He broke up with me and left me heartbroken

[imheretoday]

Me and this guy dated for 3 months. It was a very intense romance right from the start, the kind of "cant-live-without-you type of thing. We even discussed moving in together and said I love you to each other. So after the first month and the "honeymoon" phase, and as we were starting to go deeper in getting to know each other, we started to have a few misunderstandings and conflicts, and he said to me he was questioning the relationship.

 

We decided to continue and try to solve the things that were arising, but he was always avoiding conflict and would go into withdrawal and panic mode if something is not right. So instead of staying and solving, he would just rush out the door. He would bottle up things he wasn't happy just for the sake of maintaining an aparent peace, and would say I bring problems when I voice something I don't like or want. There was never angry arguments between us anyway, or shouting or anything like that, he would just turn his back and off he goes. He said to me he avoids confrontations.

 

So last week I noticed he was distant the whole week and I kinda was expecting the worst. But still, he wouldn't open up or say anything. So then there was this thing I told him I don't agree with him, and he basically got super furious, stormed out of bed, looked like a tsunami getting all his stuff from my house and stormed out the door, saying he can't take anymore. I was petrified, felt like I was in some kind of a drama mexican novel.

 

We didn't talk anymore after this and 2 days later a friend of mine saw his photo on the dating site we met. So if he moved on so fast, I decided to block him on my phone so I can move on with my life. Then he sent me a message on Facebook asking why I blocked him, to which I said that if he moved on so fast after only 2 days of breaking up, so what's the point in keeping contact? Especially after saying he loves me (he was still saying that the moment he rushed out the door), that he wants to marry me, etc.

I wish him well in finding a replacement.

 

He said he was only on the dating site to cancel his subscription, because previously it was only suspended. I told him you can do whatever you want, and I wish you well. And I blocked him. I guess we were just on different pages. To me the conflicts were normal and just meant we need to know each other more and be open and communicate, but to him it was like breaking the illusion of an ideal relationship. I was focused on aligning with him, he was thinking about running away.

 

I'm struggling now to move on. I feel angry at him for the way he broke up with me, I have serious questions I would like to be with him again, but then I miss him terribly. I don't know if he's sorry of what he did, or not, but I feel really sad and miss talking to him and being with him. He also blocked me on social media previously, and today unblocked me again. A friend told me to go back on the dating site too and talk to other men, to shift the focus from him, but I don't feel like talking to other men.

 

Any advice? Thank you.

Edited February 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing and move to BBU

[smackie9]

Tip: conflict is not normal, nor is it because you are getting to know one another. If the relationship is right, it should be smooth sailing all the way. If some kind of issue arises, there shouldn't be any conflict out of the respect you would have for each other. Playing silly games of manipulation is not how people should treat each other.

 

 

 

Yes listen to your friend...get back out there.

[d0nnivain]

You need to slow down, readjust your expectations & your time tables.

 

There is no such thing as not being able to live without somebody you have only known for 90 days. It was at least 1.5 years to early to talk about living together.

 

What starts too fast ends in a fiery crash. If conflicts & points of incompatibility surface so early on, cutting your losses & ending a relationship that was not working, is the best course of action.

[maxi105]

I/H/T.....ah there is alot of pain in your message, and i feel for you that you have taken this to be someone you'd hoped would offer more but has not. it also sounds like a love that maybe from your point doesnt have that much experiecnce, nothing wrong with that as we all have to go through it...unless your lucky enough to meet the one first up...and not many people are! so until you do meet the one you do have to keep getting your heart broken.

 

look on the bright side, you didnt move into a house with him or get a mortgage! you didnt get pregnant and now he has dumped you!

 

i dont agree with the whole blocking thing its not a way to sort anything out and it hasnt worked anyway as there is a part of you that still wants him (and that means talking!!!!), but i think you are better off without this guy, regardless of whether you are right or he is....i havent read this all properly, but ive read enough to know that you guys dont sound that suited together.

 

take a small amount of time out from this situation, but go out and have lots of fun with your freind and maybe go to different places and that way you can have a good night out, it iwll be less likely that you see him (hopefully) if you go dancing out of town...or whatever you like to do for fun, and you can be in the company of people who know how you are really, they like your company and understand you without the drama, mind games or tantrums.

 

and im sure it will happen that you meet someone in time and you'll be like........what was all the fuss about so and so...he's nothing like......so and so, he's done and hey im happy.

