was my ex a narcissist, or just not that into me?

[meaghans1]

I have spent the last 6 weeks now (since the breakup) being caught in an obsessive whirlwind of going from blaming myself, to blaming him, to getting caught in toxic thinking and I need some type of insight. So, if anybody could help me I would greatly appreciate it.

 

I just moved here from Maine back in September. I met my ex the first few weeks here and things moved fast. I went from this solo journey across the US to spending most of my free time with this person. When I met him I was in such a happy place, I was starting a new job in this new area. and then I met this person, and I thought holy **** ...after years of challenges and heartache here I am with this amazing man.

 

He created cute dates for me, chased me, pursued me and acted interested in my life and my goals. About a month after hooking up/dates we had the conversation and decided to become official. This was right around the first of september. He invited me to his company party where he dropped the girlfriend word left and right. I felt that he was proud to be with me, and I felt proud to be with him. I will say however, that my past relationships ended with cheating, or cheating was a part of it. To the point where my family and friends legit think I'm cursed. My nick name is, smith finds **** out.

 

So, I didn't follow him on social media right away, andI think part of me did that to protect myself. I told him that I didn't think it was important and I wanted to get to know him not through a projected self image. Mind you, my relationship that ended prior to him, ended because I found the girls on instagram who my current partner was cheating on me with. My now ex, was very attractive, to the point where I found myself saying, why does he want to be with me? Mind you, I'm not an unattractive person, and I've been told my whole life ( and trust me I'm not saying this in an arrogant way) that I have been blessed with brains and beauty. But something about him, made me feel self conscious. However, how he chased me, made me feel worth chasing, I felt great about myself...when we were out on dates or when we had sex. I remember about a month in I said to him, this is so easy, and easy scares me, and he looked at me and said why cause you're wondering when the shoe is going to drop? Exactly, I thought. Because, I feel like, if you find your true soulmate you aren't waiting for the shoe to drop. It should be wow this is so great and I have no doubt...not, wow this is so great I feel like i'm not getting the whole picture.

 

So the company party passes and the following weekend his brother and friends come to visit. To be honest, i'm an empath and I didn't love his brother. Frankly, I found him to be a dick. He kept asking me questions like " Who is your favorite dictator, Marks or so and so" or "what are your thoughts on 9/11". He was deliberately putting me on the spot whether it was for comics or to vet me, I felt extremely awkward and insecure. I'm not the best historian, but I'm also not an idiot. I'm an oncology nurse and I work my ass off and I'm a good person. My ex and I had a great time that evening despite, and the following morningI met them for breakfast after they had had a guys night. Drew, is his name, was being very overly affectionate that morning. And while telling me about his night casually mentioned that one of the girls that they were hanging out with that evening tried to kiss him. He laughed it off but it pissed me off. He said it in front of everyone. His overtly affections then had me feeling more off and I confronted him and said, why did this girl try to kiss you and what messages were you sending where she thought that was ok? He said she was crazy and he couldn't control what other people did.That was about as deep as he could ever really get. We had amazing chemistry but he lacked this deepness that I have longed for in my relationships.

 

I dropped it and we moved on. The day we became official I started following him on instagram. Immediately, I started noticing things I didn't like. The photos he liked were a mix between dogs, and girls I knew he used to hookup with. I told myself to not be paranoid, that it was social media. But was I online liking photos of people I'd slept with in lingerie ( or in my case gym shots of guys ) No, I wasn't. And I wasn't doing those things, because I was in a relationship. My paranoia began to heighten, what I realize now, is that it was likely not my paranoia and more so my gut screaming THIS ISN"T OK. Everything I feared seeing on social media... I was seeing.Something else on his social media that screemed, not ok, was the fact that the last 16 of his photos, were all of himself, solo, half of which in a place of nature...with his shirt off. And who liked them? Plethora of women. I went from working days to working nights. I'd go anywhere from 3-5 days without seeing him. If I went and took a solo ski day during a midweek haitus he'd text me and ask about the mountain. But he never asked about me, or how I was, or how work was. I was showering this man with my love and affections in the beggining because I felt we were growing together. Then I started to realize, I'm giving this person so much of my light, and are they really giving me anything at all? I remember one time, in our 4 months together where he called me beautiful without it being motiavted by me saying " You look handsome".

