Do you confront them?

[Fair]

It rankles.

 

Everyone scattered when I got sick with a panic disorder. Then I found my boyfriend (now an ex) and suddenly began hearing from them again the minute they found out I had a man.

 

Now that my boyfriend and I split, so did my friends. AGAIN.

 

It really hurts. I'm still suffering and still need a support system, but no one cares. They only cared about the kind of people they appeared to be in the eyes of my boyfriend.

 

I know this situation is not unique to me. People kick you when you're down. But do I tell them how I feel about this? Or would it be wasted breath? I get so tempted! It hurts and I'm angry at them for being such hypocrites. I mean if they're not true friends, I don't want them coming around me pretending to be one just because I've got a witness.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It really hurts. I'm still suffering and still need a support system, but no one cares.

 

Describe how you are a support system to them when they are struggling.

[Artdeco]

What do you mean by witness?

 

Anyway, I’ve asked myself the same question a few times in my life. And what it all comes down to is that - no - don’t confront them. Because apparently they don’t care enough. Otherwise, they would be there for you. And confronting them would only give them more ammunition, meaning then they would call you crazy and that would justify them in their decision to back out even more. These are the friends who are only there for you when it’s easy. I call them good weather friends.

[basil67]

Artdeco, having supported a friend who requires a lot of support, I disagree that withdrawing support is about not caring enough. I cared a great deal for a couple of years and then I became overwhelmed by their issues and I started to burn out. Also, when we were together it was always about her and her issues. Ongoing support often isn't sustainable for friends and this is where professional support comes into play. Frankly, I think it's unfair to call them 'fair weather friends if they've been there in the past and have become burned out.

 

Fair, rather than confronting, perhaps you could figure out exactly the ways they could support you and be specific about your needs. For example, a friend who was dying from cancer posted on FB that she really needed help with grocery shopping and would be grateful if anyone was able to pick up bits and pieces for her while they were out. Or you could ask if they would come to dinner once a week and you'd cook them a meal. Or cater with pizza and drinks.

 

And yes, as CO said, think about what you add to the friendship. Are you able to support them with their own issues?

[Mr. Lucky]

Then I found my boyfriend (now an ex) and suddenly began hearing from them again the minute they found out I had a man.

 

Now that my boyfriend and I split, so did my friends. AGAIN.

 

There are certain friends who are simply more comfortable interacting with us on a couples basis. Perhaps they're in a relationship themselves or want to be and time spent solo with you is a distraction from that goal.

 

There's a certain entitled vibe to your post, as though your friends should supply something you think is missing from your life. Not quite how it works...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

I would also take the time to consider whether or not your friends have the bandwidth to give you the support you need. What of the woman who's working and parenting and juggling cleaning and little league and the needs of her husband? What of the woman who's already stressed about her own issues - can she take yours on too?

 

Also, I remember you saying a while back that you have no friends. And there was the incident where you vented on FB about your friends not supporting you. Do you have friends now? Or will it be the same group you tore strips off before? If it's the latter, you've probably burned those bridges.

[Fair]

I would also take the time to consider whether or not your friends have the bandwidth to give you the support you need. What of the woman who's working and parenting and juggling cleaning and little league and the needs of her husband? What of the woman who's already stressed about her own issues - can she take yours on too?

 

Also, I remember you saying a while back that you have no friends. And there was the incident where you vented on FB about your friends not supporting you. Do you have friends now? Or will it be the same group you tore strips off before? If it's the latter, you've probably burned those bridges.

 

This isn't the first time I've not had anyone understand my question. I wonder if I'm speaking another language.

 

thanks, Artdeco for your answer. Yours was a good one. I agree but also want to make sure this doesn't happen again.

 

I am not entitled. I just don't like hypocrites. AGAIN... if indeed I have no friends as it would appear...… I don't appreciate them crawling back as soon as I have a boyfriend and pretending to be one to me so that the guy I'm with thinks well of them. That was the whole main point of my question. Whether I should confront them or not about this particular issue. I want to tell them to stay away from my door wearing their 'good people' masks whenever I have a man so the next time I'm dating someone, they don't think they can get away with it again.

