Divorced now; was I a cheater and an adulter?

[elaine567]

Divorce that manipulative woman and be with someone who treats you with dignity.

 

 

He is already divorced, but is finding it difficult to live with his own actions and the reactions of those around him to his actions...

He has been disowned by friends and family and his relationship with his kids is at an all time low...

[Turning point]

He is already divorced, but is finding it difficult to live with his own actions and the reactions of those around him to his actions...

He has been disowned by friends and family and his relationship with his kids is at an all time low...

 

I don't have knowledge or insight to these details or other character aspects that might have precipitated what you describe, or even motivated his wife's behavior.

 

Is it possible over time his wife ultimately withdrew from an abusive spouse? Certainly, but that information is not in this particular thread.

 

I'm addressing only the specific story presented here and acknowledging that when a spouse emotionally and physically shuts out their partner - they have effectively and secretly ended the marriage unilaterally. They own the risk that their partner will never again return to them. The question of when someone divorces is moot because divorce is like a postage stamp - something applied only after the letter has been written and sealed.

[stillafool]

Jamess1, I get you are trying to help me (thanks) but really.

She wasn’t cheating. And my kids are so blatantly my own it’s not funny. I don’t need a DNA test to tell me that anyone can just look at them and see it.

 

I’m quite familiar with the Alpha-male beta Mr nice guy thing. Doesn’t apply here.

 

It’s not about why the relationship ended, it’s about how. We were “in the process” of separating with plans to sell the house, move, divide our assets and share custody. I left the home (in agreement with my wife) to give (and take) space until we could work through all that. 4-5 weeks later I met someone else and a short time after that after going home and confirming that 1) my wife was still detached and 2) she still wanted the separation, I became intimate with the OW before any seperation papers were signed.

 

That is the issue. I thought we were done pending filing papers My wife felt there was an ever so small chance we would still come back together after the separation.

 

I do not feel I cheated because we were already done and in the process of splitting and I never had marital relations with my wife again after I was with the OW (or many months before actually) I need to help my ex-wife understand the relationship didn’t end because I cheated, it was already over before I met OW and she played her part in everything until that point. I do feel I technically committed adultery. Somehow I need to make that right with God.

 

You might as well give up trying to convince your ex wife of anything. She abandoned your marriage long before you cheated. She gave you permission to get another woman before you were even divorced. She's got some nerve. I don't know why you give a hoot about what she thinks or feels at this point. She knows she is the cause of the demise of your marriage but finds it easier to blame it on you. Just enjoy your kids when you have them, tell them the truth of what happened when they are older. They will understand later on.

 

You need to stop communicating with your ex wife. She's still trying to control you and you're letting her.

Edited February 22, 2019 by stillafool

[zouz71]

OP , Forget about definitions of Cheating and Adultery in books ...

 

Who cheats first , A partner who refrain from intimacy and neglects the need of the other one ? or the one who slip in a sinful act after years of sex deprivation ?

 

It happens for both men and woman .

 

I believe the moment someone neglects partner need under the umbrella that he/she is a saint , that marriage is over .

 

 

Vows are not words , they are deep promise that they will be together in everything ,

 

if one can not even make the partner happy by fulfulling a physical need , what will they do when they become sick ?

 

Forget about what happened , you are free now , enjoy your new sex life , with caution , and do everything you have dreamed off .

 

You are lucky !

[elaine567]

I don't know why you give a hoot about what she thinks or feels at this point.

 

This not really about her per se, it is about the effect she is having on his kids and friends.

He cannot refute her allegations as they are actually true, hence the problem...

Mitigating circumstances maybe, but who really cares about mitigating circumstances when cheating is involved?

Cheating is pretty black and white to most. His is a Christian community too - tough crowd I guess.

 

"He cheated..."

"BUT, she did this and that and the next thing..."

"Who cares? He cheated - the blaggard..."

[pepperbird]

op,

I have very rigid views when it comes to cheating, and even I don't think what you did was that wrong.

What your (then) wife did was effectively abandon your marriage. I can't help but wonder how long she would have wanted you to stay in limbo, and I also wonder if she was seeing someone on the side long before you ever started seeing this other woman.

My guess? She wanted divorce on her terms and didn't t want to look like the bad guy. Now she can blame it all on you. Nasty move of her part.

[Turning point]

This not really about her per se, it is about the effect she is having on his kids and friends.

He cannot refute her allegations as they are actually true, hence the problem...

Mitigating circumstances maybe, but who really cares about mitigating circumstances when cheating is involved?

Cheating is pretty black and white to most. His is a Christian community too - tough crowd I guess.

 

"He cheated..."

"BUT, she did this and that and the next thing..."

"Who cares? He cheated - the blaggard..."

 

I don't think he cheated. I don't think God considers him an adulterer.

 

I think his wife is cheating in her narrative. I think God would think the wife foolish and vain.

 

I don't think God would condemn either of them.

Edited February 22, 2019 by Turning point

[loversquarrel]

{Adultery Definition: Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and another person who is not their married spouse.}

 

For those who are Christian and wish to follow the rules, it all seems pretty clear.

 

I'm only going to post a rebuttal regarding Christian's following rules. First is the idea of following the spirit of the law vs the letter of the law. Next is forgiveness. Forgiveness and confession are two major precepts of the Christian church. If op can own what he did and confess his sin to God then he will be forgiven. Humans are not divine and will break the rules, it is more about why the rules were broken and how one feels after that and what they do to seek forgiveness.

[loversquarrel]

In reading your posts op I really don't blame you. That being said I'm one who harbors strong feelings against going on a "break" or separation then end up sleeping with someone else. I think it's wrong as a break or separation is had with the idea of stepping back to evaluate a relationship with the intent on keeping some sort of timeline to decide on what course of action would be best. once you sleep with someone else you have pretty much undermined the purpose of the break or separation and have destroyed any chance of it ever recovering. You should have just walked away.