So that brings us to the weekend of december 16th. We watched football all day, cooked together, hung with his friends, once they left had passionate sex in the kitchen on the counter. I felt okay again, I felt that he was with me.

I head into a stretch of 3 nights. The night I got out we were going to a friends christmas party. The party was fun and everything was fine. That night though when I went over I was all dressed up and he said nothing, I then told him it bothered me that even if I'm looking like I'm about to go to a ball he can't even dish out a compliemnt. He giggled and told me how pretty I was and we left it at that. The following day is when he was leaving for florida and I was watching his dog for a week. The night he left I went to go pick him up for tacos before I drove him to the airport and he had surprised me with a christmas tree. I felt so lucky, oh my gosh this sweet man , always does something in the moments where I'm doubting him. He got on the plane, and it was over a day and a half before we spoke. He didn't tell me if he landed or if he made it, meanwhile I'm back at his place watching his dog. I finally caved almost 48 hours after and texted him asking if he was there and having a nice time. He replied almost 3.5 hours later, and said yes and gave a nice synopsis, I replied and sent a selfie of his dog and I. That was at 4 pm... he never replied. I got out of my shift to a photo that he had sent me. It was a nude, a mirror picture of him with boxers flexing his abs. we had laughed about sending nudes as christmas presents. I replied and said oo la la. About an hour later I'm crawling into bed, and the same photo comes through. I thought, huh, weird, since he doesnt' have an iphone. I replied and said oh you sent that photo already. He immidietely replied and said "hm I didn't press anything for it to send twice, guess you just get two copies" I dropped it and then didn't reply. He then, started becoming much more attentive to me after that, and sweet. The following day he texted me a photo of him and his brother on the beach, half hour later, the same photo came through. Twice in two days? Now, I really didn't believe that his phone was glitching out.

I picked him up from the airport and he was distant. We had sex that night, he was distant. I went into two shifts at the hospital, no text, nothing, I felt him miles away from me. Finally, on saturday I caved and went to his place, sat with him while I cried and said I need to know if you still want this. I have this feeling in my stomach that I'm more into this and I dont know if I'm being crazy. This is the first time I cried in front of him. He told me that he didn't have a way to measure who was more into it, and that if he ever didn't want it he would tell me and say, meaghan I dont want this. He told me I needed to get some sleep and my surge of emotions likely was attributed to me being on my period and my lack of sleep. I went over back that night, I found him getting annoyed with little things I did or said, with each passive agrressive slap I slipped more into this place of feeling like I was about to lose him. The following morning he was sitting next to me on the couch when he opened a snapchat from his brother. I glanced over to see a line of girls and one best friend on his snap, a girl named nikki and a last name too. I found her instagram, she was a half naked 21 year old bartender who worked one block from his work. I confronted him on it, and asked who she was. He told me that they used to hangout but were just friends and "never had sex". Not that I asked....i thought. I asked what photos she sent him and he said "I dont know meaghan pictures of her face, pictures of her dog", I looked at him and said okay so some chick you used to hangout with is sending you selfies? I then said what the ****, and told him that he needed to be contientious of the fact that he was in a relationship. I reiterated the same question, do you even want this, and he said we wouldn't be sitting in this car together (now in whole foods parking lot) , having this conversation. I looked at him and I told him that I wouldn't do anything to hurt him, he said that yeah, thats a good place to start in a reltionship. I told him that I wanted this to work, and he said there wasn't any secret recipe. But in my mind all I wanted in that moment was for him to stand up and fight, to hug me in and to tell me that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. He asked that we stop talking about it.

 

Later that night we were sitting on the couch, I was being affectionate and he was getting colder. I asked what was wrong and he told me I was demanding too much attention. I went into the bathroom, sank to the floor and started crying. This isn't the person I fell in love with, and where everything seemed so ambiguous in those moments all I felt was that I was to blame.

