mother falls apart, want to do what's right for their kid....And if that means making mom happy at the same time, they do that as well..

TFY

February 8, 2019

Sadly his child might grow up with psychological issues for having an absent father. Maybe deep down he realizes that hence he decided to support the mom as a 24/7 maternal figure who might make the bond be a strong one, to try and avoid these issues. Still I’m not sure it will.

I’m also not sure what it means when a father doesn’t want to be that involved with his child... as in, what does it say about his personality? I think it would bother me.

February 8, 2019

That’s not parenting...that’s financing.

Any man that would be satisfied with that strikes me as low moral character.

This is where my uneasiness comes from of course. Is it alright to have a child but not to parent them? And I’m really not sure.

He felt that he could not/did not want to demand she get an abortion because he felt that it was her body, her choice. I’m not sure what the moral/ethical requirements of the parent who doesn’t want to have the baby should be, if one wants it knowing the other doesn’t. An awful lot of men in that situation push hard for abortion or walk away (my father did both actually). His answer was to not give up his life as he knew it but to do what he could to make it possible for her to be a more present parent, rather than a struggling single mom.

I’m not arguing that it’s morally ideal. I really don’t know how I feel about it.

February 8, 2019

I don't know that I would call the guy out as having "low moral character" as was opined above.

It really boils down to the best interests of the child. And I realize that the OP is not really in a position to judge whether or not the son is happy. The son does have a mom who, not having to work, will have tons of time and energy to dote on him. They have a paid for house, so although he wouldn't know that, it would also ease pressure on mom and presumably make her less stressed.

And he has a father who he apparently enjoys going on long vacations with.

It may not be optimal (my judgment), but if both he and the ex are content with the arrangement, and the son is happy and healthy, then who are outsiders to judge them too harshly?

February 8, 2019

Sadly his child might grow up with psychological issues for having an absent father. Maybe deep down he realizes that hence he decided to support the mom as a 24/7 maternal figure who might make the bond be a strong one, to try and avoid these issues. Still I’m not sure it will.

I’m also not sure what it means when a father doesn’t want to be that involved with his child... as in, what does it say about his personality? I think it would bother me.

It does bother me, but not sure if it should or how much. If I was in my 20s it would be a deal breaker.

It’s interesting and, I think, nice that he has no bitterness about this at all. He’s never suggested that this was unfair to him. I don’t think he wishes that she had had an abortion.

February 8, 2019

I don't know that I would call the guy out as having "low moral character" as was opined above.

It really boils down to the best interests of the child. And I realize that the OP is not really in a position to judge whether or not the son is happy. The son does have a mom who, not having to work, will have tons of time and energy to dote on him. They have a paid for house, so although he wouldn't know that, it would also ease pressure on mom and presumably make her less stressed.

And he has a father who he apparently enjoys going on long vacations with.

It may not be optimal (my judgment), but if both he and the ex are content with the arrangement, and the son is happy and healthy, then who are outsiders to judge them too harshly?

I think this is how it is. I don’t know how the kid feels or what he will feel when he’s grown. But I’m not at all sure this is terrible for him or even negative. If one of my woman friends decided to purposely have a child on her own via sperm doner, I wouldn’t see that as a moral problem.

February 8, 2019

It really boils down to the best interests of the child. And I realize that the OP is not really in a position to judge whether or not the son is happy. The son does have a mom who, not having to work, will have tons of time and energy to dote on him. They have a paid for house, so although he wouldn't know that, it would also ease pressure on mom and presumably make her less stressed.

And he has a father who he apparently enjoys going on long vacations with.

It may not be optimal (my judgment), but if both he and the ex are content with the arrangement, and the son is happy and healthy, then who are outsiders to judge them too harshly?

Agreed..

Most fathers, even in conventional relationships, that maintain SAHM usually work long and hard to be able to pull all the load...They miss out on a lot of stuff, unfortunately......IMO, what this guy is doing might actually be better than a conventional married couple that drop infants and little kids off at daycare while they both beat their brains in out in the corporate world..Then they are so tired out from work they just put the kids to bed and repeat the same thing the next day...

TFY

February 8, 2019

Who in their right mind buys a house for someone and pays them to stay home when you are not married and do not have a relationship???

Call me crazy but if it were me, I would pay her child support and spend as much time with my kid as I could.

February 8, 2019

I’m for one am not judging, I just read a lot about psychology and I know absent maternal AND parental figures can screw someone’s life - specially later in life in their adult relationships but also in general. My parents have been married for over 50 years, and I still have attachment isssues that mess up my adult relationships as they were too busy in my childhood and I grew up with nannies.I would imagine a child growing up without a consistent and available parental figure can really cause longterm issues that are not easily seen when you’re a child. They manifest in adulthood. Of course most people don’t know these things but instinctively they should. I find a little flabbergasting the fact that some don’t care about all this. But some are just emotionally incapable of, mainly the ones who experienced the same as a child. If his father had 50 children, he was certainly also absent for him. Cycles repeat over and over...