 

 

I'm not talking to any of these people right now. They scattered as soon as I split up with my boyfriend because he was the one they were trying to impress. It's not that difficult to understand.

Edited February 13, 2019 by Fair

[basil67]

Either that or I'm speaking in another language

 

You asked if you should confront these people. Part of deciding whether or not to confront them is to look at your expectations vs their ability to deliver. Is what you are asking reasonable? Do they have spare time to help in the way you need? And as friendships are give and take, have you held up your end of nurturing their needs?

 

If you've asked for help and spelled out clearly the type of help you need, if you know they like you and have the capacity to help, and if you've been there for them in the past - then YES, it's reasonable to want more from them. However, confronting them will not encourage them to help you. You need to employ more tact than that.

[Fair]

To the one who said she gave support but then just got burned out... that is not the same thing. My situation is one where people who NEVER cared suddenly started this phony, caring act for only as long as I had a man because of being worried about his opinion.

 

Obviously people I'm led to believe never even think of me, suddenly start thinking about me really hard as soon as I'm in a relationship. They were so scared I'd tell my partner I have no support and about how they all scattered as soon as I got ill. Concerned only with saving face. UGH. I can't think of more despicable behaviour.

Edited February 13, 2019 by Fair

[Fair]

Either that or I'm speaking in another language

 

You asked if you should confront these people. Part of deciding whether or not to confront them is to look at your expectations vs their ability to deliver. Is what you are asking reasonable? Do they have spare time to help in the way you need? And as friendships are give and take, have you held up your end of nurturing their needs?

 

If you've asked for help and spelled out clearly the type of help you need, if you know they like you and have the capacity to help, and if you've been there for them in the past - then YES, it's reasonable to want more from them. However, confronting them will not encourage them to help you. You need to employ more tact than that.

 

You still didn't get it.

 

I have no intention of asking these people for support. That's not what I said I wanted to confront them about.

[Fair]

There are certain friends who are simply more comfortable interacting with us on a couples basis. Perhaps they're in a relationship themselves or want to be and time spent solo with you is a distraction from that goal.

 

There's a certain entitled vibe to your post, as though your friends should supply something you think is missing from your life. Not quite how it works...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

How does wanting these people to stay away from me called being entitled? I don't care about their support anymore. They showed they were not going to be here from me and I accepted that a long time ago. My complaint is that they put on an act in front of my boyfriend. If you're not my friend now, don't come around pretending to be one when I'm in a relationship... that's what I want to tell them.

[BaileyB]

My situation is one where people who NEVER cared suddenly started this phony, caring act for only as long as I had a man because of being worried about his opinion.

 

If they NEVER cared, what makes you think that they will care at all if you confront them? People who are inherently self-absorbed and/or not interested in your life are not likely to care about whether you aren’t happy or unhappy with their behavior... they will just continue on with their lives.

 

I’m not sure what purpose you have in confronting them, to be honest. As basil said, it certainly won’t help your relationship with any of these people. It may provide you some comfort, to have “spoken your truth.” But again, if they have NEVER cared, they are unlikely to care when you confront them.

 

Depending on how tactful you are, it may actually confirm to these people that you are not someone with whom they want to have a relationship. As per your posts tonight, you tend to be emotional, defensive, and then very confrontational. I understand that you are hurt and you feel passionate about this situation... I get it. Still, I say, keep your dignity.

[Fair]

If they NEVER cared, what makes you think that they will care at all if you confront them?

 

They cared enough to come around here when I finally had someone already, with the purpose of manipulating him into thinking they cared about me. When I'm alone - that's when they don't care. When I'm alone, there's no one around to witness the way they all deserted me.

 

I guess when my next boyfriend comes along and they do it again I'll unmask them right in front of him. Because they will do it again.

[basil67]

You still didn't get it.

 

I have no intention of asking these people for support. That's not what I said I wanted to confront them about.

 

Ohhh....you wanted to confront them over leaving you! Yep, totally missed that. Sorry.

