Wife texting another married man?

[Disgruntledhubby]

Hi all,

 

I was wondering if I post my situation that I could get some advice,

 

So my wife has been texting this married guy(a guy known for cheating) for nearly 1 year now, I didn’t mind at first as I trusted my wife but he would text her most weekends and she would be sneaky about and never said she was texting him,

 

Then one night she got up during the night to go text him in another room,this is when I started getting real paranoid,I asked her who she was texting and she said our son,I checked and wasn’t active all night,she lied.

 

I confronted her and she denied it, the next day my mind was racing,I’ve done something I’ve never done,I checked her phone and found out it was this guy(this was my first time knowing who she’d been texting for months), she deleted their chat from the previous night but there was a msg from him apologizing for last night.

 

I told her that I’d checked her phone, and I knew who she’s been texting, she said it’s nothing like you think they are only friends,I asked her to stop texting him and to block him,she said she can’t block him and that she only texts him bk as she doesn’t want to be rude,

 

After this night I got into a habit of checking when she was active late on weekend night,pathetic I know but my head was all over the place.

 

Anyway so he was still texting her and she was responding,it was happening most weekends, I could tell as she would be hiding the phone,and acting all suspicious, she done it right in front of me and I could clearly see who she was texting but she lied and denied it, I told her I could see it was him and she then admitted she was only texting him back,it was the first time in ages and it won’t happen again.

 

I told her this was messing with my head, I was feeling so paranoid and I needed her to stop

 

Anyway last night, it all came to a head, she was texting him again last weekend,and this weekend and I’m pretty sure the weekend before too, I lost it and done something I’d never thought I’d do,I text him asking why he was always texting my wife, in fairness he admitted it straight away,said it was harmless fun and they were only friends,he could see that it wasn’t right and he would stop.

 

I now know that it was only just a friendship, my wife can’t believe I let it get this far and is disgusted with me.

 

To be honest I’m pretty disgusted with myself,the checking her phone,checking up on her to see if she’s active and then texting him are completely out of character for me,

 

I need to know to other people get this paranoid and was I right to be a little paranoid?

 

My wife thinks I should have trusted her, my argument was the fact she kept lying made that very hard,as it turns out I should trusted her and feel like an absolute fool now.

 

Cheers

Edited February 11, 2019 by Disgruntledhubby

[S2B]

NO, don’t you dare allow her to make you feel silly checking on her!

 

If she wasn’t acting so shady - you wouldn’t be suspicious!

 

And she has now chosen to communicate with him (which she knew was hurting your feelings). She chose that over your marriage!

 

Check her phone bill! Get copies of her text conversations!

 

When people have nothing to hide - they hide nothing! She’s cheating. Dig further.

 

Read “Not Just Friends”

 

This is a completely inappropriate relationship that’s violating your trust and harming the marriage.

 

If she’s not willing to be honest and transparent you may want to end the marriage - as she’s choosing him over you.

 

Does she work? Do you have kids? How long married and where did she meet him?

 

I see he’s married - tell his wife. Expose the inappropriate contact so you have someone else helping you keep an eye on what’s happening.

 

 

Assume they’ve had sex - she at least wants to - but don’t be surprised if she has already had sex with him.

 

Your wife is acting like a jerk to you - treat her appropriately instead of taking the blame that should be on her!

 

Stop bowing down to her treating you so poorly!

Edited February 11, 2019 by S2B

[Disgruntledhubby]

Hey S2B,

 

We are married 6 years, together for nearly 13 and we have 4 kids.

 

She works, she knows him from growing up in the same town,they were never together.

 

I 100% know they are not having an affair and that they are actually just friends,

 

She said she lied as she knew I would get all paranoid and she admits she shouldn’t have lied.

 

I don’t want to go down the route of checking up on her or informing anybody else, I really just want to stop being paranoid.

 

My whole argument(while I not condone my behavior) is that all the lies lead me to not trusting her,

 

Regards

[PegNosePete]

I 100% know they are not having an affair and that they are actually just friends

How do you know that? Do you know that almost every single person who comes to these forums says the same? And in every case, they are wrong, there is an affair going on. Because the feeling that leads people to your situation (which you call paranoia, some call it gut feeling, I call it instinct) is there for a reason. It almost always turns out to be correct.

 

As S2B said: if there is nothing to hide, why is she hiding it, and lying, and deleting chats? She LIES to your face, but you believe that she is not cheating? My friend, I have a bridge to sell you!

 

It is not paranoia when there really is something going on. It is instinct, your gut feeling, your self protection mechanism. You should listen to this feeling because it is telling you that something is not right. And your wife is trying to make you think it's all in your head. Don't believe her!