I broke down to him, I told him that I felt like I was trying to fix something I didn't know how to fix or what I was trying to fix, all I knew was that we didnt feel like us, and how he was treating me made no sense. How could the loving boyfriend who showed up 5 days prior surprising me with a christmas tree, make me feel so ****ty. I told him I felt depressed, like I didn't have any friends here and after my mom had visited this week, and reopened a can of worms, id been having a difficult time. He reluctantly asked specifics, and I told him about some drama in my family, and how moving to colorado was how I escaped that, specifically, the history of the grandfather who had molested me as a child. He pulled me in, kissed me on the forehead, told me was sorry, and we laid there in silence.

THe silence stretched and I told him that I didn't tell him any of this to evoke pity, I'd made it this far but right now in my life, I needed some support. He broke up with me 20 minutes later. Told me I deserved better, and he wanted to be alone. I fell apart. and I mean, fell, the ****, apart. Blubber cried for hours, begged him for a better answer than " I deserve better". I asked if there was someone else, he said no. He said he liked me, and wanted to be with me, but wanted to be alone more. My mind thought back to the photos of the women and the half naked pictures ofthe girl on instagram who was his most talked to person on snapchat. I told him that I couldn't go through this again, he looked at me and said he knew that , and doesn't want to hurt me. I told him I loved him, he told me he didn't. I said I have nothing left, inside of me right now, I feel dead inside like I just want to curl up into a ball and die. I said I wanted to fly back home and he said that wasn't a good idea. I said what do I have here? I have no friends, I lost myself in this and i've become an extension of your life, I have no friends here, no family, and the one thing I thought was solid is leaving me abruptly with no reason. He said "I'm sorry, i know it sucks". That was the last thing I heard from him.

I got on a plane the next day and flew home to maine to be with my friends.

I sent him a text saying

 

" I miss you so much. I'm trying so hard to make sense of this. I keep thinking about all the things you did for me, and we did toether in our time as a couple that indicated you wanted this and saw the same future I did. I'm lost as I replay all the things you said and didn't say to me. Now, I am back in maine because the thought of being near you in this breaks my heart even more. I was sturggling, and I thought that I could open up and be vulnerable with you. Being broken up with 20 minutes after disclosing to you one of the most difficult obstacles of my life has been extremely painful. I understand now though, that you need to be with you. I'm sorry if I was ever too much. I wanted to show you how much you meant to me and maybe I overcompensated. If I ever did, it was only a result of the fear of losing something that mattered to me. It hurts like hell, but you cant make someone love you. you dont have to say anything, I dont have it in me to be angry with you, I'm just sad and I wish this feeling would go away. I want you to be happy and if that means you dont want me, well I guess thats it then. Thank you before all of this for showing me what it was like to be respected, and valued, its something I'll take with me. Where as I wish we could have back what we had, I know the reality of that is out of my control. I hope you can find the happiness you are searching for, your place in my heart is still there. Happy new year"

 

Nothing, he said, nothing. And the silence has been killing me ever since.

Since then I noticed on social media a traein of about 6 girls who he started following since the break up. One of which, he mentioned running into 2 weeks before the split happened, who also has been commenting on his photos. Another aspect adding to my theories of infidelity and shadiness.

 

Also, the train of our relatinoship, after reading on narcissim, idolise, devalue, discard, all resonates. But its hard to see clearly.

 

SOS. Need to move on.

[PinkPampies]

I’m not seeing narcissistic here. I just don’t think he was that into you. If you open up to him about one of your deepest emotional time in your life and he breaks up with you 20 minutes later, that says it all.

 

He didn’t even respond to your text. You’re better off without him op. You want someone who is empathetic to your needs and feelings as well. That whole Snapchat thing is a big red flag.

 

Just don’t project your feelings onto someone and assume they fee the same. I think he liked you well enough, but even told you he wasn’t in love. Meaning, he wasn’t that into you. You shouldn’t want to be with someone anyway who doesn’t feel the same.

[meaghans1]

the reason I questioned narcissism was the following

 

infatuation at first, chasing, speaking of the future, telling me this was more than he'd hoped for.

an overall lack of fluid conversation (could NOT ever respond to meaningful conversations) - Accepted the compliments I gave and I could see them build him up, but never deliver the same.

Gaslighting- Whenever there was a conflict, he would say everything was fine or it was a problem with my emotions.

And then, the distancing, the setting up of other women, and then the abrupt departure with no explanation aside from cliche reasons.

