Do I have a Chance to Fix This

[Imnew1]

Hi there,

 

 

My ex (I'm 34 and she's 31) of 14 months just broke it off over 2 weeks ago. The previous month and a half she stopped having sex out of nowhere claiming that she wanted to start pleasing God and getting to where she wanted to be in life as far as marriage and kids and career, and that God would get her there if she did the right things. I love her and care about her as a friend at minimum (we started off as close work friends before dating) so I thought perhaps it was a test to see if I was serious about marrying her (I am) or if this was just me passing time having a hot cool girl to have sex with and waste her time. So I continued to hang out with her on the weekends (her new job had her getting home at 7:30 and in bed before 10 so it barely left any time for us to see one another). My interest dropped because of no sex and being frustrated about that, and everything started to feel forced between us.

 

 

 

I last took her out on 1/19/2019 to the movies and we were making out at the movies all over each other. The night before she blew me off saying that she had to go out with her boss (gay man) and could we do the movie tomorrow. She texted me the entire night and called me at the end at 12 am. After out movie on Sat she told me that she was going to a NFL party tomorrow (never thought to invite me) with some people from work. I called her 30 min after that game ended and she sent me straight to vm. I called her on Mon and she didn't answer. She called back but I was in the shower. I called her and it was late so no answer. I texted her good night and something sweet and she just read it on Tues morning with no response. I called her that night and she acted all sweet and loving. Then Wed I texted her some nice good morning love you text and she responded back that there were a lot of things on her mind and could we talk. Her reasons for wanting to break up were that my family didn't like her (who cares IMO, I'm not worried if her's likes me even though they do), and that she thought I was just content to date until forever and she wanted to have kids and get married, and she didn't think I did. Said she loved me, and always loved being with me and around me and always had a great time together but she wanted more and basically thought I would never give it to her. She asked if we could still be friends and talk (I told her I didn't know and had to go but no way in hell to being just friends with somebody that you'll always want to grab and kiss). I've texted her maybe 3x since then that I loved her and wanted to discuss moving in together like she always wanted. She just told me that we would talk when she got back in town (she wasn't out of town) and the last text I sent her on Tuesday she just read with no answer. So clearly she's gone for now, and doesn't want to talk. I feel like she broke up over stupid stuff unless it was much deeper than I knew

 

 

 

Ok now for the backstory on why she feels this way:

 

 

We started working together at the beginning of 2017 and she came on to me right away. Suggesting that we should hang out some time and always strolled back to my desk to bat her eyelashes and flirt. I was cautious because of a previous co-worker experience where I got used and friend zoned so I always was just work friendly and fun. Well she put the moves on enough to where we started dating in November 2017. By about January 2018 she was in love. She had the biggest crush on me since forever so it was pretty natural. We got along great, had the same exact interests, clicked easily, never fought or argued, and just had fun and enjoyed each other.

 

 

Well heading into March 2018 she started asking when was she ever going to meet my mom. She tried to invite herself to my brother's bday but I wasn't ready yet and she was tipsy that day so I thought no way. I finally agreed to let her meet my mom a few weeks later and told my mom (who somehow had never put 2 and 2 together that this girl and I were dating) that she wanted to meet her. She asked how serious I was about it and I told her that I just didn't see myself marrying anybody ever and I was just having fun. My mom told me that's wrong to lead a girl on like that and bring her over to meet her if I'm just wasting her time. So the morning that she thought she would be meeting my mom I called and broke it off and said I don't see us going to marriage, and I loved her and didn't want to hurt her like that. She agreed we could be friends.

 

 

Then hours later came all kinds of hateful, crazy texts, belittling me in every way possible, calling my mom a racist bitch (my ex is black and I'm white), etc etc. I just answered loving to every text. My mom checked on me and I told her that it was all just as well because the girl was saying the following about us. The next day she apologized and I felt horrible about dumping her. Well a few days later at work I started feeling the loss, and genuinely cared that she was ok so we got back together for a week. My mom and her good friend all told me I was an idiot for taking somebody back that would talk to me that way blah blah. So dumbly I broke it off again and offered to be just friends. She agreed and was sweet this time.