 

3 monthsisnt the end of the world. can you imagine what you'd feel like if someone was married to you and then left!!!!!! IT HAPPENS!!!!! and no, im not talking about me there, but the heartbreak and complications that can occur when children are involved, huge debts from shared posessions etc....

 

so think yourself happier already! your heart has had a knock, but its probably for the better.

 

maybe he felt you were moving way too quickly for anything of value or proper mature bonds that can trun into love to grow! but also, look again on the bright side here....its valentines day soon!"!!!!! maybe glam yourself up and get the the nearest disco, singles night, club or party/event and you never know.

 

your situation isnt great for you, but it could seriously be one hellavu lot worse! so get back out there when you are able and sparkle again.

 

if you want a proper relationship (that is you as in anyone) you have to work on it and keep the dialogue open. if you cant talk to him or him you, then your relationship whatever age isnt going to be that fulfilling.

 

i think if you find someone more suited, then you both naturally want to talk and sort stuff.

 

good luck miss valentine! if you can take in what smakie and donnivain are saying as well cos its good advice, you might be able to start to see a clearer healthier way ahead.

 

so best wishes to you. maxi:)

[Curiousroxy86]

First of all bravo to you for immediacy blocking that clown

 

You did the right thing in blocking

 

You want a partner that can handle simple conflict without leaving and breaking up and jumping on a damn dating website

 

Don't you try to proactively work things out with him. You keep moving on. If he wants to come crawling back to you then you can revisit if you want him back just make sure you make it known that in order to get back in A relationship you need a boyfriend who resolves conflict together in a healthy way without running and breaking up. If he can agree to that then it's your prerogative to give him a second chance but that should be his LAST chance.

 

Now as far as moving on when you feel like your ready definitely date other men. Life is too short to be stuck on one that ran out. But only when your ready.

 

Also please refrain from getting caught up in men saying I love you and talking that sweet sh*t. I'm going to say this on LS till I'm blue in the face. Qualify a mans love based on how he treats you OVER TIME. I personally wouldn't begin to believe a guy saying I love you until I see consistency for six months. And I will continue to evaluate "his love" after that.

[stillafool]

What were the conflicts in your relationship?

[kendahke]

Me and this guy dated for 3 months.

 

It was a very intense romance right from the start, the kind of "cant-live-without-you type of thing.

 

We even discussed moving in together and said I love you to each other.

 

Anything that burns this brightly too soon is more than likely going to burn out just as quickly.

 

A lot of assumptions were made on both your parts, hence all of your fighting and inability to get along unless one of you is getting your way. That's no way to conduct a relationship.

 

In the future, learn to apply brakes when things are moving way too fast. Talking about moving in together when you haven't even made it past the first 3 months is too much too soon---you two are still strangers to one another. How can you know if you're compatible in that short a time?

 

Don't get caught up in infatuation because infatuation is not a solid foundation for a relationship. It's conducting a relationship in your head and thinking that applies to what is actually going on.

[TheFinalWord]

kendahkehit a lot of the key points.

 

Please try to get t to know someone slowly over time.

 

I don't recommend getting back out there until you have had some time to heal. You don't want to do that to another guy when you know you are just using them for a rebound. Take some time to heal, then process what went wrong to avoid making the same mistake in the future.

 

In my opinion, the real test of a relationship is how the couple handles conflict. Anyone can become infatuated, physically attracted and rush intimacy.

 

But handing conflict takes maturity. It takes compromise. It takes work and effort. If their first reaction is to bolt instead of work things out, they are not the type of person you want to develop a relationship with.

 

I am sorry for your pain. Hang in there.

[imheretoday]

Thank you everyone for your replies, they helped immensely to see things more clearly.

 

Yes it was all rushed and too much too soon. He was the one that started rushing from the start and I just let it happen.

 

I think what happened is that in the past I used to be with guys that wouldn't give much, just some crumbs of attention and effort. And this guy was the complete opposite, he was affectionate, would say out loud how he feels about me, would put lots of effort, etc, so I thought he could be different and I lowered my guard.

 

Then later I felt all was going too fast too soon, and told him we need to slow down, and I think he felt resentful that I said that. That's when we started to have disagreements.

 

It was like I blew the bubble we were in or something like that.

 

Yes he doesn't know how to handle conflict. I'm the type who stays there and talks things through. Or at least if I'm angry I just say I need to calm down before we talk. I don't storm out of the house like in a drama soap opera.

