Family issues...

[shizzle_84]

I've been dealing with this problem for 10 years now. I went through a bad patch with my family, which brought up a lot of the hurt they have caused me to the surface. Growing up, my siblings ignored, bullied and kept me out of the loop, also my father was unusually distant towards me (absent). I even remember few times when he spoke to me like I'm some kind of outsider. I know it was unconscious on his part - but I just can't reconcile with the "bad" side of my father and siblings. I must have had a lot of issues getting along with people in school because of this.

 

What's even worse - EVEN WORSE - is that when I used to get angry about it, they'ed pretend like I was being paranoid. They even took me to a psychiatrist when I was 10 years old. I can see now it's a trick they play - one hand helps while the other tries to keep me in my place. My place of bearing the brunt - the insecurity of my family, heaped on to me.

 

Sometimes I feel like I want to hit them back for all this crap they unloaded onto me. Life is really unfair, but I know I have to let this go. And I know I have to forgive them.

 

I tried reconciling a number of times now but things fall back into the same pattern. My father says things are ok to my face - then under the surface the same bullying pattern plays out. If there was no law against this I would have smashed his face a long time ago... But for sometime no I just wish I never had him for a father.

 

Anyways, fantasy land aside I feel like I will just have to let this relationship go. I'm willing to do that. But I don't know how to go about it. Right now I'm so isolated... from my family, from my old school friends, from everyone...

 

I'm in a pretty ****ed up position right now.

 

The only time I felt good about my life was when I was away from home, studying in college with my college friends. Which makes me think I should move far far away. From everything...

 

I just hope this is not a "grass is greener" solution...

 

My family still makes me angry though, when I think of the crap they did to me. The absence and sometimes the conscious way my siblings kept me out of the loop. Now that I'm older it's become glaringly obvious that I'm largely dysfunctional because of these childhood slights.

 

I can accept that - but I just need to express this and get this out of my system I guess. This is the only place where I feel I can connect. And I need to connect to someone about this...

 

Now I'm blabbering on... but I guess I just want to be listened to. Cause talking to my family is often like talking to a brick wall.

[Miss Clavel]

<snip>

My family still makes me angry though, when I think of the crap they did to me. The absence and sometimes the conscious way my siblings kept me out of the loop. Now that I'm older it's become glaringly obvious that I'm largely dysfunctional because of these childhood slights. <snip>

 

ya, don't get stuck in that loop. put the past in the past. maybe with the help of a good psychologist. if you keep on being affected by the aholes, they win.

 

also, maybe use this thread or start a journal and write about everything. get it all out.

 

the worst thing is to bury these feelings, alive. i've done that. it doesn't work. dig up the crap, face it head on, then lay it to rest.

 

i don't forgive anyone that isn't sorry. and it doesn't seem like anyone in your family is sorry, let alone will acknowledge their actions.

 

get to work writing and letting go. consider moving away. for your own sake, it's not like they will dissuade you or miss you.

 

let go, move on.

Edited February 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[shizzle_84]

Thanks - I needed to hear that

[vla1120]

I believe family is important - right up until they make your life a living h311. You have every right to go out and make a life for yourself, without worrying about their bullying, exclusion, etc. Go live your best life, the way you want, without worrying about what they might think. Once you feel comfortable enough in your own skin, you truly won't care what they think anymore.

[amaysngrace]

Do you really want to fit in with all of them anyway? They don’t sound like a great bunch to be hanging with.

 

My sisters tried this crap with me. They excluded me when my parents were alive but it got way worse when they passed. I no longer speak to one of them and the other I keep on a really long leash but the truth is if I never see her again either that’d be okay too.

 

They always pick on the strong one. At least that’s what I think.

 

So how was your mom in all of this?

[shizzle_84]

Do you really want to fit in with all of them anyway? They don’t sound like a great bunch to be hanging with.

 

My sisters tried this crap with me. They excluded me when my parents were alive but it got way worse when they passed. I no longer speak to one of them and the other I keep on a really long leash but the truth is if I never see her again either that’d be okay too.

 

They always pick on the strong one. At least that’s what I think.

 

So how was your mom in all of this?

My mom is a sweet lady, but she’s easily swayed and influenced. If I’m to be brutally honest - she doesn’t really have a mind of her own. My dads a manipulative *******, quiet dictator pulling the strings and playing people’s emotions behind the scenes. My mom gets pushed around a lot by people - and being a mommy’s boy that got laid on to me naturally.

 

Weird thing though is that I keep harbouring the hope that things will change. My family must know this cause they can be very strategic in how they throw a sliver of hope only to keep disappointing me over, and over again. I can’t count how many times they’ve done this to me. And like a ****ing idiot I eventually go back again and again.

 

It’s a cycle - hope, disappointment, then anger....

 

I don’t know what to do? Maybe I just need to make some new friends or something

[vla1120]

I don’t know what to do? Maybe I just need to make some new friends or something

 

That is EXACTLY what you need to do!!

[shizzle_84]

Ok dude... got it... just chill...

[amaysngrace]

Weird thing though is that I keep harbouring the hope that things will change.

 

I'm pretty sure the only change you’re going to get is through you. They kind of all sound a little broken so change might not readily come to them unless they actively sought to make that happen. They may not even see how what they’re doing is wrong.

 

You, on the other hand, recognize the dynamic. You see the cycle for what it is and good for you for having so much awareness. It goes back to me thinking it’s always the strong one they try to knock down. That’s exactly why it’s going to be up to you to change this situation.

 

You have like two choices. Either get some distance between you guys so you don’t have to deal with their abuse any longer or learn how to be around them and not let it affect you so much by practicing emotional detachment.

 

I totally understand your need to fit in and why you keep the hope alive that it’s going to suddenly correct itself though. Unfortunately that seems very unlikely to happen.

[shizzle_84]

I'm pretty sure the only change you’re going to get is through you. They kind of all sound a little broken so change might not readily come to them unless they actively sought to make that happen. They may not even see how what they’re doing is wrong.

 

You, on the other hand, recognize the dynamic. You see the cycle for what it is and good for you for having so much awareness. It goes back to me thinking it’s always the strong one they try to knock down. That’s exactly why it’s going to be up to you to change this situation.

 

You have like two choices. Either get some distance between you guys so you don’t have to deal with their abuse any longer or learn how to be around them and not let it affect you so much by practicing emotional detachment.

 

I totally understand your need to fit in and why you keep the hope alive that it’s going to suddenly correct itself though. Unfortunately that seems very unlikely to happen.

 

Thanks... I appreciate it

[preraph]

You know what, if your family is hurting you instead of making you feel loved, you probably should move far away and make your own life and treat your children better than they did. My only worry is whether you will even know how with such crappy role models, so please I beg you, take a parenting class with the prospective father so you can learn and also it helps to be on the same page with the father about all that so you don't disagree over it.

[shizzle_84]

You know what, if your family is hurting you instead of making you feel loved, you probably should move far away and make your own life and treat your children better than they did. My only worry is whether you will even know how with such crappy role models, so please I beg you, take a parenting class with the prospective father so you can learn and also it helps to be on the same page with the father about all that so you don't disagree over it.

 

"Prospective father"...? Huh?