- Also, the train of photos on his instagram that all were solo, shirtless, screaming external validation.

 

This person, was very into our relationship for about 92 % of our time together. The last two weeks, it felt like someone else took place of the person who i was falling in love with. and he had expressed those feelings developing prior. It's hard to accept rejection. especially from someone who you didn't see bailing on you.

 

ugh. it just sucks

[ExpatInItaly]

I’m not seeing narcissistic here. I just don’t think he was that into you. If you open up to him about one of your deepest emotional time in your life and he breaks up with you 20 minutes later, that says it all.

 

I agree.

 

People are awfully quick to throw around the "narcissist" label without really understanding what that implies. OP, I know you are trying to make sense of his behaviour, but I think it's a lot simpler than a complex personality disorder.

 

As Pink suggested above, it seems he plain lost interest in the relationship after the initial honeymoon phase passed and he's an attention-seeker and rather immature. That doesn't make him a narcissist in the clinical sense. You might have been avoiding his social media at first because you feared what you would find, but he was this person all along. You simply didn't know him well enough to see it yet. The thrill of a new relationship masked it for a while - for both of you - but you simply got to know the real him. And it's in stark contrast to whom you hoped he was.

[meaghans1]

Also,

When he got back from florida...he mentioned that a woman came up to him in the airport and was hitting on him, and he proudly said to me that he told her he had a girlfriend...this was two days before we broke it off. I know its over , but I am struggling so much with the ruminating. It doesn't help that he lives 4 blocks from me...I pass his house driving to work every day and have passed him driving.

 

I also, understand that the word narcissist gets thrown around a lot. My father,and my brother are clinically diagnosed, narcissists and I've been in therapy since 14 because of the emotional abuse I sustained as a child. So, I do know that the word is heavy and comes with a lot of depth. Which is why I've struggled with, okay are these narcissistic tendencies, or is he a narcissist? I felt like I was dating a robot. And when I talk about these things, I realize that this isn't what I want in a partner. I want transparency and honesty and someone who will fight through the hard conversations. So, if I know all this, why am I so fixated and debilitated by this loss?

[ExpatInItaly]

At the end of the day, what does is change for you if you decide that he is a narcissist?

[meaghans1]

At the end of the day, what does is change for you if you decide that he is a narcissist?

 

Honestly, I don't know. Part of me finds it easier to see him as that because it makes it less about me and more about him. Saying hes just not that into me, when he acted into me up until 5 days before we broke up...I guess it hurts more. like, how can something change so abruptly? I have so much shame and blame and feeling like I wasn't enough for this person. I have shame about the emotion I displayed the night he broke it off. Shame about flying home to maine and looking weak in his eyes. I lost myself in this relationship and I can recognize that. I have stayed strong and I haven't reached out since that last text. I've gone to therapy and psychics and truly ANYTHING, to help me process why this happened. I just want my life back and I want to see this as dodging a bullet, because thats what everybody i my life says I did, that I dodged a bullet.

[Whodatdog]

I see it as he wasnt as into you as you were him. Nothing to do with being narcissistic (sp?). You can try and analyze everything he has done and everything he has said, but the only thing that means anything is that he just didnt want to continue the relationship. It didnt work for him. I hope you're able to move on from this.

[PinkPampies]

I was married to a diagnosed narcissist. If he is, you want NO part of it, trust me.

 

Maybe he was seeing someone else, but I think he just wasn’t that into you. When you dropped your life altering abuse event on him, he bailed. Decided it was too serious and not fun anymore maybe.

 

I know it hurts. Don’t project and assume he feels the same as you. He’s been clear in his lack of response. Stay no contact and I promise with time, you will heal and move on. The rose colored glasses will come off and you’ll start seeing things you didn’t before.

[meaghans1]

If he wasn't that into me, I dont understand why he persued the growth of our relationship up until a week before we broke up. He was the one suggesting going to these events together, he was the one wanting me to meet his family.

