Inexperience...how to overcome

[JustGettingBy]

I've read a lot of books recently on mindset and changing your default way of thinking. I've overcome what I think is the main reason for my inexperience now. I'm more confident, more secure, emotionally resilient, more willing to admit to my own mistakes. etc than I was a few month back. This must be showing in I guess my body language--I've been approached by some gay men (I have no interest in them, I'm straight, but it was a great boost to my self-esteem) and have taken that as a sign that now is a good time to start approaching women and going back into dating apps.

 

I still do have one question. At 27, women will probably have some misconceptions about me socially since I have no relationship experience. To be fair, up until a few months ago, some of those wouldn't have been misconceptions, so I can't hold it against them. I still don't know how to address the issue of stigma of inexperience other than "don't bring it up if at all possible".

 

Also, secondary question, are co-ed sports leagues a good way to meet women (assuming I'm going for a sport that I enjoy)?

[snowboy91]

I still do have one question. At 27, women will probably have some misconceptions about me socially since I have no relationship experience. To be fair, up until a few months ago, some of those wouldn't have been misconceptions, so I can't hold it against them. I still don't know how to address the issue of stigma of inexperience other than "don't bring it up if at all possible".

 

Also, secondary question, are co-ed sports leagues a good way to meet women (assuming I'm going for a sport that I enjoy)?

 

I've got a few friends who are 27 and have never had a relationship, so you're not alone. I think a better approach than "don't bring it up" is "don't let it define you". The right person for you is going to overlook your lack of experience and see you for you. The trick is to find that person, and sift through those that decide they need to judge you for it.

 

As for co-ed sports, that's one way of putting yourself out there to meet other people, including women, but like any approach that involves meeting more people, it's by no means a guarantee. Your goal here is to expand your social network enough so you may not necessarily meet someone who's single and interested (although it could happen), but your new friends might know someone else who is single and interested.

[healing light]

Hey JustGettingBy,

 

Are you sexually inexperienced as well, or just inexperienced with relationships? I was an older virgin, but did not fit stereotypes at all (circumstantial, not for lack of opportunity--long story).

 

Initially, I was unsure of how to broach this, too. Had some people advise me to never say anything, etc. but knew I wanted someone I would be comfortable communicating this to. Ultimately, when I dated again, I decided not to lead with it on the first date but wanted to let the guy know before we were exclusive. I ended up having this conversation around the 4th date.

 

I also know several male friends that didn't get into the game until relatively late. One was off in war for multiple deployments (I believe he lost his virginity around age 34 and just got married to that woman recently). Another who was very socially awkward who had his first everything at age 28 and is now also married. So don't think you're alone with getting a late start!

 

What I would do is find hobbies that you genuinely enjoy--like your idea of the co-ed sports. This will help fill your life as well as give you some exposure so you're comfortable interacting with the opposite sex (I'm not sure what level of relationship inexperience you have--friendships as well or just dating?). If someone strikes your interest, casually ask them out for coffee.

 

The right person will not be deterred by a lack of experience. I know some women that even prefer that even though they might be in the minority. Ultimately, your inexperience will only be as big of an obstacle as you make it. Remember: everyone has some form of baggage and you're uniquely situated. Instead of holding it over your head as an albatross, think of the benefits. You don't have a messy situation with an ex, you don't have the weight of a divorce or kids over you, etc.

 

If it turns out that you're sexually inexperienced, don't worry about it. I wasn't magically a different person the day I had sex, nor did I have a bad first-time experience. It was quite wonderful and left me wondering why there's so much stigma associated with it not happening by a certain age. As long as you're open to learning new things and considerate of your partner, the right person will work with you and may even be happy for the opportunity to be your first girlfriend.

[JustGettingBy]

I've got a few friends who are 27 and have never had a relationship, so you're not alone. I think a better approach than "don't bring it up" is "don't let it define you". The right person for you is going to overlook your lack of experience and see you for you. The trick is to find that person, and sift through those that decide they need to judge you for it.

 

As for co-ed sports, that's one way of putting yourself out there to meet other people, including women, but like any approach that involves meeting more people, it's by no means a guarantee. Your goal here is to expand your social network enough so you may not necessarily meet someone who's single and interested (although it could happen), but your new friends might know someone else who is single and interested.

 

Thanks, I think the "don't let it define you" advice is good. I'm aware that its not a guarantee, but thanks for the 'friend of a friend' advice. Always good to have another door open.

 

Hey JustGettingBy,

 

Are you sexually inexperienced as well, or just inexperienced with relationships? I was an older virgin, but did not fit stereotypes at all (circumstantial, not for lack of opportunity--long story).

 

Initially, I was unsure of how to broach this, too. Had some people advise me to never say anything, etc. but knew I wanted someone I would be comfortable communicating this to. Ultimately, when I dated again, I decided not to lead with it on the first date but wanted to let the guy know before we were exclusive. I ended up having this conversation around the 4th date.

 

I also know several male friends that didn't get into the game until relatively late. One was off in war for multiple deployments (I believe he lost his virginity around age 34 and just got married to that woman recently). Another who was very socially awkward who had his first everything at age 28 and is now also married. So don't think you're alone with getting a late start!

 

What I would do is find hobbies that you genuinely enjoy--like your idea of the co-ed sports. This will help fill your life as well as give you some exposure so you're comfortable interacting with the opposite sex (I'm not sure what level of relationship inexperience you have--friendships as well or just dating?). If someone strikes your interest, casually ask them out for coffee.

 

The right person will not be deterred by a lack of experience. I know some women that even prefer that even though they might be in the minority. Ultimately, your inexperience will only be as big of an obstacle as you make it. Remember: everyone has some form of baggage and you're uniquely situated. Instead of holding it over your head as an albatross, think of the benefits. You don't have a messy situation with an ex, you don't have the weight of a divorce or kids over you, etc.

 

If it turns out that you're sexually inexperienced, don't worry about it. I wasn't magically a different person the day I had sex, nor did I have a bad first-time experience. It was quite wonderful and left me wondering why there's so much stigma associated with it not happening by a certain age. As long as you're open to learning new things and considerate of your partner, the right person will work with you and may even be happy for the opportunity to be your first girlfriend.

 

Again thanks for the advice. I am sexually inexperienced, but figured that was secondary to lack of dating experience.

[Garcon1986]

Time to go and put yourself on the dating stage! Have a go, get some dates, and ask us for feedback.