 

 

Well the next day I asked to hang out as friends and went over with all intentions of that, but as soon as I walked in I grabbed her kissed her and we had sex. Did that 2 more weekends, and we talked and texted every night like bf/gf until I called her on a random Tuesday where she didn't answer. The next day at work she said she had left her phone in the gym (lol). I went over that afternoon to hang out, and we went for a walk in the park where she said she didn't see this going to the end and could we just be friends. I told her no and walked away. She chased me all the way down the road with tears in her eyes. We hung out a few days later and she acted completely platonic. I asked her if she was already seeing somebody and she said no that she just needed time (she was already seeing somebody confirmed by snooping texts months later).

 

 

Well we still worked together and I got to see her, and talk. She came back from Miami and grabbed and kissed me in a break room on a Mon. Then she got real distant the next few days and wouldn't kiss me. I created a Tinder account and set it to 1 mile just to see, and sure enough she was on there. I screen shot it and texted it to her and said bye. She said bye back, and said we're not together so where is the confusion blah blah. She wanted to talk but I was disgusted with her. Well reading her texts months later, she sure enough hooked up and slept with a guy within 2 days after I busted her. But her emotions were all over the place, and I dumped her 2x in 2x weeks so one of my good friends told me I forced all of that, and it was all my fault and to give her a pass that I should have been doing the same (I'm not like that).

 

 

Well we got back together. I finally took her over to meet my family. She was still unsure and hooked up with a guy that she had used the "left my phone in the gym" excuse the day after I took her to meet my mom for the first time. Same friend told me that anything after June 2018 there better be nothing, but anything from April-May was my fault. We had an awesome summer. Nothing but fun, lots of drinking and sex. I began wondering if that's all our relationship was though and if she could be the mother of my kids with all her drinking.

 

 

My bday in July she showed up 45 min late after making a dish for my bday dinner that my mom cooks. She was red-eyed, and I went to her car and saw a half drank bottle of champagne. I just rolled my eyes as my mom is very traditional and conservative and I knew that was complete disrespect and I would never do that to her family. Anyways she came late, and got up early and left. Needless to say after calling my mom a racist bitch through text a few months prior, my mom was not very impressed with this girl.

 

 

A few months go by and we go to Jamaica. Great time until the last day when I thought our passports were stolen. We were both drinking that morning and she got pretty drunk when I started yelling at her at the beach to get serious bc our passports were gone. Yes I cursed at her, but only bc she was acting drunk and like it was no big deal. Well back in our room she showed where she had hidden everything and started belittling me again, slamming her finger in my face, talking hateful and violent. Ultimately she punched me in the face as hard as she could, and tried to do it again before I chucked her on the bed to let her know she better cut it out (I would never hit her).

 

 

We did other things in Jamaica that are here nor there, but have a massive impact on my mom's opinion. I got home and was laughing on the phone with a friend about our trip and my mom heard everything (her violence, us using cocaine). The next day she confronted me and told me to never bring that girl to her house ever again.

 

 

I had no idea what to do, as I had just crushed my mom with what she heard, and still loved my gf and wanted to make it work.

 

We kept hanging out and doing our thing, but I never invited her over. She went home for Thanksgiving, and the first week of Christmas she told me she was going home for that too. She gave my family a Christmas card which my mom doesn't write thank you's back for. So my ex felt neglected that nobody acknowledged it.

 

 

The whole no sex thing continued, she stopped drinking completely, started doing a prayer fast with a friend, and ultimately broke up bc she wanted to get married and have kids, and she thought my family would never accept her, and that she didn't want that for me or her.

 

 

I'm at a loss, bc she and I were great friends before dating, I always treated her great, she always had a great time with me, we always had great passionate sex before that, we had the same interests, we never fought bickered or argued, we were always easy going. And all not worth fighting for bc of parents?? For Christmas I gave her a $900 necklace from Shane Co, and she gave me a nice expensive present too. She let me buy $250 basketball tickets 2 weeks prior to breaking up only to dump me the next week. She also owes me over $1400 in money that I loaned her during hard times going back to May of last year that she's never paid back, but each time she borrowed she told me she would pay me back next week.

 

 

 

I texted her that I wanted to give her what she always wanted and we could move in together, and told her that I was going to marry her. She doesn't want to talk.

 

 

All I can do is NC and it sucks. Seems like there has to be something to fix this, when there were no issues between she and I. Should I even want this girl back? She literally is like my best friend. I love her, and she didn't give one reason about breaking up as to why she wasn't in love with me. I personally think she was lining up a replacement behind my back with that whole send me straight to vm move, and is exploring other options.

