My sister wants to invite me ex-wife to her wedding

[salparadise]

I think you should be careful how you handle things. If she's posting trash on social media, a restrained response is something to consider. In public relations and politics it's understood that a quick response is necessary to refute slander and false allegations. You don't need to get into a tit-for-tat with her. Just take the high road with more general response pointing out that she's resorting to a social media campaign to inflict harm, which also affects the kids, and that the allegations are all either exaggerated or false. Make the point that it says more about her than you.

 

Also, be aware of what is known as "parental alienation syndrome." That's when one parent poisons the children against the other parent. My brother was a victim of this and he lost his relationship with his three boys in their early teen years. His ex was BSC, and she managed to cut him out completely. It was tragic. That was fifteen years ago, and just recently one of the boys contacted him and met him for dinner. He finally figured out what his mother did to them and their father. But they can't get those years back, and now it's just a shadow of what a parent/child relationship would normally be (they live far apart). The other two boys haven't come to the realization yet, but we're hoping they will.

 

The way this works is they portray the other parent as evil, and force the kids to be fully on board with that narrative... or else they will withdraw love and affection. The kids have to choose, but they actually have no choice. It's nasty, nasty stuff. Never give up your visitation rights. If she ever tries to cancel your visitation, take the court order and a sheriff's deputy with you to pick up the kids. Make sure she knows you'll do that if she tries to deny you access. My brother's ex would invite the boy's friends and girlfriends to her house when they were with their father, then call to lure them away. You have to get out in front of this––being passive and non-confrontational will fail.

[Miss Clavel]

My ex-husband's family was the only family I had for 32 years. His family and I were still close after the divorce, UNTIL he started pressuring me because his new girlfriend did NOT want me around his family. <snip>

 

As you can see, it's a sensitive topic for me. I understand that the family is supposed to side with their blood relations after a divorce. Why can't everyone just get along and let people keep the relationships they spent decades developing? A little maturity goes a long way.

 

any member of a family, when they marry or pair bond has the right to ask their mate be accepted into the family. if the relationship fails, they do not have the right to ask the family to expel the ex. period.

 

i stayed away from my ex's family starting on Dday because some of them knew and some of them didn't care what he was doing to us.

 

the OW pushed her way into all the holidays and events, including one wedding my daughter was actually in, as a brides maid. ow wore a see through dress up the aisle behind the bride,(said she was running late, right) and you could see her black thong underwear. my daughter fainted at the altar.

 

time goes by, i stay home and eat my hair trying to keep our kids in their fathers family, cuz it's important. the ex and the ow broke up.

 

my mil starts talking about what a great wife i was. the nephews say they miss my cooking. miss me.

 

things take time. don't give up.

 

no one has the right to say you're out of the family.

Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Miss Clavel]

As far as the op and the wedding goes I haven't heard of a wedding where children are invited in ages. Most times the bride doesn't want kids at her reception so read the invite carefully. are the kids merely invited to the wedding or to both the wedding and the reception? That's how i'd play this.

 

I'd say that i'm coming to the wedding but not the reception. That's the offer i made to my ex. since the wedding is very important to me, the bride, the dresses, seeing the couple take their vows, i'd rather be at the wedding. I don't drink and have no interest in seeing my ex's new wife, or my ex MIL so i would skip the reception.

 

When our oldest graduated. my ex did not bring the ow. he did bring granny and the great uncles. we gave them their tickets, which we secured. making sure my seat was in a different area; afterwards everyone got a picture, congratulations were exchanged and they all left for a celebratory lunch and i went home in a uber.

 

I'm sure the ex went to the hotel and picked up his now wife but it's not my business. i got what i wanted. to see the pomp and circumstance.Make some rules now is my point. there are going to be many milestone events in the future and you want to be part of them.

Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Simple Logic]

If the invitation is open, just tell her the Ex won’t be attending. End of story.

[Trail Blazer]

I think you should be careful how you handle things. If she's posting trash on social media, a restrained response is something to consider. In public relations and politics it's understood that a quick response is necessary to refute slander and false allegations. <snip>

Thanks for your advice. At this stage she isn't that bad. She has never overtly attempted to deny me access. She has, however, undermined me somewhat by stealth. This has, in my opinion, caused some friction between myself and my son. I'm managing though, at least for now.

Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Trail Blazer]

as far as the op and the wedding goes. i haven't heard of a wedding where children are invited in ages. most times the bride doesn't want kids at her reception.<snip>

 

Thanks, but with all due respect I think I'd know if my kids weren't invited to the reception. As a point of interest, the invite does actually state that children aren't invited. This however, doesn't apply to the children of immediate family members.

Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Trail Blazer]

It had been agreed upon that my ex wasn't going to be invited. My 2 kids, my gf and her son along with myself have all been invited. My gf has been a bit anxious about coming as she's never met any of my family before on that side, and I have a massive family in Cali.

 

So anyway, I sent my ex a text yesterday evening informing her that my sister is getting married, and in brackets stating that she may already know, as I was certain she'd have already seen the announcements on social media. Well, as it turns out, not only did she know, but she said to me, "I'll see you there, with the kids."