[Knightman]

op,

 

What your (then) wife did was effectively abandon your marriage. I can't help but wonder how long she would have wanted you to stay in limbo, and I also wonder if she was seeing someone on the side long before you ever started seeing this other woman.

 

 

My guess? She wanted divorce on her terms and didn't t want to look like the bad guy. Now she can blame it all on you. Nasty move of her part.

 

You are so right. My family has said to be multiple times that she cares a lot about how she looks to other people and she wanted to do this on her terms without looking like the bad guys.

 

Re: how long staying in limbo- I've often wondered myself. On the one hand when we agreed to separate we discussed filing a legal seperation and how to divide property, child custody, etc. so it was serious. On the other hand right before we told our children I asked her "are you sure you want to do this? It's going to be heart-breaking for our kids" and she said "yes, we have to do it. Maybe someday we can come back together but we need to do this".

 

So I've often thought maybe she would have been just fine being legally separated ("in limbo") indefinitely. I discussed this very thing with my councilor in our final hours, and the councilor said she's had long enough, if she doesn't come around you need to draw a line in the sand and be done.

[Knightman]

This not really about her per se, it is about the effect she is having on his kids and friends.

He cannot refute her allegations as they are actually true, hence the problem...

Mitigating circumstances maybe, but who really cares about mitigating circumstances when cheating is involved?

Cheating is pretty black and white to most. His is a Christian community too - tough crowd I guess.

 

"He cheated..."

"BUT, she did this and that and the next thing..."

"Who cares? He cheated - the blaggard..."

 

Elaine, you understand the situation correctly. Sometimes your responses are little hard for me to own, but I do believe you understand the situation and are just being honest in your replies so thank you for that.

[Knightman]

 

You need to stop communicating with your ex wife. She's still trying to control you and you're letting her.

 

I believe this to be absolutely 100% true. Others have told me the same thing. I just cannot understand why she would want to control given she was the one that abandoned the relationship. I can only assume it's because a) she wants to control things with the kids and b) maybe somehow it reinforces her narrative which absolves her of any responsibility in her own mind. I dunno.

[Knightman]

In reading your posts op I really don't blame you. That being said I'm one who harbors strong feelings against going on a "break" or separation then end up sleeping with someone else. I think it's wrong as a break or separation is had with the idea of stepping back to evaluate a relationship with the intent on keeping some sort of timeline to decide on what course of action would be best. once you sleep with someone else you have pretty much undermined the purpose of the break or separation and have destroyed any chance of it ever recovering. You should have just walked away.

 

This is SO TRUE. A big lesson for me, unfortunately learned too late. After we were separated and then divorced, I read that "separation is never a good idea. It is just running away from the problem". And there certainly was no discussion of a "timeline to decide on what course of action would be best". It was indefinite. After we were separated I tried to come back after a month and her response was "you've barely been gone". The honest truth though is she did say when we were separating "maybe we can come back together someday". So I guess she was leaving the door open somehow. I didn't cling to that as hope at all, because it was clear she was not coming around. I gave-up and was done.

 

This is fueling my guilt. I now am questioning if God expected me to never give up, even in separation, indefinitely.

[Knightman]

I should now move this thread to another section on spiritual matters.

 

At this point, the issue I'm concerned with is this: I am an adulterer. So what are the consequences?

 

Here is what I've concluded.

 

* Although I very much appreciate everyone's perspective, many of which assured me my actions were justified and therefore make me feel good, the reality is I have to find my own truth - I am the only one that can truly determine if my actions were right or wrong, and my moral compass is guided by what God says in the bible.

 

* I have accepted that by biblical definition I committed adultery. I also believe there were mitigating circumstances, including my wife not living up to her end of the marriage contract. I believe God will forgive me for the adultery I committed when I starting a new relationship with someone else before my divorce was final.

 

* Now the question is can I re-marry? Based on my research the answer is "No" for the following reasons.

 

* Since I committed adultery before my divorce was final, as the offending spouse God commands that I either seek reconciliation with my ex-wife or remain unmarried for the rest of my life.

 

* My ex-wife (the "offended spouse") has the option to remain divorced from me due to my "sexual immorality" or reconcile and remarry me. I'd say reconciliation is an uphill battle.

 

This is all spelled-out in numerous Christian writings on divorce and re-marriage. For example: and https://www.neverthirsty.org/bible-qa/qa-archives/question/if-i-committed-adultery-and-wife-divorced-me-can-i-marry-again/

 

Given all of this, I need to repent by ending my new relationship - a relationship I have been incredibly happy and satisfied in but none-the-less that God considers adulterous. Then I need to seek reconciliation with my ex-wife, and I'm at her mercy to forgive me or to leave me divorced because of my "adultery".

 

I feel that I was driven and tricked into being an adulterer and am now required to live with the direst of penalty as a consequence. I mean I was married for 26 years. It wasn't until months after we decided to *legally separate* (same as divorce - not a "trial separation") that I began the new relationship.

 

Spiritually, I'm in deep doo-doo, it's terrifying and I see no way out of it.

[stillafool]

I believe this to be absolutely 100% true. Others have told me the same thing. I just cannot understand why she would want to control given she was the one that abandoned the relationship. I can only assume it's because a) she wants to control things with the kids and b) maybe somehow it reinforces her narrative which absolves her of any responsibility in her own mind. I dunno.

 

Also remember she is used to controlling you and still thinks she has a right to. The church should forgive you and welcome you back and if they don't you're going to the wrong church.

[Turning point]

Let me clarify something.

 

I'm not justifying your actions. I'm suggesting that when God judges you on this issue he won't be using a calendar or a clock.