Wife texting another married man?

[Marc878]

Inform other mansion wife without warning.

 

Get out of your doormat state. Take control

 

It's not your job yo help hide their affair

 

Why wait to see if she wants to keep you as her plan B?

[Marc878]

She has realized she is in the wrong, she didn’t cheat with him but she lied about still texting him,she said she liked the attention.

 

I told her I do not trust her anymore and I cannot be with someone I don’t trust,

 

At the minute we are trying figure out how we do this while causing the least amount of impact to our kids.

 

Its at least an emotional affair and she didn't cheat?

[PegNosePete]

She knew it was harmful! She wouldn’t have been lying about it and hiding it from you if she had no idea!

Exactly. She now sees it was wrong? BS. She knew it was wrong before, that is why she deleted so much of their texts and lied about it. If she didn't know it was wrong when why would she do that?

 

By believing these obvious lies, you're just letting her off the hook with no consequences. So she says she won't contact her again. I bet you a choc ice she's still going to, but now she'll be more careful and it'll be much more difficult to uncover. You've really shot yourself in the foot here.

 

What don't you ask how she would feel if the roles were reversed? I bet that she would not think it was harmless.

This kind of thing is better left as a thought experiment. Actually asking her how she would feel if the roles were reversed is counter-productive because she will just say "it would be fine with me because I trust you". It would totally undermine the OP's position. You KNOW in your head that she would not be on here making posts; she would be packing your bags!!!

[ExpatInItaly]

Just to point out, she is an unbelievable mother to our kids, I would never take them away from her as it would do more damage to them.

 

You might want to re-think that.

 

I am sure she is loving to them and that she loves them and would not overtly do anything to hurt them - but in my mind, an unbelievable mother doesn't do things that she knows could blow up her family. Cheating can and often does destroy families; ask the children of broken homes caused by infidelity. A great mom doesn't choose to engage in behavior that could jeopardize the security and stability children depend on within home environment and family unit. By cheating, she is also taking a significant risk with the familiar, comfortable and happy family life your kids have to come to rely on; by hurting their dad and disrupting the peace and harmony at home, she is not being such a stellar mom. I have no doubt she has been a great mother and has the ability to get there again, but at this time, I would argue she is not thinking of the kids first and foremost.

 

It always bewilders me when cheating parents are too obtuse not to realize the emotional harm they are indirectly exposing their children to. A cheating parent is, in my books, a selfish parent.

Edited February 14, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[standtall]

You might want to re-think that.

 

I am sure she is loving to them and that she loves them and would not overtly do anything to hurt them - but in my mind, an unbelievable mother doesn't do things that she knows could blow up her family. Cheating can and often does destroy families; ask the children of broken homes caused by infidelity. A great mom doesn't choose to engage in behavior that could jeopardize the security and stability children depend on within home environment and family unit. By cheating, she is also taking a significant risk with the familiar, comfortable and happy family life your kids have to come to rely on; by hurting their dad and disrupting the peace and harmony at home, she is not being such a stellar mom. I have no doubt she has been a great mother and has the ability to get there again, but at this time, I would argue she is not thinking of the kids first and foremost.

 

It always bewilders me when cheating parents are too obtuse not to realize the emotional harm they are indirectly exposing their children to. A cheating parent is, in my books, a selfish parent.

 

There are so many things here that are off. So, by lying to a spouse, they are a bad mother? That is connecting a lot of dots that aren't there. Also,kids are not supposed to be first and foremost in any marriage....IMHO, that is why half of them break down...when a spouse puts their children in front of their other halves. i think you need to rethink some things, and not question her parenting when the OP says there isn't a problem. Trying to fan the flames?

[Chaparral]

There are so many things here that are off. So, by lying to a spouse, they are a bad mother? That is connecting a lot of dots that aren't there. Also,kids are not supposed to be first and foremost in any marriage....IMHO, that is why half of them break down...when a spouse puts their children in front of their other halves. i think you need to rethink some things, and not question her parenting when the OP says there isn't a problem. Trying to fan the flames?

 

When a mother cheats on her husband, eighty five percent of the marriages end in divorce. By contrast, if a father cheats, sixty five percent of the marriages end in divorce. This has been going on a yard with a notorious womanizer. They live fairly close. The odds it has been physical are astronomical. She knows what she is doing will harm her marriage and family if caught. She is not a good mother. She is even worse than a bad mother. That’s yet the way I see it. Your mileage may vary.

Can this be saved? It depends on her. Anyone taking bets?

[loversquarrel]

There are so many things here that are off. So, by lying to a spouse, they are a bad mother? That is connecting a lot of dots that aren't there. Also,kids are not supposed to be first and foremost in any marriage....IMHO, that is why half of them break down...when a spouse puts their children in front of their other halves. i think you need to rethink some things, and not question her parenting when the OP says there isn't a problem. Trying to fan the flames?

 

Ultimately yes, lying to a spouse about a potential affair and sneaking around is poor behavior and poor character. It shows children that it's OK to undermine and disrespect important relationships, and that it's OK to disrespect the other parent, especially when older children are involved.

[standtall]

Ultimately yes, lying to a spouse about a potential affair and sneaking around is poor behavior and poor character. It shows children that it's OK to undermine and disrespect important relationships, and that it's OK to disrespect the other parent, especially when older children are involved.

 

It is not the children's...depending on their age....business as to why parents get divorced. For example, automatically notifying 10 yr olds that mom or dad has cheated is not in their best interest...end of story. If they are 35, then that is different. The spouses...in their rage to humiliate their spouse that cheated who drag minor children into the situation rapidly become the worst parent.....IMHO.

