I want out!

[angela9090]

Hello! I have been married for 18 years. We have had our ups and downs like any marriage. We both let ourselves go after we had kids. I decided to change. In the past 10 months, I have lost 55 pounds and still am working on losing more. My husband has no interest in losing weight. He works full time and I work 40-60 hours a week. We have gotten ourselves into debt but we are on track to pay it all off soon.

 

I am not attracted to him at all. We have not had sex in over a year. I work many more hours a week than him. Yet I am the one that does everything in the house. I will ask him to help more and he does for a couple of weeks. Then he goes back to not helping. I felt really fat and ugly since I had my daughter 14 years ago. Now people tell me that I look so beautiful and I feel so much better about myself. My husband and I are both 42 and we have a 14 year old and a 12 year old.

 

Our 14 year old has anxiety issues and she's just started on meds which are helping tremendously. I went in on a session with her and her therapist and she mentioned that she felt like her dad and I were not doing well and she was worried that there was going to be a divorce. I lied and said that we were fine. I have read about a "parenting marriage" and thought that might be a good idea because we work opposite shifts during the week. But on the weekends, I can't stand being around him. Everything that he does bothers me. He doesn't help me and I feel like he's just taking up space in my house.

 

I don't know if it is the weight loss and feeling better about myself or its my sexual peak but I want to have sex all the time...but certainly not with him. I have not cheated and don't plan to but I definitely want out. And I'm so attracted to younger guys....because I feel like we would have similar sex drives. I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to handle this.

 

I know I have to tell him and I do have a lot of guilt about the failure of our marriage. But I am completely unhappy. Thanks in advance for words of wisdom!

Edited February 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[FMW]

Tell him how you feel, honestly, including that you are ready to leave. See what his response is. After 18 years of marriage you owe him that conversation before pulling the plug.

 

If you truly feel your marriage is over then divorce, just make very sure you've done what you can to save it if possible.

 

I divorced after 23 years. I don't regret it, but it's certainly not an easy thing to deal with. I'm still adjusting after 3 years.

[standtall]

OP, Based on the info in your original post, it doesn't sound like you have given your husband a chance to realize how serious you are about him stepping up his husband game.

 

18 Yrs, 2 kids. You have to give it the old college try to honor the oath your swore and contract you signed in front of friends, family, and God. Otherwise, you're just another quitter.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I totally agree. Vows mean something. Look into couples counseling, not divorce.

 

Congrats on your healthy lifestyle changes!

Edited February 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post

[elaine567]

Tell him divorce is on the cards if things don't change. He needs to be given a heads up at least.

Too many men it seems are completely blindsided when their wife walks out, they had literally no idea things were that bad... he doesn't deserve that.

 

 

Also I know you are all fired up, your ego is flying high, but be careful what you wish for.

He may be a bit chubby with some faults, but you have what sounds like a loyal, non abusive, stable man who is a provider, the 35+ dating scene is full of "unstable" men who have no intention of being "providers"...

Do an accurate cost benefit analysis of your relationship and take special note of the financial costs of divorce and the impact divorce may have on your kids.

[amaysngrace]

I agree with Elaine. Right now you have what seems like a decent and reliable man at home. Sure you can take your chances with someone new but you already know the tried and true. Is he a good father?

 

If the answer to that is yes then your motivations for leaving are purely selfish ones and you’ll be putting your own happiness above your children’s and that wouldn’t really be fair to them.

 

Do you practice gratitude at all? That’s fabulous that you lost 55 lbs and have gotten yourself healthy on the outside but what about your mind and spirit? Do you take steps to have a healthy balance there also?

 

If you’re suddenly receiving attention from the opposite sex that you hadn’t had in a while remember that this man, your husband, loved you even when you were heavy. If nothing else be thankful for that at least.

[The Dude Abides]

Angela

 

I agree with all comments made so far. Please try to talk with your hubby and get his attention. Give him enough time to get the message and to start to work on his half of the problems in the marriage. One "Big Talk" likely won't be enough to get his attention. it will need to be an ongoing work in progress...

 

That's fantastic that you were able to lose so much weight ! That shows tremendous resolve on your part and certainly you can apply that same focus and intensity to work on things with your husband.

 

Best wishes for both of you.

[mark clemson]

Thanks in advance for words of wisdom!