The only thing that stood between this person holding my hands telling me that he wanted this, and 24 hours later when we broke up...was me finding the thing on snapchat and him saying "I'm allowed to have friends". In the moments where I did question his loyaltly to me, he'd show up with a cute gesture or do something sweet. He's not the person who would ever do something he didn't want to do, and that was something that WAS clear in the relationship. The moments I started confronting him on his sketchy behaviors he bailed. Alongside me opening up to him. So this, cut and dry, he wasn't that into you, when the entire relationship, he was, is hard for me to accept.

 

I can accept, that he wanted our relationship to end. He told me that he started feeling this way after he was in florida. The day he got back I walked into the room and came up behind him and saw him editing a photo of himself with his shirt off. My rose colored glasses, began to come off then.

 

I wish I had a video camera for the night he left, because it was cruel, it felt heartless and it was not anything I expected. and then he vanished. this person who I'd spent all this time with, I was disposable to them. He told me that we were going to break up anyway when he went to law school.

[ExpatInItaly]

I can accept, that he wanted our relationship to end. He told me that he started feeling this way after he was in florida. The day he got back I walked into the room and came up behind him and saw him editing a photo of himself with his shirt off. My rose colored glasses, began to come off then.

 

I think you are in some denial about the warning signs you did notice before this.

 

You mentioned he told you how some girl had tried to kiss him one night when he was out with his boys. Even if he was innocent in that situation, a mature and respectful guy likely wouldn't boast about it in his girlfriend's presence. You also said, "The day we became official I started following him on instagram. Immediately, I started noticing things I didn't like."

 

There were things along the way that gave you pause. It wasn't just when you saw him editing a shirtless photo of himself. If you are very honest with yourself, your own words give away the uneasy feeling you'd had about him well before the week you broke up.

[Ronni_W]

infatuation at first, chasing, speaking of the future, telling me this was more than he'd hoped for.

an overall lack of fluid conversation (could NOT ever respond to meaningful conversations) - Accepted the compliments I gave and I could see them build him up, but never deliver the same.

Infatuation and dreaming/speaking of a hoped-for future is not narcissism; nor is an inability to communicate effectively or to give compliments to others.

Gaslighting- Whenever there was a conflict, he would say everything was fine or it was a problem with my emotions.

That is not 'gas-lighting'; it is minimizing, discounting, ignoring...and then blaming (the next available person).

 

Distancing and abrupt departures, with or without any rhyme, reason or explanation, is just immature behaviour; and seeking external validation through whatever means -- shirtless, bikini-clad,

surrounded by many hot males/females, etc. -- just demonstrates a lack, on that person's part, of self-esteem and self-worth, which needs to be felt on an internal/personal level;

(all of it still not narcissism).

 

The last two weeks, it felt like someone else took place of the person who i was falling in love with.

There really wasn't anything wrong with your perception...but it's that immature people with low self-esteem and low self-worth, and no developed communication skills,

can only carry on their façade for so long before their true self begins to shine through the cracks.

 

You are fortunate, really, to have seen the 'true him' sooner than later...imagine having invested any more of your precious time, Energy, good will and loving feelings on someone

who is just not yet ready to be able to reciprocate on any decent level!

 

It does suck, now...but it would have sucked so much worse, later.

 

Sending hugs, and healing.

[Acacia98]

I have so much shame and blame and feeling like I wasn't enough for this person. I have shame about the emotion I displayed the night he broke it off. Shame about flying home to maine and looking weak in his eyes.

 

Don't feel ashamed. You did what you had to do to get an answer from him. And you got your answer.

Now that the relationship is over, you can mourn it and then start to recover.

 

There is no shame in loving someone, even if they don't ultimately reciprocate.

[meaghans1]

I think the shame I feel is feeling like he sees me as crazy now. I never exhibited much overt emotion throughout our relationship. I gave him space, I always let him text me first. I was in a dance, so to speak. But I think if I do honestly look back I had lingering anxiety from the start. In moments where I tried to discuss the issue ( all of 1 time) , I gave him the opportunity to have the hard conversation. Instead, he blamed my anxiety on my period and assured me everything about our relationship was fine. That’s what I hate, why lie? Why tell me you want this if you don’t? And I mean, ultimately, when I caught the girl thing on his phone he froze, and maybe he bailed out of guilt. Again, I shouldn’t want to be with someone who can’t be loyal. Since the breakup I’ve lost 12 pounds, missed work, flew to Maine, flew to Mexico and finally decided it was time to go back to Colorado. I guess, marking him a narcissist, helped me cope with the silence and lack of remorse he felt. If he isn’t, well then, I guess he’s just a ****ty person who can’t look at their own actions.

