Author angela9090 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 I do see a therapist. We are talking through this. I see her again in 2 weeks. My husband and I have seen her together too prior to this. I've been through a lot with him. He was emotionally abusive when the kids were little. He has been a lot better after therapy. He has lost 2 jobs in the past 10 years which had me working full time when my kids were very little. I have not fully made any decision yet...that's why I'm seeking help (from here, my therapist, my friends). There are a lot of things that I have put up with and still put up with today from him that i haven't mentioned here. I guess all of these things add up. Why would I stay if I'm miserable after the kids leave the house? Just because he's stable? I don't see why I just can't be single. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 (edited) Since you yourself were substantially overweight for a long time, I wonder why you judge your husband so harshly for his size now? I'll assume you expected love and acceptance regardless of BMI.. We were both overweight at the same time. It's not only the weight. He's gross. His hygiene is horrible. He constantly burps even though I tell him it bothers me (we are talking 20 times a minute). He picks his nose in front of us. I know that this sounds mean but I don't want to be with this man. I plan on bringing all of this to his attention...unless you all think it is not a good idea? Edited February 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 So he was emotionally abusive but sought help and changed? Maybe if you are honest with him he’ll try to change in other ways as well. Your single friend sounds toxic to your marriage by the way. Did you ever tell your therapist about the dynamics of that friendship? You’ll do what you want but if you once wanted marriage but changed your mind who’s to say you won’t be satisfied with being single and change your mind? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Why would I stay if I'm miserable after the kids leave the house? Just because he's stable? I don't see why I just can't be single. Well, you shouldn’t. If he has been emotionally abusive to you, if you are no longer attracted to him, and if you have lost the connection in your marriage... there is no shame in saying that you have grown apart and divorcing. It happens to many couples, particularly when the children leave home. I just want to be sure that you are evaluating this decision from a rational, not emotional, place. It’s easy to rewrite history and create evidence to support your feelings... we start to tell stories, about how unhappy we are in our marriage, how our husband is not attentive or supportive, about how much fun we will have living the single life... and before you know it, you have created all the evidence you need to support your decision. Be careful that this is not what you are doing. It’s good that you are seeing a counsellor - keep asking the hard questions and working through this decision... good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 My friend is not toxic. She just explained what happened in her life. I have only known her a couple of years. Everyone's entitled to share their life experiences. I don't even know if she or her husband wanted the divorce. I don't know the details but mentioned to her that I'm not happy. She didn't tell me to get a divorce. There are a lot of what ifs, which is why I'm getting everyones perspective. If I had already made up my mind I would have asked for a divorce already. I'm willing to have the discussion with him. Maybe he isn't happy and wants out too? Who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 As harsh as it is to give the feedback you have to your husband, it is many times harsher to hear your wife/GF punish you for being unable to read her mind when you have no clue how to read her mind (from a guy's perspective). You owe it to him to at least have an extremely painful mind to mind conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Not having sex for an entire year, your husband may be ready to bolt, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 Yea I don't think anyone is happy. But let's give it one more shot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 But let's give it one more shot. Angela, if you are going to end a long term marriage, especially one where there are children involved and you have put the effort into solving some serious problems like you did early on... I think you need to know that you have given it everything you had. You gave it every opportunity... If you can say that you’ve done that, and you are still convinced that there is nothing left... then, you walk away with some kind of peace of mind. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 Thanks Bailey! I've gone on this long. One more shot won't hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Thanks Bailey! I've gone on this long. One more shot won't hurt. Angela, it’s precisely because you’ve gone on this long, that you need to give it one more shot... You owe it to him, to your kids, and to yourself. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Yes, I agree. This isn’t only about him and the kids. This is your life, too, your long-term investment. All of you will experience a shattering of your dreams if things fall apart. I know that’s the way I felt when I left my husband. He thought I walked away without a care but the thing he couldn’t see is that my dreams of my life with him were also shattered. It wasn’t fixable and I had no choice but it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt me, too. I think you need to be extremely honest with your husband and see how he reacts. You never know. You’re doing the right thing by giving it another chance. He may thank you for requiring more out of him. It sounds like he’s in a rut. