Mr. Lucky Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 I only checked her phone once after the night she snuck out of the room to text, Since they might I have been checking her active status at night st the weekends out of paranoia. You're also overlooking the multitude of other ways affair partners can communicate - pay-as-you-go "burner" phones, FB Messenger, apps, etc. People lie to protect those things important to them. And you've just been given a reading of his importance relative to yours... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 If it were just friends those texts wouldn’t be deleted right? So get transcripts of those friendly texts from the phone company and find out exactly why she needed to hide the texts from you! Stop being so weak! SHE should be apologizing! And if she’s not then she should be required to pack a bag and leave within ten minutes! No consequences for inappropriate marital behavior means she will continue contact with him - betraying you and the marriage even further. Sit her down and explain to her that you are going any further with her if she intends to betray you in the marriage. Listen while she either commits to never acting this way again or chooses the other man to continue with. If she insists on continuing then make her pack a bag and go. Do NOT beg or plead for her to stay while she’s carrying on an inappropriate affair (“friendship?”) with another man!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Wake up bud. Sending prayers for you to see this as it is. I get it, its hard, you think up excuses for them and cling to such obvious lies. Wake up and work to free yourself from her ongoing infidelity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 They are not just friends, OP. You know it, she knows it, and her married crush definitely knows it. You would be incredibly foolish to take a known cheater's word for it and to believe he is going to now knock it off. He fed you lines he knew you'd want to hear, and you bought it. Hook, line, sinker. He knew exactly what to say to get you to back off your wife, and it worked like a charm. He wants in her pants and this ain't his first rodeo. He knows how to put a suspicious husband in his place. Wake up, my guy. You are being played for a fool by both of them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 As a known cheater he probably groomed her, but she may have sought him out. Finding people to cheat with can be difficult and scary (fear of being found out), so approaching a guy who has cheated before is probably a pretty safe bet... Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Cut the crap and tell her you are filling for a divorce and do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 She prioritized him over you - andevenleft the bed with you to prioritize HIM! You think he’s gonna be honest with you? No, he’s not! She’s not gonna be honest either - she would rather blame YOU. That’s just cruel of her! Stop going along with their lies! Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 You are very naive and your wife is at the very least engaging in an emotional affair. Your actions are very doormattish. You have another man in your life and marriage. You should wake up now. Do a deleted text message recovery on her phone. I suspect you'll find what everyone is telling you there. At this time your wife controls you because you are extremely weak. You will get more of what you've gotten. We're just friends is the biggest lie told 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FerDeLance Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 It seems that the opinion of the responders here is unanimous, you have the right to check as the husband. This are little crumbs, that will become bigger, so it is right to nip it in the bud. A strong marriage is built on trust but if one is texting, even on weekends and night and for a year, and then lying about it, it is bound to lead into something. Do yourself a favor, read the book “Boundaries in Marriage,” by Henry Cloud and be aware of the dangers of these types of activities. Openness is one of the foundations of trust and lying is the opposite. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Wow, I was completely expecting to backlashed for checking her phone/checking online status and texting the guy but instead it’s been the opposite, certainly has me looking at this in a different light. Disgruntledhubby, the point here isn't that she's having an inappropriate emotional (at least) relationship with him. That happens, spouses get sucked into the connection and lose sight of the boundaries a healthy marriage requires. Here's the real takeaway - when asked to stop and cut the ties to this "friend", she either couldn't or wouldn't. Have you asked yourself "why is that"? It has nothing to so with politeness, text etiquette or any other excuse she gave you. His feelings are obviously more important to her than yours, which is a pretty solid piece of intel. The longer you stay in denial, the worse this will be... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sparta Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 (edited) It still amazes me that there are men out there like this oh my God.! She absolutely has no respect for him and I get why I really do the cheating there’s no excuse but her having no respect for Her husband I get it women respond to strength they despise weakness.! And he’s done nothing in her eyes what a man should do when the marriage is under attack. Honestly women test us And he’s done nothing but failed The test and is showing complete Beta traits women run. Edited February 12, 2019 by Sparta 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Sometimes it just takes awhile for the shock to subside when they truly trusted them and were blindsided. Like if your truck said it had all wheel drive, and the salesman did, but the button turned out to just be glued on the dash... (silly analogy, but) it can take awhile to really believe you been duped about something so boldly. Link to post Share on other sites
40somethingGuy Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Hi all, I was wondering if I post my situation that I could get some advice, So my wife has been texting this married guy(a guy known for cheating) for nearly 1 year now, I didn’t mind at first as I trusted my wife but he would text her most weekends and she would be sneaky about and never said she was texting him, Then one night she got up during the night to go text him in another room,this is when I started getting real paranoid,I asked her who she was texting and she said our son,I checked and wasn’t active all night,she lied. I confronted her and she denied it, the next day my mind was racing,I’ve done something I’ve never done,I checked her phone and found out it was this guy(this was my first time knowing who she’d been texting for months), she deleted their chat from the previous night but there was a msg from him apologizing for last night. I told her that I’d checked her phone, and I knew who she’s been texting, she said it’s nothing like you think they are only friends,I asked her to stop texting him and to block him,she said she can’t block him and that she only texts him bk as she doesn’t want to be rude, After this night I got into a habit of checking when she was active late on weekend night,pathetic I know but my head was all over the place. Anyway so he was still texting her and she was responding,it was happening most weekends, I could tell as she would be hiding the phone,and acting all suspicious, she done it right in front of me and I could clearly see who she was texting but she lied and denied it, I told her I could see it was him and she then admitted she was only texting him back,it was the first time in ages and it won’t happen