 

OP, all of this is just my personal opinion, but if you want words of wisdom, mine are to resist the temptation to have an affair. Given what you're written it's one may likely encounter.

 

Thing about affairs is they feel great at first, but they eventually turn into a major emotional headache, even if not discovered. AND, if/when they are discovered they often ruin people's lives. Do some reading over in the Infidelity and OM/OW sections if you don't believe me.

 

Think about suddenly facing a vengeful, aggressive divorce without having planned for it. Plus, what it would be like to have your children start to feel alienated from you (they love their dad, even if you don't anymore)?

 

So, IF you can't work it out suggest divorcing on your terms BEFORE "moving on".

 

My two cents.

[DKT3]

Unfortunately women and weight loss often equal dissatisfaction in her marriage. Look it up, it's scary.

 

Marry young, kids young tend to make people feel as if they've missed out. Couple that with the weight loss which has also increased outside attention has you looking outside for sexual gratification.

 

I don't believe at this point anything will curve your desire, what happens after? Once you have had enough of the young men you seek.

[angela9090]

I appreciate everyone's input. I feel like we have been in this circle of I tell him he's not helping, he does for a few weeks, then doesn't again...for a very long time. He has to know that I am unhappy and I'm sure he is too. So if we stay together and divorce as soon as the kids are out of the house, how does that make them feel? Like we had to stay together for them? Is that a good or bad thing? I would not have an affair. I would get out first. I have an awesome stable job so finances are not an issue. I know my intentions may seem selfish but I'm so unhappy. I cry every day. The kids know that we are unhappy and what is that teaching them about relationships? Is it better to stay and never have sex again? I never had anyone say that my weight loss is negative...that's quite harsh. Just some thoughts...

Edited February 11, 2019 by angela9090
Forgot something

[d0nnivain]

He has to know that I am unhappy and I'm sure he is too. ..

 

No. No. No!

 

You assuming he knows is completely unfair. That is you expecting him to be a mind-reader & then punishing him for not being able to read your mind.

 

Sit down & talk to your husband Tell him what you have told us & get yourselves set up for marriage counseling. Ask your daughter's therapist for some referrals.

[angela9090]

OK I will talk to him. That's the first step...thank you!

[Mr. Lucky]

I have an awesome stable job so finances are not an issue.

 

Then put some of that joint income to work at improving your lives today. Hire someone to clean the house. Sign up for a meal delivery service. Free up some time to focus on family and each other.

 

Look, with two full time plus jobs and two kids no one's getting enough attention, you're just naturally focused on your own situation. If you haven't had sex in a year, neither has he, right? I'd guess he could write his own heart-felt post about how his wife is ignoring his needs.

 

Others have already given good advice. I'd approach this with him from a positive standpoint - you want a better marriage and, on that basis, some changes are needed. Keep posting, let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Iamyoungjuan]

My wife just recently left me I had no idea she was unhappy she told me after she left that was unfair too me its been four months and I’m still hurt

 

Long story short you should talk to him and let him know I you feel he might not know that your that unhappy give him a chance and talk to him before you try to bail

[stillafool]

Why is it when people come here saying they want a divorce, no longer attracted to their spouse, don't want sex with them and are now attracted to younger men we advise them to stay married?

[amaysngrace]

Because it’s the right thing to do to try to exhaust every avenue before throwing in the towel?

[DKT3]

I never had anyone say that my weight loss is negative...that's quite harsh. Just some thoughts...

 

I assume this part was directed to me. I'm not saying weight loss is bad, of course its not. What I'm saying is when a woman loses weight it increases the sexual attention that they receive. This attention can make them start to think what if. This is a real thing, look it up. For example studies have shown that women who receive the weight loss surgery divorce roughly 80% of the time. 80%!!

[bathtub-row]

I think you’re on the path of making a huge mistake. Maybe your husband isn’t Mr Wonderful but you don’t have a clue as to what’s out there. Just read the posts about dating and you’ll realize what a hot mess it is. Not to mention the number of abusive men out there and a ton of other things. Yeah, your life may be comfortably boring but there are far worse things. I don’t think you realize just how gut-wrenching it will be to tear apart the 18-yr history you have with your husband.

 

It’s great that you changed yourself but it’s not at all fair to suddenly judge your husband because of what you’ve done. What if the roles were reversed and he had lost a bunch of weight and dumped his fat wife and chased younger women? Well, he would’ve just been a total jerk in your eyes and you would’ve been blindsided and devastated.