[elaine567]

Just about everyone's ex is a narcissist...

"He/she was mad, bad and dangerous to know... I was the victim..."

It is a coping mechanism which protects their own ego.

The "blame" is placed squarely elsewhere.

[meaghans1]

I don’t think I’m trying to protect my ego, I’m trying to understand the fall out. I felt that he had a lack of empathy from the start. I’ve had exes before who have done ****ty things and I don’t label them as a narcissist and I surely have done lots of self reflection as to where my part was in this. But somebody who goes behind my back and talks to other women, flaunts their body and then lies to me ? Well, That’s all them.

[ExpatInItaly]

I just don't feel that assigning him the label of narcissist is helpful to you, OP. Maybe he his, maybe he isn't. Only a professional who knows him personally could ascertain that.

 

But, one can certainly be a jerk and careless with your feelings without being clinically narcissistic. The problem can still be him without being a narcissist.

 

You're thinking in very black-and-white terms, trying to figure out if he was just not that into you or a narcissist. There are plenty of shades of grey in the middle there, between the two poles you're measuring this break-up with.

[Mx12345]

I disagree with most of the posters and actually agree with OP. Narcissism isn’t just about being full yourself. It’s also about needing validation from others and lacking empathy. This guy had both of these traits.

 

He posted the shirtless selfie‘s because he liked the attention that he got. Also the half naked picture that he sent to her, he most likely sent to many girls as evident by the fact when he opened his Snapchat there was a list of girls recently messaged. We live in a world of social media. If anyone tries to tell you that likes don’t matter on social media they’re wrong. An immediate red flag for me when dating a guy is if he follows tons of hot half naked girls. I don’t have time for that kind of behavior.

 

Also on many different occasions she voiced her concerns about his behavior but nothing changed. He didn’t compliment her, he took a trip and didn’t have the decency to even text her that he had arrived safely even when she was watching his dog. Then she told him about something personal and Tramatic that happened to her and he breaks up with her 20 minutes later. No empathy whatsoever.

 

I know it’s fresh so it’s hard to imagine a time when this guy won’t mean squat to you, but it will happen. I’m very sorry this happened to you. I have a post from December 2017 in which something very similar happened to me. The same early love bombing (pursuing, chasing, talking about the future) the same shady IG behavior (liking tons of girls photos, local girls not IG models, posting shirtless photos that tons of girls liked, following multiple girls per day). The best revenge is that a few months later I met my now boyfriend who is amazing. The dips**t who did the same thing that happened to you tried to message me on IG a few months ago (we don’t follow each other). I ignored the message. I literally didn’t care. Good luck, you’ll get past this, I promise!

[Mx12345]

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/642963-am-i-overthinking-he-pulling-away

 

This is the thread of what happened to me if you’re interested!

[Highndry]

A true narcissist is like a sociopath. They enjoy hurting people and have no empathy.

[meaghans1]

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/642963-am-i-overthinking-he-pulling-away

 

This is the thread of what happened to me if you’re interested!

 

Thank you so much for your insight. Everybody is so quick to give an opinion and not so quick to empathize. I know what I experienced, I also know what I’m attracted to from being raised by an emotionally abusive narcissist who made love conditional, much like my relationship with Drew. Where as his actions show his character, they are still traumatic to the person getting abandoned. I knew in my heart that he wasn’t being fair to me. But I so badly wanted to believe the fantasy. I won’t let this person dictate my self worth. I have made it through a lot in life, and I have a pretty strong emotional understanding of people. As I said before, I felt like I was dating a robot, his words, everything felt scripted and non calculated. Reminded me of a version between my father and Patrick Bateman.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you so much for your insight. Everybody is so quick to give an opinion and not so quick to empathize. I know what I experienced

 

Right, but you opened your thread by asking if your ex is a narcissist or just not that into you. Most of us just happen to believe it's more the latter than the former, even though it's not what you wanted to hear.

 

It has nothing to do with lack of empathy from posters. Having a different opinion doesn't make people lacking empathy.

