The angry place

[Abetterme]

Hello - I’ve been posting a bit and following extensively for quite awhile and have gained tremendous insight through this forum. My back story is here, but in short my xMM ended our 3 year affair and we have been nearly 8 weeks with NC. We saw each other a final time a few weeks before and rather then speak to me about it, he flipped a switch and went cold over night. Ultimately I’d been struggling to break it off, even though I knew it was what I wanted and needed - I was just afraid of the pain. He was right to do so, but it was hurtful even though I felt relief.

 

I have done fairly well moving away from the sadnes/loss of xMM (I know, stupid but albeit something to deal with), refocusing on my husband and child and working very hard on myself so I will be the spouse my husband really deserves moving forward. However, I feel I have taken some steps back with regard to the xMM in that I have become very angry. Angry at the way he broke off, angry at him for breaking our intial NC last spring, angry at pretty much anything you can think of. I know this is wrong and not where my focus should be or what I want it to be but I can’t seem to get out of it and it’s causing a lot of obsessive thoughts

 

I’ve had a lot of travel for work so maybe it’s because I’ve had more time for my mind to roam and I also haven’t been able to see my therapist for a couple weeks. I have dreams that I’m calling him and unleashing everything I am upset about. When I wake up, I’m angry, when I go to sleep, I’m angry. I know most of this I’m misdirecting because really I’m mad at myself. Mad that I’ve participated in something so horrible and toxic and harmful to my family. Hopefully this is a step towards working through it, but I would appreciate any insights on if this is something others have experienced or perhaps how to move past it.

[BourneWicked]

I get you. And I get the angry too. What I'm angry about is... I never really got what I wanted. I wanted him to care about me, to love me. Wanting to be the one he picked - even if he had just said he wanted to be with me, but couldn't

 

At me, I'm angry that I wasn't stronger. That I was weak and stupid and thought it was so much more than it was.

 

Someone mentioned on a thread that their therapist said anger could be a cover up for something else. For me, anger covers sadness.

 

I always dream he replaces me. I guess that must be my biggest fear. But what's there to replace? There are a whole bunch more people who come first in his life.

 

Have you had any counseling? I feel for you... these horrible feelings linger and it's so hard to get past that.

[basil67]

Anger is indeed one of the steps required for walking away. And to be honest, it doesn't need to be logical - whatever it takes to change your mindset is OK.

[Simple Logic]

In your circumstances anger is a good emotional state. You played and got burnt bad Whole lot easier not to go back if smoke is coming out your ears.

[BaileyB]

Indeed. If you can use your anger to support your decision to walk away and to ensure that you don’t go back if/when he comes sniffing back around again, it will serve a good purpose. Best wishes.

[FMW]

I get what you're experiencing.

 

I have anger frequently lately, about how my situation ended, about having to deal with having him and my replacement invade my space weekly at a place that I used to consider "mine".

 

For a while I was really depressed feeling that I had taken a huge step backward in recovering. But I think it's just part of the stages we have to go through, it's not always a linear progression.

 

There is an end, it just takes time. Unfortunately I'm not quite there yet and it sounds like neither are you.

[Lotus_Luna]

Anget is part of healing.

 

Jiat let it be and allow yourself to grieve.

[NotADayGoesBy]

For a while I was really depressed feeling that I had taken a huge step backward in recovering. But I think it's just part of the stages we have to go through, it's not always a linear progression.

 

This had been hard to get used to—the non-linear ness of the recovery process. Just when I think I’ve turned a corner I end up back where I started.

[Abetterme]

All - Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. It does give me some comfort that while it’s not necessarily a fun feeling, it is propelling me forward and I’m not alone.

 

If you can believe it, I’m even just angry I am even having thoughts of him!! I swear!!! I empathize with a lot of what several of you said especially @bournewicked. Perhaps it is masking something else. I know there is sadness, even though I don’t want there to be. He doesn’t deserve it. I think it is a lot of the realization that it didnt mean much of anything to him. In all sincerity, I had no intention of ever leaving my husband. He’s truly the best partner for me and a wonderful father, the xMM is a selfish manipulator and a cheat, but I’m ANGRY so angry that I fell for it. I’m angry that I was such a fool.

