Author angela9090 Posted February 14, 2019 Author Share Posted February 14, 2019 I am a nurse. He definitely has sleep apnea. He went for a physical 5 years ago and got a script for a sleep study but never followed through. Major procrastinator. He snores like nothing you have every seen before. He sleeps on the couch in the living room and the rest of us sleep upstairs. If we go on vacation, we have to get separate rooms because the kids and I don't sleep. I can encourage him to get the sleep study but I can't physically make him go. We have been to marriage counseling three times before this because of his emotional abuse of me and the kids and him not helping. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Hopefully, the abuse stopped. If not, you shouldn’t hesitate to leave. If he doesn’t try to resolve his sleep issues, it’s just another sign that nothing will change. Enough is enough with all the marriage counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 14, 2019 Author Share Posted February 14, 2019 Yes the abuse has stopped after counseling. He knows that this is his last chance. Hopefully he takes it seriously. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Haven't read though everything, and just reflecting on the original post... I'm in almost the same situation. (but I'm the husband) My wife decided she was not in love with me, but is trying to be nice enough to hold things together. There is ZERO affection/love anymore, and because of this, its starting to become a little hostile in the house. She has lost some weight, but it's a stress thing right now... and I've been basically the same weight for 20 years. (we aren't big people, but we aren't athletic either) I think you are facing the same issues. On my side, I did not know that she was internalizing all the issues over the years, and in turn, doesn't want to even forgive, and try to fix things. She keeps saying that "people don't change", and "I should have known". My responses have been... "You really aren't asking for change" and "I don't read minds, or assume the worst". But regardless of that, with a long relationship, there should be at least a chance to resolve things once the other partner has knowledge of the issues. The problem with you... and with my wife... you have clearly already made the decision that you are done. Because of that... there is no way to really move on and fix things, unless you make a clear and conscious effort to fix things. AND... if you cannot, then just be aware that you are being very selfish to your entire family. I know that is harsh, but it's the truth. It's the same as the kid saying... "I'm taking my ball and going home". (ruining the game for everyone) BUT... refection on your side... why drag your family through your problems? It's really kind of a cruel thing to do. And as far as a "Parenting Marriage"... that can't happen. Eventually the lack of love will fester, and it will become a stressful environment. I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but it's the side that you aren't thinking about. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Blind-Sided, I know it’s a lot of info to read in this thread but I think everyone agrees with you that it’s only fair to give a person a chance to fix things, which is what OP has decided to do with her husband. Your wife is being unfair and seems to have never given you a chance to address the issues. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 OP, thinking a bit more about the self-care issue: I believe that, for some people, poor self-care (including hygiene) is a form of manipulation. It forces others to have to act to attend to and deal with the person. Conversely, some people who don't care to interact use it as a way to keep others away. There are also those who simply don't care and those who have actually lost the ability to self-care, e.g. some elderly. If it routinely is intended to offend others, it could be seen as abusive. Not sure which (if any) of these are the case with your H but think its worth it to consider what may be driving this. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Blind-Sided, I know it’s a lot of info to read in this thread but I think everyone agrees with you that it’s only fair to give a person a chance to fix things, which is what OP has decided to do with her husband. Your wife is being unfair and seems to have never given you a chance to address the issues. His wife has another man, he just refuses to see it or even look. That is a beast of another nature. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 His wife has another man, he just refuses to see it or even look. That is a beast of another nature. Here we have a woman who is checking out and were it not for the forum may have already left, with no other man in sight yet some men(usually) are SO convinced that EVERY women who is unhappy with her husband is knee deep in other guys or has monkey branched. We have no idea what blindsided's wife is up to. Some women do just up and go with or without their kids and have no plan to shack up with anyone. Some who are self sufficient do not really need a man or need to grab onto "any man will do " to run off with... some women have more class than to do that. Some women need sex, some women don't, so the NEED for a man is sometimes not pressing in the latter group, whereas it seems many men NEED sex and therefore a new woman is almost obligatory... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 (edited) Here we have a woman who is checking out and were it not for the forum may have already left, with no other man in sight yet some men(usually) are SO convinced that EVERY women who is unhappy with her husband is knee deep in other guys or has monkey branched<snip> Oh but OP is...her interests in younger men who have been giving her attention is a major factor in her wanting to walk away. Not everyone is capable of cheating despite what some believe. Nonetheless, it's a very similar dynamic. Edited February 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 (edited) Is it a similar dynamic? Leaving a relationship is often about moving on to other people surely? But there is a big difference between leaving to maybe have a chance with some younger guys and actually having sex with some other guy whilst still married... Edited February 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 (edited) I am not attracted to him at all. We have not had sex in over a year. I work many more hours a week than him. Yet I am the one that does everything in the house. I will ask him to help more and he does for a couple of weeks. Then he goes back to not helping. I felt really fat and ugly since I had my daughter 14 years ago. Now people tell me that I look so beautiful and I feel so much better about myself. My husband and I are both 42 and we have a 14 year old and a 12 year old. The very FIRST mistake you're making is acting as though he's "helping you" with the domestic chores. You both work full time, therefore, the domestic chores are split 50/50. His share of the chores is 50%. He's not "helping" you - he's doing his 50% share, so STOP referring to it as helping you like he's doing YOU some big, huge favor. And the only one who'll benefit from a 'parenting marriage' is your lazy husband. Right now, all he's got to do is go to work and come home and sit on his dead ass while his meals are cooked, his place is cleaned, his laundry is done, his refrigerator is stocked, his kids are cared for, everything is in it's place and he never runs out of clean underwear. Hell, he's got it MADE. And all he has to do is park his overweight lazy ass in his recliner and watch you do it all. What the hell does he add to YOUR life? Nothing, from what I've read. I don't know if it is the weight loss and feeling better about myself or its my sexual peak but I want to have sex all the time...but certainly not with him. I have not cheated and don't plan to but I definitely want out.Then do it. Call your lawyer and get it done. Your daughter will have to learn to adjust. Don't ever stay in a miserable marriage 'for the kids.' Being a martyr doesn't suit anyone. I know I have to tell him and I do have a lot of guilt about the failure of our marriage. But I am completely unhappy. Thanks in advance for words of wisdom! Why do you have guilt? For what? Finally having had enough of being this guy's work mule while he contributes nothing? I wonder how much 'guilt' your husband feels, laying around all self-entitled being waited on by a woman who works more hours outside the home than he does. I'm willing to bet the answer to that question is zero. Don't waste too much of your time feeling guilty. We have been to marriage counseling three times before this because of his emotional abuse of me and the kids and him not helping. Call your lawyer already. Edited February 14, 2019 by Mrs._December Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 (edited) <snip>I just want to be completely honest. If he asks am I not attracted to him, do I tell the truth? If he asks do I want to sleep with other guys, do I say yes? Why is it SO hard for you to simply admit that you're done? Edited February 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 (edited) The very FIRST mistake you're making is acting as though he's "helping you" with the domestic chores. You both work full time, therefore, the domestic chores are split 50/50. His share of the chores is 50%. He's not "helping" you - he's doing his 50% share, so STOP referring to it as helping you like he's doing YOU some big, huge favor. <snip> Do people even read threads anymore?? Good lord. Besides coming off like a complete ar$e with a war cry of "let's go girls", you might want to read the entire thread... Edited February 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Oh but OP is...her interests in younger men who have been giving her attention is a major factor in her wanting to walk away. Sure it's the reason. Because THIS below couldn't possibly be the reason: We have been to marriage counseling three times before this because of his emotional abuse of me and the kids and him not helping. Or the fact that his lazy ass refuses to pitch in and do his SHARE around the house when his wife works MORE hours than he does. Personally, I think she's just prolonging the divorce by giving this guy yet ANOTHER chance to do nothing. I'll bet good money in 6 months she'll be at her lawyer's office. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 "been to marriage counseling three times" Does this refer to three sessions (which is basically nothing) or three attempts at MC which lasted a significant time and number of sessions? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Do people even read threads anymore?? Good lord. Besides coming off like a complete ar$e with a war cry of "let's go girls", you might want to read the entire thread... I DID read the entire thread. The guy is DISENGAGED and does nothing around the house and thinks he's entitled to lay on his dead ass whenever he's home while his wife works longer hours than he does. She's been to marriage counseling NUMEROUS times with him and nothing ever changes. He has a history of abuse with his wife and kids and he's had no interest in sex with her for a YEAR now. Maybe YOU should read the thread again so YOU don't look like an 'arse.' Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 You ladies can attempt to twist this anyway you like...fact she has dealt with this for years and hadn't left. She loses weight gains outside attention toss in a toxic friend who is convincing her single life is amazing and now she is ready to leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 "For better or worse, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health..." We each get to decide the value and strength of our vows. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 (edited) I DID read the entire thread. The guy is DISENGAGED and does nothing around the house and thinks he's entitled to lay on his dead ass whenever he's home while his wife works longer hours than he does.