—

Small snipets as examples but I don’t have much time now to choose the parts that make more sense -

https://ct.counseling.org/2017/09/viewing-fathers-attachment-f%E2%80%8A%E2%80%8A%E2%80%8Aigures/#

“In reality, both fathers and mothers are important, and not just as a means of feeding, bathing and sheltering their children. Their importance extends beyond meeting the family’s physical and safety needs.

(...)

Research has shown that children who grow up without consistent father involvement commit more crimes, become teenage parents more frequently and are unemployed more often than are children who grow up living with both of their biological parents full time. (...) According to the research, children growing up without father involvement were also found to perform more poorly in school, use drugs more frequently and have other social problems even when controlling for generally lower income.

(...)

These statistics help to illustrate the lack of attachment that many children have with their fathers. An attachment is characterized by intense feelings of intimacy, emotional security and physical safety in association with an attachment figure. Attachments are significant throughout one’s life, and they can vary over time. When established in early childhood, attachments can continue, but new ones can also be formed during later childhood or in adulthood, and current attachments can be reinterpreted with new perspective and conditions. The goal of attachment is to have a secure relationship with several caregivers to improve normal social and emotional development.

It may not be optimal (my judgment), but if both he and the ex are content with the arrangement, and the son is happy and healthy, then who are outsiders to judge them too harshly?

February 8, 2019

Who in their right mind buys a house for someone and pays them to stay home when you are not married and do not have a relationship???

Call me crazy but if it were me, I would pay her child support and spend as much time with my kid as I could.

Most divorced guys allow their ex wives to remain in the house, even though they could force a sale if they wanted to......And the scenario the OP posted isn't rare either...I know of a few...They want a comfortable and stable place for their kid to stay/grow up in...I didn't hear her mention it, but I would imagine that he bought the house and is allowing her and the kid to live there...At some point the house would be sold and he'd get the money back, or she'd be asked to buy him out or vacate and allow him to get out of it once the kid is old enough to leave the nest...

Point is, this is not a crazy scenario...Especially if the guy could easily afford it..

TFY

February 8, 2019

Actually, TFY, the house is hers. I think he feels that she is giving up a lot (a career) to be a good mom and I think he feels that she really is a good mom and wants to make her life better/be good to her.

February 8, 2019

Grays did mention the house is in her name. Although the house provides security, it cannot replace the emotional needs a present paternal figure provides. See my post above. There’s a high chance the child will grow up to have emotional issues in adulthood. The fact he doesn’t care about it, as Wallys mentioned above, says a lot about his moral character. But then again, he probably didn’t get it from his father either, which explains the cycle.

I’d prefer to have a present father than a paid house to live in.

I didn't hear her mention it, but I would imagine that he bought the house and is allowing her and the kid to live there...At some point the house would be sold and he'd get the money back, or she'd be asked to buy him out or vacate and allow him to get out of it once the kid is old enough to leave the nest...
TFY

February 8, 2019

And I agree, edgygirl. A lot of it is probably informed by his upbringing. The stuff about needing two stable attentive parents I agree with, too, but I’m not sure there aren’t other arrangements that would work, too. I think his son is very close to the moms family and has other people around that are good for him. I’m not sure if he’s got the ideal mix, but I have known families that aren’t structured traditionally that are very loving and may approximate the ideal or even have strengths that most two parent households don’t. For my kids, I wanted and thought they were going to have two loving parents who loved each other. I was shocked and horrified when I realized that wasn’t the case. It seems to rarely be the case, tho. It’s shocking that your parents have been together for 50 years, but as you said, that didn’t guarantee perfect results.

February 8, 2019

If the arrangement works for them, then I guess that's fine, but personally I think it's pretty appalling that he doesn't spend more time with his son. You won't find me on this site in the evenings or weekends, unless I'm doing something work-related, because that's family time. I simply cannot imagine going a month, let alone three months, without seeing my son if I had any ability to spend more time with him.

February 8, 2019

Actually, TFY, the house is hers. I think he feels that she is giving up a lot (a career) to be a good mom and I think he feels that she really is a good mom and wants to make her life better/be good to her.

That seems a bit strange...I wouldn't know any guy that would do that in that scenario...Maybe he put up the down money and she is making the payments on it?? I dunno...Maybe he's swimming in so much cash or the house was a very inexpensive small type place...That makes not much sense..Maybe you aren't getting all the details...But whatever...if he did it, that's noble on his part...

TFY

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