 

I pray for some solace from this extreme anger. It makes me feel I’m clinging to a situation that I don’t want to be. I’m continuing counseling, meditating, focusing on my family and female friendships to fill the voids and remind myself of all the happiness in my life.

 

I wish all those struggling some peace too. I guess it helps to just expel the anger some days, so I’m doing it here.

[Bittersweetie]

I remember the anger, so so much anger. And yes, even though I'd be angry at xMM, my anger was really about me. I was so, so angry at myself for the choices I made. I had a d-day so I saw the consequences of my choices on my husband's face every day.

 

Something my husband said to me helped with all that anger. One day I said, "You must hate me." And he said, "I don't hate you. But I do hate the person who made those choices." His words led me to reframe things a bit. I still have a lot of anger at myself over what I did, even almost ten years later. But I know it's not healthy to carry all that anger, so I direct it like he said...at the person who made those choices.

 

The person who made those choices is a small part of me. I've worked hard and made changes in myself, but I will never lose sight of the person who did what I did...I accept it, and learn from it, and I am still angry at her. Not sure if this helps any...these things never truly go away, but I feel one can take those bad choices and turn it into something more positive, which is what I humbly try to do.

[Abetterme]

@bittersweetie - Thank you. Your posts always impact me. That really is what it’s about. I hate myself most days for what I’ve done. Perhaps looking at it that way will help me start to forgive. I never saw myself doing something so horrific especially after being a BS, and I never want to betray my own values like that again.

[dupedforreal123]

I get you. And I get the angry too. What I'm angry about is... I never really got what I wanted. I wanted him to care about me, to love me. Wanting to be the one he picked - even if he had just said he wanted to be with me, but couldn't

 

At me, I'm angry that I wasn't stronger. That I was weak and stupid and thought it was so much more than it was.

 

Someone mentioned on a thread that their therapist said anger could be a cover up for something else. For me, anger covers sadness.

 

I always dream he replaces me. I guess that must be my biggest fear. But what's there to replace? There are a whole bunch more people who come first in his life.

 

Have you had any counseling? I feel for you... these horrible feelings linger and it's so hard to get past that.

 

Couldn’t have said it better myself - I feel exactly the same way!!!

[Vivir]

I copied these words into my journal from a post made by Quiet Storm, a betrayed spouse, on January 6, 2012:

 

"I understand why OW want to believe that there is genuine love in an affair. They want it to mean something. Most have compromised their values to enter into an affair in the first place, and it is painful to know that you were willing to do that, to only be seen as an enhancement to someone's life. But that's the reality of it for most OW."

 

So many of Quiet Storm's words (in various threads) resonated with me that I started copying them down onto paper. I just wanted to share the aforementioned quote here now.

 

I am the same as other posters upthread; my anger was a cover for my incredible and terribly deep sadness.

 

The issues I had that I felt gave me license to start the affair were still there at the end of the affair. I hadn't done anything except create another, more horrible problem for myself that ended up compounding (with interest ) the original issues of loneliness and lack of affection. Of course, then I had to add the issues of resentment, shame, feeling unworthy of real love and of a real partner, guilt, bitterness, questionable behavior, foolishness, and a host of others to that list

 

Abetterme, deciding to be self-compassionate enough to allow myself to be honest with me AND grieve, reading through hundreds of threads here and writing in my journal are things that helped me the most through my anger (it took me a looong time to find my anger) and my incredible sadness. I was incredibly sad and dejected for many, many months. It has been 18 months this week, and I cannot express how happy I am that I am on the other side of the affair and its aftermath (though, for me, it seems to be a gift that keeps on giving). But for all the work I did to get past it, whenever I experience a hiccup, I am able to talk myself down before I even think about getting up on that ledge.

