bathtub-row Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Mark, I agree that the husband sounds obnoxious and uncouth. However, if she lights a fire under him, he might rise to the occasion. The real red flag here, to me, is that there’s a distinct correlation between her losing weight and wanting out. If things were that bad before, why didn’t she leave before the weight loss? You see, I think he was a safety net until she got to the point where she felt good about herself and thinking she has other - better - options than she did before the weight loss. But the danger is that she most likely would’ve stayed had she never lost the weight, or until her husband got his act together, lost weight, and left his overweight wife. I would be more convinced about her decision being a sound one if she were talking about this before the weight loss. Not to mention she’s brought up the issue of younger guys. Sounds like a head-on collision just waiting to happen. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 It’s my understanding that they’d been to marriage counseling long before she lost the weight so trouble in the marriage has been a recurring theme. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 I think it's good that folks are warning OP about the gravity of her decisions, but I could certainly see not wishing to have sex, or be married, to a person like this. I know LTRs have to be built partly on compromises, but this sounds pretty awful. Just my personal opinion of course. Guess we shall see how the conversation goes. I'm not against divorce in the least. Sometimes it is definitely better to cut the chord. What I'm against is the way it's gone about. If a married couple do everything to try to save it (either side) and it just is not going to work, than by all means it's best to split. If the divorce is because toxic friends, or ego etc, then that person better think long and hard because the grass is never greener... Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Look, I get it. You don't see yourself being in a sexless, loveless marriage forever and for now, you're stuck. I think this is a legitimate reason for divorce. I think you should leave. But not now. Your daughter has anxiety. The kids are teens. It's a sensitive age. Wait. You are only 42. keep up the good work with the weight loss and maintenance, and wait for the kids to be out of the house and then divorce your husband and go get the sex and/or love you are craving. You have time. It would be wrong to leave now. In the meantime, talk to your husband, go to couples' therapy, and try to make your marriage more enjoyable. Read some books, work on yourself. There are two people in a marriage and by you changing your perspective, things can start feeling better. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Yes, very good points all around (Bathtub, Amaysn, FL, BEL)... Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 Yes we have had marriage problems for a long time. Yes he was a safety net. Yes I feel better about myself...enough to ask for a divorce. Won't the kids feel like we were only staying together for them if we split after they are gone? That seems like a bad thing. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Kids are innately selfish and mostly all they really care about is how a divorce will affect their creature comforts. If their schedule/life is disrupted, it will be a bad thing for them. Adults whose parents split up don't have that component to it (much anyway). Yes, they might think you stayed together just for them, but so what? Is that such a bad thing for them to think? No. (My parents split when I was in my late twenties, and my ex and I divorced when my kids were in elementary school). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 That's why I thought the "parenting marriage" was an option. Their lives wouldn't be disrupted. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 I think overall you’re on the right track, Angela - give the guy a chance to rescue this sinking ship. If he doesn’t want to, then leave him. I’m a believer in giving a person a chance to fix things and you seem to be on the same page with that. At the very least, he can’t say he was blindsided. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Won't the kids feel like we were only staying together for them if we split after they are gone? Given this ... The kids know that we are unhappy and what is that teaching them about relationships? ... I'd guess the kids would hope, sooner rather than later, that you take steps to get the two of you to a healthier, happier place... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 (edited) I just got finished talking to him. It was a very hard thing to do. He knew that I was unhappy but he didn't know why. I told him that there's a vicious cycle of me telling him to help, then he does for a couple of weeks, then it stops. I said that this ends now. I told him that he needs to take better care of himself, as I am doing so that we can be around for our kids. I told him I'm no where near perfect but am trying and he needs to try too. I told him that he needs to get his sleep study (forgot to mention that he has sleep apnea and has been putting this off for more than 5 years). I said that I don't know if this will fix everything but I think it's a good start. I gave him time to say what he wanted about me. All he said was he wanted communication. He said nothing about sex. We have gone through this before (no sex for 6 months or a year). I feel good about the talk. We will see if he follows through with these things. Thanks for your help everyone. I will be posting updates. Edited February 12, 2019 by angela9090 Autocorrect. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 I will stand up and give a round of applause for your hard work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Well done! Well, that’s the first step and now it’s up to him. I’m sure you’re glad that’s done. Yes, keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 Thanks! There must still be feelings there because it was hard and I didn't want to hurt him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Thanks! There must still be feelings there because it was hard and I didn't want to hurt him. I believe that love can often be rekindled if both parties want it to happen. I hope your husband takes to heart the things you said. