How to break up with someone you love

[geronimo]

I feel like this is Karma. Near the end of 2014 I first joined this blog because I was going through a breakup. I had been dumped by my girlfriend of 5 years, and the only explanation she gave me was because her parents weren't ok with our relationship due to our religious differences. It was hard, I found out she was with another guy soon after our breakup so her reason for breaking up didn't seem genuine anymore and I really hated her for it. Long story short, I got over her, we had a couple interactions post breakup but we are not friends or anything even though she wanted to remain friends.

 

I was single for about 2 years didn't date much until I found my current girlfriend. We have been dating for about 20 months now and I love her. She is nothing like my ex, she's kind, caring, and a beautiful person inside and out. In the 20 months of us dating, we have never had a fight and whenever we disagree on anything we find a way to make it work. This is the best relationship I have ever been in and seen even from my friends point of view. Sadly I'm in the same boat as before, our parents do not agree with our relationship because of the religious differences. We have informed both of our parents only to have them get upset and become dramatic. However it seems like she still really wants to fight for it and I did too at one point but I can see how much it bothers my parents and I really don't want to keep putting them through that. This girl means a lot to me, she has given me so much strength and confidence in myself and I'm sure I have done the same for her, I really don't want to lose her in my life but I feel like we both know it can't keep going on like this. I know she wants a future because she has asked me once or twice if I see a future with her and I have said yes, but I'm no longer sure if I do.

 

I really don't want to hurt her, she is one of the best things to happen to me, and as hypocritical as it sounds I really do want to stay friends. I want to breakup with her in an amicable way (if that's even possible). I know what its like for someone to breakup with them over a reason they cannot control and how hard and ****ty it felt, but at least I am not running into someone else's arms, which made it much worse in my pervious breakup. If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated.

[FMW]

There is no good way to break up with her, there is no way you are NOT going to hurt her.

 

In the future don't date someone outside of your religion if it's such an important thing.

[d0nnivain]

You tell her straight up that you are picking your parents over her. Of course it will hurt her but if you are unwilling to work to over come the religious differences, what else is there.

 

Since this has now been an issue for you twice, start dating women of your own faith.

[Trail Blazer]

It's such a ridiculous situation you find yourself in. Two seemingly perfectly compatible human beings are literally being torn apart by unsubstantiated beliefs. Take religion out of the equation and we wouldn't be sitting here talking about how it's impossible for you to not break this girls heart. Sorry, but that's just the reality.

 

In future, do NOT date outside of your religion. Or better still, ditch religion altogether! I don't know where you live or what your religion is, but I can only speak on my behalf and say that I am glad I live in one of the more secular and progressive states. I simply cannot date anyone who is an avid believer in any faith. It's incompatible for so many reasons.

 

Best of luck. I don't envy your position.

[minimariah2]

Two seemingly perfectly compatible human beings are literally being torn apart by unsubstantiated beliefs.

 

to be fair - if you're ready to ditch your partner because your parents disapprove... how compatible are you really? and how strong do you REALLY feel about this person? on her end, it's worth a fight - on his, not soo much. speaks volumes.

[FerDeLance]

I am curious, do your gfs know each other? How about the families? Are they of the same religion? You don’t need to answer my questions if you’re not comfortable.

 

Your question was how to break up with someone you love. My two cents is just tell her the reasons, which she already knows, and help her see that it will not work down the road and that these situation will just pit you against one another and end up hating each other.

 

I am guessing that you are both still young and that is why the parents have so much leverage. Keep in touch with both gfs and maintain the friendly atmosphere despite the differences in religion. Learn about their religion and share yours. Who knows you might become one of them or one of them become one of you. Or once you are on your own (or finished school, I am assuming you are still young), unless you have found someone, you might want to pick up where you left off. My wife and I had different faiths but since we were on our own, there was nothing anybody could say about it. Over two decades and still going strong.

[Nilfiry]

Rip the bandaid off in one swift motion.

 

Also,

In the future don't date someone outside of your religion if it's such an important thing.