 

As far as the house chores are concerned, is there some reason why your kids can’t pitch in? How about bringing in a cleaning service once a month? If I were you, I’d look around and appreciate what I had. There’s nothing to say that your husband won’t take a hard look at the situation and realize he needs to step up his game. Maybe be more loving toward him and see if the love you had for one another can be rekindled. There are a ton of options rather than throwing away your marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why is it when people come here saying they want a divorce, no longer attracted to their spouse, don't want sex with them and are now attracted to younger men we advise them to stay married?

 

We don't. We advise them to make sure they're asking the right questions. Don't think she is...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

Why is it when people come here saying they want a divorce, no longer attracted to their spouse, don't want sex with them and are now attracted to younger men we advise them to stay married?

 

Because there’s a huge amount at stake and, in this particular case, there are no real dealbreaker type behaviors on the spouse’s part. They can possibly be fixed and it’s worth trying because it’s a big deal to toss away a long-term relationship, especially when kids are involved.

 

Most of the time, people here complain because so many people tell the person to get out. And, most of the time, that’s what they should do. In this case, I think it’s different. Like I pointed out before, if this were husband wanting out because he lost weight and wanted to chase younger women, he’d suddenly be a jerk.

[TheRainbow]

Did you tell your husband how you feel. Tell him that you aren't sexually attracted to him and really considering a divorce. If he doesn't know just how unhappy you are, then you aren't giving him a fair chance to try save it.

[preraph]

I'm all for you getting out if you're not happy anymore, and it's not doing your kids any good seeing what's going on in the home between you two. You're training them by your example what to put up with, you know.

 

That said, don't expect to get to go on a big sex spree with younger guys or even have much interest thrown at you by men in general, because I'm 66 and been through all the age stages and I can tell you, young guys might, might have sex, but that would be all, and guys your age are still chasing younger women. I felt invisible during those years. It's not going to be anything like when you were young. Men just don't even look at middle-aged women, no matter how good you look. They can tell you're older, no matter what. Random sex isn't that much fun, and even if you found a young guy to have sex with, likely it would be a one or two time thing and you'd have zero priority in his life.

Plus you can't very well bring them to your house when your daughters are there.

 

But again, if you are unhappy, get a divorce. At least you can unload all the resentment from having to carry the load. Just don't count on your love life going great guns just because you're at your sexual peak and lost weight. You can't go back in time.

[angela9090]

I do appreciate everyone's insight and how you all have spoken respectfully. I've been on other forums for other subjects and people were just mean. So why does everyone assume that I want another long term relationship? Yes I want to have fun. I have a friend who has gone through this and I am planning on picking her brain. She's about 10 years older than me and she doesn't plan on getting married again and she's very happy with her life. She has three kids.

I guess my fear is that I tell my husband what to fix and he does, but I still want out. Then there's nothing I can do because I got what I asked for. I think I'm going to say to him "this is what I think is making me unhappy but even if you change it, I may still want out ". I just want to be completely honest. If he asks am I not attracted to him, do I tell the truth? If he asks do I want to sleep with other guys, do I say yes?

[BaileyB]

It’s pretty clear to me that you have decided you are done with your marriage. If that’s the case, save yourself the money and don’t drag your husband to marriage counselling...

 

You seem to believe that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence... I’m not going to try and convince you that your husband is a good person or that your marriage is worth saving - you know your husband and that is for you to decide.

 

Just beware, single life and dating may not be the fun adventure that you think it will be. Be sure that your expectations are reasonable before you throw away your marriage to go chasing a good time... Be sure you are ending your marriage for the right reasons, not because you lost weight, your children are older, and you feel like now is the time to reclaim your lost youth...

 

Perhaps I missed this, but have you been to see an individual counsellor Angela? They may be able to help you to truly understand these feelings of unhappiness you have been feeling and look at your decision re: your marriage from an unbiased perspective (ie. to help you to not make an emotional decision, which is what you are about to do now...)

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband has no interest in losing weight. ... I am not attracted to him at all. We have not had sex in over a year.

 

Congrats on the substantial weight loss.

 

Since you yourself were substantially overweight for a long time, I wonder why you judge your husband so harshly for his size now? I'll assume you expected love and acceptance regardless of BMI...

 

Mr. Lucky