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Excellent decision. Well done! Hoping for the best, no matter which way it turns out. You did the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 angela9090, Wow! You have some great support here and it's kind of unusual to see someone who is wise enough to take the counsel given so quickly! You don't need my advice but I do want to share something with you that may bolster your resolve to give your marriage all you've got before throwing in the towel! I have watched three women your age go through what you're going through over the past three years for one, and two-and-a-half-years for the other two. They all left their husbands. They all looked great! One of them is a kind of instagram star with thousands of men following her posts. She has a six-figure salary, an expense account, and a company car. The other two came begging back to their husbands within eighteen months of leaving. Ms. Instagram just came begging back the past week (after a little over 2 1/2 years of leaving)! Her husband had also gained weight over the marriage but she was/is in great shape and quite glamorous. She wouldn't give her now ex the time of day when he tried to keep the marriage together. But, it seems she's found that all the guys she thought would be out there for her just want to use her. No one really wants to settle down with her and be accountable to her or financially helpful. She also had not one but two toxic friends who cheered her on to leave her marriage. One of them is divorced and the other is in a marriage that is perpetually on the rocks. Her ex husband doesn't want her back now. He began working out, lost weight, and looks fantastic! And there are quite a few women wanting to date him. Today he told me that his daughter told him Ms. Instagram sits around and cries because she wants him back! That is a far cry from the way she behaved when she left him for greener pastures. One of these three men did take his ex wife back. The other two are done with the exes. All that to say, none of these women thought they'd want the ex back but all of them did. And two of them are flat out of luck because now the tables are turned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 Thanks for sharing! Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 I believe that love can often be rekindled if both parties want it to happen. I hope your husband takes to heart the things you said. I also believe that when one starts down a road like this if we can kinda understand what is truly the driving force we can easily correct course. I believe her marriage has been difficult, whose marriage isnt. I believe she has been unhappy, hubby sounds abit like another child. I also believe the driving force is outside of those reasons. The attention and the toxic friend (yes toxic, be careful of the bitter sad person looking for company) is a larger force. A true case of GIG here. Leaving a relationship because you think it's better elsewhere is not a good reason, and often leads one to make a huge mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Angela, I just wanted to tell you that I’m proud of you! It’s not easy to have the hard conversations, but you did it. You said what you wanted to say... I hope he heard what you said and puts some thought to action. Keep communicating with him - if he is doing well, tell him you are pleased/proud. If you need something more, tell him what you are thinking. Continue with your own counselling and keep working on it! Let us know how it goes... we are all rooting for you! Come what may... Link to post Share on other sites
Author angela9090 Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 Thanks so much Bailey! Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 I'm coming in late to the conversation. Everyone has given you great advice! The only experience I can personally relay to you is the fact that I stayed with my first husband for 32 years, not necessarily for the children, but because I really do believe in the sanctity of marriage and honoring your vows. I have three (now grown) daughters who watched our failing marriage and though we did have fun and wonderful family times, I am afraid we did not set a good example of what a supportive, loving, mutually respectful marriage should look like. All three of them struggle in relationships and have anxiety issues. On top of all that, soon after we divorced, I went right from the frying pan into the fire by marrying a narcissistic, manipulative, emotionally abusive man who almost destroyed me. The grass might sometimes look greener, but that's just because it has been treated with toxic chemicals to make it look more attractive. I am glad you are communicating and giving your husband a chance to fight for your marriage. I hope everything goes well! I am, myself, on a journey right now, learning to love and respect myself. It's not always easy, but your story is an inspiration! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Yeah, if nothing else, a sleep study is a must if he really has sleep apnea. On top of causing some annoying issues (i.e. snoring), sleep apnea is something that could prove to be fatal if not treated. Not defending him, but it could also explain his laziness. If he's got sleep apnea, he's not getting quality sleep, which ends up leaving you usually feeling exhausted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Sleep apnea can cause exhaustion and mental confusion. This may be the source of him forgetting stuff and generally being disorganized. If he is able to breathe well in the middle of the night, you may be looking at meeting a totally different man. Go ahead and confirm this with your local doctors too. Link to post Share on other sites
trulycommitted Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you are facing in your marriage. Have you tried talking to a marriage counselor? A good counselor or relationship coach might be able to give you some solid guidance. Do you think your husband might consider going with you? You've been married for 18 years – that’s a lot of investment into the marriage to walk away from without first seeking wise counsel; on top of that you have 2 kids. Counseling might help you to work out any problems that are too big to tackle on your own. Either with the help of a pro or on your own, I would not end things until you have tried everything you can reasonably think of to save the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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