 

I'm thinking, WTF... so I asked her if she'd been invited (!!!) to which she replied, "no." I was going up to see the kids last night anyway, but I wasn't sure if she'd be around to chat to (my ex's eldest daughter looks after the kids if their mom is at work). So, I'd picked the kids up, the ex told me that "the kids would be more comfortable if I was with them" so she's decided to fly from Portland to San Fransisco and that I can pick the kids up from her hotel on the morning of the wedding, and drop them back after the reception.

 

Is this bizarre, or what? It seems like psycho behavior to me! When I had dinner with the kids (for those who don't know they're 8 and 12), I very gently suggested that we could save mom the hassle and expense and I could just take them. They kind of looked at each other, a little non-committal and then shrugged. I told them not to worry about it.

 

I spoke with my step brother ladt night (his wife and my ex have been close for years) and he also thought it was bizarre and controlling. Turns out, my ex sent his wife a message as soon as I'd told her about the wedding, telling her of her plans. So, the ex had been sitting tight since late last year when news of the wedding had filtered throigh to social media, waiting to make her move as soon as I had offically told her of my plan to take the kids.

 

I know that my ex would have assumed I'd want to take my gf and her son, so I am certain that she's engineered all this because she didn't want to be left out and is angry/jealous that my family might meet and actually really like what amounts to be her replacement.

 

I'm going to talk with my step brother again tonight about all of this. This has caused a few headaches though. I spoke with my girlfriend and she also thinks it's crazy. I am a bit concerned that all of this will be a bit much for her and she'll not want to come now because it seems like a whole lot of drama.

[whichwayisup]

Tell your ex she's not welcome at the wedding and going would be totally inappropriate and to stop using the kids in this way. they will be FINE with you and your gf.

[Woggle]

At the end of the day it is your sister's wedding and she can invite who she wants. Just keep it cold and business like and only speak to your ex if you must.

[Mr. Lucky]

So, the ex had been sitting tight since late last year when news of the wedding had filtered throigh to social media, waiting to make her move as soon as I had offically told her of my plan to take the kids.

 

I know that my ex would have assumed I'd want to take my gf and her son, so I am certain that she's engineered all this because she didn't want to be left out and is angry/jealous that my family might meet and actually really like what amounts to be her replacement.

 

Seems a little over the top, I doubt your ex is a Cheney-like evil genius focused on thwarting your plans.

 

Trail Blazer, isn't the division of your time with the kids defined? I'd make the focus of your time there your sister and the wedding and, at least for now, let the rest of this go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Trail Blazer]

Mr. Lucky, I have the kids every second weekend. I can't hsve them any more than that as I work long hours in the city and my ex lives 50 miles out of town. It's impossible for me to do school pick up and drop offs with no family to help out while the ex has most of her family all living in the small town.

 

Anyway, so it turns out after speaking with my step brother that the whole family feels awkward about my ex flying to San Fransisco only to stay in a hotel. Whilst we don't have the hotels booked yet (wedding isn't until September), I've got no doubt that the ex plans to book in the same hotel as I and my stepbrother (along with his wife and 2 young children) who's driving over from Sacramento. She'll tell me it's to make my life easier when I know the reality is anything but!

 

My stepbrother said that he's not sure how to tell my ex that she's not invited, and was implying that the family line would be that it was "my choice." I got pretty angry and asked him why it is even part of the equation, that the conversation doesn't even have to happen and if the ex finds out that they all wanted to invite her and that I was the one who blocked it, undoubtedly the ex will use that against me to further poison the kids.

 

So, the conversation was a bit heated. My stepbro conceded that there's probably things that have gone on behind the scenes and that this whole charade by the ex is one big destabilizing technique. My step bro said that he'll just say nothing and the rest of the family will just have to respect that it's my decision, I have my reason for this position and that's final.

[Art_Critic]

My stepbro conceded that there's probably things that have gone on behind the scenes and that this whole charade by the ex is one big destabilizing technique.

 

Seems to be working since she isn't causing any drama, it is you causing the drama right now and destabilizing things...

 

I get where you are coming from and you aren't the first person who doesn't what their ex in their territory but IMO it would have been better to just go with the flow and not start anything, as it sits now there are going to be feelings getting hurt whether it is your sisters or ex's and now you are getting heated with your direct family..

 

Honestly I hope this all works out, it seems like it is now a powder keg and if it does go off relationships could be strained over seemly nothing.

[elaine567]

By your own admission, your ex is the one your Cali family have kept in touch with for over a decade, whilst you have never had much of a relationship with them, so of course you are going to be seen as "the bad guy" waltzing into the wedding with your kids and your new gf in tow, playing happy families, whilst your ex, the person your Cali family do know well, and the actual mother of your children, has to stay away on your instruction.

 

I know you want to show off your new life and gf to your family, but excluding your ex from the wedding may be the wrong way to go about it.

Your kids are not stupid, and they will likely see that it is you that is causing the trouble here, your ex need say nothing.

[Trail Blazer]

By your own admission, your ex is the one your Cali family have kept in touch with for over a decade, whilst you have never had much of a relationship with them...

