phonymcringring Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 hey guys, i‘m a bit desperate right now because i‘m not sure how to cope with my situation. we‘ve been dating for half a year and my bf needs a break from me after only a month of being together. we‘ve been seeing eachother twice a week, then he got sick and had an important family visit afterwards which made him not being able to see me for 3 weeks. i was totally okay with it though i‘ve told him sometimes that i would appreciate it, if he‘d write or call me more often than once in 3 days (because i need quite some attention from him and i‘m absolutely fine with only a few minutes a day of „how was your day?“ or „good morning and have a nice day“ you know, even just a message) well obviously he‘s not that type of guy and told me, it has nothing to do with him not being intrested enough in me, when he doesn‘t message me every day. it was a new situation for me though, because i knew it differently from my last relationships (i‘m 29 btw) but i tried to deal with it and respect his view. last week i obviously ****ed up a bit when his visit was gone and i thought finally we would see eachother the next day. he asked me for 3 days later and i admit, i was a bit pissed off, because i wanted to know what was so important for him to do the next day, that he wouldn‘t want to see me first. so i asked why not the next day and that question made him totally angry. i obviously pushed a red button. so long story short: he‘s super angry with me because he feels controlled by me and claimed i wouldn‘t trust him (which i do 100%) and he doesn‘t want to justify his plans, because he doesn‘t even justify towards is parents or boss. he said, he needs some time to calm down and i should respect that by not calling messaging him. we would talk about it sooner or later but he couldn‘t give me a hint how long i should wait. now i‘m sitting here crying my ass off, because he rejects any contact (though i am so needy and i don‘t know how to deal with it). i couldn‘t hold back and asked him to please stop ignoring me yesterday and it only made him more furious texting me i‘d make it worse because i wouldn‘t respect his wish to leave him alone. i know he‘s gonna text me sooner or later but i don‘t know what to do till then. i don‘t know if it‘s gonna be next week or next month. i feel so helpless and lonely. my friends and family try to comfort me by hating on him but that‘s not what i need. i like him and i want it to work out well with us and i can‘t hate on him. i‘m just terribly sad that i‘m not allowed to have contact to him and i don‘t know how to spend my time not thinking about him 24/7. i could deal better with a breakup because there‘d be no hope for me left but this situation is like hanging in the air not knowing or controlling anything about my life. maybe you guys have some more soothing words or tipps, if you‘ve experienced a similar situation, how you dealt with it. i‘m just so ****ing sad, it robs me my whole energy Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 During those three weeks, did you reach out to him at all? You said he'd get in touch maybe once every three days, but I'm trying to determine whether you also initiate or not. I also don't really understand this part: "we‘ve been dating for half a year and my bf needs a break from me after only a month of being together." Have you been together 6 months, or 1 month? It sounds to me like your relationship styles might not be all that compatible. He's fine with ample amounts of space, and you want more closeness. Is it that his interest level in you is just low overall? Perhaps. But it might also really be a matter of incompatibility. What concerns me is his reaction to you asking why you couldn't meet the next day. He comes across as defensive, which might be a reaction to how you phrased your request to see him, but I personally feel his level of anger is hinting at something deeper. It's possible he was looking for a way out and took this as his opportunity to end it and essentially blame it on you. You don't need to wait around for him, though. If he is unwilling to communicate, you can't do much else but call it a day for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author phonymcringring Posted February 10, 2019 Author Share Posted February 10, 2019 i reach out for him almost every day. i do that a few days and then i wait for him to do the same to not annoy him or anything. and while i wait, i‘m just sad, that he doesn‘t need as much contact as i do, but he always reaches out after 1/2/3 days. we‘ve been dating since summer and became a couple on new years eve. he took things very slowly. he said, he believes that it would last longer if we take the time and not hurry up. i know him from school and we‘ve been dating back 10 years ago but then lost touch when i moved to another city for some time. you‘re right, i also thought about our views of a relationship being to different, but i still want to make it work. i‘m actually fine with each of us having his sort of space but that‘s normal to me after being together for a few years. we‘re a fresh couple and i want to be around him all the time and it made me sad, that he sees that differently. he said more than once that it has nothing to do with his lack of interest in me, he just finds that social media made it almost an enforcement to be available 24/7 and he doesn‘t like that. i believe him. he‘s really honest but completly introvert. his reaction concerned me aswell. he said there are things that bother him more than other guys and me asking for permanent availability and justification of what he‘s doing would be such a thing, which is why he reacted so pissed off. i don‘t see me doing that so much, but his perception is obviously another than mine. i‘m also scared of our next meeting. if this is how he reacts when i make him mad, i don‘t know if i‘m gonna be able to deal with that kind of rejection. he could have shouted at me, be mad, anything but not cutting all bonds and expecting me to wait for i don‘t know how long. i really want this to work so much. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 I don't know, OP, he sounds like he's got a real chip on his shoulder. He's right that social media has changed people's expectations of availability and that he shouldn't need to justify where he is all the time. However, I don't get the impression that you're trying to contact him all the time anyway. What I see is that you are more emotionally invested than he is, and he's not comfortable with a lot of "togetherness." You want this to work, but understand that you might be looking at two clashing relationship styles that could be very difficult to overcome without you sacrificing a lot. You already say that you feel sad when he lets a couple days go with no contact at all, which is understandable, but it seems that this is who he is. I would take time to reflect whether this is the relationship for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author phonymcringring Posted February 10, 2019 Author Share Posted February 10, 2019 thanks a lot for your advice, i appreciate it Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 It sounds like he is trying to break up with you. Link to post Share on other sites
vinnyfl Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. Why do you even want to pursue a guy who is not the type to give you what you want? Many divorces and breakups are the result of two people who should not be together in the first place but for some reason want to go through hell form a relationship when relationship should come easy. I dated my wife for 3 weeks, got engaged and now married for 46+ years. Most of my friends have similar stories. They met, were compatible from the beginning and were married within a year. We are all married over 45 years. Those who struggled through a relationship are on their second or third marriages. You are just starting out and already it is so hard. How can you even like someone who is obviously not going to be what you need? Find someone else where it feels natural and easy. Relationships are hard enough as it is and to add more reasons to make it harder, is a recipe for disaster. Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Break (letting you know they aren't interested in you anymore)=break up. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 The more you chase, the farther & faster he runs away. You can't smother introverts the way you have been. But you also shouldn't put up with him shouting at you. He needs better conflict resolution skills. You two do not see eye to eye this relationship at all. Do you understand what he wants? I'm not sure but it's waaaayyyyy less then what you want. Why he needs another break after not contacting you for 3 weeks looks like he wants out of this relationship It was casual & he was OK. Now that it's official after such a short time he's realizing he doesn't want this. Let him go. You will save yourself tons of heartbreak Link to post Share on other sites
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