curiousgeorge1 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Felling anxious and I assume a bit jealous ... My GF of 2 years wants to call her Ex and send condolences as she just found out that his mother passed away .... Not thrilled with it .. and she didn't tell me - I found out thru the grapevine so to speak ... Thinking of confronting her on the secrecy but not sure what to do .. Thoughts ? Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 The question I have is what is it about you your GF chose not to tell you? Your either jealous or your not there is no assuming this. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Secrecy is never good but her ability to show compassion is an admirable quality. My husband actually accompanied me to my the funeral for y Ex's mother. I got cards from several EXs when my parents passed. I reached out & called another EX when his father died (I was single at the time) Link to post Share on other sites
Author curiousgeorge1 Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 The question I have is what is it about you your GF chose not to tell you? Your either jealous or your not there is no assuming this. I am admittedly a bit jealous of the ex and have expressed that to her ... but would have assumed a conversation would always be a better than doing it behind my back.... Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 You're making way too big a deal about this. Depending on how long she was with the ex, she could have been very close to his mother. Let it go and don't make a mountain over a molehill. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lyfeofafreespirit Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 I was really sad when an ex I had for years didn't ever check in when my dad passed. Only because he spent so much time with my family and that doesn't go away just because of a break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author curiousgeorge1 Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 You're making way too big a deal about this. Depending on how long she was with the ex, she could have been very close to his mother. Let it go and don't make a mountain over a molehill. Dont disagree - my main issue is the way she went about it and not letting me know .... I believe contact with an Ex should be a discussion ... Not something one does without the knowledge of their partner ... Maybe I am just old fashioned ... Link to post Share on other sites
Knightman Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 1. You are feeling insecure 2. Your GF didn’t feel the need to share this with you Question on both counts is the same: Why? Have you previously shown jealously or insecurity to your GF when it comes to the ex or other matters? She has her reason for not telling you. If she was close to the ex and his family it is perfectly understandable she would want to pay her respects to his family. Just because her relationship ended with the ex doesn’t mean it ends with his family too. If she knew them a long time they may still be an important part of her life. That can be a good thing. We all need “family” in out lives even if it’s our ex’s. You don’t need to feel insecure about it. Support her and be there for her. Let her know you know and offer to support her and be there for her however she needs you to. Let her know she can always count on your support whether it’s for the ex or not. She’ll get the message and offer an explanation and maybe even involve you in it , but if she doesn’t don’t require it. She’ll tell you next time. Your response should be I’m sorry, how can I help? Link to post Share on other sites
Author curiousgeorge1 Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 Have you previously shown jealously or insecurity to your GF when it comes to the ex or other matters? She has her reason for not telling you. yes I have unfortunately ... Not my best moment and I agree with the rest of your post.... We spoke today and at first it was a bit contentious but I expressed that she can come to me with anything and while I may not be thrilled with her contacting him - I do understand and will deal with it ... But hiding it from me isn't the way to have a relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 OMG, I emailed my ex every time a family member she knew died ... and that was four family members over 5 years ... and I emailed her when a friend we both knew (that I knew she was no longer in contact with) died. There is nothing to be jealous about. Nothing ... Below nothing. Likely she met the deceased person and that's what people do ... dude, we're not living in the 1840s or whenever when people had no past relationships. As said earlier, your gf's desire to reach out ... speaks well of her ... and for you fortune to be with her. My ex (who is now married no less) was extremely helpful in helping me in particular with the death of a family member that she knew I had a rocky relationship with. Few of my friends had met this family member and those that did only knew the family member superficially. My ex knew this family member well ... and knew of my struggles with the family member--so her condolence (we talked on phone for a good hour) was extremely helpful. She emailed me when her mother died ... and I sent a note back to her ... several ... she has a husband, so she didn't need me to help her process the death like I needed her ... BTW: not sure what you're doing, but it speaks poorly for you ... that she felt she had to hide wanting to reach out to an ex. Trust me dude: if she has no feeling for an ex in pain (for the loss of someone she probably got to know pretty well) ... later on ... there would be pain in your life .. .that she'd feel nothing for. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Its a great way for them to signal to the ex that the door is open enough for them to stick their foot in, and invite them to put their head on their shoulder. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 (edited) We spoke today and at first it was a bit contentious but I expressed that she can come to me with anything and while I may not be thrilled with her contacting him - I do understand and will deal with it ... But hiding it from me isn't the way to have a relationshipYou did nothing wrong and have a right to your feelings. You also have a right to work with your partner in establishing and enforcing your own relationship boundaries. Many people on this thread are too focused on if it is OK for her to call during this particular situation, instead of the real issue that she hide it from you. Although she had a good reason to contact her ex, she was wrong for hiding it from you. She did this because she knew that the two of you had established a relationship boundary concerning exs, that could have been easily addressed by her communicating with you about the situation. Instead she chose to just do it, and then lie by omission to cover it up. She is either the type of partner that honors relationship boundaries, or she is not. She is either open and truthful with you or she is not. The act of calling the ex in this situation was not cheating, but the act of lying by omission is a bad precedent to allow to be established going forward. Lying by omission because she knew that it might upset you, is a common thing that opens the door to future possible problems. Make this clear to her and then let it go. Edited February 12, 2019 by Try Link to post Share on other sites
Author curiousgeorge1 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 BTW: not sure what you're doing, but it speaks poorly for you ... that she felt she had to hide wanting to reach out to an ex. The boundaries I discussed early on were fairly simple; No relationship with the Ex ... Move on as I have with my ex ... She had been a bit active on his social media page last year and I expressed my concerns at that time .... Thats all You did nothing wrong and have a right to your feelings. You also have a right to work with your partner in establishing and enforcing your own relationship boundaries. Many people on this thread are too focused on if it is OK for her to call during this particular situation, instead of the real issue that she hide it from you. Although she had a good reason to contact her ex, she was wrong for hiding it from you. She did this because she knew that the two of you had established a relationship boundary concerning exs, that could have been easily addressed by her communicating with you about the situation. Instead she chose to just do it, and then lie by omission to cover it up. She is either the type of partner that honors relationship boundaries, or she is not. She is either open and truthful with you or she is not. The act of calling the ex in this situation was not cheating, but the act of lying by omission is a bad precedent to allow to be established going forward. Lying by omission because she knew that it might upset you, is a common thing that opens the door to future possible problems. Make this clear to her and then let it go. I agree with your post ... I believe its an isolated issue (hopefully) and moving on ... Bottom line - she claims she didn't want to fight about it and thats why the deception .... I said it would not have been a fight it it were not for the deception .. Time will tell Link to post Share on other sites
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