 

Let me clarify my relationship with my family in Cali. I never had much of a relationship with them in a physical sense. My dad left when I was 3, moved back to his home country for a year, then returned and moved to Cali. He remarried, had 3 more kids and we all grew up in different states. It was hard for me to have a relationship with them as a kid. With the advent of social media, I've kept in touch with them. It's not like she spent time keeping in contact with them while I didn't bother.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have my reason for this position and that's final.

 

I'm not sure why you'd post on an advice forum and then dismiss all the input not falling in line with your predetermined position?

 

Many here have suggested a low-key, "pick your spots and this probably isn't one" approach to this family function, which by definition includes the mother of your children.

 

You seem determined to at least partially make this day about you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

My relationship really is on the rocks and I've porbably held on too long because I'm so physically attracted to this woman.

 

^^^Today on your other thread.

Your gf will likely be history by the time of the wedding.

You may not even attend.

So, why are you so determined to cause trouble at your sister's wedding?

[Trail Blazer]

^^^Today on your other thread.

Your gf will likely be history by the time of the wedding.

You may not even attend.

So, why are you so determined to cause trouble at your sister's wedding?

 

This is not a static situation. Things are changing all the time. I didn't want to conflate issues here, but the wedding has contributed to an already srtrained relationship. Being open and honest with her about what has been happening has had a negative affect on her desire ti attend. My gf said she feels like the "other woman" and not really welcome.

 

The reality is that all my family really want to meet her. My stepbro suggested that perhaps it's better if we travel over to Cali to meet the whole family at a later date, when timing isn't so rushed. I won't go into detail here, other than saying that I floated the idea to my gf and she got really upset and said that I'm letting my ex get in my head and affect the way I think.

 

I did mess up on the delivery of that suggestion and I apologized to her later, but noe she won't budge, says she doesn't feel welcome and feels like the other woman. I don't know whether she never really wanted to go in the first place and now it's a convenient excuse to hang it on me as my fault the second I put a foot wrong. Who knows? I know I messed up but I also think she's being a bit of a prima donna.

[whichwayisup]

It's not comfortable to go to a wedding when you don't know anybody and for your gf it's stressful because of that, she's not met anybody yet and meeting for the first time at at wedding is awkward. Also the fact your ex may just show up and cause problems or at best, make problems between the two of you even more than she is now. This drama isn't going to stop and it's not a yes or no about your ex NOT going to the wedding. Seems the family doesn't care either way and they certainly aren't telling the ex to her face not to come to the wedding.

 

How long have you been with your gf? Did you two meet after you and your wife split up or is she part of the reason why your marriage ended? Your kids, do they like your gf or just don't like her due to their mom edging them on against and saying bad things to cause problems?

[Trail Blazer]

How long have you been with your gf? Did you two meet after you and your wife split up or is she part of the reason why your marriage ended? Your kids, do they like your gf or just don't like her due to their mom edging them on against and saying bad things to cause problems?

We have been together for 11 months. We connected online just over 12 months ago. I've been separated for 15 months. My gf has had nothing to do with my previous life. My 8 year old daughter adores my gf. She wants to see her everytime I have them. My son has only met my gf once. He took a long time to warm to the idea of meeting her. It went well, it was a month ago.

[CC12]

the ex told me that "the kids would be more comfortable if I was with them" so she's decided to fly from Portland to San Fransisco and that I can pick the kids up from her hotel on the morning of the wedding, and drop them back after the reception.

 

Is it possible that the kids would be more comfortable if she was there? I know you think she's the devil and all, and while she may be, she also may be acting in the kids' best interests here. Maybe they told her they weren't comfortable with it and she's trying to make the best of the situation while also letting them attend with you. When you asked them, they didn't jump up and say, "Of course, let's save mom the hassle. She doesn't need to be there at all!" They didn't say much.

 

They're probably not going to tell you straight up that they're not all that comfortable with the situation. It's a lot for an 8 and a 12 year old to travel with new people, sharing a hotel room and spending entire days at a time with them. They probably don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by saying, "This is weird for us."

 

And maybe it's weird for your ex, too. I'm sure you could understand that. If she started dating someone and wanted to take your kids on a trip with the new boyfriend (who you haven't met) and his kids, you might have some feelings about it. Not that either of you could or should try to stop the other from moving on with new partners, but maybe you could have a little compassion for her position as their mom.

 

I actually don't see her trying to ruin your trip or sneak her way into this at all, at the moment. She hasn't asked for an invite, or assumed she'd be invited, or even just decided to show up without one. She didn't just say no, the kids can't go. You seem extremely distrustful and suspicious of her, bordering on paranoia. You're blowing everything out of proportion. You've been the one causing a bunch of drama with your family. (I'm not even sure I understand why you and your stepbrother are arguing over this. Or even why your girlfriend is feeling weird about it, since your ex hasn't even done anything crazy yet.)

 

Now, maybe she will turn out to be the evil witch you think she is and are expecting her to be, but wait for it to happen. Give her the benefit of the doubt for now. From here, it seems like you're the one who is being unreasonable and dramatic.