[d0nnivain]

What part of this do you think is in your control to fix? She came to conclusions about how she thinks God wants her to run her life. None of that has anything to do with you other then you are now the guy she won't have sex with anymore.

 

The previous violence & cocaine use are some indication that you two may be better off apart. You have had a lot of dysfunction & drama in your relationship (allegations of racism & possible binge drinking) To the extent that you can minimize those things in your life, you will be better off.

 

Perhaps let this go & hold on to the composure you will need to keep things professional at work.

[Imnew1]

What part of this do you think is in your control to fix? She came to conclusions about how she thinks God wants her to run her life. None of that has anything to do with you other then you are now the guy she won't have sex with anymore.

 

The previous violence & cocaine use are some indication that you two may be better off apart. You have had a lot of dysfunction & drama in your relationship (allegations of racism & possible binge drinking) To the extent that you can minimize those things in your life, you will be better off.

 

Perhaps let this go & hold on to the composure you will need to keep things professional at work.

 

I agree, so many red flags here. I would rather her have told me she met somebody else, or she’s not attracted anymore vs I don’t see a future of marriage bc your parents don’t like me. We had no drama on a daily basis. Easisest relationship I’ve had

[Redhead14]

I agree, so many red flags here. I would rather her have told me she met somebody else, or she’s not attracted anymore vs I don’t see a future of marriage bc your parents don’t like me. We had no drama on a daily basis. Easisest relationship I’ve had

 

"Easiest relationship I've had" -- Any time a partner in a relationship tells me that their relationship is/was easy, very often it comes out that it's because they did not communicate effectively at all. One or both of them is not putting their emotions, thoughts, ideas, etc. on the table and things are being bottled up. And, then one day, one of them just snaps or leaves and the other is blindsided. And, the "offending" partner, because of their inability to be open and honest up to that point, more or less lies about why they are leaving . . . They couldn't be upfront during the relationship about things that bothered them and they can't say it when they leave either.

 

She may have someone else but that isn't the reason she left . . . there was something not right in the relationship for her and she never really talked about it.

 

You can't change her. She's changing herself.

[Marc878]

It was amazing, awesome, we were so good together then you get dumped?

 

Anytime I see this I suspect projection. You are so into her that she must surely feel the same. Nope, her actions tell you she doesn't have the same feelings for you that you had fir her.

[Imnew1]

It was amazing, awesome, we were so good together then you get dumped?

 

Anytime I see this I suspect projection. You are so into her that she must surely feel the same. Nope, her actions tell you she doesn't have the same feelings for you that you had fir her.

 

Well I have to disagree. She was into me like crazy from the first 2 months we met. Her parting breakup was that she loved me, loved spending time with me, always enjoyed being with me, but that my family didn’t like her and she wanted to fet married and didn’t think I ever would. That sounds to me more like a girl who loved me but gave up bc she wasn’t allowed to come around my family

[d0nnivain]

Well I have to disagree. She was into me like crazy from the first 2 months we met. Her parting breakup was that she loved me, loved spending time with me, always enjoyed being with me, but that my family didn’t like her and she wanted to fet married and didn’t think I ever would. That sounds to me more like a girl who loved me but gave up bc she wasn’t allowed to come around my family

 

When one person in your life doesn't like your SO, that is a personality conflict. When everybody close to you doesn't like somebody that means you should take a close look to see what you are missing.

 

Plus none of this has to do with God or the lack of sex.

 

Which is it? Did God tell her to dump you or does your mother sound a lot like the voice of God to your EX?

[Redhead14]

"That sounds to me more like a girl who loved me but gave up bc she wasn’t allowed to come around my family"

 

"she wanted to fet married and didn’t think I ever would".

 

All of this sounds like she gave up because she wanted to get married but realized you never would ask her because of your family. She left because of you, not because the family didn't like her. You had the real issue with the fact that the family didn't like her and she felt you were dragging your feet because of it and cowing down to them.

[Imnew1]

"That sounds to me more like a girl who loved me but gave up bc she wasn’t allowed to come around my family"

 

"she wanted to fet married and didn’t think I ever would".

 

All of this sounds like she gave up because she wanted to get married but realized you never would ask her because of your family. She left because of you, not because the family didn't like her. You had the real issue with the fact that the family didn't like her and she felt you were dragging your feet because of it and cowing down to them.