 

Here is what you need to do. Lay low for a while. Like 2 weeks maybe. Tell her you're sorry and paranoid due to stress from work or some such excuse and you just want to forget about all this and go back to normal. Make her think you've forgotten about it entirely. Don't make any comments when she is texting or taking her phone to the bathroom or doing any other highly dodgy stuff that she's been doing. If she thinks you've forgotten about it then she will drop her guard and maybe stop being so careful, and stop deleting the chats. So in 2 weeks or so, after she's been on the phone with him, check her phone. I am sure you will find something.

 

Alternatively you could try to get the deleted text message contents from the phone provider. Although that will not work if they are using whatsapp or another such encrypted app. If they use actual SMS text messages and you have access to the bills, this is a good option.

 

Another option is to attach a voice-activated recorder by velcro under her car seat. People who are in affairs love to talk in the car.

[Disgruntledhubby]

I know this sounds crazy but I just know, she tells me the texts are completely innocent,she showed me a few before and they were, also I just know in my gut,I could tell when she was lying about the texts and I just know she’s telling the truth in this instance.

 

I’m certain there is no affair,call me a fool but it’s wierd but I just know.

 

I guess what I’m trying to ask is, am I wrong for checking up on her and for texting him?

 

Because I feel awful for doing it.

[PegNosePete]

I know this sounds crazy but I just know, she tells me the texts are completely innocent

You're right, it sounds crazy. You should not believe her because as you've said, SHE LIES.

 

she showed me a few before and they were

Well as you also said in your original post, she has a history of deleting texts. So she showed you the "cleaned up" version. What do the deleted ones say? The ones that she didn't want you to see?

 

I guess what I’m trying to ask is, am I wrong for checking up on her and for texting him?

No you are not wrong. There is definitely something going on here and you need to find out what it is. Your wife lies to you, so the only way you can find out what's going on, is self help.

 

Or you can just carry on being in denial. Up to you...

[standtall]

 

I’m certain there is no affair,call me a fool but it’s wierd but I just know.

 

.

 

No you don't. She is lying to you repeatedly in regards to this guy and you feel guilty...why? I would be digging more, because here are the scenarios, and none of them are good.

 

1. She is already in a PA and EA with this "friend"

2. She getting deeper and deeper into and EA with this "friend", and it will soon be a PA.

3. She doesn't respect you enough that she will not stop here secret relationship with him. Flip it around...if she requested that you do the same with a female friend, would you do it? I know I would...heck, I would never be secretly texting another woman to begin with out of respect for my wife PERIOD.

 

This is your wake up call Jack.

[giotto]

she wouldn't lie and hide and/or delete message if she didn't have anything to hide... it's also disrespectful towards you... "she got up during the night to go text him in another room"? Man... what more do you want?

[Disgruntledhubby]

I agree with what you guys are telling me and the lying is what messed with my head, I think going by the responses so far, my paranoia was warranted.

[BaileyB]

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

I don’t think you are wrong for asking her to stop. It’s quite disrespectful of her to be texting another man on the weekends, during what should be family time.

[FMW]

Of course your paranoia was warranted. Her being "disgusted" with you is unbelievably offensive. She lied, she acted shady. Because she knew she was doing something wrong.

 

I don't believe they are just friends, not for a second.

[elaine567]

Women can be just friends with guys and can be surprised when the guy makes a move..

BUT here we have a married guy known for cheating and your wife acting all suspicious (who gets up in the middle of the night to go to another room to text a "friend"?), so whilst I may not bet my house on this being a fully fledged affair, I would certainly not bet any money on there being nothing going on either.

Lay low, eyes and ears open, get a PI if you can afford one.

Say nothing, let them assume you are happy, they will make a mistake...

[Disgruntledhubby]

Wow, I was completely expecting to backlashed for checking her phone/checking online status and texting the guy but instead it’s been the opposite, certainly has me looking at this in a different light.

[elaine567]

Wow, I was completely expecting to backlashed for checking her phone/checking online status and texting the guy but instead it’s been the opposite, certainly has me looking at this in a different light.

 

 

Checking phones obsessively for no good reason is not good, but when there is valid suspicion, then putting your head in the sand is no good either.

You did this to protect yourself in light of your wife acting shady. There is nothing wrong with that, you would have been stupid to ignore it.

 

First line in the cheater's handbook is deny deny deny so evidence is always required.

[Disgruntledhubby]

I only checked her phone once after the night she snuck out of the room to text,

Since they might I have been checking her active status at night st the weekends out of paranoia.

[PegNosePete]

When it comes to the invasion of privacy issue, the end justifies the means.

 

You have a right to know what is going on in your marriage, and your wife sure ain't gonna tell you, so you should use any and all tools you have at your disposal in order to get the truth.

 

They are using technology against you, texting and selectively deleting messages to make you think you're being paranoid. Now you have tipped them off that you're suspicious, they will be extra careful for a while. You can either go full undercover detective, or pretend to forget about it and wait for them to let their guard down. But if you rug sweep this, you will regret it!