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Thanks Bailey! I've gone on this long. One more shot won't hurt. What you see here, on your thread is rare, everyone is in agreement. No was is saying you guys are happy or that you shouldn't get divorced. What we all seem to be picking up on is your reasoning behind it are all wrong. Basically what your saying is, I want to disrupt my children's lives and walk away from my vows and commitment because I lost weight I'm looking great and younger guys are taking note, that sounds like fun my friend did it and she is having a great time (your outsiders perspective). I know its likely more complicated than that, but that is how its coming across. This is why we all believe your making a mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Indeed remember your kids are super smart. They could potentially learn that if you look hotter than you did in the past, it’s normal to fool around with the opposite gender if you don’t like certain things your significant other does- potentially leading them down a lifetime of failed relationships. Teaching them to struggle through and eventually solve problems in the lowest time of your life is so much wiser. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 As you can see its not just the weight loss...or him not helping...it's a combination of everything. Is it OK for the kids to see that you should stay in a relationship even if you are unhappy? Or is it better to split and be happy on our own? I would not be bringing guys around my kids. That's just wrong. If it was a serious relationship, then yes I would. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 My own dad leaves socks and clothes around the house, my mum has to pick them up - he forgets to do the laundry, and rarely comes when mum says dinner is ready; he needs to be called 4-5 times. She's only gotten him to turn around about 30 years down the road (they are both 63 now). It makes my mum unhappy but she still sees redeeming characteristics elsewhere. I think everybody is encouraging you to have the painful talk. What probably going on is he is frustrated but doesn't want to talk (or doesn't know how to do it peacefully), and he still doesn't view the things he is doing as a problem. Have the talk friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 I am talking to him tonight. I will let you know how things go! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 My own dad leaves socks and clothes around the house, my mum has to pick them up - he forgets to do the laundry, and rarely comes when mum says dinner is ready; he needs to be called 4-5 times. She's only gotten him to turn around about 30 years down the road (they are both 63 now). It makes my mum unhappy but she still sees redeeming characteristics elsewhere. Yes but some women will not tolerate it, and why should they? Your father has taken the mickey and has done so for 30 years. Leaving your mother unhappy and sad and no doubt angry too... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 This is absolutely ripe pickings for the "I'm not going to settle" battle cry some women stand behind when they are about to make the biggest mistake of their lives. Self improvement? Check. Toxic Friend? Check. Inflated ego due to self improvement? Check. Passing of truly wanting to work things out? Check. Thoughts of "having fun"? Check. Already two steps out the door? Check. Husband having no clue? Check. We'll see ya back in two years after the divorce, the fun, and being used up. Think da*n hard about what you are about to do... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Yes but some women will not tolerate it, and why should they? Your father has taken the mickey and has done so for 30 years. Leaving your mother unhappy and sad and no doubt angry too... It's your adult choice to do whatever you like. Just a kind reminder of the massive divorce rate in the United States 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 Everyone has given me a lot to think about. I'm still here. I'm taking it all in. I haven't done anything yet. Feeling good about myself is the only thing I have right now. Don't turn that into a negative please. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 I am talking to him tonight. I will let you know how things go! Good luck! Hopefully he’ll be inspired to be his best self when you lay it all on the line. And if things don’t work out in your marriage know you truly tried to bring out the best in him and maybe he will know better for his next relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 Thanks for the support! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Absolutely. You only have one life, you deserve to be happy. I’m of the opinion that children would rather have two separate happy homes than only a miserable one. But I’m proud of you for seriously giving it some thought and treating your husband and your marriage kindly. I truly hope you find contentment. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 It's not only the weight. He's gross. His hygiene is horrible. He constantly burps even though I tell him it bothers me (we are talking 20 times a minute). He picks his nose in front of us. I know that this sounds mean but I don't want to be with this man. I may be chiming in too late but, while I'm not sure it's humanly possible to burp 20x/minute, this sounds almost like a passive-aggressive form of abuse - i.e. by making the other person feel routinely disgusted. So perhaps the response to counseling was more to have the abuse change forms? Or perhaps he simply doesn't care about these things? I think it's good that folks are warning OP about the gravity of her decisions, but I could certainly see not wishing to have sex, or be married, to a person like this. I know LTRs have to be built partly on compromises, but this sounds pretty awful. Just my personal opinion of course. Guess we shall see how the conversation goes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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