 

If you wanted people to simply agree that he is a narcissist, which appears to be the case, then it would have been helpful for you to state that from the outset.

[meaghans1]

It has nothing to do with me not “wanting to hear anything”. I’m also trying to understand a pattern of the people I date. I’m also not here to argue, and simply thanked someone for their insight as their situation was similar to mine. After reading books, going to therapy, you’re right, I did want a second opinion. But I did experience, love bombing, gaslighting, and discarding. It doesn’t change the fact that my ex didn’t want to be with me. I’m not blind to that reality. I felt that users were quick to assume that he’s just some jerk who “got bored”. But, up until I called him out he was fine doing the things he was doing while still getting built up from mE.

^ and the lack of empathy, was not in regards to your post. It was in regards to the person who said I was using narcissism as a way to protect my ego and play the victim when I’ve been more than reflective about MY part in this. And yeah, I am a victim of some deucebag coming into my life like a storm and putting me through absolute hell through this breakup. I was surprised to hear people quickly assume, he’s not that into me when

 

He was self obsessed

Needed validation

Never gave me compliments but loved when I built him up

Talked about himself in a superior way

Was pretty on the inside and cold on the inside

Set up other sources of supply before our relationship ended

Told me that everything was fine, multiple times, and blamed my insecurity on having a period.

Told me that I demanded too much attention and was needy

And literally acquired zero empathy when I opened my heart to him about the hardest time in my life.

Went silent and then after our breakup

Posted a plethora of photos showing how great his life was.

 

So, was he a narcissist? Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t. I already feel like **** enough, I came here for help. Probably best this conversation ends because at this point my mind is spinning and despite it all it doesn’t change the pain that this person put me through and what I’m dealing with day to say.

 

Thanks everyone for their insights, all the best.

[littleblackheart]

My father,and my brother are clinically diagnosed, narcissists and I've been in therapy since 14 because of the emotional abuse I sustained as a child. So, I do know that the word is heavy and comes with a lot of depth. Which is why I've struggled with, okay are these narcissistic tendencies, or is he a narcissist?

 

Hi OP

 

The above quote, to me, is the most important and relevant info about you.

 

Those who haven't experienced what life is like living with a truly dysfunctional person can't really empathise fully, however much they try; so it's easier to dismiss, I guess, than take you at your word.

 

In real life, people who know me and my exH, and have seen our life together have zero doubt about him; my therapists also seem sure about him being npd. On an anonymous forum, people are generally more cynical.

 

I can't tell you whether your ex is or isn't a malevolent narcissist but I can completely understand why, given your history, you are on super high alert. There always is a part of you who will question other people's motives, intentions or character.

 

This guy wasn't treating you right. That's what you need to focus on.

 

There are men who aren't like that; good men, kind and patient men who will treat you right, if you let them. Leave your ex and all aspects of your relationship behind, for your own health, and try to keep your mind focused on something else. That's the best advice I was given, and also the hardest to follow but you will get there eventually. Time will do its thing.

 

Good luck.

Edited February 12, 2019 by littleblackheart

[imheretoday]

the reason I questioned narcissism was the following

 

infatuation at first, chasing, speaking of the future, telling me this was more than he'd hoped for.

an overall lack of fluid conversation (could NOT ever respond to meaningful conversations) - Accepted the compliments I gave and I could see them build him up, but never deliver the same.

Gaslighting- Whenever there was a conflict, he would say everything was fine or it was a problem with my emotions.

And then, the distancing, the setting up of other women, and then the abrupt departure with no explanation aside from cliche reasons.

- Also, the train of photos on his instagram that all were solo, shirtless, screaming external validation.

 

This person, was very into our relationship for about 92 % of our time together. The last two weeks, it felt like someone else took place of the person who i was falling in love with. and he had expressed those feelings developing prior. It's hard to accept rejection. especially from someone who you didn't see bailing on you.

 

ugh. it just sucks

 

It really doesn't matter if he's a narcissist or not, what matters is that he's not the right match to you. So, he did you a favour in breaking up.

 

You didn't ask for too much, you asked the wrong person.

 

Take some time for healing and focus on yourself. Block him from your life and social media and move on.