 

How did they end up hanging around you when you had your boyfriend? Did they initiate it or did you?

Edited February 13, 2019 by basil67

[Mr. Lucky]

My complaint is that they put on an act in front of my boyfriend. If you're not my friend now, don't come around pretending to be one when I'm in a relationship... that's what I want to tell them.

 

Fair, if there's some broad spectrum of people uncomfortable with hanging with you one-on-one, then there's a message there. Are you sure you're not overlooking an opportunity for self-examination and personal improvement?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Fair]

Fair, if there's some broad spectrum of people uncomfortable with hanging with you one-on-one, then there's a message there. Are you sure you're not overlooking an opportunity for self-examination and personal improvement?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No. People typically do this to people who get sick. I'm not the exception.

This isn't an 'attack the OP' thread. I asked a specific question and everyone's ignoring it.

[Shining One]

No. People typically do this to people who get sick. I'm not the exception.

I don't agree with this conclusion. Of course I've had my share of fair-weather friends, but my close friends have always made the extra effort to be there for me when I was down, just as I'm there for them.

Do you confront them?

I would vote no. It's best to let these people fade from your life.

[RecentChange]

What is confronting them going to accomplish?

[BaileyB]

I don't agree with this conclusion. Of course I've had my share of fair-weather friends, but my close friends have always made the extra effort to be there for me when I was down, just as I'm there for them.

 

I agree. While not everyone is willing to get in the boat with you and row when times get tough, the ones who really matter will be there...

 

Don’t waste your emotional energy on those who really don’t matter.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Be happy you have friends, they have lives too,

Their lives probably don't revolve around you,

If they're only around when you have a boyfriend at hand,

Perhaps it's because they don't want you 3rd wheeling, understand?

 

But if you truly think they don't care about you at all,

Then confront them all you want, it'll be like confronting a wall,

For if they don't care about you when you're alone and in a dark place,

Why do you think they'll suddenly care when you bring the issue to their face?

[amaysngrace]

Not everyone is equipped to deal with something as significant as a panic disorder. Not everyone has what you need from them.

 

Thinking they do is a surefire way to be let down often.

[Mr. Lucky]

This isn't an 'attack the OP' thread. I asked a specific question and everyone's ignoring it.

 

That you would interpret a suggestion you examine your own actions as an attack circles back to your original question in the thread.

 

One way to get closer to people, friends included, is to meet then halfway...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spiderowl]

Maybe it would help you to ask yourself if your mental viewpoint is that friends only want you when you have something else besides yourself to interest them? If you are thinking like that, then everything they do will 'fit' your mental outlook.

 

Try caring about your friends, being there for them, making them laugh when they are down, generally be a friend. I doubt most of them would go running.

 

Sometimes people don't know how to deal with a situation. This is especially the case with mental health problems. Yes, I know there is a lot of talk about this in the media and it gives the impression that people are now more understanding, but generally they are not. They still get scared when they don't know how to react or if someone is experiencing the world in a radically different way to them. Accept that some things are difficult for friends to cope with and they may even need educating on such things in order to feel more confident that they can help.

 

I know we would rather not have to educate our friends but people are learning things all their lives, not just up to school leaving days.

[Fair]

That you would interpret a suggestion you examine your own actions as an attack circles back to your original question in the thread.

 

One way to get closer to people, friends included, is to meet then halfway...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This doesn't make any sense and they're not my friends.

[Fair]

Maybe it would help you to ask yourself if your mental viewpoint is that friends only want you when you have something else besides yourself to interest them? If you are thinking like that, then everything they do will 'fit' your mental outlook.

I know we would rather not have to educate our friends but people are learning things all their lives, not just up to school leaving days.

 

Human nature follows patterns. We are less valuable to people when we have nothing to bring to the table. Look it up on the internet if you don't believe me.

 

It's the internet age. There's no excuse for people not to understand anything anymore. If they cared they'd educate themselves, and no one has any excuse to ask a person who is suffering to take on the burden of trying to make them understand what they're going through, especially since trying to teach most people anything is excruciatingly painful.

 

 

Example - these people aren't my friends.