[geronimo]

Thank you guys for your input. I'll give a bit of background about myself and the situation to help understand this better.

 

I'm 27 years old. As for my first RS - the issue was mostly with my ex gf and not so much on my end. I do understand that I shouldn't put myself in these situations if I know it's not going to work out but honestly at the time that I had gotten into this relationship, I thought I would be able to handle it.

 

Religion isn't a huge part of my life, but it is very important to my parents. I honestly don't know if I truly believe in religion at all but I am still in the process of making that decision for myself. That doesn't change the fact that I will still be hurting my parents if I stay with her. My parents are getting older and I don't want to bring them any more grief, on top of that I feel like there's more burden on me since I am their oldest and they have certain expectations of me.

 

Don't get me wrong, I fought for this multiple times, I have told my parents and have tried to make them understand but they just start being dramatic about it and say that it will not work in the long run due to our differences. Their solution to this was to start getting me to look at girls that they know from our background instead. I didn't want to disrespect my girlfriend so I turned it down but they keep pressurizing me because they know that I am with someone that they don't approve of. It would have been easier as well if her parents were ok with us, but she has told me that her parents also feel the same way as mine and are not ok with us being together in the long run. She is trying to slowing bring them around, and I have been trying to do the same with mine but to no avail.

[imheretoday]

I feel like this is Karma. Near the end of 2014 I first joined this blog because I was going through a breakup. I had been dumped by my girlfriend of 5 years, and the only explanation she gave me was because her parents weren't ok with our relationship due to our religious differences. It was hard, I found out she was with another guy soon after our breakup so her reason for breaking up didn't seem genuine anymore and I really hated her for it. Long story short, I got over her, we had a couple interactions post breakup but we are not friends or anything even though she wanted to remain friends.

 

I was single for about 2 years didn't date much until I found my current girlfriend. We have been dating for about 20 months now and I love her. She is nothing like my ex, she's kind, caring, and a beautiful person inside and out. In the 20 months of us dating, we have never had a fight and whenever we disagree on anything we find a way to make it work. This is the best relationship I have ever been in and seen even from my friends point of view. Sadly I'm in the same boat as before, our parents do not agree with our relationship because of the religious differences. We have informed both of our parents only to have them get upset and become dramatic. However it seems like she still really wants to fight for it and I did too at one point but I can see how much it bothers my parents and I really don't want to keep putting them through that. This girl means a lot to me, she has given me so much strength and confidence in myself and I'm sure I have done the same for her, I really don't want to lose her in my life but I feel like we both know it can't keep going on like this. I know she wants a future because she has asked me once or twice if I see a future with her and I have said yes, but I'm no longer sure if I do.

 

I really don't want to hurt her, she is one of the best things to happen to me, and as hypocritical as it sounds I really do want to stay friends. I want to breakup with her in an amicable way (if that's even possible). I know what its like for someone to breakup with them over a reason they cannot control and how hard and ****ty it felt, but at least I am not running into someone else's arms, which made it much worse in my pervious breakup. If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated.

 

Yes please make her a favor and break up with her, so she can go on to find a man who TRULY loves and wants to be with her no matter what. She deserves better than someone that puts religion above her.

 

And next time don't date someone out of your religion if that's important for you.

 

This is not about your parents, it's about YOU that don't have the courage to stand your ground.

Edited February 12, 2019 by imheretoday

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thank you guys for your input. I'll give a bit of background about myself and the situation to help understand this better.

 

I'm 27 years old. As for my first RS - the issue was mostly with my ex gf and not so much on my end. I do understand that I shouldn't put myself in these situations if I know it's not going to work out but honestly at the time that I had gotten into this relationship, I thought I would be able to handle it.

 

Religion isn't a huge part of my life, but it is very important to my parents. I honestly don't know if I truly believe in religion at all but I am still in the process of making that decision for myself. That doesn't change the fact that I will still be hurting my parents if I stay with her. My parents are getting older and I don't want to bring them any more grief, on top of that I feel like there's more burden on me since I am their oldest and they have certain expectations of me.

.