again. I told her this was messing with my head, I was feeling so paranoid and I needed her to stop Anyway last night, it all came to a head, she was texting him again last weekend,and this weekend and I’m pretty sure the weekend before too, I lost it and done something I’d never thought I’d do,I text him asking why he was always texting my wife, in fairness he admitted it straight away,said it was harmless fun and they were only friends,he could see that it wasn’t right and he would stop. I now know that it was only just a friendship, my wife can’t believe I let it get this far and is disgusted with me. To be honest I’m pretty disgusted with myself,the checking her phone,checking up on her to see if she’s active and then texting him are completely out of character for me, I need to know to other people get this paranoid and was I right to be a little paranoid? My wife thinks I should have trusted her, my argument was the fact she kept lying made that very hard,as it turns out I should trusted her and feel like an absolute fool now. Cheers Holy cow you are weak. That is why she is cheating on you. You feel disgusted for following up on her lying and EA? She lied and got caught so she knows you're spineless and puts it on you? She said you should have trusted her despite the lying? First of all, you let it happen in the 1st place. There is no good reason married people need to text constantly especially at odd times. However, you showed all your cards and she will take it underground. Of course they are 'only friends' they just left out the 'with benefits' part. Good God, I hate to be so blunt but find your balls and backbone and look into divorce. You are letting yourself be a complete doormat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 I agree with what you guys are telling me and the lying is what messed with my head, I think going by the responses so far, my paranoia was warranted. What are you planning to do to change this situation with your cheating wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Disgruntledhubby Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 Thanks for advice everybody, looks like it’s over. Just to point out the reason I’ve been a pushover if you will,is because we have 4 kids, I knew the enevitable outcome was a life separate from them and that breaks my heart more than anything. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Thanks for advice everybody, looks like it’s over. Just to point out the reason I’ve been a pushover if you will,is because we have 4 kids, I knew the enevitable outcome was a life separate from them and that breaks my heart more than anything. Over? Did you have a proper discussion with your wife? I understand wanting peace... I have kids too! And I couldn't leave when they were small... but my wife never cheated on me... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Thanks for advice everybody, looks like it’s over. Just to point out the reason I’ve been a pushover if you will,is because we have 4 kids, I knew the enevitable outcome was a life separate from them and that breaks my heart more than anything. Is it over because you have come to that conclusion, or has she told you it is over? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 I knew the enevitable outcome was a life separate from them No, it's really not. You need to see a lawyer. Mothers do not automatically get custody. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Disgruntledhubby Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 She has realized she is in the wrong, she didn’t cheat with him but she lied about still texting him,she said she liked the attention. I told her I do not trust her anymore and I cannot be with someone I don’t trust, At the minute we are trying figure out how we do this while causing the least amount of impact to our kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Disgruntledhubby Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 Just to point out, she is an unbelievable mother to our kids, I would never take them away from her as it would do more damage to them. I’m not sure how this is going to play out but I’ll post up what happens in a week or so when I know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
40somethingGuy Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 She has realized she is in the wrong, she didn’t cheat with him but she lied about still texting him,she said she liked the attention. I told her I do not trust her anymore and I cannot be with someone I don’t trust, At the minute we are trying figure out how we do this while causing the least amount of impact to our kids. She did cheat with him. It many not have YET gone physical but for sure emotional which is actually just as bad. He dominates her heart and mind, not you. I hope the kids eventually find out mom ruined the family since they may harbor anger toward you for filing for divorce. And I know it is hard when kids you love so much are caught in the middle and you are balancing what has to happen vs. protecting them. But think of it this way- you don't want to model an unloving marriage to them. That will screw them up too. This is all on your wife and please don't ever feel disgusted for looking into her activities (going thru phone) to figure out what you are married to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 She has realized she is in the wrong, she didn’t cheat with him but she lied about still texting him,she said she liked the attention. Did this admission by her include agreement she'll end the relationship with him and indicate any willingness to fight for your marriage? If not Disgruntledhubby, think you've only seen the tip of the iceberg... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Disgruntledhubby Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 She said she would never text him again, she said she thought it was all harmless, But sees now it was wrong, I’ll log back in a few weeks and fill you guys in. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 If she can't do it in front of you then she shouldn't be doing it. She is choosing to protect the other man over you. She knows what she is doing is wrong, that's why she's hiding it from you. She knows he's a player, she knows being found out will hurt you, yet it's not enough to stop her. Distance isn't a barrier for long when it comes to infidelity, just read some of the thousands of threads on this site. What she doesn't get is she investing whats yours into another man, another man with a proven record of conquests. You can't be in a marriage part time if you want it to succeed. Your 100% all in or your not. If reconciliation is on the table then independent counselling should be a requirement for another chance at saving the marriage. She needs to find out why she needs validation from other men, why your validation isn't enough for her. If she values a "friendship" over her marriage then she has little value in your relationship, deal with her accordingly. Her sneaking around and keeping secrets from you has put both of you in this terrible position. She needs to take the lead to fix this. Link to post Share on other sites
El Duendecillo Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 She said she would never text him again, she said she thought it was all harmless, But sees now it was wrong, I’ll log back in a few weeks and fill you guys in. Did she think her lying was also harmless? If it was truly harmless, why did she feel the need to lie about continuing to talk to this guy? Does this guy live in the same town as you and your wife? I'm with the others here, that suspect there may be lots more that you have not yet discovered about the true extent of their "friendship". Link to post Share on other sites
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