 

BTW, I am not the OM, BS, cheating husband,....any of that. I am 23 yr married parent [of some minor and some adult children] who has seen this with other couples that have isolated their minor children from adult situations, and ones that have dragged them into it. The ones that drag their children into it and engage in parental alienation damage them much more than a divorce where the children find out about the cheating years later as adults when they are better emotionally equipped to handle the fact that their parents are not perfect. So, I disagree with the conclusion that just because one has cheated does not automatically make one a bad parent, and anyone suggesting that to this particular poster is merely fanning the flames of this man's anger to the detriment of his children.

Edited February 15, 2019 by standtall

[PegNosePete]

So, by lying to a spouse, they are a bad mother?

By cheating she is putting her marriage at risk, which means she is risking blowing up the family unit, which has a detrimental effect on the kids. Not many dots joined up, just simple cause and effect.

 

Does that make her a "bad mother"? Not necessarily, there's no such thing as a 100% good mother or a 100% bad mother. Good mothers do bad things sometimes, and bad mothers do good things. In this case, she's done something bad. Whether that un-does all her "good mother" traits is unknown to us. But certainly, cheating is a "bad mother" trait.

[standtall]

By cheating she is putting her marriage at risk, which means she is risking blowing up the family unit, which has a detrimental effect on the kids. Not many dots joined up, just simple cause and effect.

 

Does that make her a "bad mother"? Not necessarily, there's no such thing as a 100% good mother or a 100% bad mother. Good mothers do bad things sometimes, and bad mothers do good things. In this case, she's done something bad. Whether that un-does all her "good mother" traits is unknown to us. But certainly, cheating is a "bad mother" trait.

 

That is not what I said. I didn't say it wasn't a bad parent trait, I said it did not automatically make one a bad mother. You created a straw man argument. Besides, by your connecting of the dots, any self destructive behavior that we all engage in at times makes one have bad parent traits.....certainly not the same thing. "These are not the droids are looking for", does not work here.

[loversquarrel]

It is not the children's...depending on their age....business as to why parents get divorced. For example, automatically notifying 10 yr olds that mom or dad has cheated is not in their best interest...end of story. If they are 35, then that is different. The spouses...in their rage to humiliate their spouse that cheated who drag minor children into the situation rapidly become the worst parent.....IMHO.

 

BTW, I am not the OM, BS, cheating husband,....any of that. I am 23 yr married parent [of some minor and some adult children] who has seen this with other couples that have isolated their minor children from adult situations, and ones that have dragged them into it. The ones that drag their children into it and engage in parental alienation damage them much more than a divorce where the children find out about the cheating years later as adults when they are better emotionally equipped to handle the fact that their parents are not perfect. So, I disagree with the conclusion that just because one has cheated does not automatically make one a bad parent, and anyone suggesting that to this particular poster is merely fanning the flames of this man's anger to the detriment of his children.

 

Yes, it is your opinion just as it is mine. Infidelity is a type of abuse and just like other types of abuse is damaging, and not just to the one who is directly inflicted. Children become a secondary victim, a kind of collateral damage. One doesn't have to explain to children what happened for them to see and feel that something has happened. Then the consequences that soon follow (divorce?) also take their toll.

 

A good parent seeks to protect their children from any and all types of pain, especially that which is unnecessary. A good parent seeks to work on issues in a marriage before placing it in jeopardy (this goes for both parents, not just one) before selfishly destroying what could potentially be repaired. Does infidelity automatically make a person a bad parent? Maybe not, but it certainly makes them less of a good one.

[standtall]

Yes, it is your opinion just as it is mine. Infidelity is a type of abuse and just like other types of abuse is damaging, and not just to the one who is directly inflicted.

 

Oh that's a stretch. The "I'm a victim mentality" LOL!

[loversquarrel]

Oh that's a stretch. The "I'm a victim mentality" LOL!

 

What victim mentality?

[Adotta]

So what you guys are heading towards divorce? You were somewhat vague.

 

 

 

If you are believing her this is over and that she has stopped texting.... there is a huge likelihood it hasn't stopped but simply been pushed underground by your ineffectual flailing.

 

 

If I were you to even think about staying with her I would surprise her one night with a demand she hand over the phone. If she bucks your demand. Divorce. No seedling. Make sure she understands.

 

 

 

When she hands it over run a recovery software on it. Phone lab seems to be the recommended one. That way you get to see all of thier texts and see what was actually said. You simply can't take her words on this. She has already shown herself a liar and someone who will destroy evidence.

 

 

 

Buddy let me be honest. You sound very have and simply to honest and good natured for your own good. You need to plan for the worst hope for the best. Trust but verify. stop believing everything she says and stop being so God damn easy to manipulate.

 

 

 

I understand you seem to have put your foot down. But you can't simply say things. You need to see thier texts. Recover them with the program I recommended. Once you know for sure the communications were harmless..... let us all be honest they are anything but harmeless...... then and only then can you move forward. You don't even know what you are forgiving at this point. You are simply taking her word for it.

 

 

 

Naive.

 

 

 

Women don't respect naive.

 

 

 

Also check out the books no more Mr. Nice guy and married man's sex life primer. These two books seem to be a God send for nice guy hubbies like you.

[Hotmess12]

Take it from someone who was in your wife's position. It's bad. I did the same thing. I was hiding the messages. Deleting them. Changing passwords. Him telling you its nothing doesnt mean its nothing. Hes also married, which means hes got alot to risk if hes honest. The guy inwas with was also married. We would never call eachother out ever. I have since ended it. It can be very easy to get away with cheating. You demand she block him or threaten to leave. That's what my husband did and I did just as he asked.