 

The thing is, I don't trust him now. I don't want a partner that leaves like that. Can you imagine if we were married and with a baby and he did that? I would be devastated.

 

Anyway, after what he did that last week, I still wanted to talk to him but I haven't heard from him the following 2 days. I was even thinking about reaching out to him, when my friend told me she saw his photo on the dating site, and that's when I decided to block him on my phone and move on.

 

He is now clicking like on my Instagram photos like is the most natural thing in the world!

 

It feels like I'm in high school all over again and we're teenagers. I don't think mature adults behave like this. At least they would reach out and want to talk, not click like on Instagram photos after breaking up...

 

It's possible he'll contact me eventually, but I don't trust him anymore to get back together.

 

I'm hurting a lot at the moment, I still miss him a lot and wish he didn't do what he did last week, but it's out of my control.

 

Yes I need to find a balance between guys that give too little and guys that give too much right from the start.

 

But for now I just need to be with myself and some good friends. Not ready to meet anyone new.

[kendahke]

in the past I used to be with guys that wouldn't give much, just some crumbs of attention and effort. And this guy was the complete opposite, he was affectionate, would say out loud how he feels about me, would put lots of effort, etc, so I thought he could be different and I lowered my guard

 

This is two sides of the same coin: emotional unavailability. The rush to intimacy, while it looks like you're entering into something mutual, is more like an avoidance dance. Like running across hot coals to get to the cool grass--he's not going to dwell on the getting to know you--he's going to blaze past that and force intimacy where none had the chance to develop. When you catch up/let down your guard, that's when he realizes that his feet are actually on fire and he needs to get out of there.

 

Next time, pace yourself. You have to stand sentry to your boundaries and if someone is trying to move to fast, you have to tell them to slow down and make sure your actions follow suit.

 

And I'd block him IG--if he doesn't want to be a part of your life, then he doesn't get to spectate from the sidelines with likes on IG. Stand sentry to your boundaries.

[imheretoday]

This is two sides of the same coin: emotional unavailability. The rush to intimacy, while it looks like you're entering into something mutual, is more like an avoidance dance. Like running across hot coals to get to the cool grass--he's not going to dwell on the getting to know you--he's going to blaze past that and force intimacy where none had the chance to develop. When you catch up/let down your guard, that's when he realizes that his feet are actually on fire and he needs to get out of there.

 

Next time, pace yourself. You have to stand sentry to your boundaries and if someone is trying to move to fast, you have to tell them to slow down and make sure your actions follow suit.

 

And I'd block him IG--if he doesn't want to be a part of your life, then he doesn't get to spectate from the sidelines with likes on IG. Stand sentry to your boundaries.

 

Thank you!

 

You're right, it is two sides of the same coin, as I was getting fed up of the lack of depth of our connection.

 

He would sit silent most of the time, and I was making conversation 95% of the time. Every time I would try to go deeper in any conversation, he would stop talking.

 

It's very frustrating and there was a void there that was starting to drive me mad.

 

Next time I want real connection. I want deep interesting conversations. I want someone who asks me questions, and responds to mine. Someone who really wants to know me and me him. Someone who is truly emotionally available. Someone who wants to go out with me and explore the world, not just sitting on the sofa watching TV every day. Someone who wants to build a relationship.

 

I don't like him on my IG and clicking like on my photos, but the only reason I'm keeping him on IG is because at the moment is the only channel of communication we have, and if I cut it, I'm scared he gets desperate and will end showing up at my house.

 

But it does annoy me. If he wants out of my life, that means out in every way.

 

I guess the break-up for him didn't really mean the end, and now he's gutted to me it does.

Edited February 12, 2019 by imheretoday

[kendahke]

He won't show up at your house--and if he does, you tell him to leave. If he won't, you call the police.

 

When you are afraid to do something, the outcome is that you tolerate way more than you should out of a false sense of being "nice"---and that's demanded out of women way too much when some bs behavior has been taking place.

 

If he's that stunted that he can't have a dang conversation, then you need to cut that dead weight out of your life and go find that guy with the meaningful conversation. LIttle man will get over not being able to like your IG stuff.

 

I guess the break-up for him didn't really mean the end, and now he's gutted to me it does.

 

Oh well, too bad for him. Break ups mean you're free to take off in your own direction without his permission.