<snip> Post #61 "I just got finished talking to him. It was a very hard thing to do. He knew that I was unhappy but he didn't know why. I told him that there's a vicious cycle of me telling him to help, then he does for a couple of weeks, then it stops. I said that this ends now. I told him that he needs to take better care of himself, as I am doing so that we can be around for our kids. I told him I'm no where near perfect but am trying and he needs to try too. I told him that he needs to get his sleep study (forgot to mention that he has sleep apnea and has been putting this off for more than 5 years). I said that I don't know if this will fix everything but I think it's a good start. I gave him time to say what he wanted about me. All he said was he wanted communication. He said nothing about sex. We have gone through this before (no sex for 6 months or a year). I feel good about the talk. We will see if he follows through with these things. Thanks for your help everyone. I will be posting updates." This is how an intelligent woman deals with things: She lays it out and puts the onus on him to shape up (just like the OP has). If he does not, than by all means, kill the marriage. How an ar$e of a woman deals with it, is to battle cry "let's go girls, he's never going to change, have a drink of the toxic juice I'm serving, and sc*w explaining it to him. He doesn't need to know how you feel, he'll figure it out". Sound familiar? Probably not to you... Edited February 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote and link to post 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 (edited) Blind-Sided, I know it’s a lot of info to read in this thread but I think everyone agrees with you that it’s only fair to give a person a chance to fix things, which is what OP has decided to do with her husband. Your wife is being unfair and seems to have never given you a chance to address the issues. OK... I'm glad she is giving it a chance. BUT... if it's like my wife who says she wants to try... but then is totally cold... then that's not really giving it a fair try either. I admit I didn't have the time to read all of it. I was in between meetings, and just needed to put my head on straight. ****EDIT**** OK... WOW. I'm glad I went back and read all of that. I really wish I could get my wife to read this. I think it's SO VERY relevant. 1) Lost some weight 2) Has the toxic friend. (Divorced) 3) Has already lost interest in me. 4) Has already decide she was done. 5) The grass is greener. 6) ALL OF THIS. OP... I'm glad you are giving him the chance that I'm not getting. But it needs to be an honest chance. DO NOT hold back affection. treat him nice, and put on a happy face even if you don't much feel like it. In turn, you will keep him on the right path, and ultimately, hopefully, you will become happier. If you don't put on that happy face, he will sense it, and it will just become cold on his side, as he knows his effort isn't making a difference. In turn, killing what could be. Edited February 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 (edited) Wow guys!!! Let me clear up some things. Marriage Counseling several sessions 3 separate times in our marriage. He would tell our kids they were worthless. Among other things. Giving him one more chance isn't going to hurt at this point. Yes I realize that he may not change. It took a long time for me to be confident enough to leave him. There's nothing wrong with that. I am giving him another chance...I am not like blind sideds wife. I'm trying. He's not the one with no interest in sex. That's all me. I don't want it with him. We have been together and have had problems like this for a long time. He knows when to leave me alone and not try. I will certainly show more affection if he starts taking care of himself. I just can't right now. Frigginlost thank you so much for your compliment! I believe that you all are right about blind sideds wife having someone else. Remember I have not done anything yet. I don't need a man to be able to leave him. I'm a strong independent woman. Truth be told...I have not been getting attention from young guys. I still have more weight to lose and I'm quite shy and haven't had to flirt in a long time. If anything, I am the one trying to flirt. I do see guys looking at me but I'm so awkward I usually just ignore them. Hopefully this makes things clearer. Edited February 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 Just a thought angela9090 - if it comes to that point, suggest thinking "right guy" rather than "young guy". And maybe "right guy" will turn out to be young, who knows. You are aways from crossing that bridge anyhow, if you end up doing it. Wish you the best of luck... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 Good way to put it. Thanks Mark! Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 I'm an emotional eater. I gained weight as my marriage became more and more unhappy. I'm not blaming my xH, I'm explaining the process, in my case. When I started waking up to the reality of the state of my marriage I had numerous discussions with my xH about how I was feeling. Taking control of my life instead of living in denial empowered me to feel better about myself and I stopped over eating and started being more active. I lost all the extra weight I had put on. All of that happened while I was working through the process of accepting my marriage was over. Yes, I met someone I fell for and realized that meant I was truly done with my marriage. Regardless of what anyone else might think, I did NOT need another man in my sights in order to leave my marriage. The man in question was not available and I was very much aware of that. But the fact I was able to have the feelings I had for him showed me I was done with my marriage. I left to be free from an unhappy situation, not to be with another man. It sounds like OP probably went through a similar process, minus meeting someone else. My guess is her being attracted to younger men is part of her feeling in control of her own life again, NOT the reason she wants to leave her marriage. OP I hope you and your husband can make things work. But if not, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for making the right choice for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 Great perspective from someone who has been in my shoes!!!! Thank you so much for sharing. Link to post Share on other sites
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