 

Ok that’s fair. I texted her 2 days after our breakup that I loved her and was seeious about marrying her and was sorry if I had made her feel otherwise. She said “I love you too Imnew1”. Texted her the following Monday about moving in together like she always wanted. Her response was that we would talk when she for back in town. That was almost 2 weeks ago and nothing from her since then other than reading one more text where I told her I chose her over all the stuff she was worried about. Read and nothing.

 

So if it’s only her fear of me never marrying her and I’m trying to give her what she wants and telling her I choose her and will marry her one day and will move in with her and I’m trying to show it with actions by moving in, and she’s not answering then what else can I do. I’m trying to fight to save this and she’s just quit. Over non-sense that I can easily fix and can show her that I’ll fix

 

I don’t want to have to suck it up and chalk this one up as a loss, and let her find a new boyfiend bc I would never take her back if she sleeps with anybody else.

 

So call her and talk/ask to meet, or is that chasing and begging and pleading that will only make it worse?

Edited February 10, 2019 by Imnew1

[Redhead14]

You simply need to accept that she didn't get the validation and security she needed from you that demonstrated to her that she was your priority.

 

And, she should move on. This is something you need to work on for yourself -- unhooking yourself from your family in terms of allowing them to influence and affect your romantic relationships and looking for their approval.

 

"I don’t want to have to suck it up and chalk this one up as a loss"

 

If she doesn't answer your calls and won't speak to you, you don't have a choice, do you? I wouldn't hound her. If you want even the remotest chance that she may come around, you need to let her go. The tighter the grip you have on someone, the harder they will pull away and whatever feelings they may have left for you will turn to resentment.

 

I also want to say that "this" can't be fixed by living with and then marrying her because the real problem is the situation with your parents. Unless you've made some effort to address that, you would be wasting her time and yours. If you do want a chance at some point, you need to resolve that with your parents or at least make a real effort by sitting down and firmly explaining your position and asking them to respect your dating choices and treat them respect. If they are having this much influence and affect on your relationships, you're going to have this problem in the future with other dating prospects.

 

Your GF apparently told you before all this how she was feeling and you apparently didn't make a sincere effort to accommodate/improve the situation for her. Why should she come back? Now that she's gone you want to give her what she wanted???? In other words, as long as she tolerated a situation she was uncomfortable with and was otherwise working for YOU, you weren't going to change anything??? She should keep moving and so should you.

Edited February 10, 2019 by Redhead14

[Imnew1]

You simply need to accept that she didn't get the validation and security she needed from you that demonstrated to her that she was your priority.

 

And, she should move on. This is something you need to work on for yourself -- unhooking yourself from your family in terms of allowing them to influence and affect your romantic relationships and looking for their approval.

 

"I don’t want to have to suck it up and chalk this one up as a loss"

 

If she doesn't answer your calls and won't speak to you, you don't have a choice, do you? I wouldn't hound her. If you want even the remotest chance that she may come around, you need to let her go. The tighter the grip you have on someone, the harder they will pull away and whatever feelings they may have left for you will turn to resentment.

 

I also want to say that "this" can't be fixed by living with and then marrying her because the real problem is the situation with your parents. Unless you've made some effort to address that, you would be wasting her time and yours. If you do want a chance at some point, you need to resolve that with your parents or at least make a real effort by sitting down and firmly explaining your position and asking them to respect your dating choices and treat them respect. If they are having this much influence and affect on your relationships, you're going to have this problem in the future with other dating prospects.

 

Your GF apparently told you before all this how she was feeling and you apparently didn't make a sincere effort to accommodate/improve the situation for her. Why should she come back? Now that she's gone you want to give her what she wanted???? In other words, as long as she tolerated a situation she was uncomfortable with and was otherwise working for YOU, you weren't going to change anything??? She should keep moving and so should you.

 

 

That's all a fair assessment from an outsider. She told me a lot that she wanted to move in together. The last Saturday I took her out she told me that her bff that she was texting said hi. Then said, "your family never says hello to me". I mean I don't usually sit around and text my mom or dad or family when I'm with her. I guess I could have bs'd and said that they said hi. I just didn't see it as important. Plus my mom was deeply hurt still about everything she heard that happened in Jamaica.

 

 

I could have just told my parents to get over it, and moved in with my girlfriend and we would be happy now, and my mom would get over things. My parents would be accepting of the girl that I married. So again, to me this is all fixable. All I've got to do is move in with her, and tell my mom and dad they can deal with it, and learn to love her too or we won't be seeing each other much anymore. I'm ready to do that, but she's checked out for now. It sucks.