 

 

IMO you'd be wise to figure out what you believe before settling down with someone who doesn't believe as you were raised to believe. You say you're in the process of making that decision for yourself. So maybe talk with your gf's pastor and your parents' pastor about figuring out what you believe.

 

I would also, in your place, want to know what the gf believes. If she, too, is in limbo about it, it might be good for the both of you to step back and do some investigating as to what you may want for your lives.

 

If both sets of parents are devout, it's possible at some later date the two of you will find you're each getting more interested in religion and going in separate directions. What we are exposed to as children has an influence on us.

 

I wasn't "religious" at all when I was your age. But my dad was very spiritual and mom was religious (I see the two states as being different). I'm now deeply spiritual and deeply involved in my church. I believe my childhood training, which I abandoned at one point, had much to do with it.

 

The Bible says, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." Notice it doesn't say he won't depart from it at all but rather "when he is old he will not depart from it."

 

From what I've seen folks from religious or spiritual backgrounds often eventually find they return to their roots even when they've been away from them for some time.

 

That is just one reason why your parents are so concerned about your differences. When two people who are married practice different spiritual persuasions it can sometimes be a difficult way to live.

 

IMO your parents aren't going about things the right way as far as lecturing you and also trying to introduce you to other women but I do think they may have a valid concern. Still, you're an adult. It seems good to me that you're taking this seriously.

[emeraldgreen]

One day your parents are going to be dead. What good is their approval then?

 

Fight for what YOU want. It's your life and you only get one.

[Trail Blazer]

to be fair - if you're ready to ditch your partner because your parents disapprove... how compatible are you really? and how strong do you REALLY feel about this person? on her end, it's worth a fight - on his, not soo much. speaks volumes.

 

Once again, it stems back to religion. It's his parents' religion which dictate how they perceive the situation, thus having the flow-on effect of affecting their son's decision to be with someone.

[minimariah2]

Once again, it stems back to religion. It's his parents' religion which dictate how they perceive the situation, thus having the flow-on effect of affecting their son's decision to be with someone.

 

exactly - he is choosing to let go of the girl, due to his PARENTS' religion, meaning he probably uses that as an excuse to break off a relationship he simply doesnt want to be in. after all, he is his own person and his parents do not have any control over his actions - so it is his choice to allow his parents to affect his decision about his relationship.

 

many have found themselves in this situation and they chose to break it off with the PARENTS, not the SO - so it comes down to each individual's decision and priorities.

[Nilfiry]

I feel like the OP is a person from a particular culture where family ties and cohesion is highly valued, so I think that some people's questioning of his compatibility or priorities is a bit warranted. It is not as easy to break free from the effects of one's cultures as many people think. For example, many western cultures have no trouble eating the meat of cows, chicken, and pigs, but abhors the idea of eating dogs and cats. You can forget trying to change people's minds about it.

 

That being said, I agree with the general consensus as well regarding the parents....

 

You are going to have to stop letting your parents get in the way of your life. Parents are supposed to enrich their children's lives, and not hinder it like crabs in a bucket. Honestly, they are also often wrong when it comes to personal decisions like this, especially those parents who are so deeply rooted in religion or tradition that it overrides their logic and common sense.

 

I know first hand how yielding to your parents' whims can make your life suffer, and the worst part is that the same parents are the ones later going, "why aren't you like [insert random successful person they met here]?" It will just make you want to scream to them, "because it's your f**kin' fault!"

 

Do yourself a favor--and I mean no disrespect to your parents-- and either cut off the cancer or force them to accept it by doing it anyway. They will either be pissed off at you for a while and then learn to deal with it, or they will cut YOU off and at least now you can be free to make your own decisions.

[Gillys]

I'm assuming that you're Muslim by your posts. My ex is Muslim and did the same thing to me. There is no way around it, you're going to hurt her deeply for choosing your parents. In fact, you know this since your ex did it to you. If you truly feel that you have to choose your parents then be honest and deal with your guilt. Don't try to force a friendship or lead her on afterwards if she needs time on her own to heal.