 

I hope this helps. I really do. Also, I should mentioned that I started reading Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go. It is for codependents, but I love the daily messages and they helped a lot when I needed to remember that I mattered and that I am important.

Edited February 13, 2019 by Vivir
addition

[Turning point]

I've never had an affair, so this is not coming from that experience. It's just a different perspective.

 

It occurs to me, there is a lot of control that goes into having an affair - the power to be selfish, power in deception, power to illicit attention, sex, all of it.

 

Breakups are always harder when we're not the one in control of them. I think your anger is misdirected because it's convenient to project this new sense of helplessness onto the xMM for doing what you could not.

 

I'm inclined to think your angry because you realize you haven't solved anything by having an affair. Everything that brought you to it still remains.

 

If your life were a business and you were the boss, would you want to fire that employee whose job it was to improve your life? The other man was never that employee, and when you're willing to look at who that worker really is - you'll have the source of your anger.

[Abetterme]

I copied these words into my journal from a post made by Quiet Storm, a betrayed spouse, on January 6, 2012:

 

"I understand why OW want to believe that there is genuine love in an affair. They want it to mean something. Most have compromised their values to enter into an affair in the first place, and it is painful to know that you were willing to do that, to only be seen as an enhancement to someone's life. But that's the reality of it for most OW."

 

So many of Quiet Storm's words (in various threads) resonated with me that I started copying them down onto paper. I just wanted to share the aforementioned quote here now.

 

I am the same as other posters upthread; my anger was a cover for my incredible and terribly deep sadness.

 

The issues I had that I felt gave me license to start the affair were still there at the end of the affair. I hadn't done anything except create another, more horrible problem for myself that ended up compounding (with interest ) the original issues of loneliness and lack of affection. Of course, then I had to add the issues of resentment, shame, feeling unworthy of real love and of a real partner, guilt, bitterness, questionable behavior, foolishness, and a host of others to that list

 

Abetterme, deciding to be self-compassionate enough to allow myself to be honest with me AND grieve, reading through hundreds of threads here and writing in my journal are things that helped me the most through my anger (it took me a looong time to find my anger) and my incredible sadness. I was incredibly sad and dejected for many, many months. It has been 18 months this week, and I cannot express how happy I am that I am on the other side of the affair and its aftermath (though, for me, it seems to be a gift that keeps on giving). But for all the work I did to get past it, whenever I experience a hiccup, I am able to talk myself down before I even think about getting up on that ledge.

 

I hope this helps. I really do. Also, I should mentioned that I started reading Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go. It is for codependents, but I love the daily messages and they helped a lot when I needed to remember that I mattered and that I am important.

 

@Vivir - Thank you for the poignant response. I too have poured over hundreds of threads here and yours is one I followed. I am so pleased you’re doing so much better and have clearly learned a lot about yourself.

 

I think I go through these threads because I’m looking for answers. What answers seems to depend on the day. How to move past anger, how to rebuild my marriage and future proof it, how to regain my self-worth, how to get through heartbreak. Today it is full force sadness so the search is for why is this hitting so much worse now? It feels like another betrayal to be sad about xMM so I don’t want to let myself go there. But it is exactly as you say. Horrible dejection, and sadness, on top of the mountain of shame.

 

I know what you say is correct for me too as to the reasons you went into the A. They’re still there and I continue to look inward to figure out why. I have spent a lot of time in therapy talking about how I “stuff” feelings in order to move forward. I’ve done this with nearly every loss in my life.

 

I so appreciate your gentle words and spot on advice.. I needed that today.

[Abetterme]

 

Breakups are always harder when we're not the one in control of them. I think your anger is misdirected because it's convenient to project this new sense of helplessness onto the xMM for doing what you could not.

 

I'm inclined to think your angry because you realize you haven't solved anything by having an affair. Everything that brought you to it still remains.

 

 

@turning point - you are absolutely correct. Yet another reason for the anger that you’ve managed to articulate better than I could. The struggle is figuring out why. I didn’t feel like I or we (my husband and I) had issues prior to my A, but clearly I couldn’t have been more wrong about that.