[kgcolonel]

on an additional point....the texts that you saw and let's assume the texts up to now have all been harmless...this is very likely a grooming process where it begins innocently but moves to the "not so innocent" phase. You mentioned in your original post that he is known for cheating....best beware...he's got a pattern.

[The Dude Abides]

DH

 

If it helps, I will be one more person here at LS who tells you that NO you're not being paranoid and YES this isn't appropriate behavior.

 

Men and women can and should be friends outside the bounds of marriage. In no way does getting married mean you're cut off forever from all contact with the opposite sex. What marriage means however is that this contact can and should be done in an appropriate manner. Texting furtively in the middle of the night, by the most lenient interpretation of "appropriate", isn't appropriate !

 

I've mentioned before here at LS that my way of keeping things on the up-and-up with females (whom we know as neighbors, from church, from work, parents of our children's friends) is to #1 mention to Mrs. Dude that I was talking to so-and-so about such-and-such and #2 include the mention of Mrs. Dude in conversations or texts with females with whom I interact . IOW, I talk to other women as if we (Mrs Dude and I) are a pair, and I rarely talk as "I".

 

I know my method of doing things isn't for everyone, and it might be a bit extreme, but it darn sure keeps things out in the open and as far as I know, Mrs. Dude has never had to worry for one second about whether I have ever done something that would cause her pain.

 

Maybe you can get your wife to see this point of view and consider that she should adjust her way of doing things so it doesn't cause you emotional pain.

[hippychick3]

Dude, she is totally having at LEAST an emotional affair. Please stop being naive. The texting history was deleted for a reason. She is cheating on you, and you have every reason to be livid.

[PegNosePete]

this is very likely a grooming process where it begins innocently but moves to the "not so innocent" phase.

Yes, that's a very good point. The problem is, she's lying and deleting messages so it has very much moved to the "not so innocent" stage already.

 

Maybe you can get your wife to see this point of view and consider that she should adjust her way of doing things so it doesn't cause you emotional pain.

Good idea in many circumstances. But in this case it's gone way beyond that already. The softly softly approach will simply remind his wife that he has his eye on her, that she must be more careful, hide her interactions better, and delete her text history more often. She will take it totally underground, which is the worst thing possible for the OP.

[The Dude Abides]

 

 

Good idea in many circumstances. But in this case it's gone way beyond that already. The softly softly approach will simply remind his wife that he has his eye on her, that she must be more careful, hide her interactions better, and delete her text history more often. She will take it totally underground, which is the worst thing possible for the OP.

 

 

Good morning Pete

 

Yes, you're right. I should have clarified that I meant that as a new "standard practice" in the future, but definitely NOT continuing on with this current snake in the grass she is carrying on with on the sly.

[mattynice]

While it sounds like it wasn't a PA it certainly was a EA even if she really didn't think of it that way. The deleting texts and lying to spare your feelings is a classic rationalization. The fact that the texts weren't explicit doesn't make them less flirtatious. Asking someone about their day or filling them in on weekend plans on the surface isn't. But in this context, it certainly is. It's building a relationship that wasn't there. The return texting because of "not wanting to be rude" is also a weak rationalization.

 

She liked the attention. I get it, who doesn't like positive attention. The problem is not acknowledging the harm it was causing. She didn't care about your feelings because she didn't see your feelings on this issue as valid. You were being petty and trying to stop her innocent fun.

But you are in the right. As soon as deception starts, nothing good is there.

[Mrs._December]

To be honest I’m pretty disgusted with myself...

You SHOULD be, but not for the cowardly reasons you claim to be.

 

Instead, you should be disgusted by your inability to stop being a welcome mat she wipes her feet on every single day. The woman continually disrespects you and you sit there asking nicely for her to stop and then when she basically tells you to **** off and die, you wonder if you went too far.

 

Seriously????

 

You need to start taking control and stop being so weak-willed. I don't know one single woman who respects a passive, wimpy man she can control. Not ONE.

[S2B]

Since she has been acting shady and untrusting - every single thing she does should be to rebuild the trust she has ruined.

 

Stop taking the blame for HER sh_tty behavior. She is mean and cruel for trying to turn this on you!

 

 

Check the phone bill to see how much she has been texting him.

 

 

And read that book. If it’s not an affair it was well on the way emotionally.

Edited February 11, 2019 by S2B

[Crazelnut]

WAKE UP! Your wife is engaged in an Emotional Affair (EA). She lied to you. HE lied to you. (Did you really believe him when he said they were "just friends"??) You are being way too naive. You were entirely justified in snooping, and you need to keep your mouth shut and eyes/ears open. You will find that they are still in contact.

 

I'll bet you money it also turned physical. You can NOT assume it didn't. Read through the Infidelity section; it's full of stories just like yours that turned out to be PAs.