35+ single childless heartbreak

[RestlessAtSea]

I met my ex 6 years ago. I’ll be 36 soon. I thought this was it. He owned a home, a sweet dog, was financially stable, no baggage, tall, is 3 years older, intelligent, fit, & I was physically attracted. The last 2 years were toxic. We lived together. He started going out 4-5 nights a week, ignoring my calls, not communicating, and coming home the next day. Blatantly disrespectful. I cheated with an ex. He found out. We decided to work through it (he’s been unfaithful to me before).

 

8 months later, I moved out hoping things would change. They didn’t. He asked me to move back in constantly. He begged me to just get pregnant and he’d be more family oriented. Well 6 months after moving out I find myself pregnant. He’s become so nasty. He transferred money into my account, memo “abortion”. Told me not to contact him again. He doesn’t want to coparent. He doesn’t want a kid with me. I’m not allowed at his house anymore. He hates me. He lied to me when he said he wanted me to be pregnant. He never thought it would happen. I annoy him. He hates me. He hates seeing my name in his inbox. I don’t understand why. We fought mainly because of his actions or non actions.

 

I should hate him for all the things he’s said. I don’t. I want him to want me and our unborn child. I want a family. I’m 35...it’s hard to believe I’ll have the opportunity again. I’ve never felt so broken. So desperate. So hurt. I almost sent him flowers yesterday. I never thought I’d be this person. I can tell he’s serious. I just want to turn things around.

[Garcon1986]

Welcome to LS and sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. Can you clarify if you are married? Because if you are, the things to do are different than if you are just under "common law marriage".

 

If he is this abusive now, I forsee that it will only get worse - he probably put up a front to you, to reel you in - and now you know he doesn't really want the responsibility of being a husband and a father. You've found out the real man too late only after you've become pregnant.

 

The only way out of this scenario is to acknowledge that both of you are at fault, and it appears he is at fault more than you. You'll have to go to marriage counseling (whether or not you are married) and work on communication skills. Read "Mars and Venus on a Date" - you'll see all the ways than men and women communicate differently, and all the ways it creates frustration if not received and analyzed appropriately. If he isn't willing to do any of these things, you don't deserve an abusive relationship of where he makes you feel good only when he wants to, and abuses you when he wants to. You should pack your bags on this one. Make sure your financial future is relatively stable (i.e. get a job), and leave and mean it. The most powerful negotiating position is to be able to throw away a deal and MEAN it with the full force of your conscience. It's better now than never to learn that men and women get frustrated at different things and communicate differently.

 

Case in point - man gives woman a big lavish trip to Tahiti. Couple comes back, and 2 weeks later, woman tells man, you don't love me anymore, when she actually means, when are we going on a nice trip again? Man responds, how could I not love you if we went on that great trip? Woman gets frustrated, and says, you just don't get it. Truth of the matter is that the man needs to show many little signs of affection consistently. But neither party gets to the truth because their emotions get in the way.

 

Ask yourself if you two are willing to work through this kind of stuff. If not, the life of a single mother is better than the life of an abused mother.

[BaileyB]

I should hate him for all the things he’s said. I don’t. I want him to want me and our unborn child. I want a family. I just want to turn things around.

 

The heart wants what the heart wants, but it doesn’t change the facts. This is an abusive relationship. This man has been abusive toward you - he put money in your bank account with the memo “abortion.” What kind of a man does that to a woman, to his child?

 

Do you have any support OP? Parents or friends who can help you? Have you been to see a counsellor? Would you consider getting some counselling at a women’s shelter?

 

You need to distance yourself from this man. This relationship is VERY unhealthy. Please, seek support and take care of yourself.

[Tamfana]

I'm so sorry. But (and I hope this isn't hurtful to say) I'm happy for you that you're having a baby. That is just wonderful. Having children was the very best thing that ever happened in my life and I hope it will be for you. Would you be able to support yourself and raise your child without his involvement, maybe with help from friends and family? If he'd sign away all parenting rights (which it sounds as though he might) it would be better to raise a child without such a cruel person as a parent.